Free Bert: A chunk comedian, a hot model boyfriend, and gay-friendly actors. What could go wrong? With what to do when you're missing a ___

 

Link to the n*de photos

I'm following Braxton Alexander on Instagram because he appeared in two scenes in Season 3 of The Righteous Gemstones, and I thought his character was queer coded.  Also he never posts any photos of him with a girlfriend, ever, so probably gay, right?  

He's been pushing his fans to watch Free Bert (2026), a Netflix series based on the comedy routines of Bert Kreischer.  Bert is known for ripping off his shirt (I like that) and getting fully n*de (I like that, too).  And here he appears to be pretending that his popsicle is a d*ck.

Bert's d*ck and backside are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Several of the cast members have played gay characters or appeared in gay-friendly projects, so doubtless there will be some LGBTQ representation. 

 Plus episodes are set at a pool party and during a "boys' weekend," so there are bound to be some hunks in Speedos (maybe even Braxton, who has never yet appeared shirtless on screen or in a modeling shoot).  

I binged the whole series in two days, so I'll review it by plot thread, not by episode.

Bert Takes His Shirt Off: We begin with Bert performing at the birthday party of frequently n*de hunk Rob Lowe.  The guests don't care about his comedy set; they just want him to take off his shirt, over and over. "It's comedy gold," Lowe assures him, but Bert feels like an object.  What about his clever observations? I don't get it.  Why would you want to see a guy with his shirt off unless you found him attractive? 

Back home, Bert's wife LeAnn (Arden Myrin of The Righteous Gemstones) suggests that he tone down the f* word , put a shirt on, and try to be respectable, since they are sending their daughters Georgia and Ila (Ava Ryan, Lilou Lang) to an upscale private school.  It has a Learning Disability Department, which Ila needs.  

A Certain Act: Trouble begins when daughter Georgia is ignored at school, so Bert plays her up on a podcast. The host asks if the 14-year old has engaged in a certain act.  "No, she's a good girl."

The next day, campus Mean Girl Kiersten has told everyone Georgia's shocking secret.  She is despondent: "My life is over.  What boy will look at me now?"  So not doing this act is  disgraceful for a girl?

Bert gets revenge during his act by criticizing the d*ck size of the Mean Girl's Dad, ultra-rich Landon Vanderthal (not Reggie Van Snoot?).  The bit goes viral, and the Headmaster calls both sets of parents to a conference.  Landon insists that his d*ck is very big, and he's willing to whip it out right there as proof.  Things escalate; Georgia is suspended, and Bert banned from the campus.

Left: Landon is played by Chris Witaske, straight but the creator of the gay-friendly Chicago Party Aunt.

A Missing Body Part:  Back at school, Georgia steals the Mean Girl's boyfriend, Zac (Braxton).  Bert goes berserk.  He's banned from the campus, but he sends his wife to flirt with the security guard, marches into the locker room, and threatens to hurt the boy.  But then he discovers that Zac has a missing body part so he can't have s*x. 

Nonsense.  If you don't have that body part, you get testosterone replacement therapy. and everything works fine.  How does he think transmen do it?

More after the break. 

The body part that Zac is missing is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends, plus a demonstration of bedroom activities you can engage in without it.

Positive: No one ever says that the missing body part makes Zac "a woman." 

Negative: It's a major plot thread.

"No s*x! Great!"  Now Bert promotes the relationship.

All Zac and Georgia do is cuddle on the couch while watching a movie.  I read that they originally filmed scenes that were  inappropriate for the 19-year old Braxton and the 14-year old Ava.  They had to completely rework the character and refilm his scenes. 

Humiliating Dad: The Mean Girl wants Zac back.  Bert tries to dissuade her by revealing his secret.   She already knew, and didn't care; but to get revenge for being dumped, she tells everyone, humiliating Zac and his Dad (because having a son with that problem compromises his own masculinity?).

The Toxic Friend Group:  At a pool party, Landon's wife goes into shock after eating cookies containing peanuts (which Bert's wife LeeAnn made).  Landon is not upset; in fact, he gives her some extra drugs so she will sleep long enough for him to go golfing with the friend group, and invites Bert along

The friend group consists of:  Landon.

Zac's father Randy (Matthew Del Negro, who played a gay guy in Scandal).

And Glen (Noshir Dalal, who voiced a gay character in Star Wars: Squadrons).  Soap Opera Central thinks this is him, but I think it's Ryan Paevey.

They are all horrible people.  They have their gynecologist buddy take photos of ladies' parts during examinations, and when their previous fourth member didn't live up to their expectations, they destroyed his life.

Cancelling the Learning Disability Department:  The guys tempt Bert into joining the school's board of directors: he can make sure that his kid gets all As, regardless of "how stupid she is." But then they trick him into closing the Learning Disability Department, which means that his daughter Ila won't be getting the help she needs. Bros before daughters?

Some Blackmail:  The Mean Girl still wants Zac back, so she blackmails Bert: get Zac and Georgia to break up, or she'll tell the dads that he's the one who blabbed about Zac's secret, and he'll be ejected from the friend group.

Her Dad Landon has his own blackmail scheme:  name the Mean Girl and Zac as Mr. and Miss Snooty Prep School, or he'll ruin Bert, like he did when the former fourth member of the friend group got out of line.

Bert Saves the Day:  Instead, Bert takes off his shirt during an assembly, returns to saying f* a lot, and comes clean about everything.   He's dragged out by security, but the parents cheer at the whistleblowing.  And, in the closing scene, the guy ejected from the friend group offers Bert his business card.

Beefcake: Bert's shirt is off a lot; no one else takes off anything, even at the pool party.

Heterosexism: None.  Bert seems to like his wife, but the other guys treat women as objects.

Gay Characters: I don't think gay people exist in this world.

Profanity: OMG, everyone's favorite adjective is the f* word.  Even the little girl.

My Grade:  Cringe after cringe after cringe. But I liked seeing Braxton, and Bert's belly. C+

See also: Braxton Alexander: three heterosexual boyfriends, three serial killers, one saxophone, and five bare bottoms

Gemstones Episode 1.8: Kelvin's t*sticles, Jesse's backside, and ancient Philistine p*nises. WIth t*sticular bonus

Rob Lowe: Brat Pack prettyboy, bad guy with a d*ck, cowboy cop, grieving biochemist

The Chair Company, Episode 1.3: A chair conspiracy, a queer kid, a ginger chub, weirdness for its own sake, and men in suits with d*cks

Modern Family, Episode 11.4: A pool full of muscle hunks, a future hunkoid thief, and a gay realtor. With some twinks and 7 dicks