The Top 10 Country Songs: Beefcake and Homophobia

Yesterday the aerobics room in the gym was playing Country-Western music again. I hid in the free weight room, where they were playing Classic Rock,but some of the machines are out in the other room, so I had no choice but to hear twang twang dead-end job twang twang women are unfaithful twang twang why can't men be men and homos not exist .

This isn't Alabama.  Who could possibly like this stuff?

I couldn't actually hear the lyrics, just the twang-twang, so I thought, maybe I was being premature.  Country-Western music may have evolved into something less...um....horrid since the days of Glen Campbell and Johnny Cash.  Maybe the new twangers are less homophobic.  Or at least know their way around a gym.

Why not give it a chance?  So I looked up the top 10 Country-Western songs for this week:

1. Blake Shelton, "God's Country": the North may be full of sinners and perverts, but the South is full of true Christians who are saved and going to heaven.

Blake, who is extremely ugly, here appears to have his head plastered on someone else's body. Couldn't he have chosen someone hot? He is well known for his homophobic tweets.

2. Morgan Wallen, "Whiskey Glasses":  I want to get drunk because my girlfriend has broken up with me, and is probably having sex with another guy right now.

Morgan here is covering up his bulge, so you can't look. I wonder if the other guy is bigger.

3. Luke Combs, "Beer Never Broke My Heart": I want to get drunk because my girlfriend has broken up with me.

4. Luke Combs, "Beautiful Crazy": My girlfriend is kooky but hot.  

I'm glad he found somebody new.

It's hard to find shirtless photos of Country-Western singers, but in this case, I don't think I want to.











5.  Kane Brown, "Good as You": My girlfriend is nice to people, plus she's hot.

Could this be the wrong Kane Brown?  He looks like a rapper, not a twanger.  But when you're looking at Country-Western stars, you take beefcake wherever you find it.

Kane is also the only singer on the list to come out against homophobia.

6. Chase Rice, "Eyes on You": My girlfriend is just plain hot. 

I wonder if she would say the same about you?

In addition to twanging, Chase Rice played football for the University of North Carolina, did something for NASCAR, and appeared on the reality tv show Survivor.















7. Thomas Rhett, "Look What God Gave Her": My girlfriend is hot, plus I'm religious.

Searching for Thomas Rhett and "gay" online, I found this tweet from 2010: "If my Ipod dies on a gay song, I'm going to kill you."

8.  Eli Young Band, "Love Ain't": My "just friends" girl is with the wrong guy, so she should dump him for me.

The only group on the list, it consists of Mike Eli, James Young, Jon Jones, and Chris Thompson, who met while attending the University of North Texas in Denton.

Apparently it wasn't in an English class.

9. Lee Brice, "Rumor":  There's a rumor going around that we're together, girl, so why don't we get together?

10. Dan + Shay, "Speechless": My girlfriend is just plain hot.

In my day, we used the plus sign + to indicate that a pair was a romantic couple, but I guess Dan Smyers and Shay Mooney both have girlfriends or wives or something.

Results: Not as political as I expected. 5 of the 10 are about how hot girls are, 2 requests for dates, 2 about lost loves, and 1 about being religious.

Heterosexism: They're all about girls, girls, girls.

Homophobia: Nothing in the lyrics.  Only 2 of the 9 stars have made homophobic statements (that I know of), but only 1 has made a pro-gay statement.

Beefcake:  Of the 9 stars, only Kane Brown has a respectable physique, and I still think that he's really a rapper.

See also: The Top 10 Pop Songs.