The Top 11 Hunks of "Sabrina," Season 3

I have seen the first episode of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Season 3.  It's about hot guys with their shirts off and lame literary references.

As you recall, we ended last season with Satan deposed and trapped in the body of Sabrina's boyfriend:

1. Nicholas (Gavin Leatherwood).

Plus Lilith (Miss Wardwell) has taken over as Queen of Hell, and the Church of Satan is in disarray (who do you pray to when your god is deposed?).

Sabrina wants to go to hell to rescue Nicholas, so she asks Dorian Gray (yes, that Dorian Gray) for a portal.  He'll help, but only if she brings back the Fleur du Mal, which he needs to cure his acne (or he could just buy some Clearasil at the CVS).  Um...you know that Baudelaire's Les Fleurs du Mal is not really about flowers, right?


For some reason Sabrina drags her three friends, Roz, Theo, and Harvey, away from their performance of "My Sharona" to tag along, I guess so they'll have something to do this episode.

2. The preparation requires Ross Lynch to take his shirt AND  pants off, so I'm not complaining.

The portal opens with the famous "Abandon hope, all who enter here" line from Dante's Inferno, and voila, Sabrina and company are on a desolate beach, where they encounter:

3. The mysterious Caliban (Sam Corlett), a male-model type with his half-blown-off shirt revealing an amazing hard, pale physique.

If all the residents of Hell look like that, count me in.

After that, it's all The Wizard of Oz.  Sabrina and Company follow the Blood Road to:

The Fleur du Mal, which is acquired very easily.  They just have to be careful to not get pricked by the thorns, and no one thought to bring gloves.

A murderous Tin Man who turns out to be Harvey's dead brother.  "That was a trick -- it wasn't really Tommy!" Harvey's friends assure him.

Crows that eat the scarecrows, one of whom is Theo's dead Uncle Jesse.  But this time it's not a trick -- that's the real Uncle Jesse.  Does that make sense?

A schoolhouse where Roz's dead grandmother tortures her.  Real or a trick, I don't know.

Meanwhile Lilith/The Wicked Witch of the West sits on her throne, with a semi-nude Nicholas/Satan kneeling at her feet like a flying monkey (why semi-nude?  Presumably she's having kinky sex with him/them).

Inside his mind, Nicholas and:

4. Lucifer (Luke Cook) are locked in a semi-nude wrestling match (why semi-nude?  Presumably they're having kinky sex with each other).

Hell is apparently a kingdom like any other, and Lilith usurping the throne is causing dissent.  She summons Sabrina, the rightful heir, to legitimate her authority (but she didn't know that Sabrina was coming..oh, well).  Sabrina decides to become Queen herself, and make Lilith her regent.  They all return to Earth, and tie Nicholas up in the mausoleum.

Tied up on a cold, hard mausoleum floor is better than being Lilith's flying monkey?  Sure, he had to do kinky sex stuff with a middle-aged lady demon, but at least it was warm, and he could move around.

Meanwhile:

5. Cousin Ambrose (Chance Perdomo), who is now apparently straight, and girlfriend Prudence are searching for the deposed Father Blackwood.  They use stereotyped voodoo hoodoo magic to locate him in Loch Ness, Scotland (come on, that's idiotic.  But the ceremony requires Chance to be semi-nude, so I'm not complaining.)

My verdict: Come for the ridiculously campy plotline, stay for the beefcake.   Let's see who'll be taking his shirt off in future episodes:

6. Jonathan Whitesell (sigh) as Robin Goodfellow.  If they can have a Caliban, why not a Puck?

7. Will Svenson as Pan.  You have Shakespeare, why not Greek gods?

8. Marcello Ranieri as Sade.  As in the Marquis de Sade, author of the 120 Days of Sodom.  I've read it; it's not as salacious as you might think.  Most of the "passions" involve blasphemy or murder.

9. Daniel Nemes as Pontius Pilate.  Now we're digging into the New Testament.  There are also credits for Judas (a cute African-American teenager with no shirtless pics on his instagram),  Barrabas, and:

10. King Herod, played by Ian Rozylo, whose day job is a mixed martial arts instructor at a dojo in Vancouver.

11. Mike Antonakos as Vlad.  Who knew that Dracula had a chest?

By the way, I had a date/hookup/bar grope/something with Nate Richert, the original Harvey.  See Nate Richert's Kielbasa.