"My Fake Boyfriend": Entitled guy in a gay mecca can't find a boyfriend in spite of his huge cock

 

My Fake Boyfriend, on Amazon Prime: After Andrew is dumped, he concocts a plan to get even.  The "my" in the title suggests that Andrew has been dumped by a boyfriend, but you never know: I've been fooled before.  The icon shows a man, two women, and a male-male duo, so no help.  I'll have to watch to find out.

Opening credits: While a guy raps about how many women he has sex with, videos, pictures, and cartoon-character versions of the cast slide in and out of the screen at breakneck speed, from all directions, sometimes colliding with each other, along with multiple emojis and social media comments.  None stick around long enough to see clearly, but I think I can make out laughing, dancing, and hugging, men with women, men with men, trios, groups. 

Scene 1: Two shirtless guys, black and white, both muscular but quite ugly, trying to dance in front of a tropical backdrop.  Ugly #1 berates Ugly #2 for his poor choreography, but Ugly #2 insists that it will be fine: a few mistakes make you seem real and get you more "likes" on your social media page.  

He then fills in his name: Andrew, played by Kenan Lonsdale, top photo.  It's actually spelled another way, but the i and y ar in such unexpected places that it's impossible to get right. Keiyinan?  Keyinan?  Keiyyinan?

Anyhow, the RG website has a nude photo, at least according to ShyGuy22 -- Live Journal.  LeakedMeat also offers an "exclusive jerk-off video."  

More about Ugly #2: He's a Stuntman working on the soap opera  Hampton Bay, the soap starring Ugly #1 (Nico, played by Marcus Rosner, left).

They have been hooking up on the down low, but now The Star wants to be monogamous and announce their love to the world.

Whoops, Stuntman sees The Star's phone.  Another guy is texting him!   "Dessert at my place? Eggplant emoji." Cheating already!  No, the Star claims that it's just a random fan having a fantasy.

Scene 2: At a fancy-healthy eatery, Stuntman complains to his buddy Jake.

Jake is played by Dylan Sprouse of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, not the twin who posted dick pics online.  It's impossible to find any shirtless pics of this guy except for "before and after" illustrations in articles that gush "look, Dylan was a pile of disgusting flab, and now he's the hottest stud in the universe!"  Actually, I can't tell the difference.  Which is supposed to be "before"?

Back to the movie: the close friends who have known each other for years decide that this is a good time to answer the question "what do you do?"  We already know about the Stuntman .   Buddy Jake is an award-winning graphic designer relegated to grunt work.  

Buddy Jake has been watching the show, and reveals a "tell" so the Stuntman will know when the Star is lying.  We see it during a montage: "I didn't send anyone a dick pic";   "Got to go meet my personal trainer at 2:00 am."  "I didn't fart."

Just as the guys' quinoa-arugula wraps arrive, their third friend (Sarah Hyland of Modern Family) bursts in and kisses Buddy Jake.  So Andrew has only straight friends? So much for gay community.

The straight couple lays down the law:   "Nico keeps cheating, and you keep going back to him.  Dump him, or we'll unleash the nuclear option.  No more Nico!"

Scene 3: As days pass, Stuntman continually recites "No more Nico!" at the gym, on the set, while painting his apartment.  But when the Star invites him over for a hookup, he accepts.

Buddy Jake tries to keep him from backsliding, but the Stuntman tricks him into playing chess with an inscrutable Asian stereotype.  While they are playing, he rushes over for the hookup and rushes back. 

Scene 4:  On the set, choreographing a fight, Stuntman tells his opponent that the Star has changed.  She doesn't buy it: he's "hot garbage."  

The director interrupts them: it's time to shoot the scene.  This time Stuntman is kicked through a window -- to a room where the Star and Troy, the guy he is stunting for, are kissing!  

Angry, Stuntman tracks down Buddy Jake and his girlfriend or wife, who has not yet been named (IMDB calls her Kelly).   Buddy Jake suggests "Let's go suck some dicks."  So Jake is bi, and the girlfriend/wife doesn't expect monogamy.  Why should Stuntman?

They head to a gay bar in the Village.  Buddy Jake points out the bears, twinks, daddies, and otters.  A very inclusive establishment!  Stuntman doesn't like it. Next up: a leather disco. Stuntman doesn't like this one, either.  Then a cowboy bar on Christopher Street with no dancing. Wait -- this is a 30-year old gay guy who grew up in New York, and he has never been to a gay bar?  

"It's hard to find a boyfriend in New York," he moans.  Are you kidding?  Try some gay political, social, or religious groups.  Join the Gay Man's Chorus.  Join the Gay Gardening Club.  Or is this the standard movie gay community, where only gay bars exist?      

Scene 5:   Buddy Jake announces a new plan: he signs them onto a dating app as a couple looking for a third.  Then, when they meet the guy, they can "break up," leaving him for Andrew. So Jake is the fake ex-boyfriend?  

They immediately get a "ping" from Leo, who's only 20 feet away, so they chat for a moment, and then Buddy Jake pretends to break up with Stuntman.  I wouldn't be into a hookup after all that drama

Leo turns out to be a fruity sort who orders a vieux carré in a cowboy bar.  He also criticizes bi guys, Stuntman's profile pic, and his t-shirt ("Unicorns are fake.  God is real.")   Then he accuses Stuntman of using a date rape drug, and starts screaming.  Apparently this is a common act; the bartender (Matt Willis) kicks him out, then starts flirting with Stuntman.  He's not too bright, but he has a physique, so they decide to hook up.  He can just leave his job anytime he wants? 

Scene 6: But when the get back to the apartment, Stuntman freaks out and hides in the bathroom.  There's a muscular guy with a gigantic bulge waiting for you to go down on him. What is the problem?  Do you have residual guilt from growing up in a fundamentalist church?

Buddy Jake, who has him under surveillance, calls, annoyed: "Just get in there and beat it off." "Why would I beat him up?"  Bartender overhears and thinks that Stuntman likes fetish-wrestling, and won't listen when he says no.  Stuntman is forced to defend himself.  

I'm out of space, so I'll stop there.  We haven't even gotten to the fake boyfriend yet, or the second half of the movie, where the fake Cristiano, as well as the real ex-boyfriend, impede the Stuntman's blooming relationship with Rafi 

Beefcake: Shirtless guys and bulges, no frontal or rear nudity. 

Other Sights: Generic New York shot in Canada.

Gay Characters: Several.

My Grade:  Really entitled guys, and I'm sick of these movies where only bars exist, like it's 1956.  Wait -- even back then, they had the Mattachine Society.  B