The Watcher, on Netflix, sounds like a standard nuclear-family haunted house story. But it's written and produced by Ryan Murphy, who specializes in gay-themed projects (Hollywood, Halston, Circus of Books, the remake of Boys in the Band), so it doubtless has some gay characters. I reviewed Episode 1, "Welcome, Friends."
Scene 1: The nuclear family (Dad Dean, Mom Nora, Teenage Daughter, Preteen Son (why is it never the other way around?) are driving through an elegant suburb, gawking at the mansions, discussing their gorgeousness ad nauseam. They're here to view a mansion that they might buy: a gorgeous, incredibly gorgeous, fantastically gorgeous mansion with lake access. They are riveted by its gorgeousness. Dean and Nora kiss. I'm guessing that these people are noveau-riche. Maybe Dad is a retired sports star.
Dean is played by Bobby Cannivale, Will's boyfriend on Will and Grace 20 years ago. Now in his 50s, he's a bit craggier, and averse to taking his shirt off.
Ulp: Son Carter approaches the mansion, and a sinister man stares down from a second-floor window. Dean explains that he's not a ghost, he's another prospective buyer.
Scene 2: Inside, they are less riveted: the house needs some work. Dean and Nora kiss.
They meet a 200 year old woman in Pippi Longstocking pigtails, and her mentally challenged boyfriend/husband/son, who looks like he jumped out of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Pippi is the head of the local historic preservation society, here to make sure that the new owner doesn't touch the priceless dumbwaiter: "it's a national treasure." But the mansion itself isn't?
In the kitchen, they meet the realtor -- whom Nora knew at RISD (dunno what that is -- oh, google says Rhode Island School of Design). They discuss Nora's art career -- an opening at a gallery in Tribeca (I know what that is, but I'll bet most viewers don't. Could we not assume that everyone in the world lives near New York City?)
Meanwhile, Son Carter tries out the famous dumbwaiter, and Daughter, still nameless, complains that she doesn't want to move to a new gorgeous mansion. Dean hugs her. His excessive affection is making me uncomfortable. I wonder if there's something inappropriate going on, or is it just because I'm from the Midwest, where your Dad just shakes your hand -- on your birthday.
They all gather in one of the living rooms and discuss how unusual it is to see a tv mounted on the wall (huh?). The Sinister Old Guy from upstairs wants to know if indentured servants built the house, which disturbs everyone.
Out in the back yard, Realtor flirts inappropriately with Dean, Nora is disturbed by the sight of 19th Century Pippi Longstockings standing by herself, motionless, and an elderly couple in the next yard over is glaring at them. Still, they want the house.
Scene 3: Dean in a ritzy office, talking to his financial manager. He can't afford the house, and the bankruptcy ten years ago limits his chances of getting a loan. "Well, make it happen. Cash in my IRA, drain my saving account, whatever it takes. I want my kids to have their own room, and a back yard to play in." Um, Dean, yon't have to buy a mansion to get three bedrooms and a back yard. Most houses have those things.
And why isn't Nora in on this meeting? Did they forget that she's a famous artist with an income of her own?
Scene 4: Dean getting into a tax after the meeting. Whoops, no, he heads to the mansion to find the movers already there -- must be a time jump.
Dean enters the mansion and yells the sitcom cliche "Honey, I'm home." Can't tell if he's being ironic.
As the grand piano is delivered, the elderly couple next door grimaces: "We got a problem." Surely they won't be able to hear it from inside the mansion!
Nora has bought a fancy chair on Ebay-ish, which riles Dean. They've spent every penny of his money on the house, so there's nothing left for anything else. Except a grand piano, of course, and the new fancy countertops in the kitchen: "Carara marble is so 2009." Are these people elitist, posers, or what? I can't figure them out.
But he calms down, and they kiss 55 times (sorry, 58 times) and discuss how deliriously happy they are to be white, upper class, and heterosexual (sorry, 65 times..,I'll just fast-forward past the kissing).
Scene 5: Another time jump. Now it's the middle of the night. Nora and Dean are having anal sex, when Daughter knocks: "Come upstairs for a moment." "Mommy's coming, honey!"
What's with this woman? No one would use the third person -- and call herself "Mommy" -- when talking to her 16-year old daughter. Both Nora and Dean are inappropriately infantalizing the girl.
Scene 6: Daughter heard music coming from the attic, but there's nothing there. She's also wearing lipstick, which disturbs Dean: "We brought you out her to protect you from things like makeup. Be a little girl as long as you can," He kisses her a billion times. Geez, Dean, are you still horny after 6 hours of sex with your wife? Give it a rest!
Scene 7: The morning alarm goes off. Dean climbs out of bed (no beefcake), goes downstairs to make coffee, and is shocked by Texas Chainsaw from Scene 2, who brought in his newspaper.
At breakfast, they receive a letter from "The Watcher" complementing their children's bodies, and suggesting that they make more -- "you need to fill the house with young blood -- better for me."
Scene 8: Dean and Nora take the letter to the police, who scoff: "Westfield is the safest town in America. We've had no violent crimes for many years, just a few mysterious disappearances that we're not supposed to talk about...um...I mean, it was just a prank,"
Scene 9: Grimacing Neighbors are pruning arugula in Dean's side yard. He asks them to stay off his property, and they explode in rage. Plus they demand that Dean tone down the loud piano playing -- except no one has been playing the piano! "You could have been polite," they yell, "But now we're enemies, and we'll be watching you!" Obvious red herring.
Scene 10: Nora playing tennis with the Realtor. At lunch, Nora complains her son Carter's pet ferret, and about their financial struggles (then don't buy a mansion?). Realtor counters: her husband was a "pussy" who couldn't get it up. At least Dean doesn't have that problem, right?
Scene 11: On the dock, Nora tells Realtor about the Watcher. She thinks it's someone they outbid on the house. Realtor offers to get a list of names.
Scene 12: Dinner. Mom complains about Carter's pet ferret again. Dad complains about Daughter's bra strap being visible. Geez, enough with the criticism. Do you interact with your kids in any other way? Oh, right, you try to seduce them.
I'm getting tired of the utter lack of beefcake in this show. Luke David Blumm (Carter) is only 13, but here he is shirtless, in dirt-makeup.
Scene 13: Carter decides to give his pet ferret a ride on the famous dumbwaiter. But it's already occupied -- by Texas Chainsaw!
Scene 14: Dean yells at Texas Chainsaw: "If I find you in my house again, I'm going to fuck you up!" Pippi Longstockings, his 19th century wife/girlfriend/ mother, is outraged: "He's harmless! Every owner for the past 60 years has been fine with him wandering in the house! I'm watching you!" Another red herring.
When is the paranormal going to start? Other than the 200-year old woman, that is.
Scene 14: Nora is making pottery, when the doorbell rings. A hot guy, finally! Dakota, with Vanguard Security, played by Henry Hunter Hall. Here he poses with Naomi Watts (Nora), so maye he'll be a regular.
They order a bunch of cameras and sensors, for $7000, even though Dakota advises that it's "overkill." "By the way, I just started this company. I'm 19." Back story. More hope that he'll be a regular.
The adults leave. Dakota starts working on the installation, starting with the back yard, where Daughter -- Isabel, finally named -- is swimming in a skimpy bikini. After the audience gets a good look at her half-naked body, she advises: "Don't get any ideas. I'm jailbait." But they continue to grin at each other.
Whoops, Dad Dean saw the whole interaction! He roils in jealousy.
Scene 14: Night. While everyone is asleep, someone sneaks in and kills Carter's ferret (we don't see the murder, but we see the bloody body).
In the morning, two police cars and a detective arrive at the mansion (quite a lot for a dead pet). All of the doors were locked; no sign of forced entry. The detective is not impressed: "Maybe the ferret committed suicide."
Daughter Isabel comes downstairs to report on Carter's condition, and Dean criticizes her for wearing lipstick. Now? Really? What's with this guy?
Upstairs, Isabel encounters Dakota installing more alarms. They flirt.
Scene 15: Dean gets home from work and checks on his son. "What's the matter?" Um...I'm upset about my pet's murder? Dean hugs and kisses him a few times, and then heads to his daughter's room. I knew there was something inappropriate going on! Whew -- he just knocks and says "goodnight."
Scene 16: Isabel playing the piano. Grimacing Neighbors grimace.
Later, Dakota is installing more alarms ontside the house. He peers in at the family sitting down to dinner, and grimaces. Then Realtor drives past the house and grimaces. So we have five suspects,
Scene 17: While Nora joins the country club, Dean checks the mail, and finds another letter from the Watcher, with more threatening, sinister stuff, like "don't let the young blood play in the basement, or you won't be able to hear their screams." The end.
Beefcake: None here. Dakota takes his clothes off in Episode 2.
Other Sights: A lot of Westport, New Jersey.
Gay Characters: Absolutely none. Two new characters are introduced in Episode 2, and they both discuss their husband/wife and kids within two seconds of "hello." In Episode 3, they interrogate the Sinister Old Guy -- wife and kids, and there's a flashback to a previous owner of the house -- wife and kids. What's up with Ryan Murphy: "I've finished with the gay stuff. Time to move on to heterosexuals."
Based on a True Story: A couple in New Jersey bought the house, got threatening letters from The Watcher, and never moved in.
Paranormal: Pippi Longstockings and her mentally challenged husband/ boyfriend/ son look and act like they're from the 19th century, so probably ghosts. Whoever wrote the letters has detailed information that you couldn't get from peering into the house through a window; also probably a ghost. (Spoiler alert: not a ghost.)
My Grade: Deliberately refusing any gay representation? And almost all beefcake? F
There are plenty of gay people in suburban New Jersey. Cannavale has a good looking son name Jake who also acts.
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