Gemstones Episode 4.2: Baby Billy's d*ck, BJ's pole, Kelvin's pipe, and the Clobber Verses

Link to the NSFW version

Title: "You Hurled Me Into the Depths, Into the Very Heart of the Sea." Jonah 2.3: Jonah is in the belly of the great fish, praying for deliverance (not a whale -- there are no whales in the Mediterranean Sea).

Gemstone Roll Call: A gold-and-purple Baby Billy announces Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin in angel costumes.  The rest of the family joins them on stage for the Aimee-Leigh Birthday Give-A-Thon (in case you're interested, she was born on September 21, 1955).   Keefe does a high kick.  

The siblings appear in jetpacks, and rise up over the stage, but things go wrong and they crash.  Fortunately, it's just a rehearsal.

Baby Billy's D*ck:  In the dressing room, the siblings want to cut the jetpack bit, but Baby Billy insists: this is too important. So he's in charge now? And where the heck is Eli?   Somewhere in Florida. He won't answer their phone calls. 

Baby Billy then drops his trousers to flop his d*ck around: "This is what a real man looks like.  I booked all these people to the Give-a-Thon, so Eli has to be there!"   Fans were complaining that the stunt guy had no balls.  Who's looking for balls?

Eli Hooks Up:  Somewhere in Florida (actually the Keys), a grotesque long-haired Eli awakens on his boat, Nice Mussels, and cooks eggs for the lady he entertained last night.  She wants more of his "thick breakfast sausage" instead, but he explains that he is not ready for a relationship.  He's still trying to figure out what he wants.  Dude, you're 73.  Better hurry.  Besides, "I don't like you."  

She rushes off, but Eli struts down the dock, smoking a cigar, cruising the ladies.  Easter Egg: he has a cap from Adams College, a call-back to "Revenge of the Nerds"

Uh-oh, it's the siblings, for some reason dressed in their Cape and Pistol society costumes.  Judy has an unexplained bandaged hand.  They yell at Eli for drinking too much, and when they find a bra, hooking up with ladies.  "Am I supposed to be in mourning all my life?"  "Yes!"  They had the same argument with him in Season 2, when Junior arranged for a hookup with a lady.

He refuses to go to the telethon.  The siblings annoy him by saying "p*ssy" over and over, and making the tongue-through-fingers gesture, until he consents.  How does Kelvin know about that?

Time to set up the sibling conflicts for the season:

BJ's Pole:  BJ (not pictured) is in a pole dancing class otherwise occupied entirely by women (the casting call asked for men, too, but I guess none showed up).  Judy disapproves of him spending so much time aroiund hot ladies, or having any life outside of her, but he explains that the "physical rigor and slightly taboo nature of pole dancing" has keyed into his obsessive nature, like pickleball in Season 3 and skating in Season 2. BJ's story arc always involves trying to become his own person, distinct from Judy.

It turns out that pole dancing is a competitive sport, with men and women participants.

Living Loud and Proud: Kelvin and Keefe in glittering green hold their all-inclusive Bible study in a glittering green hall.  Applause by a drag queen, a butch lesbian, a couple of gay guys.  Kelvin explains that Prism, "where diversity sparkles," involves "looking at the Bible in a different light."  They talk all around it, but they don't say "gay."  I'm concerned. 

They see the Bible differently from "older, lamer generations."  They omit the yucky stuff and concentrate on the good stuff, with the Kelvin Gemstone Edition Bibles.  So they're censoring the text?  You're not allowed to do that. Why not discuss the contemporary scholarly consensus that the Five Clobber Verses have nothing to do with contemporary LGBTQ identities:

1. The story of Sodom: their sin was being inhospitable to strangers, not being gay.

2. "Thou shalt not lie with man as with woman": A reference to temple prostitution.  Anyhow, the next passage says that eating shrimp is an abomination, too.

3. "Men, leaving the natural use of women, burned with l*ust."  It's a story about l*ust, not a condemnation of gay relationships.

4. "Strange flesh."  Dating angels.

5. "Homosexuals," a mistranslation of arsenokoitai and malakoi: slang swear words like motherf*ker, not meant to be taken literally

Back home, Keefe helps Kelvin de-flamboyant himself by taking off his shirt and rings.  Kelvin is happy that he can finally "be myself and be worshipped for it," and their success is something that he can "throw in Jesse and Judy's faces."  I liked you better when you were buying d*ildos, buddy.

Left: a cute devil plushy on Keefe's side of the bed.

Keefe wants to be more open, like "kissing more in public," or maybe..... getting married?   Keefe's story arc always has him trying to push a resistant Kelvin to the next stage in their relationship. Doubtless there'll be a Kelvin/Keefe wedding in Episode 4.8.

Kelvin is alarmed by the idea of marriage. Maybe if you did it right, on one knee, with a ring?  

Being more open would hurt the ministry.   What about Sigfried and Roy? "They were lickin' each other's d*cks just like you and me do, but they didn't...put in the pipe with each other in front of the audience."  He wants to kiss you on stage, not put his pipe in  you.  It's not the same thing.

Siegfried and Roy performed magic acts with a white tiger in Las Vegas from 1967 to 2003.  They never  denied that they were romantic partners, but they never actually came out either.  When Roy died of COVID in 2020, Siegfried announced that "I have lost my best friend."

To assuage Keefe's hurt feelings, Kelvin becomes "the kissy monster."  Annoyed, Keefe complains that he doesn't have time for the kissy monster right now, but Kelvin chases him across the room.  He starts climbing, presumably onto the bed. Dude, he said no, and that "kissy monster" shtick is not at all sexy.

More after the break

  

Pontius' Private Parts: Jesse taping a commercial for his new line of Prayer Pods, like privacy pods except that inside you can pray, play Bible Bonkers, listen to a sermon, and so on.  He forces the entire family into one.  It's a tight fit: Pontius, sitting on his lap, deliberately f*arts in his face.

In the dressing room, we get some back story:  Pontius (top photo and left) got kicked out of the Citadel for low grades, and  because he was posting videos of his buddies sticking firecrackers up each other's bottoms.  

That sounds like slang for gay activity, but apparently it's a real thing: people put fireworks in their friends' bottoms as a prank.  

I still think Ponty is hinting at same-sex interests.  

Amber notes that you can "hurt your privates doing things like that," but Pontius insists that his privates work fine, disgusting his parents.  Darn, now you have viewers checking out your bulge.

Gideon's Bottom Buddy: Jesse can't communicate with his father Eli, but Gideon has no trouble: "I call Granddad, or he calls me."  

This enrages Jesse, who calls them bottom buddies.  Amber points out that the phrase actually refers to "s*odomy," so he backs down: "I didn't mean it like that.  I'm not trying to say that he's trying to f*k Daddy."  Of course not, Gideon is a bottom.

This is a continuation of the Eli-Gideon relationship from Season 3, so it shouldn't come as a surprise.  I'm wondering, however, if Gideon is ever going to have a relationship with anyone outside the family.  His last friend or boyfriend was Scotty, who died at the end of Season 1.  Your Granddad has overcome his grief and moved on, Gid Baby; maybe you should, too.

Abraham's got nothing: Poor Gavin; his last plot arc was in Season 2, and it was about leaving secretions all over the house.  Looks like he's got nothing here, either; after the Prayer Pod commercial, he sits by himself and plays on his cell phone, just entering the conversation to laugh that his Dad is "b*utthurt" over Gideon's relationship with Eli.  

Amber criticizes that phrase as referencing "s*odomy" also.  What you got against gay stuff, girl?

Karen arrives:  The siblings are getting jetpack training from J.R. Rodriguez (good idea), when it's time for the friend or relative from Eli's past to arrive and shake things up: Baby Billy in Season 1; Junior in Season 2; May-May in Season 3; and now "Mama's bestie," Lori , played by Megan Mullaly, Karen on Will and Grace.   

Everyone rushes to hug her; Kelvin blurts out "I love you."  It sounds like he means it in a romantic way.  Is he going to dump Keefe for the old lady?  They discuss how much they miss Aimee-Leigh.

She explains that she hasn't visited for awhile because she's been doing dinner theater in Pigeon Forge -- the Smokey Mountains home of Dolly Parton's Dollywood and other countrified attractions.  An article in Focus, the Tennessee LGBTQ magazine, calls it a "Gay Mecca."

Pontius Shreds: Pontius lights up outside the Salvation Center and does some professional-looking skateboard stunts. 

Gideon invites him to "Gideon's Prayer Time," which the church Information Booth announces at 11:00 every Wednesday.  This is apparently the first time: he'll be preaching the sermon. Wait -- you don't preach at a prayer meeting.  You lead prayers.  

Pontius sneers. "And watch you flounder?  I'll pass."

Gideon Flounders: Cut to a meeting room with about a dozen senior citizens and Jesse and Eli.  Gideon has a powerpoint presentation and note cards, but he doesn't even remember the Bible verse. John 18:6: "And Jesus said, "I am He."   That's six words.  Did you do any prep at all?  

"The Roman soldiers came looking for Jesus of Nazareth.  When he said 'I am He,' they all fell to the ground. Um...er...I guess that's it."  So what does this mean for us today?  Sermons are supposed to apply the text.

Later,  in the hallway, Gideon gulps: "I'm no good at preaching."  Jesse suggests dropping the powerpoints and the monotone voice, and Eli, "It's an older crowd.  Keep it simple."  Gideon prefers Eli's advice; they fist bump, which enrages Jesse.  Well, Jesse's advice was more useful. 

Is Lori the Season's Big Bad?:  Time for the telethon.  As Eli and the siblings perform the opening banter, Lori watches from offstage, looking rather mean and sinister, as if she has a nefarious motive for re-appearing.  

The first two episodes usually introduce real and red-herring antagonists: Scotty/Gideon and Rev. Sessions in Season 1; Junior and the Lissons in Season 2; May-May and Uncle Peter in Season 3.  So far Lori is the only new character.  But she's being set up as sinister so thoroughly that I suspect she's the red herring.  

Cut to Gideon, Amber, and a lot of extras answering the phones, as people call in their donations. 

Lori performs: "Time moves so slowly, since you took your love away/  But I won't be lonely, because love will come back here one day."  Wait -- were Lori and Aimee-Leigh more than friends? 

Afterwards, she finds Eli in the Green Room, and announces that she's leaving right away.  He offers a handshake, then thinks better of it and rushes out of the Salvation Center to her car.  They kiss -- a lot.

Meanwhile, the siblings rise up on the jetpack-spacesuits and float through the audience. Notice that Jesse has a winged gemstone, Judy a U-shaped collar, and Kelvin what looks like...um...some sort of beads. 

Their jets blow the papers and Bibles out of people's hands, and they fly too low, knocking a few heads.  Finally they settle into a circular formation.  Jesse rises higher and higher, toward the disco ball at the top the auditorium.  He's going to crash and fall like Icarus! 

The closing song is "It's a Sin," by the Pet Shop Boys (1987):

So I look back on my life forever with a sense of shame.

I've always been the one to blame.

For everything I long to do, no matter when or where or who, has one thing in common, too:

It's a, it's a, it's a sin.

Growing up Nazarene, I know that feeling. You felt guilty about everything.  Most acts are sins; some aren't technically sins but waste precious time that you could be using to serve God; and some are serving God, but you should be doing them better. Nothing is ever right. 

Looks like Eli is going to feel guilty about moving on to a new love with Lori, probably because they had some sparks or even a full affair while Aimee-Leigh was alive. Jesse never feels guilty about anything, but he'll be jealous of his son's relationship with Eli.  Judy and BJ, Kelvin and Keefe will spar, as usual.  I'm looking forward to seeing Pontius get a plot arc other than "bad boy."  The end.. 

See also: "How do I know I'm g___?"  A Young Gideon Story

Gideon Gemstone and the Return of Scotty Steele. With A Special Appearance by Clay Chang

Jason Marsden: Second hottest of the Short Guy brigade, Steve Smith, Max Goof

Sage Ftacek: "Sweethearts" Short Brigade stud from Anoka

Gemstones Episode 1.3: Kelvin outs himself, Baby Billy gets n*aked, and Scotty shoves his wiener into Gideon's face.. With some bonus wieners.