Ethan Wacker: The former teen spy, Bizaardvark manager, and Vanderbilt fratboy looks good in a suit

 

Link to the n*de photos

I only knew three things about Ethan Wacker before beginning the research: 

1. At 5'7", he's a member of the Short Guy Brigade

2. He has an amazing physique.

3. He has a lot of male friends.  

A lot of male friends.

Actually, I'm getting tired of posting photos of Ethan and his male friends.  Let's check his biography.

Born in Connecticut in 2002, moved to South Korea and then to Hawaii.

His acting credits begin in 2006 (at the age of four!) with a video game called Papa Louie: When Pizza Attacks

More video games and animation followed, plus two episodes of the teencom KC Undercover (2015-18), a Disney Channel teencom about "an outspoken and confident technology whiz and skilled black belt" who becomes a spy.   

Ethan played the son of the Vice President of the U.S. 

Then he appeared in Hawaii Five-0, See Plum Run, Tour of Mythicality, and 63 episodes of Bizaardvark (2016-2019).  

More after the break

Jasper Keen: From the High Desert to the Big Island to a BFA, with some gay and guy-hugging roles and a hot buddy

   

Link to the n*de dudes

I was watching the first episode of Duster on MAX (I guess back to HBO now), a sort of homage to 1970s blacksploitation movies, with Josh Holloway of Lost bicker-flirting with the Get Christie Love-type Nina (who is not credited in the cast list).  While the Crime Boss is congratulating his staff on their latest caper, the long-haired, limp-wristed, femme-ringed Sean criticizes his coworker: "You're telling me you've never had fondue?  That sh*t is clutch!"

An obviously gay guy employed by a crime family in the 1970s?   He only appears in that one scene in an episode cluttered with Duster grinning as he is drooled over by endless scantily-clad women, all of whom have either had the most incredible experience of their life with him or are looking forward to one tonight, if he can squeeze them into his schedule. 

But one scene is enough.  I had to research the actor, to see if he is gay in real life.

His name is Jasper Keen.  He's not much to look at - those long, gaunt "rodent boy" faces are a major turn-off -- but check out those biceps and washboard abs.  

Jasper spent his early childhood Cuyamungua, New Mexico, about 15 miles north of Santa Fe,  helping his parents "fix up properties in the high desert."

In fourth grade he moved with his parents to the Big Island of Hawaii, to live off the grid on a coffee farm, "working the fully off-grid eleven acres of jungle."  (he was home schooled).

He returned for high school enrolled at the  New Mexico School of the Arts.  Before graduating, he was in about 20 plays, from Into the Woods to Little Shop of Horrors.  He received the National Young Arts Award for theater in 2015.

Next Jasper enrolled at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts, where he appeared in the gay-themed Spring Awakening and Cascarones.  He graduated with a BFA in Acting in 2020. 

He also took an Introduction to Shakespeare class in the Orkney Islands, which resulted in roles of Oberon in A Midsummer Night's Dream and Iago in Othello.

His on-screen acting begins in North Carolina, with the shorts Child's Play, Loser, Interstate 80, and Running, which has a gay theme: a man (Jim Boemio) goes for a run and ruminates on lost relationships, including one with Jasper.

Guest spots on tv followed, including episodes of Walker (2021) and Big Sky (2022).

A minor role in How to Blow Up a Pipeline (2022): Some environmental activists, including Lukas Gage, Marcus Scribner, and gay actor Forrest Goodluck, plan to harm a pipeline. 

More after the break

Rescue Hi-Surf: Lifeguards rescue surfers, have soap opera problems, and one of them is big. But where are the Speedos?

  

 

   Link to the n*de photos

The purpose of lifeguard shows is to watch pecs, biceps, and Speedos.  There may be some plotlines involving the nearing-retirement guy with the dead son, the Ivy League dropout whose dad wants him to become a lawyer, and the reformed druggie trying to build a new life for himself, but they will be cliched and predictable; you watch to see guys bouncing around in Speedos. 

Sometimes the bikini babes overwhelm the screen, making the show unwatchable, but I have high hopes for Rescue Hi-Surf (2024-5), on Hulu, because showrunner Matt Kester also gave us Animal Kingdom, with muscular men strutting about in Speedos amid fully clothed women.  

Oh, and maybe there will be some rescues, too.

Scene 1: Establishing shots of the ocean off Oahu, and a pipeline: three story waves breaking over a volcanic reef.  Hunky son, played by Kameron Dowis, is going to surf in that stuff while Mom and Dad check out of the airbnb.  

Cut to the beach, where a lot of people are watching about 20 surfers. 

Cut to lifeguard station, with three lifeguards, the woman in a bikini, the men wearing t-shirts and shorts -- no speedos, darn. 

The Ocean Safety Captain says that they've had six rescues already, and the waves are getting bigger. It's getting dangerous, like "high diving into a kiddie pool."

Uh-oh, a guy wipes out and is down.  They count...but he's up, grabbed by a safety officer on jet ski. 

The Air BNB Guy cozies up to some experienced surfers, who give him instructions, especially "Whatever you do, don't get stuck inside," with the wave above and below you. 

Uh-oh, he wipes out, and is floating unconscious.  The Female Lifeguard runs out, her midriff on display.  She finds him, loads him on a jet ski, and they zoom back to the beach, just ahead of the pipeline wave.  The other lifeguards grab him, perform CPR, and then load him into the waiting ambulance.  "You got lucky -- welcome to the North Shore."

Back story; The guy's name is Reef, and he's from Florida.  So a family from Florida is vacationing in Hawaii?  Not Quebec?

Opening credits.

Scene 2: Closeup of the chest of a cute guy swimming. Uh-oh, he's sinking...and Ocean Safety Captain (Robbie Magasifa. top photo) wakes up.  He's sleeping on the couch in his plant-filled living room.  It was a nightmare about his son, who died two years ago.  I called it.

It's time to test the lifeguard recruits.  A Bikini Babe recruit arrives late, arguing with her mother who disapproves of lifeguarding and wants her to return to her Ivy League college.  I called it.

Scene 3:  The test: run, swim, run, 100 yards each, 4000 meter swim, 400 yard paddle. Bikini Babe and Sweater Guy stand in front, but the guys in back are shirtless. Still no Speedos.

Bikini Babe finishes first, followed by Sweater Guy.  They all pass, but she's so great that she gets the plum District 7 assignment.  The disgraced guys grimace and growl. "Don't worry, we'll assign you to the kiddie pool or something."  I may be exaggerating the dialogue a bit.

Sweater Guy approaches Bikini Babe to explain that he almost beat her.  It was just dumb luck that he came in .001 seconds late. She's not having it:  "Just admit that a Bikini Babe is better than you."  I imagine that she'll find him "arrogant" as they embark on a three-season long "will they or won't they" story arc.

Scene 4: At the lifeguard station, they put a firefighters's hat on the Big Guy's stuff.  "Ha-ha, very funny," he says.  Back story: he's retiring from life guarding to become a firefighter, but they disapprove because firefighters never do anything but pose for calendars. 

Also, he's dating the Female Lifeguard.  She concludes that he;s taking the job to get away from her.  The world doesn't revolve around you, girlfriend.

Wait -- they're not dating.  They broke up two years ago, and he's engaged to someone else.  Girlfriend is delusional.

Big Guy is played by Adam Demos.  The reason for his nickname after the break:

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates: Bulges and biceps, but where's the plot?

  

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016) gets a 36% on Rotten Tomatoes. A reviewer says that "It's definitely a movie to watch when you don't want to think too much." 

 I always want to think while watching a movie; structural analysis is the fun part. But it stars Adam Devine and his bromantic partner Zac Efron, who is also sort of cute, so here goes.

Scene 1:  Mike (Adam) is trying to sell his brand of tequila to a bar owner, using Dave (Zac) as a plant.  Except the bartender knows him -- they hang out! And the guys try this every couple of weeks.  He buys the tequila anyway.  The guys hug.  Zac is established as heterosexual in Minute 1.

Scene 2: Montage of the guys frolicking at parties -- trampoline, fireworks, kissing girls.. Beefcake shots of both. . Cut to them returning to their apartment to find two heterosexual couples -- Mom and Dad!  I'm guessing Mom and Dad got divorced and married other people, so there are four parents. 

They complan that the guys keep going to parties stag, htting on girls, and ruining things.  Wait -- in the montage, everyone was having fun. Nothing was ruined.  And the "hitting on girls" was a mutual flirtation, not a sleazy come-on.  Mom and Dad are being unreasonable.

Uh-oh, the montage was an unreliable narrator.  A lot of those parties turned into disasters. So Mom and Dad lay down the law: at the upcoming wedding, they must each bring a date (they specify a girl).  How will that keep the fireworks from destroying a camper, or grandpa from being pushed into his birthday cake?

Oh, and it turns out that the second couple is their sister Jeannie and her fiance Erik (Sam Richardson)

Character development: Mike is aggressive, easily-angered, and a schemer, while Dave is quiet, stable, and has to be talked into the craziness.  Mike saved Dave from bullies when they were in school. Shouldn't Dave be saving Mike?  Zac Efron is about twice as muscular as Adam Devine, and has a bigger dick, and everybody knows that you need a big dick to fight bullies.

Scene 3:  Betty and Veronica (um...I mean Alice and Tatiana) working in a sleazy bar. Alice gets drunk and dances on a table, so the boss fires them both.  They go home and watch a video of Alice getting dumped at the altar (by Kyle Smigielski, left), and exclaim "Fuck him right in the dick!"  I'm not sure a dick can get fucked by anothe dick.  Sounded, maybe. They reminisce about vodka brownies and wet t-shirt contests.

Meanwhile, the guys wonder where they can find nice, respectable girls to take to the wedding: Match.com, Tinder, Grindr (really?), Craigslist? 

They post their ad - two incredibly gorgeous guys offer a free weekend in Hawaii -- and the number of responses breaks the internet. 

Bob (Bob Turton) sees the ad. His friends tell him it's just for girls; he replies "that's not a dealbreaker," and goes to the interview in drag. He explains that he's new to drag, but he just got out of a divorce, and wants to fuck. They refuse graciously. 

Two lesbians respond: "I'm not really looking for a heteronormative relationship."  That's not what heteronormative means, ladies. 

Other responses: druggies, sleazoids, prostitutes, a racist. Check, please!

The full review, with three nude photos (one of Zac's butt), is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

What Happened to the Asian Beefcake?

During the 1960s, there were only five male performers of East or Southeast Asian ancestry in regular or recurring role on tv: the cook Hop Sing (Victor Sen Yung) on Bonanza, the valet Kato (Bruce Lee) on The Green Hornet, Sulu (George Takei) on Star Trek, and two assisting detectives on Hawaii Five-O.  Mostly servants and sidekicks.  Only Sulu was ever displayed shirtless, and that was to signify that he had become mentally unstable.

In spite of Bruce Lee's influence in popularizing Asian muscle, the 1970s were even worse: Keone Young (right) as a science-nerd teenager on Room 222, the dissolute, hard-gambling dtective Yemana (Jack Soo) on Barney Miller, teen hangout proprietor Arnold (Pat Morita) on Happy Days, and Sam (Robert Ito), lab assistant on Quincy, M.E.  Hawaiian singer Don Ho had a brief daytime tv show.

There weren't even any Asians in commercials.  I remember one: in 1974, a laundry guy (Calvin Jung, left) claims that he gets clothes clean with an "ancient Chinese secret."  But the joke is: he and his wife both speak colloquial American English ("My husband, some hotshot!"), and he actually uses Calgon detergent.  According to Jung, just speaking with an American accent was a breakthrough.

There were some hunks among the sidekicks and servants, but again, not a button out of place.

A breakthrough of sorts came in the late 1980s.  On 21 Jump Street (1987-91), Ioki (Dustin Nguyen) was one of the detectives assigned to go undercover in a high school.  He didn't get quite the on-screen exposure of his white costars (Johnny Depp and Peter DeLuise), but lots of shirtless shots and artistic nudes appeared, and he bared almost all in Playgirl. 

Dean Cain, Clark Kent in the Superman update Lois and Clark (1993-97), was a veritable sex symbol, shirtless or underwear-clad in nearly every episode, his massive pecs and shoulders a mainstay of teen magazines.

In the 2000s,  Daniel Dae Kim (left) and Ken Leung lent their sculpted physiques to Lost.  

But they were exceptions.  Today, Asian representation on tv is almost as bad as gay representation: less than 2% of regular or recurring roles, lots of servants and sidekicks, lots of humorously asexual nerds, without so much as a flexed bicep.

See also: 10 Hot/Hung Photos of Lee Doud and random nude dudes.

Adam Devine's House Party, Episode 3.1: Hawaii gets gay marriage. With bonus nude Hawaiian dudes.

I'm not a big fan of Adam Devine's House Party, the Comedy Central series spotlighting up-and-coming stand-up comedians.  The two episodes I've reviewed were heterosexist, promoting "all boys like girls and all girls like boys" rhetoric. It's like crashing a party where you weren't invited, so everyone pretends that you're invisible. Plus Adam's persona is authoritarian, self-aggrandizing, and unpleasant.  But he takes his shirt off.

One more try: in Season 3, the party moves to Hawaii, where there's bound to be some muscle guys in Speedos.  In Episode 3.1, Adam marries a dude! No way they can do that without mentioning LGBT people. 

Link to NSFW version

Scene 1: Adam announces that for tonight's episode, he is taking over a resort in Hawaii.  Mary the Hotel Manager says no, he can't, because the space is reserved for a wedding. He'll have to do it tomorrow.  Adam claims that he's the one who reserved the space: he'll be getting married on the show tonight.  Ok, but he'd better get married, or she'll unplug the show on the spot. 

Intro: Beach babe, Adam kissing a girl, accidentally pouring ketchup on his pants. running out of the surf, a disgusting closeup of a girl's bare butt.  Guest comedians: Chris Garcia, Jacob Williams, Megan Gailey

Scene 2: Afternoon.  Darn, everyone is fully clothed except for a big-boobed girl at the drink stand.  Adam reveals to the comedians that he has to get married tonight.  Chris is married already, so it's down to Jacob and Megan.   

The two go off by themselves to discuss it: Jacob is heterosexual, so he's not attracted to guys in general, and Megan is heterosexual but not attracted to Adam at all.  But he's rich, so being his partner might be fun. They call him back: "One of us will marry you.  But you're gonna have to woo us." They act like this will be a forever marriage.  Why not just have a pretend wedding? 

Scene 3: Chris Garcia riffs on how boring soccer is, Hispanic-American culture, and comics who make fun of how their parents talk.  

Scene 4: Jacob is excited about the wedding, and the honeymoon: he has booked them the bridal suite at the hotel.  Hey, bait and switch writers: when the comedians say "you'll have to woo us," there have to be unny bits where Adam tries to woo them. Ever hear of Chekhov's Gun?

 Adam reveals that he's decided on Megan because she's a girl, and, you know, he is into girls.  

Wait -- Manager Mary is watching, so they have to act like they're in love. They should kiss.

Adam recoils in disgust at the idea of kissing another dude. He's always hugging guys, pressing foreheads, grabbing butts, even on this show. Here he has a group massage with Jak Knight and Brandon Wardell.  But kissing is another matter entirely.  I would never kiss a girl, no matter what the script said.

Jacob suggests that they move their faces together as if they are kissing, and grab butts.  Mary is satisfied; "They're boyfriends."

Scene 5: Jacob riffs on having sex with his girlfriend, and finishing too soon. I fast-forwarded. 

Scene 6: Manager Mary wants to know where Adam's fiance is.  He shoves Jacob out of the way and explains that they are ex-boyfriends. It's hard to get over him -- "I love cock!"  -- but Adam is with Megan now. She won't kiss him, but Manager Mary is satisfied.

Scene 7: Megan riffs on being attracted to men in boat shoes and the problem of doing female-centered humor.

Scene 8: Blake is performing the Adam-Megan wedding.  When he asks if anyone objects, Jacob comes forward: "We're both heterosexual men, but I need money."  

Adam objects that if he marries Megan, he'll get to have sex, but she is disgusted by the idea, and backs out.  So it's Jacob.  

Blake: "It's freakin' sick (good), Dude.  Love rules. I now pronounce you man and another man, they're both men, men together." 

Jacob and Adam shake hands and walk into the crowd, Adam grimacing in disgust.  At that moment, the real couple arrives.  Manager Mary says "I knew something was up," and pulls the plug.  The end.

Beefcake: Only in the opening shots.

Gay Characters: Never.

My Grade:  This episode, which aired in March 2016, is a riff on same-sex marriage, which was legalized in Hawaii in October 2013, and everywhere in the U.S. in June 2015. Everyone is completely nonchalant about it, which is a plus, but how about having some real gay people at your party, Adam?  And lay off the graphic display of bikini babe butts. C.

Nude Hawaiian dudes on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Barry Williams/Greg Brady

Of the three boys in the iconic 1970s blended-family sitcom The Brady Bunch (1969-74), Christopher Knight (Peter, middle) grew into a bodybuilder with a spectacular physique, and Mike Lookinland (Bobby, right) grew into a hunk who could fill out a pair of tight jeans.


But Barry Williams (Greg, left) was hot right then, every Friday night during the 1972-73 school year, when you were working on your algebra homework and reading Donald Duck comic books.

He had a face -- dreamy, cool, goofy, handsome all at the same time.  And a killer body. He didn't display it often, but those few episodes where Greg drops his shirt or tries surfing in Hawaii are forever etched into the brains of heterosexual girls and gay boys of the Boomer generation.

 He didn't get as many gay subtexts as his brother Peter -- in fact, every other episode seemed to be about Greg liking some girl -- but sometimes beefcake is more than enough.

Born in 1954, Barry Williams burst onto the television scene in 1968, with appearances on The FBI, Lancer, That Girl, Gomer Pyle, Mod Squad -- you name it.

For the next two decades, he would be busy with The Brady Bunch and its various sequels and spin-offs: a Saturday morning cartoon (1972-73), The Brady Bunch Variety Hour (1976-77), The Brady Girls Get Married (1981), A Very Brady Christmas (1988), The Bradys (1990).  But he still had time for guest shots, on Three's Company, Murder She Wrote, Highway to Heaven, and even General Hospital.  

And live theater, in Pippin (1975).

He's also done his share of stunt casting:

In 2002, he boxed with former Partridge Family kid Danny Bonaduce (Danny won).

On an episode of That 70s Show (2006), Barry and his tv brother Christopher Knight played a gay couple who move in next to the 1970s Formans.  They got a big audience reaction from their on-camera kiss.

In Bigfoot (2012) Barry and Danny played a folk singer and music promoter, respectively, who go on the offensive after Bigfoot invades a rock festival.

See also: Christopher Knight/Peter Brady; and The Brady Bunch Dad

"I Know What You Did Last Summer": LGBTQ Representation. For Two Episodes, Anyway

In the original I Know What You Did Last Summer movie (1997), four teens driving along the North Carolina coast accidentally hit and kill a pedestrian.  Instead of, say, calling the police, they throw the body in the ocean and get on with their lives.  But a year later, a slasher who "knows what you did last summer" starts slashing them and their friends, leaving only the the Last Girl, Julie (Jennifer Love Hewitt) and her boyfriend, Ray (Freddie Prinz Jr.), to smooch and declare their love for each other.

A sequel was inevitable.  In I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), the slasher continues to vex heterosexual college sweethearts Julie and Ray and their friends, including a token black guy (Mekhi Pfifer).  He gets slashified, but Julie and Ray survive, and get married. 

Someone said that tragedies end with a stage littered with bodies, and comedies end with a wedding.  

Eight years later, the franchise continued with I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006).  This time four teens accidentally kill a peer in a prank that goes wrong, and a year later the slasher starts slashing. The Last Girl's boyfriend (David Paetkau, left) gets sliced and diced, but she survives with a new beau (Ben Easter).

I never saw any of these movies -- they sounded heterosexist to the max, and besides, the slasher genre is stale.  But I watched the first two episodes of the new Amazon retread, I Know What You Did Last Summer.  This time the setting is a small town in Hawaii, and the squashed pedestrian is Allison, the straightlaced, uber-square twin sister of boozing, drugging, screwing wild child Lennon.  Or is it Lenon who was squashed, and Allison decided on a dead-sister masquerade?  And, for the first time in I Know history,  one of the teens is gay: Johnny (Sebastian Amoroso).  He even discusses dating a guy at the gym, Erik (Duncan Kamakana), although they're not shown kissing or anything.

Ok, I've tried 15 times to get that last name right.  Amoroso makes the most sense, since it's an actual Italian word, but Google doesn't have any images of an actor named Sebastian Amoroso.  Wikipedia says Amoruso, but it also calls Johnny "Jhonny."    Amaroso?  Amoruso?  Amaruso? Amando?   How about a photo of Duncan Kamakana instead?

Four episodes have dropped to date, but I'm only planning to watch two, because:

Johnny and Eric are the first to die.

Bury your gays.

"Doogie Kamealoha": A Fierce Doctor, a Gay Brother, and Lots of Hawaiian Hunks

 A show called Doogie Kamealoha, M.D. just dropped on the Disney Channel, an homage to the 1990s drama Doogie Howser, M.D.   Doctors were complaining about the ridiculous premise the first time.  No way a 16 year old will be admitted to medical school, let alone commence a career in medicine. I don't care how smart you are, you don't have the emotional maturity for the job.  Or the bedside manner. 

But it's set in Hawaii, so maybe there will be some shirtless hunks.  I watched the first episode.

Scene 1: I was right.  On her sixteenth birthday, Doogie (real name Lahela) and her hot dad go surfing. Dad is iconic 1990s hunk Jason Scott Lee, still reeling in the years!  And we see a lot more of his body than hers.  

Then, in a reversal of the standard boy staring in jaw-dropping lust at a girl walking in slow motion, Doogie stares in jaw-dropping lust at a boy walking in slow motion: Walter (Alex Aiono).  They have their first date Friday, to the big school dance. 

Scene 2: Doogie taking her driver's test, but driving so slowly that a speed walker passes them.   Helicopter parent Dad is in the back seat.  

Suddenly they come to the scene of an accident.  Doogie rushes out, shows her credentials to the cops, and rotates the victim's broken leg so he doesn't lose it due to blocked circulation.  "Who is this kid?" the driving instructor asks.  "My daughter."  Apparently she graduated from med school at age 14, and has completed her residency.  Now for a 70-year long career in medicine.

Scene 3: At the hospital, Doogie and her fiercely feminine associate, Charles (Jeffrey Bowers-Chapman), negotiate a patient who disapproves of being diagnosed by a kid.  He threatens to sue, but she points out that there's no federal or state law requiring doctors to be of a certain age. 

Scene 4: The boss, who is also Doogie's Mom (nepotism alert!) calls her out for...um, posting a risque dance on TikTok. Is she being a boss or a mom?  The hot Dr. Lee (Ronny Chieng) drops by to show his "Magic Mike moves"   (Lotsa Asian beefcake on this show).

Scene 5: Dad working at his Shave Ice and Lei Truck.  He explains that he gave up a high-pressure job in finance to "do what he loves," which is selling shave ice and flowers. I guess.  Mom drops by to talk to their other two kids: the "straight C' dreamy teen idol Kai and the "eats only pizza rolls" chubby kid Brian.   

Scene 6: Doogie visits an elderly hippie patient -- ahh, Brad from The Rocky Horror Picture Show!  Didn't I see him in his underwear, being cruised by Dr. Frank-n-Furter, just yesterday?  Suddenly he is  76 years old.  O tempora, O mores, O hell.   

He discusses the first time he danced with a woman and "tried a few other things."  Inapprop, dude!  But Doogie decides that she needs "a night of firsts," too., like her first date, her first kiss, and her first...um, whatever.

Scene 7:  Doogie, hot Dr. Lee, and Boss Mom argue over the best course of action for treating the Hippie.  

Scene 8: While dad cooks an octopus, Doogie talks to her podcast followers.  Her wacky best friend Stef leaps in through the window, and invites herself to dinner.  

Doogie asks Mom for a later curfew for tomorrow night's dance, since they're all going to Zippy's (the iconic Hawaiian chain restaurant).  Mom refuses.  They argue, and Doogie storms off.

Meanwhile, Stef throws herself at dreamy Kai, who ignores her.

Stef: "Who are you taking to the school dance?" Flutter, flutter, hint, hint.

Kai: "I'm going with some male friends.  It's more fun that way."  I hear you, brother.  Who needs a girl messing things up?

Scene 9: At the Shave Ice and Lei Truck, feminine Charles, hot Dr. Lee, and some other doctors joke around.  Mom discusses the problems of being a boss and a mother at the same time (then maybe don't hire your daughter?). .  

Scene 10: Walter from Scene 1 arrives to pick up Doogie for the dance.  Dad glares at him with distaste, but is mollified by a gift of Spam (you have to be from Hawaii to understand).  Walter's entire extended family arrives to meet his date and her family!

Steph talks her way into riding to the dance with Kai. She squeals "I got to apologize ahead of time for frontal grinding your brother."  Whew, this isn't your mother's Disney Channel!

Scene 11.  The dance.  Looks like all boy-girl couples.  Sreph keeps throwing herself at Kai, while he tries to ignore her and looks embarrassed.

Meanwhile, Doogie and Walter confess that this is their first date.  Really?  At age 16?   They start their first kiss, but then Doogie gets a text: she has to go to the hospital right away.

Scene 12:  Doogie rushes into the hospital, but it's too late.  Dr. Lee explains that the Hippie went into V-Fib Arrest. "We worked on him for an hour, but couldn't save him."  Did they call Doogie at the end of the hour, or did it take her an hour to get to the hospital?

Mom comes in and gives her a heart to heart about the first time she lost a patient: a family man who had been cooking dinner with his wife an hour before.  Dead husband instead of the cliche dead wife?

Montage of Doogie being depressed at breakfast and at the hospital, then getting comforted by her dad and Walter, while a sad song plays.  It keeps going on forever.

Beefcake: Lots.

Gay Characters:  Charles is "openly gay," according actor Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman, a former judge on Canada's Drag Race.  But being a minor character, I doubt that he will do any dating.

I'm not sure about Kai.  The utter lack of interest in girls (going to the dance with boys is "more fun") sounds indicative of gay identity, but more likely we have the standard sitcom trope of an unrequired love that turns requited in Season 3 (examples that come to mind: Joannie and Chachi on Happy Days, Niles and Daphne on Frasier,  Urkel and Laura on Family Matters, Thelma and the Reverend on Amen).

Kamealoha:  Interesting fusion of the two Hawaiian words that almost everyone knows: Kamehameha and "aloha"

Medicine:  I hate medical dramas.  I don't want to hear about blocked arteries and V-Fib Arrests for entertainment.

Will I Keep Watching: Not unless Kai turns out to be canonically gay.

See also:  Doogie Kamealoha MD: Is Kai Gay? Update.

Snakes on a Plane: Not Enough Buddy Bonding

Yes, I've seen Snakes on a Plane (2006), the heavily hyped, endlessly joked about vehicle for Samuel L. Jackson to say "I have had it with these  m___f___ snakes on this m___f___ plane!" 

Can't argue with that.

Snakes is actually not bad. It harkens back to the 1970s disaster movies like The Towering Inferno, and their parody in Airplane:  a disparate group of rich snobs, working-class stiffs, jive-talking black men, nuns, kids, dogs, and miscellaneous are trapped somewhere awful, and try to survive.

In this case, the slacker/surfer Sean (Nathan Phillips, left) is the witness to a murder that will bring down gangster Eddie Kim (Byron Lawson, below), and FBI agent Neville Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson) is assigned to protect him en route from Hawaii to Los Angeles to testify. 

Eddie, naturally, wants to kill him.  So comes up with the bright idea of filling the plane with hundreds of poisonous snakes, and pumping them with pheromones so they'll be extra aggressive. 

Like, how about shooting him?  Or pumping the snakes into his hotel room the night before the flight?

Enter a luxurious three-level airplane with a winding staircase. The staff consists of two 1970s-sex kitten flight attendants; a gay-male flight attendant; their supervisor on one last run before retiring (gulp); a 1970s sexist horndog pilot; and a married pilot anxious to get home to his wife and kdis.

The passengers are likewise escapees from the 1970s:
1. The pretentious "Do you know who I am?" jerk.
2. The ingenue with a dog in her purse.
3. The fat lady.
4. The guy afraid of flying.
5. The two kids flying alone for the first time.

6. Three G's (left), a famous rapper with only female fans, and his jive-talking entourage.
7. The Hispanic woman with a baby in her arms.
8. The blond prettyboy (Taylor Kitsch, below) and the blond sexpot, who want to join the mile high club.
9. The kung fu fighter who you expect to be karate chopping snakes, but he doesn't.

About halfway through the flight, the snakes come out and start picking them off, one by one.  There are lots of gross scenes and some shockers.  Both pilots get snake-bit.  The honor of landing the plane goes to Troy (Keenan Thompson), who has only flown planes in video games.

Meanwhile on land, FBI Agent Harris (Bobby Cannavale), who watches porn and talks about his wife, find a snake expert (Todd Louiso) who tries to track down antitoxins for the various snakes.

I rather liked the horror aspects, the self-referential jokes, and the 1970s feel.  All you needed were Hare Krishnas chanting in the airport.   I rather wish that Sean the slacker/ surfer had done something heroic to redeem himself, but he was mostly stuck with "stay back here where it's safe).

But what I couldn't abide was the intense, endless heterosexism. 

1. Every establishing shot shows a pulchritudinous woman or two walking by.
2. There are tons of sleazy hetero-sex jokes.
3. Both Sean and Neville hook up with stewardesses and smooch.
4. The flight attendant who everyone thought was gay smooches his girlfriend.

At least there's no dead wife in Neville's background.  Or maybe there is, and I missed that part.

Beefcake:  Sean takes off his shirt once or twice, the prettyboy is nearly naked before getting eaten, and a guy is bitten on the penis.

Gay References:  The flight attendant who everyone thinks is gay is not particularly swishy,but he's awfully interested in men, and he offers to suck the venom out of a guy who was bitten on the butt.  Is that a gay reference?

The movie ends with Sean taking Neville on a surfing vacation in Tahiti, but there was practically no buddy-bonding before, so the "fade into the sunset together" seems tacked-on and unbelievable.

My verdict:
Character development: 3
The gay subtext: 3
Beefcake: 2
Heterosexism: 8
The snakes: 10

The Beefcake Bonanza of Hula Boy Memorabilia

The hula is a traditional Hawaiian interpretive dance accompanied by music.  Although practiced for hundreds of years, it did not become widely known outside Hawaii until the Tiki Craze of the mid-20th century brought various aspects of Polynesian culture to restaurants, bars, and game rooms across the U.S.

Men and women both performed, and not in grass skirts -- women wore pa'us, and men malo loincloths.

You can find a lot of hula boy memorabilia in antique shops and on ebay.  You may have to buy boy and girl figurines and throw out the girl, or endure the sappy heterosexist "He's looking for a hula girl," but you can get some nice retro Hawaiian beefcake.







A very muscular figure in a beige grass skirt.

Car bobbler with the same face as the above figure, but different hair.  A skirt of real fibers and a ukelele.

A rare ceramic figure from the 1950s.  Not exactly hula, but he has a ukelele and a flower lei.














This hot cartoonish Hawaiian guy is decked out like Father Christmas.  He's actually on wall paper; his "hula girl" is on the next panel.

More after the break.

The Beefcake Bonanza of Surfing Ads, Logos, Decals, and Miscellanea

If you're a collector of beefcake art, check out surfing miscellanea: decals, logos, posters, and ads, meant to be thrown away after use, and so quite rare today.  You can get some surfing history and culture along with the muscular guys.

This is a parking sticker attesting membership in the San Onofre Surfing Club.  (San Onofre is a state park about 80 miles south of West Hollywood.)









Distressed wooden surfboards frame the decal for the North Shore Longboard Club in Oahu, Hawaii.

A wooden plaque advertising the North Shore of Hawaii.

Waikiki Beach, south of Honolulu, where the Hawaiian royalty surfed on longboards.  This plaque shows three hot guys and a surfing dog wearing a lei.

La Côte des Basques is a beach in Biarritz, in the Basque country of southern France.  La Côte Basque was a famous restaurant in New York City.

More after the break.