"Roswell, New Mexico": At Least the Gay Guys Kiss

The poster of the new tv series Roswell, New Mexico shows a man and a woman in a heterosexual embrace, and the promo shows four hetero lip-locks!

I'd be noping out of the room, but I heard that there was a gay male relationship, as rare as hen's teeth on tv, so I stuck it out, watching one episode and fast-forwarding through the rest, looking for gay romance.

The story involves three alien children who survived the spaceship crash at Roswell in 1947, were in stasis pods until 1997, and then emerged in the shape of human 7-year olds.  They had various traumatic experiences in high school (2004-2008), revealed in flashback:

1. Max (Nathan Parsons) killed a man who was attacking his sister.  The trio buried the body, and kept the awful secret.

2. Isobel (Lily Cowles) started a romance with Rosa, then for no apparent reason killed her and two other girls.  The trio made it it look like a car accident.

3. Michael (Michael Vlamis) started a romance with Alex (Tyler Blackburn), but Alex's homophobic father Jesse caught them together and attacked.  Jesse was not only homophobic but alienophobic, involved with a top-secret government alien-hunting project.

After high school the trio apparently just sat around for 10 years, waiting for the plot to start up again.

It starts when their high school classmate Liz Ortega (Jeanine Mason), a failed biochemist and Rosa's sister, returns to town.  She learns the truth about the aliens, and starts sniffing around about Rosa's death.

She starts dating Kyle (Michael Trevino), her high school boyfriend, who is investigating aliens on his own.

At that moment, Wyatt (Dylan McTee), whose sister died in the "crash" with Rosa, decides to start killing people, either in revenge or to keep them quiet about a secret of his own.

Oh, you're wondering about the three aliens:

1. Max, now the town deputy sheriff, starts dating his coworker Jenna.

2. Isobel is now "happily married" to Noah (Karam Oberoi), who unbeknownst to her, is also a survivor of the spaceship crash.  He lived for many years in Isobel's body (why she was dating Rosa -- it was all entirely heterosexual!).  Then he took over a male body (top photo).  Nice choice!

3. Michael, now a drifter, reunites with Alex, who discovers the truth and breaks up with him for his own protection.  Not dissuaded, Michael starts a relationship with Maria.  Then Alex returns and wants to be "friends."

Gulp.

 Well, maybe they will end up together in the next season.  If there is one.  The reviewers are panning the series for being derivative, convoluted, and silly, and for skimming over the interesting parallels:
Homophobia and alienophobia.
The government tracking down both spaceship aliens and undocumented aliens.

Beefcake: Not a lot.  Occasionally a guy will rip his shirt off.

Heterosexism:  Between two and four scenes of men and women kissing or having sex with each other per episode.  But at least Michael and Alex get a scene together in most episodes, too.

The Beefcake of Truth or Consequences

The game show Truth or Consequences (radio 1940-1957, tv 1950-1974, plus two revivals) had nothing to do with telling the truth or lying.  You had to answer an impossibly difficult trivia question.  Most contestants couldn't, and had to face the consequences: sing, mimic milking a cow, get dunked in a water tank. 

In the spring of 1950, radio host Ralph Edwards offered to broadcast the show from  any town that would change its name to Truth or Consequences.  The small town of Hot Springs, New Mexico did, figuring that the unusual name would be a big tourist draw.

Tourists did come, but not necesarily for the game show connection, which soon faded into obscurity.  They came for the unusual name (called TorC by the locals).  If you're on the I-35 between Albuquerque and El Paso, what's the harm in stopping in?

You'll find a neat, tidy little desert town on the Rio Grande (where it's not all that grande),with several medicinal hot springs (the Indian Hot Springs Bath House is not what you think).

 The main street, optimistically named Broadway, is lined with unexpected shops, like Rio Bravo Fine Arts Inc., Black Cat Books and Coffee, Koala Tea.  Also what you would expect in the Southwest: The Firewater Lodge, Blake's Lottaburger (which I've only seen in Indian country).

Me Gusta World Street Food is an optimistically named taco truck with a picnic table out back.

The Historic District is a little farther south, between Main and Van Patten, with dozens of colorful historic buildings and murals.

No colleges, one middle school (Truth or Consequences), one high school (Hot Springs).  The only sport they offer is basketball, and there's only one photo.

I should have looked into that before researching the town.

Oh, well, truth or consequences.  Here's a swim team from Albuquerque.

A wrestler from Los Alamos.

And a bodybuilder from...well, who cares?

The Beefcake of the Phantom Zone: Moriarty, New Mexico

Who's going to name a  town Moriarty, after the evil criminal mastermind in the Sherlock Holmes mythos?  It's like naming a town Lex Luthorville.  Do residents walk around twirling their moustaches and doing mwah-hah-hah laughs?

Turns out that Arthur Conan Doyle didn't invent them name -- there aren't a lot of Moriartys around, but there are some, like bodybuilder Steve Moriarty, actor Michael Moriarty, and the founder of this small town in New Mexico, Michael Timothy Moriarty.

I thought it was an Old French derivative of "death": mortis, morir, mourir, muerto, but it's actually from the Irish name Ó Muircheartaigh, "Seaworthy."

Still sounds like death.

 Moriarty, New Mexico is literally in the middle of nowhere: an hour or more in any direction from the nearest town (Alburquerque is only 40 miles away, but you have to cross a mountain range to get there).

Once you get to Moriarty, you're as trapped as General Zod in the Phantom Zone, so you might as well make the best of it.

Restaurants:  Shorty's Barbecue, Double C Diner, Wild West Barbecue, Lisa's Grill, Arby's.

Dig the Christian fish on the wall at Shorty's.  I'm guessing it's not gay-friendly.

Bookstores: None.

Churches: Crossroads Bible Fellowship, Upper Room Ministries, Baptist, Nazarene, Victory Faith, Harvest Family Fellowship, and Catholic.

Museums: DWI Museum of Perpetual Tears (sounds festive), Lewis Antique Auto and Toy Museum, Southwest Soaring Museum

Annual Events: A Pinto Bean Fiesta, the Heritage Rodeo, Pinto Pride (which has nothing to do with LGBT people).

Other: Fireworks stores, liquor stores, a flea market.

In other words, Amazon, online porn, and Netflix.

The only theater in town is at the high school.  Drama Club seems to be 90% girls, so if you're a boy, you're practically guaranteed a leading role.

Unfortunately, your costume may be a little less than flattering.

There's also a Gay-Straight Alliance, surprisingly, plus a Rodeo Club, an Anime Club, and a club called We the People.

The athletics page doesn't reveal what sports Moriarty High offers, or even the name of the team.  It just says vague things like "Moriarty High is proud to offer a variety of sports."

So I googled "Moriarty swimming," "Moriarty powerlifting," and so on, and came up with Travis Moriarty.

And Erin Moriarty, seen here with her costar in a 2013 movie.

But no beefcake pictures of Moriarty athletes.  Here's the closest I could get: the backs of skinny guys doing wall push-ups.

That's life in the Phantom Zone.

Roswell: Aliens and Beefcake

Most people think of Roswell only as the site of the alleged 1947 flying saucer crash. 

Actually, the town seems rather embarrassed by the paranormal enthusiasts. It doesn't try to capitalize on aliens -- no logos, no statues, no tie-in businesses (I guess you could call Stellar Coffee a tie-in).   The International UFO Museum is small and cramped, with boring exhibits (mostly texts) and pictures and statues of standard gray aliens.

The only nod to aliens is the UFO Festival every July, with 38,000 people drawn from 43 states, 16 countries, and dozens of solar systems.  The 2018 festival will feature an Alien Chase 5K, a costume contest, a car show, and a lecture by Travis Walton, whose abduction inspired the movie Fire in the Sky.

Roswell hopes to draw tourists with it rich non-alien history and culture.  The Roswell Museum and Art Center, founded in 1937, features southwestern and Native American artists.  It's only nine blocks north of the UFO Museum, and a better way to spend an hour.

Also only two blocks south of the New Mexico Military Institute, a combined high school/ junior college that draws students from 43 states. 

They have Open House events on Saturdays, and the McBride Museum and the athletic matches are open to the public.  Or you can call the Admissions Office for a tour.  Tell them you're writing an article on Roswell.

The Anderson Museum of Contemporary Art, three blocks eat of the New Mexico Military Institute, is a bright, airy space devoted to the work of local artists. 

There are also three high schools and Eastern New Mexico University, with the standard wrestling and swimming events, and several gyms.

Come for the aliens, stay for the beefcake.

Cruising in New Mexico: The Twink, the Redneck, or the Gordito?

New Mexico, Summer 2004

Remember my trip to visit Larry in Santa Fe, New Mexico, in the summer of 2004? After four deplorable days, we had a gigantic argument, and I packed up my stuff and drove away, never to speak to or hear from Larry again.

During the next three days, I met three guys, and hooked up with one.  You have to guess which.

Hint: I hate losing friends, so I was quite upset, and not following my usual rules about public cruising or hooking up with complete strangers.

Day #1:  The Tucumcari Twink 

Tucumcari, an iconic town on Route 66!  The stuff of James Dean, Sal Paradise, Peter Fonda in search of America!

I arrived just before noon, had lunch  at the Pow Wow Restaurant, and explored.  Very run down, a lot of vacant lots and boarded-up buildings, old hotels with faded signs, a thrift store, a Chinese buffet, a boarded-up theater.  A community college, a single low adobe building.  I didn't see a downtown; there was no there there.

I stopped in Tee Pee Curios, a tee-pee shaped store that sold Route 66 merchandise: t-shirts, books, Stuckey's candy (whatever that was), license plates that read "Bad Girl" or "Billy the Kid," right-wing patriotic slogans, religious slogans.  Whatever.

But...the guy behind the counter was remarkable: in his 20s, thick brown hair, handsome face, tight muscular frame barely hidden beneath an orange t-shirt.  He was reading a Harry Potter book.  I approached.

"You must hear about Route 66 so much you get darn sick of it."

I'll bet he never heard that from a tourist before.  He looked up with a big smile.  "You have no idea, sir!  Route 66 this, Route 66 that.  We've had an interstate through here since the 1970s.  Get with the 21st century!"

"Like Harry Potter?"

Embarrassed at reading a "kid's book," he tried to hide it.

"Oh, I'm a big fan.  I especially like how Harry and Ron are so devoted to each other, like a romantic couple."

"Hm...you know, I never really thought about it, but maybe you're right."

"Fan fiction is loaded with Harry-Ron shipping."

Day #2: The Roswell Redneck

The town made famous by the 1947 UFO crash was about three hours south of Tucumcari.  I was surprised by the contrast: a beautiful, vibrant downtown with trees and green spaces.  Restaurants, shops.  A used bookstore.  Mexican restaurant for lunch.

The Museum and Art Center, with an excellent selection of Southwestern Art.

Around 4:00 pm, I visited the International UFO Museum. As a long time devotee of the UFO phenomenon, I didn't see much that I hadn't seen a hundred times before.

There were only a few tourists.  Later I discovered that a big UFO festival had just ended, so all of the true believers were gone, leaving a nuclear family, a teenage boy and girl holding hands, and a guy by himself, looking at an exhibit with some very muscular classic grey aliens.

"Who knew that aliens worked so hard on their delts?" I asked.

He laughed.  "And their abs."  He was his 30s, shorter than me, round face, a little beard, solidly built with respectable biceps and a smooth chest visible beneath his half-unbuttoned short-sleeved shirt.

"Maybe there's a Gold's Gym in outer space."

"They've got to do something to pass the time., what with no willies and all."

"I'd think I'd rather have a willy.  Especially on Saturday night," I added suggestively.  This was definitely a cruising conversation!

"This is Sunday," he pointed out.

"Even worse.  Sunday night is the loneliest night of the week."  That came out a little more depressed than I intended.

"I hear you, buddy.  You traveling by yourself?"

"I was visiting my friend in Santa Fe, but we kind of had an argument."

"Well, maybe it's time for you to make some new friends."

Day #3: The Alamogordo Gordito

Around 11:00 am, I arrived at Alamogordo, a "big city" of 30,000, including the nearby air force base.  An old army town with broad streets and low mountains in the distance.

I went to the New Mexico Museum of Space History, stopped for lunch at the Country Kitchen, and then headed out to the White Sands National Monument, a vast sea of sand dunes with nature trails for hiking.

And, apparently, cruising.

I was staring at a multicolored snake, wishing I was back in nice, safe Wilton Manors, when a tall, husky older guy approached (top photo).

"He's harmless -- as long as you don't get too close."

"Don't worry, I have no intention of saying hello."  I turned -- he had a flat clean-shaven face, a little double chin, a barrel chest and thick biceps.  Hair was peeking up over his t-shirt.

"Pretty cool, huh?  I've been hiking all over the state, but this is my favorite trail.  Near dusk you can see bobcats and coyotes."

"I just hope they've had dinner before they see me."

"It's all about the adventure, isn't it?  I'm retired Air Force, enjoying life and trying out new things.  Meeting new people, too."  He held out his hand to be shaken.

Day #4

On to Albuquerque!  I was feeling better, having seen some interesting sites, met three guys, and spent the night with one.

Can you figure out which?

a. The Tucumcari Twink
b. The Roswell Redneck
c. The Alamogordo Gordito

Answer, along with the uncensored photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood.

Cruising in the Navajo Nation

I grew up around Native Americans, at the annual pow wow and through visiting relatives (my Cousin Joe is half Potawatomie).  But I was never with a Native American guy, through all my years in college and in West Hollywood, except for the Inuit that Lane and I hooked up with.

When I visited Larry in New Mexico in 2004, I was determined to find a Native American guy.

Cruising in Santa Fe proved fruitless -- well, I brought home a cute college boy, but he was Anglo.

Albuquerque and Taos, the same.  Lots of Hispanic guys, but not a lot of Native Americans.

So I decided to go to the heartland -- the Navajo Nation.




The full story, with nude photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood.