Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Pontius has four d*cks, and Kelvin is scared. With Hamlet, some German dudes, and Casper the Friendly Ghost

  

 Link to the n*de dudes

Title: "He Goeth Before You Into Galilee."  Matthew 28.7 Mary Magdalene and the other Mary see that the tomb of Jesus is empty.  An angel tells them to tell the disciples that he has risen from the dead, and "he goeth before you into Galilee."  

Welcome to Galilee Gulch.  Baby Billy water-skiing n*de, nice shots of his front and back, which made some viewers angry: "Nobody likes looking at that!  Why can't we see Amber's stuff instead?  Every man on Earth, without exceptions, wants to see Amber n*de." Ever hear of gay men, guys?

Then the Gemstones and Milsaps arrive at Galilee Gulch, a huge "lake house" on Lake Marion, about an hour north of Charleston.  Coincidentally, the house where they filmed is owned by a gay couple.

Pontius complains;  Gideon tells him to not disrespect the lake house, and makes him carry a bag.  He says "Get a life, you dork!"  Abraham agrees: "Such a little a*-kiss."  Abraham has like two lines this season, both about backsides.  Got something on your mind, Buddy?

Some cute attendants, who aren't in the cast list, take care of the wheelchair-using BJ, who complains that the whole place is inaccessible.  He'll be constantly complaining about everything through the episode.

Keefe wants to go waterskiing n*aked, like Uncle Baby Billy, but Kelvin doesn't want to hang dong with his uncle.  Then he forces Keefe to carry the gigantic trunk full of shoes into the house.  That's no way to treat your partner, buddy.  At least he calls Keefe "Sweetheart."

The Breakup Plan: Uncle Baby Billy disapproves of the Eli-Lori relationship -- we aren't told why, but maybe he knows something from Lori's past -- and pushes the siblings into a plan to break them up. The siblings point out that they arranged this weekend retreat because the lake house is full of Aimee-Leigh's things, and will certainly cause Eli to feel guilty about "abandoning Mama." Maybe they can push things along.

They tell the staff to leave Aimee-Leigh's clothes in Eli's bedroom closet.  Angry, he calls "the help" and has them moved to Kelvin and Keefe's room.

Kelvin is pretending to read the complete works of William Shakespeare.  Another clue that we're in the middle of Hamlet.

To refresh your memory: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, uses a "play within a play" to discover that his mother and uncle, Gertrude and Claudius, murdered his father the King so they could take the throne.  He kills his trusted advisor; his girlfriend commits suicide; Gertrude is poisoned; he kills Claudius, then dies himself.  "The rest is silence."  

The New Nanny: Baby Billy is being nasty to his wife and children ("Get them out of here!"), and expresses his hatred for the butch Germanic nanny, Sola (Kirsten Schultze).  So why not fire her?

Gideon is Gay:  Friday dinner. Kelvin, Keefe, Abraham, and BJ are playing blackjack, the others sitting around a kitchen island.  Jesse gets jealous because Gideon is sitting next to Eli, and they shared a joke. 

 Jesse is treating Gideon as a romantic partner who is cheating on him.  That is not really happening, of course, but it is heavily implied that Gideon is gay.  Pontius and Abraham get some queer codes, too.  It's starting to look like Jesse has three gay sons.

Corey apologizes for his reaction to Eli/Lori, and brings in 100 pounds of barbecued pork.  

Jesse's Breakup Plan: After dinner, Keefe goes swimming (distant beefcake shot), and the others hang out or play cornhole.  Corey thinks that Eli is good for his Mama, better than Big D*ck Mitch at the Benz dealership, who she used to date, or is still dating -- he's not sure.  

Jesse can use this!  He rushes over to Eli and Lori and brings up Big D*ck Mitch in "casual conversation."  Eli gets upset and storms out.

Later, in the bedroom, Lori claims that she doesn't know where Jesse got that idea.  She only dated Mitch twice; they had no chemistry.  Then how does Corey know about the size of his d*ick?  They discuss whether to keep it casual, allow dating other people, or "go steady."  Go steady it is. 

Dress-Me-Ups: In the bedroom, Kelvin shoves the rack of Aimee-Leigh's clothes into the bathroom, then joins Keefe to cuddle on the bed.   

Dig the matching pajamas, except Kelvin's have legs, and Keefe's end above the knee, so you can get to his crotch more easily.

Keefe is reading an obscure comic book called The Zero Patrol, from 1984. Only two issues were published.  The hero is telling someone named Dedalus that "The Princess is still mine."  Daedalus was Keefe's Satanist friend in Season 1; maybe we're looking at Keefe's attempt to protect Kelvin from the Darkness.  Or maybe the prop master just grabbed something that had a muscleman on the cover and wasn't Marvel or DC.

He sets the comic aside so they can watch Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), the scene where psycho-killer Jason is shown worshipping the mummified head of his dead mother.  A parallel to the siblings' worship of Aimee-Leigh.  Kelvin gets scared and buries his head into Keefe's crotch (dude, are you scared or flirty?), but Keefe assures him that "she's just doing dress-me-ups." 

The movie also has a parallel to the Gemstones in the character Mark Jarvis (Tom McBride, top photo, no relation to Danny McBride), who uses a wheelchair.  The actor was gay in real life, and did some n*de modeling during the 1980s.  He died of AIDS in 1995.

Jesse thrusts: Down in the rec room, Amber is happy to see Gideon interacting with his brothers, and Jesse again gets jealous. Dude, he's just not into you anymore.  Time to move on. 

Complaining about Eli/Lori,, Jesse asks if Amber would mind if he started dating one of her close friends after she died.  He describes the act in lurid detail, thrusting aggressively as he imagines his father doing it.

Like a Hallmark Movie:  Saturday morning.  The Nanny practices her kung-fu. Baby Billy berates her again.

Cut to a montage of everyone water-skiing, while BJ looks on, angry.

Later, the siblings discuss Eli/Lori again.  Amber thinks it's like a Hallmark movie: two old friends fall in love.  Jesse insults her knowledge of movies.  

So far Jesse, Judy, Baby Billy, and Corey have berated and yelled at their partners.  These relationships are doomed.

Kelvin's Breakup Plan: The family gathers for a performance.  Keefe is waving at the stage with a toy dinosaur. a shot that appeared in the trailer and made fans think he and Kelvin had kids. No, he's waving at Kelvin. Why is a 40-year old man holding a toy dinosaur?

In a parallel to the play "wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king" in Hamlet, the siblings sing -- badly -- about how Mama is in the house, judging everyone, disapproving of the "betrayal." Eli storms off. Feeling guilty, Claudius?

More after the break

    

Judy's Breakup Plan:  Jesse and Kelvin have failed in their attempts to break up Eli and Lori, so Judy decides to use her "super power": the ability to incite the er*otic interest of anyone, anytime.  She goes to Lori's room and tries to get with her.  Lori just stands there.

I didn't want to illustrate the scene with pics of Lori and Judy, so I put a n*de photo of a daddy by the pool on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Next she offers Lori $500,000 to get gone. "If I was in it for the money, why wouldn't I stick around for a lot more?"  

Ok, so Judy orders her to break up with Eli, or she'll claim that Lori tried to r*ape her.  Lori glares at her. "Are we done?" 

Takeaway: Judy wouldn't know that her technique works on women unless she's tried it out.  Add her to the ever-growing list of bi/pan Gemstones. 

Keefe in Drag: Saturday night.  In bed, Kelvin is distraught over the continuance of the Eli/Lori romance.  Keefe asks if he can do anything to help: "Not unless you can bring my dead Mama back to life." The episode title is about Jesus rising from the dead, and the siblings worship their Mama, so...

Keefe decides on the next best thing:  dress-up.  He puts on one of Aimee-Leigh's dresses, her wig, her glasses, and some makeup (wait -- where did he get makeup?),  goes to Eli's room, and tries to haunt him: "I'm the ghost of your dead wife. Break up with Lori."  

Eli doesn't respond, so Keefe crawls on top of him and starts singing Aimee-Leigh's signature song, "Misbehavin'"

 

Suddenly Eli and Lori awaken; everyone screams.  Keefe rushes out and falls down the staircase into the parlor whereupon the Nanny, thinking that he is an intruder, pulverizes him.  

"Who are you?" she shouts.

"I'm just a ghost -- a friendly ghost."

First he consorted with Hot Stuff, the Little Devil, and now he's Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Everyone rushes downstairs to see what's going on.

Pontius is wearing a shirt with four gigantic p*enises on it.  From the way he is standing, it looks like there are lady parts, too, but those are te*sticles.

Check out the full shirt.  Pontius, who had a girlfriend last season, likes men, too.  

Add Pontius to the list of bi/pan Gemstones. Hopefully he'll make a more undeniable reference before the end of the series.

Keefe hides behind the siblings as Eli yells "What kind of prank is this?  You ruined what could have been a perfect weekend."

Kelvin counters that he ruined it by turning his back on Aimee-Leigh.

Jesse admits that they invited him to the lake house to trick him into breaking up with Lori: "If you weren't so busy trying to insert yourself into my son's life, you'd have figured that out. Stop trying to insert yourself into my son!"  Yet another double-entendre implying a relationship between Eli and Gideon.  

Pontius smirks and nudges Gideon, knowing full well that he is gay, so other guys have "inserted themselves into him."

The Family Photo:  Early Sunday morning, Eli gazes out onto the lake and gets a vision of Aimee-Leigh boating with his children, a memory of happier days. She waves; he turns his back on her a second time, and heads into the house.

Later, the Milsaps and the Freemans are ready to leave, so everyone gathers for a family photo (except Eli and Lori, who aren't up yet, or maybe they're hiding until the siblings leave).  Baby Billy berates the Nanny again -- she's not family, so she can't be in the photo.  

BJ is upset because he was hidden behind Keefe.

Next the Gemstones go up to breakfast.  Don't they have a church to lead services at?  

They discuss the incidents of the weekend and how angry Eli is.  BJ points out that he has a right to be mad, since the whole trip was a ruse.  

They decide to apologize, and fist bump. "Just the siblings, not the spouses," Jesse cautions.  At least Keefe is finally recognized as Kelvin's spouse.

Eli Comes:  The siblings rush upstairs, and burst into the bedroom -- without knocking?  -- where Eli and Lori are doing stuff!  I was not aware that heterosexuals engage in that activity.  Eli screams, but Lori serenely says "Hey."  

Lori's reaction is very strange, not at all what you would expect from someone has just been interrupted in an intimate moment -- by her boyfriend's children!  It's as if she's gloating over her victory.

Downstairs, the siblings scream that they have been traumatized by the sight of their father in that position. Well, don't burst into his bedroom.  Eli follows to explain (again) that he hasn't forgotten about Aimee-Leigh, as he picks a hair out of his teeth, and, as Judy points out, a suspicious liquid is leaking out and wetting his pants.   They scream,  and then simultaneously yell "F*ck!"  The end.

My Analysis: This was a lightweight, enjoyable episode, the calm before the storm, like Episode 3.3 (Cousin's Night), with only a few hints of the trouble ahead.  Lori continues to be set up as the primary antagonist, but what could her goal be, if it's not the Gemstone money?  Something is definitely off with Corey and the way he treats his wife.

Bonus: Sean Ryan Fox is listed on the IMDB as Young Corey, but does not appear in the episode.  He is best known as Jasper, the goofy friend of superhero apprentice Henry (Jace Norman) on the teencom Henry Danger (2014-20),  He has posted some grown-up d*ck photos (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends). 

Next: Gemstones Episode 4.5: The dirt on Vance, Big D*ck Mitch, Lori, and Teen Jesus.  With Gossip Girl's Dad and a Queen's d*ck

See also: Splitting Adam: Tony Cavalero helps Jace Norman win the Girl of HIs Dreams.  Includes the c*ock of a grown-up Jace

Richie Rich joins a gym.  With Rory and Kieran c*ocks, and Kelvin Gemstone comics.  Mentions Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Kelton's nu*de photos, with Gavin, Jak, and a bonus fratboy.  In case you haven't seen his c*ock for a while.

"My Three Gay Sons and...ugh...Vance Simkins": A Jesse Gemstone Adventure, with Guest Star Karl Montgomery