The ten best "Righteous Gemstone" episodes, from "Wicked Lips" to the Season 4 Interlude. Plus the ten worst "WTF?" episodes.

  

Link to the NSFW version

The 36 episodes of the Righteous Gemstones are a mixed bag.  Some are marvels of cinematic craftsmanship, tightly plotted, exciting, rewarding a careful investigation of props and background songs, and loaded down with queer codeds.   Others are, to use the scholarly term, crap, with horrendous plot holes, terrible pacing, misleading props and background songs. and just a few queer crumbs -- if not outright queerbaiting. 

The Ten Best Episodes

1.4, "Wicked Lips."  Scotty and Gideon go on a date, and discuss their bedroom activity later. Keefe hasn't thought of Kelvin as a potential boyfriend yet, so he looks for love in a sports bar, and then encounters his old Satanist friends.  Plus Semen Load Guy (left).

1.7, "And Yet One of You is a Devil."  Scotty and Gideon break up, and each tries to pretend that it was just a fling, not true love.  But it doesn't work: Scotty kidnaps his ex-boyfriend and his father, forces them to open the church vault, and cries "You made your choice, and broke my heart" before driving off into oblivion.  Not to worry, Aimee-Leigh brings Scotty back to his true love.

1.9: "Better is the End of the Thing than the Beginning"  After breaking up with Keefe, Kelvin nearly comes out, but decides he's probably the Messiah instead. Keefe returns to the Satanists, and does a performance art piece where he is immersed in a tub of jizz.  Kelvin comes rushing to the rescue. And we see Keefe's d*ck (again).

2.1, "I Speak in the Tongues of Men and Angels."  Who knew that the world-famous televangelist Eli Gemstone started his career as a loan enforcer, breaking thumbs, along with his boyfriend Junior?  And Kelvin becomes the Messiah of Muscle, with a cadre of musclemen lifting weights and frolicking in his front yard.

     2.6: "Never Avenge Yourself, but Leave It to the Wrath of God."  Keefe and Kelvin do bedroom stuff, but fans argued that he was just helping him on with his underwear, leading to extensive conversations about how professionals help invalids get dressed (hint: you don't kneel in front of them).  The God Squad takes over the mansion, forcing Kelvin to become their maid and Keefe to become their s*x slave.  And Eli breaks up with Junior, who runs off broken-hearted (and fans argued that they were just friends!).

2.9: "I Will Tell of All Your Deeds"  The mysteries are all resolved in a way that makes sense, Eli and Junior reconcile, Junior gets a new boyfriend, and Keefe is admitted to the family as Kelvin's partner.  Plus the song "Some Broken Hearts Never Mend" has us all in tears.

3.3: "For Their N*kedness is Your N*kedness."  Kelvin almost calls Keefe his "boyfriend."  Keefe performs a highly erotic fire dance at Cousin's Night.  Afterwards they're shown on their way home for "hot s*x."  Plus Robert Oberst, a Norwegian Fire Viking, and a Balkan s*x god.

3.5: "Interlude 3."  Kelvin is obviously gay, we see Braxton Alexander's bare backside, and Uncle Peter has a beautifully-staged decline and fall.

 4.4.: "He Goeth Before You into Galilee."  At the Lake House, the siblings try various pranks to make their dad Elijah break up with his new girlfriend.  A pleasant, rather fluffy episode.  Plus we see Keefe in drag and a lot of male Gemstones in swimsuits, and Pontius is identified as gay or bi. The only plot problem: when Eli and Lori don't come down for breakfast, the siblings burst into their bedroom, and catch them in the act.  Who would do that? 

4.5: "Interlude IV." The night that the Golden Bible was stolen.  Plus Kelvin as an obviously gay teen idol fan, an effervescent Young Corey, and Young Jesse in his underwear.  I like how Jesse accidentally drinks the intruder's urine, a callback to Keefe's worry about the devil's urine earlier.

Worst episodes after the break

The Ten Worst Episodes

1.2: "Is This the Man Who Made the Earth Tremble?"  Scotty has a girlfriend here, but afterwards it's always been just him and Gideon planning their honeymoon in Thailand.  They have a ludicrous fight. And they keep pretending that the audience doesn't realize that Gideon is Jesse's estranged son.

2.2: "After I Leave, Savage Wolves will Come."  After he was presented as Eli's former lover in Episode 2.1, the writers get cold feet and give Junior some straight codes -- but then he acts all femme, and the guys hold hands.  Choose an identity and stick with it!  Then there's a boring section with Jesse and his Amber trying to woo a flamboyant Texan televangelist, and Joe Jonas drops by for no reason.

 2.7: "And Infants Will Rule Over Them" .  After Kelvin's downfall as the Messiah of Muscle, the God Squad keeps Keefe prisoner in a tiger cage for them to use as a s*x slave.  Meanwhile, we see two church services.  Does Kelvin really leave him there, in the hot sun, for ten days?  When he finally gets around to springing Keefe, he treats him like an unwelcome intrusion, not like a boyfriend (in spite of the hand-holding).  But the worst scene: the siblings visit their dad Eli, who is in a coma, and then go outside and throw up.  All of them. What kind of stupid (and disgusting) reaction is this?  

3.4: "I am Come Not to Bring Peace but a Sword."  Kelvin lets Keefe take the fall for the rumors that are not defined: the church staff says one thing, and church members something else.  Then they break up without saying that they're breaking up, and there's a white slap for no reason.  At least we see the guys holding hands (under the table), and get a glimpse of Pontius' backside.

3.7: "Burn for Burn, Stripe for Stripe."  The siblings are kidnapped for one day or several weeks, depending on what plot point you believe.  Keefe teases BDSM interest that never materializes, there's a voodoo tease that never materializes, and BOTH the other partners and Kelvin himself state explicitly that Keefe is just a friend.  WTF?  

3.9: "Wonders that Cannot be Fathomed, Miracles that Cannot be Counted.  Peter steals a truckload of explosives to do something, then it blows up, and a few hours later he has somehow managed to steal a second truckload of explosives.  Then a swarm of locusts somehow flies through a small doorway and into the tv studio during a filming of Bible Bonkers.  Presumably God sent them, but for what purpose?  Plus the militia wants to "protest people who protest monuments."  They mean Confederate monuments, but the writers are too spineless to admit that racism exists in the South.

 4.1: "Prelude": Gemstone ancestor Elijah is a scoundrel roped into becoming a chaplain during the Civil War.  By itself, it's a competent short film, but for fans who had been waiting two years to see the Gemstones, it was a major disappointment.  Plus so many characters are introduced and then killed that I have no interest in watching again.

4.2:  "You Hurled Me into the Depths, into the Very Heart of the Sea."  When we finally get to the Gemstones, they're hosting a weird telethon without saying what it's for. In universe, it's only been a few months since the last season, but Eli has devolved into a ridiculous long-haired horndog. Kelvin treats Keefe  like his personal slave. A prayer pod plotline vanishes instantly.  Gideon holds a "prayer meeting" that is actually an intricate, theology heavy classroom presentation.  And the siblings fly with jetpacks: Jesse rises higher and higher, making us believe that he's going to ram into disco ball and hurt himself, but nothing comes of it.  There are queer codes involving both Gideon and Pontius, but this was still a disappointing mess.

4.3 "To Grieve Like the Rest of Men Who Have No Hope."   We get only about ten seconds to establish BJ's new passion for pole-dancing before he is injured, and forced to get a wheelchair and a helper monkey. The siblings are ludicrously opposed to Daddy Eli's new girlfriend -- eight years after their mother died, what's the problem?  The Simkins Church goes  up in flames, and is never commented on again.  Kelvin is eviscerated when Vance Simkins makes an easily refutable statement about God hating gays, and gets innumerable hints that he is Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, and doomed.  The hints go nowhere. 

4.8: "On Your Belly You Shall Go.":   BJ's monkey becomes murderous -- for one scene, and then nothing. The 80-year old Baby Billy plays a teenage Jesus for no reason, and leads a song full of swaying ladies. We finally discover who's been attacking and murdering Lori's boyfriends (after they break up), and it makes no sense. There's a massacre at the Gator Farm that comes out of nowhere.  And Cobb murders his beloved employee for no reason.  This was so disturbing that I won't watch the episode again, and I wrote three fan fiction stories where Stacy lives -- and starts dating Pontius.