31 Reasons Why Autumn is My Favorite Season

1. New TV shows.

2. A new theater season.

3. Classes start over.

4. Halloween

5. Apples by the bushel.

6. You can wear nice jackets and sweaters outside.

7.  The air gets a brisk chill

8. The campus becomes a hunk-fest again.













9.  Hookup apps get dozens of fresh new faces (and biceps and bulges).

10. The leaves turn color.

11. You can go outside without getting drenched.

12. Cloudy days.

13. The first snowfall of the season.

14. Football.  I hate football, but I like football players.

15.  Sleeping under blankets.

16. You can cuddle again.

17. Pumpkin pie.

18. Thanksgiving.

19.  My birthday.  Don't let them tell you that as you get older, birthdays are less important.  I'll take cake and presents any day.

20. Fun runs.

21. You can work off the summer pounds.

22. Gay Pride (on the Plains, it's held in September).

23. The Rocky Horror Picture Show

24. The paranormal.  I suppose you could read about ghosts, time slips, and alien abductions at any time of the year, but aren't they more fun in the autumn?

25. Nobody is pressuring you to eat outside, play outside, or do anything outside. You can stay in the house all day without anyone complaining that you have "wasted" the day.

26. There's no pressure of any sort.  In the summer people are always after you do to things, drive cross-country, visit old friends, go to festivals and fairs, make sure that "the days are just packed."  In the autumn you can relax.

27. Pie.  Who ever heard of eating pie in the summertime?

28. Wrestling.

29. The sun goes down at a decent hour, non e of this "broad daylight at bedtime" business.

30. Lumberjack shirts and tight jeans.

31. It's not Christmas.

See also: 12 Things to Like About Autumn

Gay Characters in America's Favorite Novels, Part 4

Ok, home stretch.  #76-100 of America's favorite novels, as determined by a PBS survey.  We're getting into mostly unknown territory here, but let's see how many I've read, heard of, or ran away from, and which have gay characters or gay subtexts.

76.Ready Player One.  Never heard of it.  Another future dystopia for young adults, this one involving a Matrix-like computer game.  And lo-ooo-ve between a boy and a girl.

The 2018 movie starred Tye Sheridan as the Boy and Olivia Cook as the Girl.

77. Left Behind.  Ran away from it.  The fundamentalist Christian series about the Rapture and Tribulation.  I heard more than enough about that growing up, thank you.  I'll bet there are lots of homophobic portrayals of gay stereotypes among the evilites.

Believe it or not, there have been five movies in the series, and not all of them star teen idol-turned fundie spokesman Kirk Cameron.

78. Gone Girl.  Never heard of it. Nick and his wife relocate from New York City to Hicksville.  Then she vanishes, and he's the prime suspect.  Actually, she's in hiding at her ex-boyfriend's house, hoping to frame Nick for her "murder."

In the 2014 movie, Ben Affleck plays Nick, and Neal Patrick Harris the ex-boyfriend.  Both are heterosexual.

79. Watchers. Never heard of it, but I've heard of author Dean Koontz, a sort of second-rate Stephen King.  But to be fair, his novels are reputedly short to put more than one on your Bucket List.  Genetically enhanced dog and his human, Travis, and the Girl fight Russian assassins.  Dated much?

Teen idol Corey Haim played Travis in 1988.

80. The Pilgrim's Progress.  Read.  Not really a novel, a 17th century allegory about a pilgrim's search for salvation, but I guess it could be the favorite of some people of a fundamentalist Christian persuasion (if they don't like Left Behind).  There are lots of abridged versions, kids' versions, and even a graphic novel.

81. Alex Cross.  Never heard of it. A mystery involving a missing girl and a murdered beautiful woman (couldn't they just say women?  Is the beautiful of a non-beautiful woman not important?).

Tyler Perry stars as Alex in the movie version.  This isn't him, but he popped up when I did a search, so he gets to stay.  A chest is a chest.

This time I know the respondents are going by the movie, not the book.  The book is just entitled Cross.

82. Things Fall Apart.  Read it. African traditions fall to European colonialism, seen through the eyes of Nigerian villager Okonkwo. He's a noted wrestler but also rather a jerk, regularly beating his wives and kids, and he sits by while his adopted son is murdered, because to intervene would appear feminine.  Eventually he commits suicide.  No gay people.

83.Heart of Darkness.  Never read it, but I know the basic plot: Marlowe journeys into the Heart of Darkness, Africa, where Kurz has created his own private kingdom. No gay subtexts.

The 1993 movie stars Tim Roth and John Malkovich.

84. Gilead.  Never heard of it. Some guy in Gilead, Iowa is dying, and writes his son a long letter about it.  Who'd want to read something like that.  No wonder it's #84.  I'm surprised it's not #4084.

It won a Pulitzer and a National Book Critics Circle Award, and there's a study guide available, in case teachers want to assign it to their classes.

Americans are sick.

85. Flowers in the Attic.  Read it.  Siblings imprisoned in an attic by their grandmother, who eventually tries to kill them, plus incest.  Cheery.

The 2014 movie stars Mason Dye as Chris, one of the incestuous siblings.

86.Fifty Shades of Grey. Never read it,but I saw the horrible movie.  The writer doesn't know the first thing about BDSM.  And it's all exclusively heterosexual.

87. The Sirens of Titan.  Never read it, because there's a naked women on the cover, and it's by Kurt Vonnegut, whose works make no sense. A rich guy named Malachi and his little dog build a private spaceship and head for Mars, but the end up on Betelgeuse, then Titan, then Trafalmador.

88. This Present Darkness.  Never heard of it. A thriller about Christians vs. evil New Agers who are trying to take over the world.  But it's two Christian guys, so maybe there's a gay subtext.

89.Americanah. Never heard of it. An African boyfriend and girlfriend are separated.  One goes to America and has problems, and the other goes to London and has problems.  But their love is re-ignited 15 years later. Ugh.

90. Another Country.  Read it.  Finally, a novel with gay characters, albeit an old-fashioned pre-Stonewall "gays all die" one.  Rufus is physically abusive to his wife, who is admitted to a mental hospital.  Then he commits suicide.  But...earlier in his life, he had a boyfriend!

The movie Another Country (1984) has nothing to do with the novel, but coincidentally it is also about a gay guy, Guy Burgess, one of the "Cambridge Spies." 

91. Bless Me, Ultima.  Never heard of it. A young boy questions the Catholic faith, but an elderly woman restores it.   And people die.

The 2013 movie stars Luke Ganalon as Antonio.

92. Looking for Alaska.  Never heard of it, but Alaska is kind of big, hard to miss. Seriously, Alaska is the girl that the protagonist falls in love with, and...um...searches for.   Ugh.

93. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao.  Never heard of it.  A Dominican ghetto nerd (named after Oscar Wilde) dreams of becoming the next J.R.R. Tolkien and finding love. When a girl disses him, he tries to commit suicide. But he recovers, graduates from Rutgers, moves to the Dominican Republic, and falls in love with a prostitute.  Her boyfriend doesn't like it, so he hires some goons to kill him.

Naming a character after Oscar Wilde, and having no gay references whatsoever?  What a tease!

94. Swan Song.  Never heard of it. A young girl with magical powers in a postapocalyptic wasteland.   A lot of people die, but Swan (the Girl) and Robin (the Boy) survive and settle down in a postapocalyptic Eden.

95. Mind Invaders.  Never heard of it.   Christian computer genius (male) and skeptical journalist (female( fight aliens.  And fall in love, I bet.


96. White Teeth.  Never heard of it. Indian and Jamaican friends in 1970s London. Maybe there are some gay subtexts, but all the characters listed in the wikipedia summary fall into heterosexual lo-oo-ve, get married, and have kids.

There's a 2002 mini-series with that name, with some male characters. The hunkiest is Deepak Verma, if this is the same one.

97.Ghost.  Never heard of it. Young adult sports novel -- no wonder. Ghost is actually a runner who is mentored by a coach named Coach. 

No actual paranormal activity.  False advertising!

98. The Coldest Winter Ever.  Never heard of it. Winter is the name of the heiress to a drug-dealing family.  The writer is named Sister Souljah. That would be a good title for a novel.

99. The Intuitionist.  Never heard of it. The synopsis made no sense: something about elevator operators competing with each other for an elevator operator award? 

100. Dona Barbara, the famous 1929 novel by Romulo Gallegos.  Heard of it, never read it.  Dona Barbara is a witch who falls in love with Santos, who is in love with her daughter.

In the 1998 Argentine movie, Santos is played by Sebastian Cascardo.


Ok, of the last 25, I have read only 3, and 18 I never heard of, but to be fair, this far down the list, we must be getting to the territory of one or two survey respondents. Only 1 of the 25 novels contains gay characters.

Terrible record!  Conclusions:  Americans like novels where:

1. Children: cool animals or kids die.
2. Young adults: Teens in a dystopian future die.
3. Adults: People fall in love, get married, go to war, and die.

And gay people do not exist, except occasionally as walk-ons.  The world of marriage and death is exclusively heterosexual.

Gay Characters in America's Favorite Novels, Part 3

On to #51-75 of America's best loved novels, as determined by a PBS survey.  Let's see if I've read it or ran away screaming, and if there are any gay characters or subtexts.

51. Their Eyes were Watching God.  Never read, but I heard of Zora Neal Hurston, a Harlem Renaissance writer who investigated Old South folkways.  A woman grow up in Jim Crow Florida and gets married a lot.  Out of print for 30 years, so how did all of these respondents find it?

Oh: it was turned into a 2005 movie starring Halle Berry as the Woman and several African-American hunks as the husbands.

52. Jurassic Park.  Never read.  Saw the movie. An dinosaur zoo is not a good idea, but if you must have one, invite a male and female paleontologist to fall in love.  No gay characters.

53. The Godfather. Read many years ago.  Not bad potboiler depiction of a Mafioso family.  The description of Michael Corleone's super-sized penis is worth the price of the book.  No gay characters, but probably some scattered "fag" and "fairy" slurs that I don't remember.

Al Pacino played Michael Corleone in 1972, back when he was cute.  I don't know if he has a super-sized penis.

54. One Hundred Years of Solitude.  Read a long time ago, but I recall being impressed.  Magic realism, non-linear plot, therefore hard to follow, but I think it's about several generations of a family in the town of Macondo, Brazil, which is cut off from time.  No gay characters.

55. The Picture of Dorian Gray. Read.  Oscar Wilde is gay, but his creation has to settle for subtext; he's got a picture in the attic that stays young and beautiful, while he engages in all sorts of beauty-destroying vices.

The 2009 movie also asks us to settle for subtext: Dorian (Ben Barnes) leers at a couple of guys while grabbing at every woman in sight.

56.The Notebook.  Ran away from this after seeing the movie posters with a couple (Ryan Gosling and a woman) kissing in the rain.  It's about an elderly man telling the story of their undying love to his wife, who has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember him.  How depressing!

57. The Shack.  Never heard of it. A girl is murdered in a shack in the wilderness, and years later, God invites her father, Mack, to visit the same shack.  There, the Holy Trinity takes him on adventures, like the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future in A Christmas Carol.  Incidentally, they also give him the info on how to catch the girl's killer.

In the 2017 movie, Sam Worthington plays Mack, and there's some boy-girl kissing.

58. A Confederacy of Dunces.  Started.  It was awful.  A bulbous creep criticizes everybody in the world for their lack of intelligence. I imagine there aren't any gay characters, but I wouldn't know.  I was too busy throwing the book away.

59. Hunt for Red October.  Never read.  Remember my rule about books in the airport gift shop?  American and Soviet submarines clash during the Cold War.  Red October is a submarine, by the way.

The 1990 movie starred Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin.

60. Beloved.  Never read.  An ex-slave whose daughter was murdered.  Why are beloved novels always about death?  And why do the characters always have names like Schoolteacher, Schoolteacher's Nephew, Denver, Suggs, and Beloved?  What's wrong with Sam, Dave, George, and Irene?

The 1998 movie turns it into a horror story, with the daughter showing up to haunt the mother (Oprah Winfrey).  Wes Bentley plays the evil Schoolteacher's evil Nephew.

61.The Martian.  Never heard of it.  A Martian explorer is trapped when his expedition leaves without him.  Eventually another expedition picks him up. I'm pretty sure he's not gay.

The 2015 movie starring Matt Damon added some hetero-romances.

62. The Eye of the World. Never read, but I heard it was a totally derivative alternate-world fantasy.  A group of friends are attacked by Trollocs and have to flee, finding various allies, enemies, lost cities, and magical implements.  Like the Eye of the World, a one-ring that can defeat the Dark One. But...The Lord of the Rings is right there on your shelf.

No gay characters, maybe some subtexts.

63. Siddhartha. Read.  A fictionalized biography of Gautama Buddha, played by Keanu Reaves in the film version.  No gay characters.

64. Crime and Punishment.  Read.  Spoiler:  Raskolnikov kills someone for the fun of it, then feels guilty.  Oh, and he romances a prostitute.  They did that a lot in Russian novels.

65. The Sun Also Rises. Read. Depressed, injured World War I vet searches for love, but he's impotent due to his injury, so sex is impossible (he never heard of the many sexual acts one can perform with hands and mouths?).  There's a homophobic reference to how much he hates gay people and wants to beat them up.

Last filmed in 1957, with Tyrone Power as the impotent Nick.

66. The Curious Incident of the Dog at Night Time.  Never heard of it.  Christopher is a 15-year old autistic boy who investigates the death of the neighbor's dog, and ends up reconciling with his mother, who he thinks is dead. Really. But at least he doesn't fall in lo-ooo-ve.

66. A Separate Peace.  Never read, but I know Louise's dictum applies: Children's books are all about cool animals or kids who die.  Buddy-bonding at a prep school, with a strong gay subtext.  And death.

The 2004 movie starred J. Barton, Toby Moore, Jacob Pitts, and Aaron Ashmore.

67.Don Quixote.  Read. One of the great novels of Western literature, at least Part 1.  Nothing like the musical with Don Quixote in lo-oo-oove with Dulcinea.  A lot of Quixote-Sancho Panza gay subtext.

68. Lovely Bones.  Never read.  14-year old murdered girl Susie leads her family and friends to her murderer. I feel left out.  Why ate the victims of serial killers in the movies always girls?

Chief among the investigators is classmate Ray Singh  (Reece Ritchie in the movie version), who had a crush on her and now falls in love with another girl.

The killer, by the way, is the loner neighbor with the porn stache who they suspected all along.

69. The Alchemist.  Never read.  I didn't even know it was a novel; I thought it was a philosophical tract.  It appears to convey the philosophical ideas through a non-gay boy named Santiago.

70. Hatchet. Never heard of it. A plane crashes in the Canadian wilderness, and the only survivor, a young boy, has to survive.  Who would want to read about that? 

I have heard of the film version, A Cry in the Wild (1990), starring Jared Rushton, who Google thinks is one of these guys.  I'm not buying it: he's now 44 years old, and blond.  But a chest is a chest.

72.  Invisible Man.  Read.  He's not actually invisible, he's black in a racist society. No gay characters.

73. The Twilight Saga.  Never read.  Is that the one with teen idol vampires who take their shirts off, and fans proclaiming that they're on Team Edward or Team Joseph? There are probably minor gay characters wandering around.

This is Robert Pattinson, who plays Edward in the movies. Very sloppy signature.

74. Tales of the City.  Read. Well, started to, many times,but it's so utterly dull that I always fall asleep.  Gay characters are prominent in this "comedy" saga of an intertwined group of friends in 1970s San Francisco.

75. Gulliver's Travels. Read.  But I'm pretty sure the respondents like the idea better than the actual novel.

Of these 25 Beloved Novels, I've read nine.  Several gay subtexts, but actual gay characters in one, maybe two.

Deplorable record.  Maybe #76-100 are better.

Gay Characters in America's Favorite Novels Part 2

I'm going through the list of America's Favorite Novels, as determined by a PBS survey, to see if there are any gay characters or gay subtexts.  Some of them I've read; others I ran away from in disgust.  Some I've never heard of

26. A Prayer for Owen Meany.  Ran away from.  I hate John Irving to begin with -- what kind of name is Garp?  And I heard this one was horrible. First, what kind of name is Meany?  Second, it begins with Owen playing baseball, and accidentally killing his friend's mother with a foul ball. Later he gets a job picking up dead bodies.  Cheery.

It inspired Simon Birch, a buddy-bonding movie starring Ian Michael Smith and Joseph Mazzello.

27. The Color Purple.  Read.  America's Favorite Novels are often depressing.  Woman in the Jim Crow South is abused by her husband and buddy-bonds with another woman. There's a lesbian subtext that was made explicit in the 1984 movie starring Whoopie Goldberg.

28. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.  Read.  Very good, although dated journey to a dreamland, with many quotable lines.  No gay subtexts.

29. Great Expectations. Read. Dicken's best work, with Pip, the creepy Miss Havesham, and Estella ("You can break his heart).  Gay subtext with his school friend Herbert Pocket.

The 1998 "modernization" upped the hetero-romance (naked woman on the DVD cover!).  It starred Ethan Hawke as Finnegan Bell.

30.  The Catcher in the Rye.  Never read.  "Classic" teen novel about the rebellious Holden Caulfield, who smokes cigarettes and beats up gay people.  Gross.

31. Where the Red Fern Grows.  Never read, but I know it's about a boy and a dog, and I know what happens.  See Louise's Dictum: "Children's literature is about cool animals and kids who die."

Why are so many of these books for kids?  Is it that when the respondents grew up, they didn't read any more?

The 2003 movie starred Joseph Ashton as the Boy.

32. The Outsiders.  Never read, but the 1984 movie was horrible, all about "staying gold" and dying.  Louise's Dictum again.  I hear that the author was horrified by the idea of gay subtexts.  "I intended for them to be STRAIGHT!" she shrieked.

33. The Da Vinci Code.  Never read, but I hear that there's a boy-girl romance amid the skullduggery about the Priory of Sion, the Knights Templars, and who knows what else?  Maybe the Holy Grail kills some Nazis.

34. The Handmaid's Tale. Read. Horrific religious dystopia, slightly worse than our current fascist state, where fertile women become "handmaids," impregnated by rich men with infertile wives.  There are references to gay people being killed in this dystopian future.

In the 2017 tv series, Max Minghella plays Nick, an "Eye of God" (snoop) who may be working for the underground, and falls in love with handmaid June.

35. Dune. Read, but a long time ago.  A vast galactic empire, Star Wars complete with sand worms but without the freedom fighters. All I remember are the quotes from the Galactic Encyclopedia, the Messiah Paul Muad-Dib marrying his mother, and a staggeringly homophobic portrayal of a gay man.  But he still counts as a gay character.

36. The Little Prince.  Read. Awful.  Nightmare-inducing.  The narrator meets the Prince of a small planet, who is trapped on Earth.  The only way to get home is to be bitten by a snake.  He'll look dead, but he won't really be dead.  Louise's Dictum again:  "Children's literature is about cool dogs or kids who die."

37.  Call of the Wild.  Never read, though people kept trying to talk me into it through my childhood.  Apparently the dog doesn't die, he just goes feral after his humans are all murdered.

38. The Clan of the Cave Bear.  Never read. Cave people: A Cro-Magnon girl goes to live with the Neanderthals, and finds love.

39. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  Read.  Funniest novel ever. I never laugh out loud while reading, but this time I did.  Nebbish Arthur Dent and galactic gadabout Ford Prefect have picaresque adventures. So long, and thanks for all the fish.  Gay subtext, no gay characters.

40.The Hunger Games.  Never read.  A dystopian future where groups of kids are forced to fight each other to the death, but a boy and a girl try to beat the system.  And...um...fall in love.  .  No gay characters.

In the 2012 movie, Josh Hutcherson plays the Boy.

41. The Count of Monte Cristo.  Read. This is another one that I can't believe people have actually read.  It's long and ponderous.  Dantes gets revenge on the people who wronged him, and helps a couple find true love.

42.  The Joy Luck Club.  Read.  Chinese-American women bond with each other and experience culture clash. Minor gay character who vanishes from the 1993 movie.

43. Frankenstein.  Never read, and I doubt most respondents have, either.   It's an epistolary novel, published in 1817.  They're thinking of the many Frankenstein movies.

44. The Giver.  Never heard of it. In a dystopian future,  a teenage is chosen to be "The Giver" and receive the memories of the past, like Christmas carols and seeing in color,  but there are complications.  And falling in lo-ooo-ooove.

In the 2014 movie, Brenton Thwaites plays Jonah, the boy chosen to be the next Giver.


45.Memoirs of a Geisha.  Never heard of it. A young girl becomes a geisha (a pleasure woman, but not a prostitute), lives through World War II, and falls in love.  I don't think there are any gay characters.

46. Moby-Dick. Read, I think some of the respondents said it was their favorite novel because they thought they were supposed to.  Ahab searches for the whale, while Ishmael and Queequeg share a bed.  Gay subtext; Melville was gay, after all.

The 1998 mini-series (yes, there was a mini-series) stars Henry Thomas as Ishmael.  It minimizes the gay subtext.

47.Catch-22. Ran away from. Weird surrealist war novel.  Lots of people die.

48. Game of Thrones.  Heard of the tv series, didn't realize it was based on an alternate world fantasy with magic swords and such.   Apparently some gay characters, who get killed right away (bury your gays).

49. Foundation.  Read.  About the fall of a galactic civilization.  A lot more boring than it sounds.  Isaac Asimov simply cannot create vivid characters.  Gay people do not exist.

50. War and Peace.  Never read.  Were the respondents serious, or making a joke about the novel's infamous length? Remember the Peanuts story arc where Snoopy plans to read one word a day?

The 2016 mini-series starred Paul Dano as Pierre. I have no idea who that is.

It also featured a naked soldier, penis and all, which I'm sure has Tolstoy turning over in his grave.

I've read 10 of the 25 books on this list.  There are some gay subtexts, but only three have actual gay characters.  So far, not so great.

Gay Characters in America's Favorite Novels. Part 1

Last summer PBS broadcast "The Great American Read," a listing of the top 100 best-loved novels as derived from a survey. Many of them I've never heard of, and others  I've heard of but ran away from.  Let's see if it's all men and women gazing into each other's eyes, or if there are any gay texts, subtexts, or characters.

1. To Kill a Mockingbird.  Never read. It's about a girl named Scout, whose father is defending a black man accused of rape in the Jim Crow South.  Some people die.  Sounds awful.

2. Outlander.  Never heard of it. Seems to be about a woman zapped into 18th century Scotland, where she falls in love.  It was turned into a tv series starring Sam Heughan, who seems a bit chunky for a romantic hero.

3. Harry Potter. Read.  Excellent series about the Boy Who Lived and his life at Hogwarts, a magic academy, and eventually a final confrontation with arch-mage He Who Must Not Be Named.   Ron-Harry subtext.  No gay characters except Dumbledore, who isn't outed.

4. Pride and Prejudice.Read. The Bennett family tries to marry off its house-ful of daughters.  It can be kind of queered.  In the 1995 mini-series, Colin Firth played main squeeze Mr. Darcy.

5. The Lord of the Rings. One ring to rule them all.  A fantasy trilogy, one of the iconic books of my childhood.  I still only like alternate-world fantasy, nothing set in the mundane reality.  It can be queered five ways from Thursday. 

6.Gone with the Wind.  Never read.  Did the survey respondents actually read it, or are they going with the movie? Of course, Clark Gable played the iconic Rhett Butler who has a tempestuous romance with Southern Belle Scarlet.  Frankly, Scarlet, there are no gay characters.



7. Charlotte's Web.  Never read, but I think it's about a pig who befriends a spider, who dies.  As Louise from Bob's Burgers said, "Children's literature is about cool animals who die."

8. Little Women.  Never read.  Again, I wonder if the survey respondents have actually read the reputedly ponderous 19th century novel about girls growing up.  Some of them die and some of the marry.  To rephrase Louise's Dictum: "Children's literature is about cool animals or kids who die."

A 2019 film version will star Timothee Chalamet as Laurie, who marries one of the girls.

9. Chronicles of Narnia.  Read.  Excellent children's fantasy series, a little topheavy with the preaching toward the end, and in the last book they all die (remember Louise's Dictum).  But until then, it's a wild ride. Some gay subtexts here and there.

10. Jane Eyre.  Read.  Jane becomes governess to the mysterious Lord Rochester, who has a madwoman in the attic.  The first of the governesses-in-danger tropes.  Not much of a gay subtext.

In the 2011 movie, Michael Fassbinder (not to be confused with director Werner Fassbinder, which I always do) played Lord Rochester.

11. Anne of Green Gables. Never read.  Isn't about a girl in the 19th century who goes to live with some relative or other, and has feelings?

I'm going to look it up on wikipedia.  $5 says that someone dies.

Yep: Louise's Dictum strikes again.

12. The Grapes of Wrath.  Read.  Some of it, anyway.  It's very long and very pretentious, about Okies from Muskogee who seek their fortune in California during the Dust Bowl.  In one chapter, breast milk figures prominently, to the disgust of generations of schoolchildren. No gay characters.

13. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.  Come on, I know not one person in a hundred has read this antique novel about a girl growing up in a poor New York family, with some deaths and marriages.  Was it an Oprah's Book Club selection or something?

14.The Book Thief.  Ran away from.  A "children's" novel about a girl in Nazi Germany who reads stolen books and hides Jewish people in her basement. Gross. It was made into a 2013 movie starring Robert Allam as the Narrator and Death.  I'll wager Death had a lot of lines.

15. The Great Gatsby.  Read. During the Jazz Age, Nick befriends the mysterious Gatsby, who is obsessed with his old girlfriend.  So he buys the mansion next door and throws lavish parties in hope that she will eventually drop in.  Nice gay subtext, but I could do without the heavy-handed symbolism.

The 2013 movie starred Leonardo DiCaprio as Gatsby.

16. The Help.  Never heard of it.  A black maid and a white socialite in the Jim Crow South collaborate on a book about a black maid and a white socialite. Is this like one of those infinite puzzles?  There seem to be some gay references, anyway.

The 2011 movie had a male actor half way down the character list: Chris Lowell.

17. Tom Sawyer.  Read.  19th century Hannibal, Missouri scalawag Tom is totally in love with Becky Thatcher. I'll give it a pass.  Now, Huckleberry Finn -- there's a novel with subtexts!

18.  1984.  Read. It's about how totalitarianism quashes true love.

19. And Then There were None. Read.Agatha Christie was a great writer,maybe a little judgmental, and I really liked the mystery of who is killing off the guests on the mysterious island.  But she was not very gay-inclusive.

In 2015 it became a tv mini-series (really?  a short novel into a mini-series?), with Aiden Turner as Philip Lombard, the only semi-positive character.

20. Atlas Shrugged.  Ran away from.  Ayn Rand, selfishness as political philosophy?  I didn't even know it had a plot.

It doesn't, really.  It's mostly people giving speeches.  But the main character, a businesswoman named Dagny, does get a boyfriend.

21. Wuthering Heights. Read.  Heathcliff and Catherine are tempestuous lovers.  Heathcliff has a terrible secret,but being gay isn't it.

22. Lonesome Dove.  Never read.  It's a Western, for heaven sake.  Who reads Westerns anymore?  Especially Westerns about a cattle drive.  What's next, a Western about a chicken ranch?  No gay characters, but apparently there are lots of gay subtexts, such as between Gus and Call (Robert Duvall and Tommy Lee Jones in the 1989 miniseries).


23. The Pillars of the Earth.  Never read.  I make a point of not reading novels that are on the book racks at airport gift shops.  It's about building a Gothic cathedral in Medieval England, and men and women falling in love.  The 2015 mini-series (have any of these NOT been made into movies?) starred Eddie Redmayne.

24. The Stand.  Read.  Well, skimmed.  If I read every word, it would take days.  The world ends due to a plague, and the few survivors gather in Boulder, Colorado (good people) and Las Vegas (wicked people).  Stephen King is not good at gay inclusion, but there are some subtexts.

25. Rebecca.  Never read, but I saw the movie. The narrator marries Mr. DeWinter, but soon discovers that she can never replace...Rebecca!  Stern housekeeper Mrs. Danvers is probably a lesbian, but it is only hinted at.

f the top 25, I've read 13.  None of them have major gay characters (who are out), and only one has a non-closeted gay reference.  Pretty bad job so far.

Next up: #26-50.

The Beefcake of Bob Jones

You've probably heard of Bob Jones University in Greenville, South Carolina, the most achingly fundamentalist college in the U.S. before Jerry Falwell opened Homophobia U.  It was founded in 1927 by fundamentalist preacher Bob Jones, whose grandson is still chancellor.  The rules are even stricter than at Nazarene colleges.

Like Nazarene colleges, there's no dancing, movies, secular music, card-playing, no teaching of evolution, and a curfew for all students.

In addition, BJU doesn't even offer courses in geology, it requires the King James Bible in all classes and services,  it has a strict dress code, and it doesn't admit non-fundamentalist students.  It did not enroll black students until 1975, and forbade interracial dating until 2014.

At both Nazarene colleges and BJU, coming out means being instantly expelled, but the chancellor of BJU has gone a little further, recommending that gay people be stoned to death (he has since apologized for his remarks, after receive a petition with 2,000 signatures).

But you've probably never heard of Bob Jones High School in Madison, Alabama, a suburb of Huntsville.  It's named after another Bob Jones (a state senator), and not affiliated with the fundamentalist bastion in any way.  In fact, it has a Gay-Straight Alliance.AND Young Democrats Club.

Can you tell which of these beefcake photos depicts the son of a progressive space scientist and which a fundamentalist training for a "hate the gays" ministry?  (Answers after the break)

1.  The swim team.














2. The swim team.

3. A powerlifter

4. A powerlifter















5. A high-GPA student





















6. A runner


















7. A high-GPA student

8.  A golfer

9. A wrestler





















10. A runner.

Answers:

The Hunks of the Millennium's Worst TV Series, 2010-2018

And now on to the clickbait list of the worst tv series of 2010-2018, and the mega-hunks who (almost) made them worth a look:

2010.  Mental: A psychiatrist (Chris Vance) can see into his patients' heads, but is worried about becoming schizophrenic himself.  Vance isn't bad, I suppose, but he pales in comparison to Nicholas Gonzalez as his horndog coworker.

2011.  S*** My Dad Says.  Star Trek fans tuned in to see William Shatner playing a crotchety, conservative Archie Bunker clone, head-butting with his liberal, middle aged sons (Jonathan Sadowski, Will Sasso).  Sasso is a little chunky (he played the chubby one of the Three Stooges), but Sadowski is rather hunky.

2012. Charlie's Angels.  Did anyone really want a retread of that 1970s show about female private detectives being told by an unseen voice to go undercover at bikini ranches?  The main cast consisted only of the angels, the voice of Victor Garber, and Ramon Rodriguez as the assistant Bosley.  The original Bosley was asexual, but this one was hetero-horny, and partied with the angels.  Not a bad physique.










2013. Guys with Kids.  Three guys raising their babies.  None are gay; in fact, they all have wives or ex-wives.  So the hilarity comes from the bizarre spectacle of men actually being fathers?  The three are played by former teen idol Jesse Bradford, Anthony Anderson of Black-ish, and comedian Zach Cregger.  I've seen a hundred pics of Bradford, and Anderson is a bit homophobic, so here's Cregger.

2014. Dads.  Two guys living together (one married, one single) are befuddled when their dads (not gay) both move in . Talk about strained premise.  The two guys are played by the cute but homophobic Seth Green, and the formerly cut but now sort of mousy Giovanni Ribisi.  Which to choose?

Ribisi has better abs.

More after the break