Link to the n*de dudes
Malcolm in the Middle (2000-2006) starred Frankie Muniz as Malcolm, the genius son in a struggling, working-class family with four boys. I watched mainly because it was inserted into the must-see Sunday night lineup on Fox: Futurama, King of the Hill, The Simpsons, Malcolm in the Middle, Family Guy, American Dad.
I don't remember many of Malcolm's plotlines, but I liked the delinquent older brother Francis (Christopher Masterson) in military school amid hunky gay-subtext dormmates, then moving to Alaska with his...um...best buddy.
Scene 1: Suited 40-year old Malcolm tells a reporter that his company does tech stuff to hook up grocery store chains with food banks, so their unsold merchandise goes to people who need it. Then, addressing the audience, he brags that he is rich, successful, and infinitely happy. And he did it all by cutting off his family.
Dewey (now played by Caleb Ellsworth-Clark) is performing before King Carl Gustaf of Sweden. And he brags about his numerous girlfriends. Was the original series this annoyingly heterosexist?
Suddenly Hal and his old musical group perform an a capella love song -- right in the aisle! Well, not a love song, precisely: "Your bedroom activity takes me to paradise..."
Scene 4: Hal and the stupid son, Reece (Justin Berfield), re-tiling the bathroom floor, although it's not necessary. He insists on doing a lot of unnecessary, expensive projects to get father-son time. "Maybe we could just do a jigsaw puzzle?"
Scene 6: Lois and Hal in the tattoo parlor, waiting while the guy before them gets a lengthy quote tattooed onto his back.
Scene 8: Lois yelling at a party planner on the phone while Hal, Reece, Francis, and his wife make party favors. They discuss Francis and Piama moving into the garage.
Beefcake: Hal n*de, Malcolm shirtless in bed.
I don't remember many of Malcolm's plotlines, but I liked the delinquent older brother Francis (Christopher Masterson) in military school amid hunky gay-subtext dormmates, then moving to Alaska with his...um...best buddy.
Christopher c*ck on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends
And middle brother Reese (Justin Berfield), who had so many queer codes that I expected a coming-out episode -- until the spineless writers lost their nerve and gave him a girlfriend.
20 years have passed, and three of the four brothers (plus their parents, buddies, marital partners, and kids) are back in a four-part miniseries on Hulu.
Scene 1: Suited 40-year old Malcolm tells a reporter that his company does tech stuff to hook up grocery store chains with food banks, so their unsold merchandise goes to people who need it. Then, addressing the audience, he brags that he is rich, successful, and infinitely happy. And he did it all by cutting off his family.
I'm not happy about the "Looking at me, I'm so much better than you!" And your family was not abusive. Cutting them off is cold.
Scene 2: At the house, Mom Lois is shaving Dad Hal's back hair, while he stands n*de in front of a laptop, face timing with youngest son Dewey. We're supposed to find this disgusting, but Hal has a perfectly presentable physique for a 70 year old (butt after the break).
Dewey (now played by Caleb Ellsworth-Clark) is performing before King Carl Gustaf of Sweden. And he brags about his numerous girlfriends. Was the original series this annoyingly heterosexist?
Did you remember that Hal and Lois had a fifth child in a late-series "Why not have a wacky birth?" plot arc? I didn't, but, but here they are: the young adult Kelly (Vaughan Murrae), who is nonbinary.
Hal makes a big show of not understanding their pronouns: "We're going shopping. Does them want to come?" But Kelly fights back: "Him can't come with we. Us have homework."
In other news, Lois and Hal's big anniversary party is coming up.
Scene 3: On the way home, Malcolm continues to brag about how cutting off his family changed his life: "I don't act like a sociopath. I'm less angry, more mature. But whenever I'm around them, I revert." Montage of Malcolm yelling at a family dinner, at a funeral, when his brother criticizes him for bragging about his car. Now he lives far away, and avoids holiday visits, but a stream of phone calls and emails makes them think that he still cares.
Cut to Hal and Lois at a big box store, looking for a ruby garland. Craig (David Anthony Higgins), who used to be Lois's boss with a crush on her, pops up to explain why he's no longer working at the drug store.
Suddenly Hal and his old musical group perform an a capella love song -- right in the aisle! Well, not a love song, precisely: "Your bedroom activity takes me to paradise..."
I remember that group vaguely -- he's the only white member, but he feels left out because the other guys are more successful. Didn't they also prank Lois's racist mother?
Musical group member Alex Morris d*ck on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.
Lois is embarrassed by the "romantic gesture." Could they do something likes, for a change?
Scene 4: Back to Malcolm. He introduces his daughter Leah, "a trophy I won for attending my first kegger in college Her mother left three days after giving birth. I'm a single father, but I'm good at it!"
Cut to Leah crying in her room. She addresses the camera, explaining that she doesn't cry all the time. She usually does depressed apathy or rage.
Malcolm wants to know what's wrong: she's isolated at school, with no friends, and Mean Girls prank her.
"Don't worry, it will get better once you go away to college and cut me off."
Mom Lois calls, insisting that they come to the anniversary party. This is her third text, so Malcolm has to strategize, explaining why he didn't answer the others in a way that makes it look like he cares.
More after the break
Scene 4: Hal and the stupid son, Reece (Justin Berfield), re-tiling the bathroom floor, although it's not necessary. He insists on doing a lot of unnecessary, expensive projects to get father-son time. "Maybe we could just do a jigsaw puzzle?"
Reece explains: he lost his job, he ruined his multiple marriages, he has no friends, so these projects are the only way he can feel successful at something.
Left: Justin Berfield has aged horribly, so here's a picture from his hotter days.
do a lot of unnecessary home improvement projects to get father-son time. .
Scene 5: Daughter Leah at a fancy private high school, which, she explains, is the same "emotional shithole" as public school. She is approached by a cadre of Mean Girls, who invite her to a party. "But it's just so they can reject me! They're so mean!" Um...maybe they actually like you?
Another girl rushes up to ask for help with her math homework. But Leah notices that she's pulling her hair, and advises that she has ringworm, which is actually a fungus, so she needs a fungicide, and... Do you always sabotage potential friendships like that?
Cut to the principal's office: "You othered that girl in front of her peer group!"
"Sorry, but just before, some girls hurt my feelings by inviting me to a party, so I wasn't thinking clearly."
Scene 6: Lois and Hal in the tattoo parlor, waiting while the guy before them gets a lengthy quote tattooed onto his back.
Then Malcolm, n*de in bed, tells us "You're going to see something shocking!" We've already seen you doing shocking stuff, bro.
Actually, it's his girlfriend, har har. "I get to touch her breasts! I'm heterosexual, and thus so much better than you!"
She comes in and explains what she likes about him: "You always listen...you're supportive..." You have a big one....
He wants to introduce her to his daughter Leah, which is important, because if they don't get along, who's going to get the boot?
Scene 7: In the park, Hal is standing on a literal soap box, telling Lois what he loves about her -- especially her bedroom performance.
Cut to Malcolm talking to Daughter Leah about how to get along with his girlfriend.
Text from Sibling Kelly: "I'm in the emergency room. I can't find Mom and Dad."
Psych: it was a lie so Malcolm would call them. "All Mom and Dad talk about is you coming to the anniversary party, so you have to be there."
"Ok, ok, I'll try, but I'm very busy planning the infrastructure of hundreds of charities...."
Scene 8: Lois yelling at a party planner on the phone while Hal, Reece, Francis, and his wife make party favors. They discuss Francis and Piama moving into the garage.
Back story: Francis is senior management, with 75 people under him. So why live in the garage?
Left: I thought Anthony Timpano played one of Francis' gay-subtext buddies, but it turns out that he's another of Hal and Lois's kids, born halfway through the series. Kelly was born after the series ended.
Kelly enters and announces "Malcolm isn't coming!" Everyone is aghast.
Scene 9: Malcolm and the girlfriend arrive to meet Leah. They bond over criticizing him.
Malcolm is delighted. If he marries the girlfriend, he'll have achieved the entire heterosexist trajectory of job, house, wife, and kid! He'll be a success!
Suddenly Hal and Lois burst in. They flew across the country to yell at him: "You are coming to that anniversary party!"
They stare at Leah, unaware that Malcolm has a daughter! And Leah was told that her grandparents were dead!
"You made me do this!" Malcolm yells. "This family's nonstop antisocial behavior is toxic! Every bad thing that has ever happened in my life is your fault!" You're pretty antisocial yourself, buddy.
Everyone wants an explanation, but instead Malcolm runs away. Literally. The end.
Beefcake: Hal n*de, Malcolm shirtless in bed.
Left: Francis' gay subtext buddy was played by Drew Powell, who is not in the cast list.
Heterosexism: Lots. Dewey and Reece both reference their numerous girlfriends, and Malcolm's main plotline involves convincing his girlfriend to stick around.
LGBTQ Characters: Nonbinary Kelly. In Episode 2, we discover that Malcolm's old friend Stevie (Craig Lamar Traylor, below) is gay, with a husband and child.
Jett Klyne appears in two episodes, but he plays the Boy of Leah's Dreams, not a gay guy.
My Grade: Definitely a fan service show. It was nice seeing everyone again, and reviving the old bits, and I'd like to see more of Kelly as the only sane member of the family. But Reece's descent from hunky to grotesque was off-putting, and Malcolm's jerkiness was out of control, making it difficult to sympathize with him. B-.
Why Him?: Adam Devine hooks up with Griffin Gluck over discussions of jizz. With bonus Gluck. And Bryan Cranston
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