"Merry Happy Something": Watch it with the Family Bigot

Spending Christmas with The Relatives on the other side of the world is always stressful: stuck in a house for two weeks with no exercise unless it's nice enough to jog outside, forced to watch...ugh...sports and eat...ugh...meals prepared by people who think potato chips are vegetables, all the while deflecting conversations about religion, politics, Muslims, and homa-sekshuls (you don't want the Family Bigot to start screaming).

Spending Christmas with the boyfriend's relatives is even worse, since you have to switch instantly from boyfriend to "roommate" depending on which member of the extended family knows. And sometimes you aren't informed in advance.  I once spent an entire afternoon being "the roommate" for my boyfriend's aunt, only to hear "Oh, she's known since I was 12."

So when I saw that Netflix released Merry Happy Whatever, an entire eight-episode tv series about the horrors of meeting The Relatives at Christmas, I planned to watch.  No doubt it would be infinitely heterosexist.  So what?  It would still be a good cure for the Day After Thanksgiving malaise, with The Visit looming.

It's a traditional multi-camera sound-stage sitcom, with a couch downstage center facing what is supposed to be a tv set.  With a laugh-track yet.  How retro!

L.A. hipster and aspiring musician Matt (Brent Morin, below) agrees to fly cross country to small-town Bucks County, Pennsylvania, to spend a 10-day Christmas vacation visiting the Family of his girlfriend Emmy.

10 days?  That was his first mistake.

Family Patriarch Don Quinn (1980s hunk Dennis Quaid), a small-town Sheriff, seems to be channeling Tim Allen on Home Improvement, or maybe William Shatner on S* My Dad Says.  Sports, tools, cars, grunting, flee from anything feminine.

He's got ancient gender-based hangups on everything from women working to men wearing the wrong kind of shoes, plus a few that I never even heard of, like "only women should decorate the Christmas tree."

And he has three children (not counting Emmy) who are totally on board with his cave man machismo, and three in-laws who are trying hard to avoid his wrath by pretending to be:

1.Dimwitted jock son Sean (Hayes MacArthur, top photo) is generally a success: wife, house, job, kids, the litany of male accomplishments that I heard incessantly while growing up.  Then he loses his job, and is afraid to tell his wife, Joy (Elizabeth Ho), because a man who can't support his family is not a real man.

And their 12-year old son, Sean Jr. (Mason Davis), ha a heart-to-heart about "feelings" that he's been "trying to hide."  They brace themselves for a coming-out, but Sean Jr. means that he's an atheist.  Almost as bad for this conservative Catholic family!

2. Chirpy housewife Patsy is married, but has been unable to conceive a child.It must  be due to the less-than-manly sperm of her husband  Todd (Adam Rose). Also he's Jewish, but terrified of suggesting the most innocuous dreidel to augment the Birth of Baby Jesus.   

3. Aggressive, controlling Kayla (Ashley Tinsdale)  is married to mild-mannered Alan (Tyler Ritter, left). But when they arrive for the first of 10 traditional holiday gatherings with the Family, he announces that he wants a divorce. They're arguing all the time, and they haven't had sex in a year.

Kayla begins dropping broad hints that the reason they broke up is: she is not attracted to men. In fact, she likes women -- a lot.  She comes out as a lesbian to Matt, but is afraid to tell the Family. Wouldn't you be?

When Matt falls into this maelstrom, Dad immediately labels him "a woman" because he is a musician, doesn't like sports, faints at the sight of a needle, and is from California.  Aren't they all sort of iffy out there?   The rest of the Family, sensing that he' the weakest member of the pack, fall in line:

Matt: Where is everybody?
Patsy:  The men all went out to get a Christmas tree.
Matt:  Well, not all the men.
Patsy:  All the real men.

At first Matt tries to macho up and bond with Dad, but then he changes his tactics, pushing back against Dad's gender-role malarky.  Men can be sensitive, artistic, intellectual, non-sports enthusiasts.

Energized, the others start pushing back, too.  Todd gets the nerve to suggest adding some Jewish traditions to the household.

Sean gets the nerve to tell Dad that he lost his job, AND that his son is an atheist.

In the last episode, set on New Year's Eve, Kayla comes out.  The Family gathers for a group hug, and Dad gives her a rainbow-flag keychain.  Matt's intervention has worked wonders.

I think I'll watch this show again in a couple of weeks, when I'm back home visiting The Relatives. 

Shtisel: A Lot of Haredi Men Find Love

The Haredim are ultra-Orthodox, the Nazarenes of the Jewish world:no tv, no movies, no secular books, no internet. They wear untrimmed earlocks and Russian hats. Men and women are strictly segregated outside the family, and of course gay people must never be mentioned.

They disapprove of the state of Israel, since only the Messiah can restore the sacred land.

They disapprove of speaking Hebrew, too; the language of the Torah, used to discuss laundry?   But who in Israel still speaks Yiddish? (Actually, 2% of the population, mostly the elderly and the Haredim).

The Israeli tv series Shtisel (2013-), now streaming on Netflix, pits the elderly, traditional Shulem Shtisel (Dova’le Glickman) against his grown son, the quiet,artistic Asher Lev...um, I mean Akiva (Michael Aloni), who is still ultra-Orthodox but doesn't mind fraternizing with the outside world.   They live together in the Haredi neighborhood of Geula, Jerusalem, and teach at a Yeshiva school.

I started to watch because who could say no to hearing actors speak Hebrew and Yiddish?  Also Michael Aloni starred in Out in the Dark (2012), about a gay romance between an Israeli lawyer and a Palestinian student, and Zohar Schtrauss, who plays Lipa (Akiva's brother-in-law), starred in Eyes Wide Open (2009), about a married Orthodox man who falls in love with his male apprentice. Surely there would be gay characters.   Maybe quiet, artistic Akiva,who keeps rejecting offers of arranged marriage, would turn out to be gay.

Nope, he's straight.

No gay people in the series.  Indeed, it is obsessed with marriage. Akiva courts Elisheva, eventually marries her, then falls in love with his cousin Libbi, and gets a divorce so he can marry her.

His sister Gitti, abandoned by her husband  Lipa, starts to date.

Her daughter Ruchami starts to date a yeshiva boy, Hanina  (Yoav Rotman, left).

Even the elderly Shulem starts to date, and eventually marries.

The series is also obsessed with death.  Akiva talks to his dead mother, who tells him that the afterlife is "cold." Shulem talks to his dead wife, visits his dying mother, and talks to her after she dies.  Many scenes are set in an assisted living facility, where the ladies all wear caps, so they all look like they're dying of cancer.

After the first scene of dying people, I turned the depressing mess off. 

I fast-forwarded through a few more episodes, to see if there were two men together sharing moments that might indicate a gay subtext.

No such luck. Shulem and Akiva are surrounded by women in their private lives (sisters, wives, mothers, elderly dying relations).   Akiva has a posse, but it seems to be devoted to talking about girls.

Nor could I find any beefcake.  They aren't even shown taking ceremonial baths.

The last thing I need is a tv show that's depressing AND has no beefcake. 

Even if it is in Hebrew and Yiddish.

I rate it an F

Knoxville: Not as Bad as It Sounds

If I was going to visit anyplace in Tennessee, it will be Nashville, or maybe Memphis.  Certainly not Knoxville, way up in the Smokey Mountains, so far up that even if you find your way there, you may never find your way down again.  It's near Rocky Top, memorialized in the 1967 song (now the University of Tennessee Fight Song) about having sex with girls and killing outsiders:

Once two strangers climbed ol' Rocky Top
Lookin' for a moonshine still
Strangers ain't come down from Rocky Top
Reckon they never will

It's near Oak Ridge, home town of the Oak Ridge Boys, the Country-Gospel quartet. I'm not personally familiar with any of their songs,but lots have topped the Country-Western charts.  Mostly songs about home and women: "Trying to Love Two Women," "Bobbie Sue," Elvira":

 Tonight I'm gonna meet her at the hungry house cafe
And I'm gonna give her all the love I can
She's gonna jump and holler 'cause I saved up my last two dollars
We're gonna search and find that preacher man

To bring the heterosexism into the 21st century, the Knoxville Museum of Art recently unveiled "The Cycle of Life," a sculpture by Richard Jolley.  It depicts a man and a woman grabbing at each other next to a tree.

Other than heterosexism, moonshine, and shotguns, Knoxville has 3 times as many Baptists and twice as many Pentecostals as the U.S. in general, and 58% of the county voted for the Orange Goblin in the 2016 election.

Run away.

Then I saw this photo of the Smokin' Salmons swim team of Knoxville, Tennesee. Smokin' Salmons = smoked salmons = lox = Jewish.

Jews in Knoxville?

Yep, about 3,000 Jews, with a community center and four synagogues.  Including Heska Amuna, "An egalitarian synagogue open to all,"  The rabbi graduated from Harvard and served in the Peace Corps before deciding on Knoxville, of all places, where in addition to his rabbinic duties, he practices yoga and plays Dungeons and Dragons.  His biography page also lists his preferred pronouns.

The Muslim Community of Knoxville runs a mosque, a children's academy, and a lot of community activities, such as a Grill and Chill Open House, an Ice Cream Social, World Hijab Day, the MLK Parade, and Adopt-a-Highway.

Ok, Jews and Muslims may have carved out some sanctuaries in the mountains, but what about the gay people?

Knoxville has 2 gay bars, Club XYZ and The Edge.  There's an annual Pride Fest, a Gay Men's Chorus, and a Lambda Car Club.  Mayor Madeline Rogero is reputedly gay-positive.

There are 10 welcoming churches in Knoxville, including one named God's Remnant Ministries.  That sounds way fundamentalist, but its website does say EVERYONE is welcome (EVERYONE in caps usually means "Even those who you would never in a million years think you would find inside a church, gay people").

But how welcoming are the high schools?

1. Farragut.  Books and Bites, Girl Up, and a GSA.

2. Bearden. Arabic Club, Drama Dawgs, Helping Hands, and a GSA.

3. Central.  Chess Club, Helping Hands Club, GSA.

4. Fulton.  Comics Club, Key Club,and GSA.

5. Gibbs.  Art, French, Math, no GSA. But they do have "Pancakes with Santa."

6. Halls.  Drama Masquerade Players, Skills Club, Teens for Christ, GSA..

7. Hardin Valley Academy.  Earth Club, Math Hawks, Teens for Christ, no GSA, but there's a pro bodybuilder among the alumni.

8. Karns.  Bass Fishing Club, Climbing Club, GSA.

9. Powell.  Chess Club, Nerd Club, "Diversity Club/GSA"

10. South Doyle.  Frisbee Club, Skills Club, GSA.

80%, impressive.  I'm in.

Plus there are 8 Thai restaurants.

Finding a Nice Jewish Boy

Teenage boys and girls are always being told to find a nice Jewish boy.  Someone who is quiet, studious, polite, good to his parents, who doesn't complain about going to Hebrew school, who is preparing to be a doctor or a lawyer, or better yet a rabbi.  And, of course, who has biceps and a bulge of Patriarchal proportions.

Like Yoav Reuveni, star of the gay Israeli drama Snails in the Rain (2013).

But with Jews numbering less than 2% of the U.S. population, finding someone of adequate basket and studiousness, who is both gay and available besides, is rather like finding matzah brie in Tuscaloosa.  Your best bet is a Jewish school.  So let's look for the beefcake at the top 10 Jewish high schools in the U.S. 

1. David Posnack Jewish Day School, Davie, FL (southwest of Fort Lauderdale).  Home of the Fighting Rams.  "What is better, study or action?"  According to the Talmud, study.  So get busy.

 Aside from Judaics, you can take Mandarin Chinese, yoga, robotics, fantasy football, culinary arts, and whatever this is.    75% of the students are on a sports team..  Take that, stereotype of the non-athletic Jew.

Wait -- where are the photos of the sports teams?

2.Tarbut V'Torah Community Day School, Irvine, CA  (south Irvine, right next door to the generic fundamentalist Mariners Church). Founded in 1991 by Holocaust survivor Irving Papa Gelman.

"Tarbut v'Torah" means "Culture and Torah."  In spite of its name, it has been criticized for failing to prepare students adequately in studies of the Torah and the Hebrew language.

But, on the bright side, it sends students to Shreveport, Louisiana to help rebuild struggling neighborhoods.

3.Ramaz School, New York.  On 85th between Park Avenue and Lexington (ritzy!).  Named after Rabbi Moses Zevulun Margolies, influential Orthodox rabbi who addressed a crowd of 20,000 at Madison Square Garden in 1933, praying for the end of anti-Jewish persecution. He died in 1936, thankfully, before the Holocaust.

 The school he founded follows the principles of derech erech (appropriate ethical conduct), and menschlichkeit (altruism).

The sports team (Fear the Rams!), features basketball and soccer.

This is all very interesting, but I have yet to find any beefcake photos.  I want to see Jewish muscles.

4.Milken Community Schools, Los Angeles.  On Mulholland Drive in the super-ritzy suburb of Bel-Air. With 750 students, the largest Reform-affiliated Jewish high school in the U.S.  18 levels of Hebrew are offered, plus courses in robotics, theater, architecture, sports broadcasting, and Latin.  There's a Gay-Straight Alliance, plus a Dec My Room Club and a Stand Up to Cancer Club.







Athletics: Go Wildcats!  Cross-country, golf, equestrian, tennis,water polo, soccer, swimming.

Water polo?  Swimming?  Surely there must be beefcake photos.  Um...er...

5.Scheck Hillel Community School, North Miami.  Far north, almost in Hollywood, in a mostly Jewish neighborhood that also features 6 synagogues, a  Jewish Community Center, Levitt Weinstein Memorial Chapel, the Etzel Itzik Deli, the Shalom Haifa Kosher Restaurant, and a Chuck E. Cheese.

1000 students drawn from all over the U.S. and abroad (there's a big ESL program).  Clubs include Best Buddies (pairing you with a special needs students), Elderly Helpers Club, and Jewish Mysticism Club.  No physique-displaying sports.

Come on, you're only 18 miles from Wilton Manors, the West Hollywood of Florida!

6.American Hebrew Academy, Greensboro, NC, the only international Jewish college-preparatory boarding school in the world, drawing students from 31 states and 35 countries.

To Greensboro, North Carolina.  It must be good!

They offer over 60 majors, including creative writing, website design, Moot Beit Dein (applied Jewish law), sports medicine, Jewish leadership, Israel Advocacy, Biology, Physics, and Visual Arts, but the only language other than Hebrew is Spanish.

Clubs include the Four Corners Tzedekah Fund, the Madrichin Senior Prefect Program, the Aharai Student Ambassador Program, the Happiness Club, and a Gay-Straight Alliance.  I'm joining the last two!

Athletics.  Tennis, Cross-Country, Golf, and... Swimming.  Do I dare dream?




Um...the swimmers are mostly girls.  Here are some cross-country runners.

7. Yavnah Academy, Dallas.  Orthodox, 100 students.  I'm not going to bother searching.













8.Emery/Weiner School, Houston.  Wow, a Jewish school in Hell-fer-Sartain!  Progressive Judaism, not Orthodox, but still, no Gay-Straight Alliance.  Known for its required fall and spring field trips, like to the Deep South to learn about African-Americans (isn't Houston already in the south?), or to San Francisco to learn about "innovation and inclusion."  Wait -- does that mean gay people?

Sports (Go Jaguars!): volleyball, baseball, cross-country.  Yawn.  They used to have wrestling, but the only photo I could find was from the middle school team, 2014-2015.

On the bright side, these boys are now about 20 years old.












9.Frankel Jewish Academy, Detroit.  Actually in the suburb of West Bloomfield.  Established in 2000. Sports: Cross country, soccer, basketball...um...I lost interest.

10. San Diego Jewish Academy, "shaping the foundation of future thinkers," whatever that means. Founded in 1979, but no high school students until 1999.  Clubs include Friendship, Helping Hands, and Israel.  And Minecraft.  Athletics: golf, tennis, soccer, baseball.

All I found was this long shot.  I'll take it.

I guess nice Jewish boys don't show you their schtuppers until after you stand under that chuppah and break that glass.

You can see nude photos of Jewish guys (all over 18, of course) on Tales of West Hollywood.

Tracking Down My Jewish Cousins

When I was growing up in Rock Island, almost every kid in my class had grandparents or great-grandparents from the Old Country,  so"where you came from" was a constant classroom assignment.

"Bring some food from your country"

"Tell about how your country celebrates Christmas."

"Teach us a few words in your country's language."



In junior high the assignments became more complex: the political structure, history, and economy of your country.

By high school, we were writing histories of immigration from our country, writing reports on its literary classics, and charting its GDP.

Except for me.  My grandparents and great-grandparents, both biological and adopted, were born here, and no one remembered any farther back (even today, after 50 years and a lot of genealogical research, I can't trace the main branches of my family across any ocean.). 

 I was forced to "just pick a country" to do the assignments: Spain, Finland, the Philippines, Japan, and India spring to mind.

Being American-born-American, with no particular ethnic heritage, I've always been eager to embrace any hints of anything non-WASP-y in my family tree.  Like my Native American relatives, who turned out to be Aunt Nora's husband's family.



And...Jewish?



I have two odd memories that suggest a Jewish connection:

1. It's the summer of 1966 or 1967, when I'm five or six years old.  We're visiting our relatives in northern Indiana, and my parents decide to drive out and see "Otto."  I don't know if he's a friend or relative or what: these things are never explained to kids.

Otto is very old, way older than my grandparents, bald with wrinkles and glasses that make his eyes look big.  His living room is heavy with thick furniture, a dark-oak piano, black-and-white pictures of dour-looking relatives, and a very nervous, trembling poodle.



One of his photos shows some guys in old-timey swim uniforms.  Otto catches me looking at it.

"That's my son, back when he was not much bigger than you," he says.  "Do you like to swim?"

"No.  I like to watch tv."

"I don't have a television, but I can give you some paper to draw on."  He goes to his desk and pulls out a black-bound day calendar for the year 1963. Blank, never used. It starts in September, not January, and has dates for "Yom Kippur," "Rosh Hashanah," "Purim," "Pesach."  I don't know what any of those words mean at the time, but later I figure out that they're Jewish holidays.  So Otto is Jewish.

2. It's two or three years later, maybe 1969 or 1970, when I'm 9 or 10 years old. Grandma Davis has taken us to Fort Wayne, the big city about 30 miles from her farm.  In the midst of doing fun grandma-and-kids things, she drives us to a ritzy neighborhood far from downtown, and says "I have to stop at this house for a minute.  You can come in, but don't make fun because they're Jewish."

I'm offended.  Does she think I'm a hick?  We have lots of Jewish kids in Rock Island.



We climb up a thick, heavy porch with granite pillars, and knock on the door.  A middle-aged man with wavy hair and a little paunch answers.

The only other thing I remember are two teenagers, a girl and a boy, sitting at the kitchen table, watching tv -- the first portable black and white tv set I had ever seen!



The boy didn't have his shirt off, sorry.  But he was still cute, with dark crewcut hair and very pale skin.  And he was very, very grown up.




The full story, with nude photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood.

Why We Watched "The Nanny" in West Hollywood

We didn't watch a lot of tv in West Hollywood, but we did manage to watch The Nanny (1993-1999), part of the  "servant brings joie de vivre to a dysfunctional family" sitcoms that extends back to Hazel , "Somebody bellow for Beulah?", and probably back to ancient Roman comedy.

Here a  "flashy girl from Flushing",  the loud-mouthed, low-brow working-class Jewish Fran Fine (Fran Drescher) has no education or experience in childcare, but somehow manages to becomes the nanny for the children of the ultra-sophisticated, ultra-elite Broadway producer Maxwell Sheffield (Charles Shaughnessy):

1. Teenage Maggie (Lauren Tom)
2. Tween Brighton (Benjamin Salisbury. left)
3. Preteen Grace (Madeline Zima)

Filling out the main cast are Maxwell's business partner C.C. Babcock (Lauren Lane), who has an unrequited crush on him, and sarcastic butler Niles (Daniel Davis).

Episodes involve Fran's wild I Love Lucy-style schemes, Maxwell's play production problems,  occasionally caring for the kids, and of course the ongoing question of "Will they or won't they?"

Of course they will, but it seems to take forever.  Maxwell is concerned that, coming from different social classes, they are incompatible  (has he never seen, like, every romance movie ever?).

Meanwhile the Sheffields get along swimmingly with Fran's family:  stereotypic Jewish mother Sylvia, generally unseen father Morty, and grandma Yetta.

And Maxwell has an endless stream of relatives who demonstrate that it's ok to romance your servants.  His sister marries her chauffeur. His brother even romances Fran.

Yet Maxwell proposes and takes it back, says the "L" word and takes it back, kisses her and takes it back, yada yada yada.

I would have told him, "show me a ring or I'm outta here," like 35 episodes ago.

Not a lot of beefcake.  This is a distaff show, about women talking, scheming, commiserating, bonding.  The few men around are seen from the perspective of the female gaze, desired for their charm, sophistication, and power, not for their physiques.  They rarely if ever take their clothes off.

Not a lot of gay references.  When a very occasional gay person does appear, everyone is surprised.  Apparently the world of Broadway draws only straight people.

Then why was it such a hit among gay men in West Hollywood?

1.  We were envious of New York.  It was bigger, more sophisticated, more serious, the birthplace of Gay Rights.

2. It was unremittingly cheery, with few of the depressing "problem of the week" episodes that spoiled other 1990s sitcoms.

3. Fran is a flamboyant fashionista, a campy, corny drag queen.

4. Since Maxwell is a Broadway producer, every Broadway star, singer, and actor you ever heard of makes a cameo: Ray Charles, Steve Lawrence, Eydie Gorme,  Eartha Kitt, Carol Channing, Patti LaBelle, Rita Moreno, Billy Ray Cyrus, Ben Vereen, Celine Dion, Lynne Redgrave, Elizabeth Taylor, Elton John,

And many you never heard of, famous at the time but now long forgotten: Joe Lando (left), Leslie Moonves, Donald Trump.

Robby Benson's Six Pack

Was there any 1970s teen idol more dreamy than Robby Benson?  Sure, David Cassidy, Donny Osmond, and Leif Garrett were cute, but Robby's blue eyes, coiffed hair, and soulful pout could cause thousands of straight girls and gay boys to swoon with goofy smiles on their faces, even without a beefcake shot.

Even his single scene in The End (1978) as a baby-faced priest confessing Burt Reynolds, was a show-stopper.

But to top it off, Robby soon developed a physique than would shame Scott Baio and Adrian Zmed, with a tight muscular chest and six-pack abs.

And the producers knew it.  All of his earliest movie roles -- Jory (1973), Troy (1973), and All the Kind Strangers (1974) -- featured ample shirtless shots.  When he moved on to teen angst, dying in Death be Not Proud (1975), Ode to Billy Joe (1976), and The Death of Richie (1977), the beefcake completely overshadowed the gravitas of the plots.

Hs only significant bonding was in The Chosen (1981), about the romance between an Orthodox and a Hasidic Jewish boy  -- otherwise his characters are busily falling for girls or dying.  But the gay kids in the audience weren't paying attention to the plot anyway.  They were waiting for the next shirtless shot.

When Robby moved on to young adult roles, mostly involving bigotry and sports, the beefcake continued.  Who could forget his underwear shot in Ice Castles (1978), his nude locker room scene in Running Brave (1983), or his magnificent shirtless scenes in Die Laughing (1980) and Harry and Son (1984)?

After a few years in the post-teen idol sleaze-movie ghetto -- City Limits (1984) and California Girls (1985) were good only for fast-forwarding to the shirtless scenes -- Robby managed to establish himself as a grown-up actor.  He continued to appear regularly in movies and tv through the 1980s and 1990s, gradually shifting into voice work (he was the voice of the Beast in the 1991 Disney movie Beauty and the Beast). 

Robby was one of the first Hollywood actors to play a gay character, instead of the ubiquitous "best friend to the gay guy" role  (in Ode to Billy Joe). 

And though he has never officially acknowledged his debt to gay fans, he has worked on a number of gay-friendly projects, from Ellen to Sabrina the Teenage Witch.  

There are nude photos on Tales of West Hollywood.

And I have a post on his son Zephyr.  What's it like being the son of the most beautiful teen idol in the world?

Why Easter is Better than Christmas

Easter is one of my all-time favorite holidays.  I love the juxtaposition of the iconic event of Christianity, the solemn death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ, with the gaudy triviality of chocolate rabbits and colored eggs.

Although I hate jellybeans and marshmallow Peeps, and this hunk with the rabbit head is just creepy.

But starting over is always exciting: cleaning out the junk that accumulated all winter, ratcheting up your weight training in anticipation of swimsuit season, and buying some new jackets and short-sleeve shirts.

They used to have Easter Parades, where you marched down the street wearing your new spring frock and gaudy hat, as memorialized in the song "Easter Parade," by Irving Berlin, and the 1948 movie musical starring angst-queen Judy Garland and bisexual future Rat Packer Peter Lawford.

By the way, in Sybil (1976), the song "Easter Parade" is a trigger to Sybil's traumatic past.

Put on your Easter bonnet...sob, sob...with all the frills...upon it...sob
You'll be the grandest...sob...lady...[voice gets high and squeaky] in the Easter...parade [switch to a new multiple personality!]

What's not to like?












Besides, Easter coincides with Passover, where you commemorate the iconic event of Judaism, the liberation from Egypt under the leadership of Moses (or, in lesbian households, Miriam), with a solemn ceremony in which the youngest guy present has to lift his shirt...um, I mean has to ask Four Questions:

Why is this night different from other nights?

1. On other nights we eat leavened bread and matzah, and on this night only matzah.
2. On other nights we eat all vegetables, and on this night only bitter herbs.
3. On other nights, we don’t dip our food, and on this night we dip twice (but nobody dips)
4. On other nights we eat sitting or reclining, and on this night we only recline (no, they're all sitting)

Then you eat a big dinner in which your boyfriend's Aunt Esther asks "a bishi brisket, bubbie?" and his mother says "Ess, ess, meyn kinter!  You're all skin and bones!"

I like the matzah spread with horseradish and haroset (fruit and nut paste).

I was going to do a post on my best, worst, and most erotic Easters and Passovers, but I couldn't find enough bad and erotic ones.  They're all the best.

So here's a naked guy with a bunny mask.

See also: Easter at the Bath House.

Fondling the Biggest Schlong in Hollywood

Hi, Boomer,

In one of your stories, you said you didn't think Jackie Coogan would be talking about the gay hookups of his youth with his 12-year old grandson, Keith Coogan.

Well, my Grandpa Sammy talked about all that, and more!  He was born in 1922, but didn't come out until 1990, when Grandma Lonny died.  After that, there was no stopping him -- he moved to Palm Springs, cruised in leather bars, went to bear parties, joined Gay and Grey clubs --  nonstop schmoozing and screwing.  And whenever my boyfriend and I drove up from West Hollywood to visit, he told us the raunchiest stories about his youth.







Here's one about Milton Berle's penis.

[Comedian Milton Berle (1908-2002) was famous for two things:

1. Being the host of Texaco Star Theater, an early comedy-variety tv show (1948-1956)  that everybody watched -- it was single-handedly responsible for selling 300,000 tv sets.

2. Having the biggest penis in Hollywood.  It was so famous, it was even mentioned at his funeral.]

Catskills, June 1939

When Sammy was in high school in Queens, many Jewish boys got summer jobs at the resorts in the Borscht Belt, Sullivan County in the Catskills.  He was an all-around athlete and a state tennis champ, so he landed a job as a tennis instructor and life guard at Grossinger's, the biggest and most elegant of the resorts.  35 buildings, indoor and outdoor pools, three restaurants, big name acts like Glenn Miller and George Burns.

And Milton Berle, the 30-year old comedian who had been playing the Borscht Belt since he was 15, plus appearing on the radio and in movies like Radio City Revels.  He had a standup comedy act involving nonstop patter, joke after joke that had the audience rolling in the aisles.  When they weren't gazing at him with that vacation-enhanced horniness -- he was goodlooking, well-built -- he filled out a swimsuit beautifully

Berle always had a girl or two on his arm, but Sammy still hoped he was queer.

The rest of the story, with nude photos and explicit sexual content, is on Tales of West Hollywood.