Ninja Kids of the 1990s

One of the legacies of Ralph Macchio's Karate Kid (1984), and ultimately Bruce Lee's popularization of Chinese martial arts, was a fad of ninja kids.  Unfortunately, they almost invariably limited buddy bonding to concentrate on making teenage or preteen martial artists, or both, improbably hetero-horny, contributing to the 1990s insistence that no gay kids could exist.

In 1993’s Surf Ninjas, hardbodied teenageJohnny (Ernie Reyes Jr., who also starred in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) gazes at girls and Playboy magazine.  His brother, Adam, claims lack of interest, but when Johnny’s potential bride shows up in a veil, he quips “Chick’s got a veil, dude better bail,” and when Johnny’s opening line to her is the lame “Wanna go to the mall sometime?” he says “Way to close the deal, Casanova.”  Though he expresses no interest of his own, he is aware of heterosexual desire at the age of eleven.








Born in September 1979, Ted Jan Roberts made several karate kid-type straight-to-video films before he retired to become a martial arts pro. In A Dangerous Place (1994), the fey thirteen-year old kicks, jabs, and buddy-bonds with William James Jones without glancing at girls, but in A Power Within (1995) and Tiger Heart (1996), the fourteen year old’s main goal in life is to ask a girl for a date.

3 Ninjas (1992) starred three martial arts-whiz brothers: Rocky (Michael Treanor), Colt (Max Elliot Slade), and Tum-Tum (Chad Power).  (Because they are strong, quick, and gluttonous, respectively).  Only the oldest, Rocky, is interested in girls, to the hilarious amusement of his brothers.  But none of them expresses any interest in boys, or even has a male friend.

The $29,000,000 gross ensured a sequel, The Three Ninjas Knuckle Up (1995).  This time it's the second brother, Colt, who -- on a vacation in the Southwest, flirts with – and rescues – the Native American girl Jo.  When his brothers tease him, saying “Colt’s gonna kiss Jo,” he happily agrees: “Maybe I will.”

The ninjas had remain to be kids, just on the edge of adolescence, in The Three Ninjas Kick Back (1995), only Max Elliott Slade remained of the original cast. Sean Fox now played Rocky, and J. Evan Bonifant Tum-Tum.   At fourteen Colt was obviously an adolescent, significantly taller, with a deeper voice.  Again, Colt is the one who grins at, almost-kisses, and rescues a teenage girl.

 In The Three Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998), there was a new group: fourteen-year old Mathew Botuchis, teen-idol cute in a red muscle shirt, played Rocky as assiduously girl-crazy, rescuing and kissing not only his girlfriend but a  new, brainy female sidekick.   The other boys, played by Michael O'Laskey and James Paul Roeske.  remain uninterested.










What are we to make of these variations in heterosexual desire?

1. Not every kid in the movie had to pursue a hetero-romance, but at least one of them did.
2. There was no room for same-sex friendships.  Males were bullies, antagonists, enemy spies, never friends.
3. Heroic fantasy, such as the Neverending Story, had more room for buddy-bonding than movies set in our own world.
4. Beefcake was not necessary, nor even recommended, since every shirtless or swimsuit shot invites the gaze of gay boys and teenagers, and you want to pretend that there are none.

Saturday Morning Beefcake: the 1990s

When I was growing up in the 1960s and 1970s, Saturday morning tv was strictly for little kids. By junior high, I watched only the live-action programs like H.R. Pufnstuf, Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, and Lidsville.  By high school, I had abandoned even those.

In the late 1980s, Saturday morning became cool again.  Everybody watched Pee-Wee's Playhouse  and  Saved by the Bell.  For some reason, most gay men preferred  Slater (Mario Lopez, right) to Mark-Paul Goesselaer's prettyboy operator Zack Morris.

Between 1993 and 2001, there was a whole lineup of teencoms to watch with your boyfriend and whatever guy you had brought home to "share" the night before. They all had the about the same plot: a group of high schoolers go out for sports, consider cheating on tests, take part-time jobs, date, and start bands.  There was always  a Zack Morris clone and a Slater clone, plus sundry stereotyped athletes, nerds, cheerleader-type girls, and brainy-type girls.

Boring stuff.  But who was watching for the plots?

1. Running the Halls starred blond goldenboy Richard Hillman as the Zack Morris clone who got into constant trouble with the vice-principal.   Hillman  also had small roles in Detroit Rock City and Teenage Caveman.  He died of AIDS in 2009.

2. California Dreams followed Iowa teens to their new home in California (shades of Beverly Hills 90210!), where naturally they started a band.  It starred Michael Cade's abs.

Fortunately, Book Circus had a full selection of teen magazines with Michael Cade centerfolds.

3. Saved by the Bell: The New Class was set right at Bayside High, with the vice principal and the nerd Screech still there.  It changed teen hunks frequently, but Christian Oliver is probably the best-remembered Zack Morris clone. 

You can also see Christian Oliver in the 2012 film Blow Me.

4. Hang-Time was oddly set in small-town Indiana rather than Malibu, and involved basketball rather than surfing.   It went through a lot of cast changes, too, with new groups of teen hunks every season.  Danso Gordon (left, recent photo) played the Slater clone.  Today he performs mostly in evangelical Christian movies like Heaven is Real.  I doubt that he would be happy learning that hundreds of gay men in West Hollywood thought that he was hot.

5.City Guys was set at Manhattan High School (apparently there is only one high school in Manhattan), with a diverse cast of two black guys, not just one, plus the Hispanic Al, played by Dion Basco (far left, from the cast of Naked Brown Men).

"Blair Witch": A Gay Guy and Two Hysterical Girls Fight Whatever Evil Lurks in the Maryland Woods

 

The Blair Witch Project (1999) was a found-footage movie about some college students who go into the Maryland woods to investigate the legend of the Blair Witch, and end up being killed in a mysterious empty house.   One of them does not display any heterosexual interest, and so could be read as gay. The sequel Blair Witch (2016) sends a young man out searching for his sister, one of the students who disappeared.  Sister instead of a girlfriend immediately raises a gay or gay-subtext potential.  

Scene 1: James (James Allen McCune) reviewing the found footage while Lisa films.  "That might be my sister."  The searchers never found the house where the students disappeared, but maybe they weren't searching in the right place.  A paranormal investigator has discovered a DV with the house, and posted it online.  

Peter (who unfortunately is named Brandon Scott, like 1,000 other celebrities) and Ashley come in with groceries, and get the deets: they're going to recreate Blair Witch journey to look for James' sister, who disappeared when he was 8, and Lisa will film them for her class.  This time they have much better cameras, drones, and cell phones with a GPS, so no getting lost.

Scene 2: At a nightclub, Lisa interviews the other participants: Peter is James' childhood friend.  Ashley met him through dating Peter.  Lisa has only been "friends" with him for a short time.  Not a girlfriend?  Is James gay?  I can't tell if he's looking at men or women..

Scene 3: The next morning, they check out the equpiment and go.  They drive all day and stop in one of those single-story Mom-and-Pop hotels for the night: boys in one bed, girls in the other. 

Scene 4: They arrive at Burkittsville, which used to be called Blair before it was mysteriously abandoned, to interview the guy who found the DV: Lane (Wes Robinson), a frizzy-haired redneck with a giant confederate flag on his wall.  But his girlfriend has pink-and-purple hair. Maybe she's LGBTQ.  They insist on escorting the gang to the place he found it.

On the way, he gives them a run down of the mysterious happenings in these woods, which "no one likes to talk about."  Are you kidding? Paranormal activity is a big tourist draw.  

In the 1940s, Rustin Parr brought 8 kids to his house in the woods, and killed 7, becaue the voice of an old woman compelled him to.  But it's not the house they are looking for: it burned down. Ghost house!

Scene 5: More mysterious happenings, as they cross a creek: "A girl drowned in this creek.  Her mother saw a hand reach out of the water and pull her in."  

Ashley cuts her foot on some broken glass or something!

They send the drone up to look for a clearing where there may be a house.  Nothing.

Scene 6: Camping for the night.  They're not good at assembling the tents.  Tell me they've been camping before!

Hot dogs and marshmallows around the campfire, and deets on the Blair Witch: Elly Kedward (no person was ever named in the original): accused of witchcraft after some local kids said she took blood from them, taken out to the woods, and tied to a tree to die of exposure.  Then people in town started disappearing.  Finally those who remained fled, and the town was abandoned.  She still haunts the woods: if you look directly at her, you'll die of fright.

Scene 7: Bedtime: James gets his own tent.  Definitely not dating Lisa.  He is awakened in the middle of the night by the sound of someone moving around outside.  One of your friends getting a midnight snack, dude.  Nope - a lot of branches breaking.  Suddenly Lisa bursts into his tent.  "What the hell was that?" 

Lane is missing!  James and Talia, Lane's girlfriend, look for him. That's what cell phones are for.   Psych!  He was just out -- um, peeing.  Yeah, that's what we'll call it.  

Scene 7:  Morning.  Lisa spent the night with James!  Boo!  But there was no smooching scene: maybe she was too spooked to sleep in her own tent. I'm still holding out for James to be gay.   There are weird symbols like St. Andrew's crosses hanging from the trees. Evidence that whoever killed the first group is still around; maybe the police will re-open the case!

Lane uses a DV camera, just like the one that took the video in the house. Ulp!  But he's too young to be the murderer.  And there's rope in his backpack -- exactly like the rope used to make the St. Andrews' crosses!  

He explains: they faked the crosses to scare them away, because there's something bad in the woods, and he didn't want them all to be killed.  They why did you insist on coming along?

The gang tells them to go home. Lane begs: "It's not safe!  Let's all go home!"  But they force him and Talia out.

James is upset; he was sure that they would find his sister's murderer, or at least evidence that the police could use.  Instead they were just being played.

Scene 8: They head for home.  But even with a GPS, they end up walking in a circle, back to last night's campsite.  And Ashley's foot is worse: she can't walk anymore.  Time to set up camp.

I'll stop the scene by scene there.  You know what happens to them, right?

Beefcake: None.  This is mostly a "women in distress" movie, with Lisa and Ashley freaking out and being harmed. 

Gay Character: James can definitely be read as gay.  No heterosexual interest of any sort throughout.  However, he's not the focus character.  Lisa turns out to be the Last Girl.

Plot Twists:  More than I expected.  

The Blair Witch:  In the original, the threat is never explained.  It may not be a person or ghost at all.  It detracts from the sense of unease to make it Elly Kedward.

Sequel: Turns out that this is the second sequel to the Blair Witch Project.  Another, Book of Shadows, appeared in 2000.  Lane mentions the events in one of his stories of mysterious happenings.

My Grade: C.  James should have played a bigger role.  We can see girls blubbering into cameras in 30,000 psycho-slasher movies; why repeat it here?

Toy Soldiers: Muscle on Parade

Every once in a while, a movie producer hires all of the teen hunks he can find, puts them in an all-male environment, and orders a script that involves fighting a common adversary with their shirts off, thus ensuring the avid interest of every gay boy in the world: Tom Brown's School Days, Lord of the Flies, White Squall.  In 1991, the movie was Toy Soldiers.

The plot: terrorists take over an elite prep school for the sons of the wealthy and powerful, and take the boys and their headmaster hostage.  The boys use their troublemaking skills to gather intel on the terrorists, and wise-cracking operator Billy Tepper (20-year old Sean, left) sneaks out to brief the adults.

When they turn out to be ineffectual, Billy and his friends, including comic relief Snuffy (21-year old Keith Coogan, middle) and surly bodybuilder Ricky (19-year old George Perez, right), go on the offensive, incapacitating several terrorists, disabling their bomb, and leading the  younger kids to safety, just in time to be "rescued."

Other boys include the rich "jerk" Joey (19-year old Wil Wheaton, well known for playing Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: the Next Generation).

And T. E. Russell as the pragmatic Hank.

Sean Astin (Billy) was a major teen idol of the period, with roles in The Goonies, The War of the Roses, White Water Summer, and Rudy).  

Keith Coogan (Snuffy) was a former child star with credits in Adventures in Babysitting and The Book of Love.  

There's some buddy-bonding between Billy and Snuffy, but with a large ensemble cast, it's not well developed.

However, heterosexual interest is absent, except for a scene in which Billy confiscates a Playboy from one of the younger kids.  There are references to getting laid and masturbation, but no one mentions a girlfriend or a desire for girls.

Absence of expressed heterosexual desire is almost unheard-off in a teen movie of the 1990s, giving viewers permission to read one or more of the boys -- or all of them -- as gay.

And the parade of underwear-clad, towel-clad, and shirtless teenage muscle (or rather young adult muscle, since all of the actors were over 18) didn't hurt.