Simon and Milo Don't Find True Love

In the fall of 2003, after they sang the theme song for the Disney movie Get a Clue, starring Bug Hall, the Canadian pop group Prozzak was splashed across the Disney channel.  They were renamed Simon and Milo, to avoid the association with drug use.

Their music videos were animated.  Simon (Jay Levine) was short and dark haired, well dressed, with a head that had the habit of separating itself from his body.  Milo (James Bryan) was tall, blond, and muscular, a stereotypic pretty boy.  And they had a back story.

Centuries ago, they were on opposite sides of a long, harsh war.  Finally they fought each other in hand-to-hand combat.  Then a voice from the sky told them:

You have been chosen to live in a time that is not your own, sentenced to walk the Earth in search of True Love.
Only True Love holds the key to your destiny.

Wait -- that's what every boy is told growing up: "Your only reason for living is to find and win your True Love."  Dudes aren't special.

They were zapped into the 21st century, where they were sometimes in high school, sometimes adult pop musicians.  

The music videos on the Disney Channel illustrated "Get a Clue" and three earlier songs: 

"Sucks to Be You" (1998): Simon and Milo go to a bar, where he tries to flirt with a lot of women:

You need to know I finally understand

And I gotta get in touch with you now but I can't

Just wanna tell you I'm sorry

I'm a bastard, it's true

Some bullies attack.  Milo clobbers them, but instead of expressing his appreciation, he rushes to propose to one of the ladies -- who rejects him.

"Strange Disease" (1999): Simon and Milo are high school students.  Simon becomes ill with "a strange disease," so Milo takes him to the nurse's office.  But the buxom nurse only makes it worse:

A little sexual frustration

Combined with lack of motivation

And a loss of concentration

I've got a strange disease

 

"It's Not Me, It's You" (2001): Richster Simon explains to Milo that he can't maintain a relationship because the woman always dumps him:

Share the blame, I do -- relationships take two

But all that you can tell me is that, "It's not me, it's you"

As he sits, depressed and lonely, Milo is there to offer his hand.  They walk side by side into the sunset.

Every gay boy who had a crush on his best friend in high school can relate.

Maybe Simon is looking in the wrong place? 

And nothing's ever quite what it seems

Just look a little closer at me

Wake up, who knew, it's me, it's you

Get a clue

There are lots of clues.  Milo never exhibits any interest in women, and he treats Simon in an unfailingly loving manner.  Most friends would tire of Simon's constant depression and self-doubt, but Milo never hesitates, always supports him, gently waits for him to realize who his true love is.

And once, as Simon flipped through a list of potential lovers, Milo's face was there.

But Disney didn't see it that way: all of the rather extensive press about the duo talked about Simon's quest for a girl.

Nor did Prozzak. The band released a new album in 2005, Cold Cruel World, with Simon older, but still depressed, still searching for true love.  Not with Milo.