Link to the nude photos
Agatha All Along appeared without warning on my Disney Plus page, showing two elderly women and a teenager on a dark wilderness road. The teenager is Joe Locke, who played a gay character in Heartstopper, and came out in real life twice, at age 12 and 15, so no doubt he plays a gay character here. I'm not even going to bother with preliminary research.
Scene 1: An elderly woman, maybe Agatha, driving to a crime scene: she's a small town cop suspended for punching a suspect, but called back for a case only she can work on -- a woman has been found dead in the woods. Why is it always a woman, never a man?
Crushed by a heavy object, no id except for one of those old library check-out cards.
Scene 2: Wait -- her name is Agnes, not Agatha, so who is "all along"?
She goes to the library, where there's a long line to check out books. Have you been to a library lately? She cuts -- "Only suckers wait their turn" -- to ask the sarcastic librarian Miss Jones about the check-out card found on the victim.
Miss Jones: "Ooh, is she dead?"
Agnes: "Why do you assume it was a woman?" Because it's always a woman, nitwit.
Miss Jones: "It's more tit-ilating." Boob joke, har har.
They don't use old-fashioned check-out cards anymore. The book -- Dialogue and Rhetoric: Known History of Learning & Debate, was marked stolen three years ago. But there are lots of other copies in Natural Sciences. Not in English?.
Agnes hits the stacks, and there were indeed a dozen copies -- all burnt up. "There was a fire," a mysterious man whispers. Odd that Miss Jones didn't know that.
Scene 3: At the station, the Chief is played by David Lengel, who looks like Ross from Friends with a porn stash.
The body shows traces of "a particular microbial sediment found only in Eastern Europe." That makes no sense. The woman was killed across the ocean and transported to their quiet New England town.
Scene 4: In other news, Agnes has to work with the snarky Federal Agent Vidal, whom she hates. To be fair, Agnes hates everyone. They may be ex-lovers: Agnes thinks that she requested the assignment just so they could get back together.
Ex-Lover notes that there are no drag marks on the soil, nothing disturbed: the body just got zapped there, as if by magic!
Agnes scoffs. "In stories about small-town murders, it's always about the hidden secrets of the townsfolk, so let's investigate those."
Scene 5: Norm the pawn shop guy, played by Asif Ali, is examining a cameo locket that Agnes brought in: New England, late 17th century, with a lock of hair inside. He offers $200.
She just wanted an expert opinion so she could sell it on ebay, har har. Agnes is rather a jerk, isn't she?
Scene 6: Late at night, Agnes is fiddling around at the station. She discovers that the first letters of the book's title spell DARKH. So?
Later, in her huge "TV middle class" house, Agnes goes into a child's bedroom with a teddy bear on the bed and drawings on the table, and music awards: "Nicholas Scratch, First Place." Dead kid? But Nick and Scratch are both names for the Devil.
Scene 7: Knock on the door: It's the Ex-Girlfriend, with pizza! Isn't it, like, the middle of the night?
Agnes has a lead: car crash in the town of Eastview an hour before the body was found. Ex-Girlfriend wants to know if she's ever been to Eastview. "Sure, I'm a world traveler." Wait...it dawns on Agnes that she's never actually left town. How is that possible?
Next Ex-Girlfriend asks "Do you remember why you hate me?" "No." It's like it was written into the script, with no back story. Something is wrong here.
They're interrupted by a clattering -- an intruder in her bedroom, going through her stuff! She chases him out onto the roof, down a gutter, and through the deserted streets, until Debra Jo Rupp, Grandma Kitty on That 90s Show, accidentally hits him.
Scene 8: The perp is a teenager, played by Joe Locke. He's sarcastic and insulting, leading Agnes to kick him -- that's what got you suspended, Girl. Finally he admits that he broke in to look for the Road.
Agnes thinks he means the road to the murder site, so he's a suspect! "What you were doing last night between 1 and 3 am?" "Asleep in bed." "Loser!" Wait -- being asleep in the middle of the night makes you a loser?
She pulls out pictures of the murdered woman to confront him with, but suddenly they turn into pictures of flowers on someone's front lawn! He starts chanting in Latin....and now her Ex-Girlfriend has vanished! There never was a murder, so of course she would not have been called in.
Scene 9: Agnes visits the coroner's office -- no body. Until one appears, with a check-out card instead of a toe-tag, and the last person who checked the book out was Wanda Maximoff! Agnes is shocked!
Who the heck is Wanda Maximoff? Answers and nekkid men after the break
Agnes figures out the truth, but the viewer won't without research. It's a slog, so here's a random photo of Mike Guzman to keep your spirits up.
Wanda Maximoff is the Scarlet Witch in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. In the earlier series Wandavision, powerful witch Agatha Harkness zapped her memory and trapped her in a small town sitcom world. Townsfolk played various characters, and she herself dropped in as the Wacky Next Door Neighbor.
At the end of the series, Wanda regained her memory, and for punishment, trapped Agatha in the small-town world, with her powers gone, forced to live through various badly-written tv show plotlines.
Ex-Girlfriend notes that Wanda is dead, and all of the copies of the magic book Darkhold went with her, so now there's no way out.
Scene 10: Uh-oh, the story is shifting. Agnes turns into a 1980s jiggle-show aerobics instructor, then a 1950s sitcom housewife, then a 1990s liberated woman -- ugh, she's naked. The former police chief, sarcastic librarian, and coworker Herb are now her neighbors. They say that she hasn't been herself for a few days, acting like a small town cop instead of a liberated woman.
She remembers that she is Agatha, but her magic powers are gone....
Muffled screams from upstairs -- it's the Teen, tied up in the closet. So in this plotline she kidnapped him.
Ex-Girlfriend appears to kill Agatha. They sexy-fight, the homoerotic tension dripping from every lick.
More research: Ex-Girlfriend is Rio Vidal, a former member of Agatha's coven, but Agatha found the Darkhold book and betrayed her, keeping all of the magic for herself. Now she's out for revenge.
Agatha suggests that it wouldn't be fun to kill her now, when she's lost her powers. Wait until she gets them back, to make the fight more interesting.
Ex-Girlfriend agrees, but warns Agatha that the Salem Seven also want her dead, and so...
She leaves. The Teen is still in the closet. The end.
Beefcake: None. This is a very-women centered show. The IMDB doesn't list the whole cast, so I had to sit through five minutes of executive producers to get a cast list. And that only lists five men: Joe Locke, David Payton, David Lengel, Asif Ali, and Amos Glick.
Gay Characters: Agatha and Vidal act very much like ex-lovers. The Teen turns out to be gay, and in a later episode he gets a boyfriend, played by Miles Gutierrez-Riley, left and below. Miles also played a gay character on The Wilds.
Heterosexism: None.
Marvel Cinematic Universe: I watched Wandavision, but it was several years ago, and I didn't make the connection between this Agnes and that Agnes, nor was I aware that Wanda Maximoff died in-universe, in one of the Doctor Strange movies. That's been the problem with the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies: they assume that you've seen them all, and read the comic books, taken careful notes, and entered plot and character details into your vast database. "Oh, in Journey into Mystery #313, Rio Vidal mentioned that Wanda had the Darkhold book, and then in Amazing Spiderman #418, Peter Parker fights the Green Witch, who is actually the alternate-world version of Rio Vidal, and...."
Translation: you won't understand what's going on without research.
Will I Keep Watching: Not unless there are a lot more tv show parodies.
Bonus: Not a lot of cute guys in this show, so RG Beefcake and Boyfriends has a nude shot of Charles Alexander from The Wilds, and Danny Williams from a German reality show.
See also: Aaron Taylor-Johnson: Varying levels of hotness and homophobia.
Wandavision: More sitcom than science fiction
Heartstopper: A sweet, innocent story of boys in love
Marcus Adair: finance major, stuntman, bodybuilder, Jabari warrior
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