Keeping Northwest High School Under Wraps

What's up with websites that refuse to tell you the venue's geographical location?

I found this photo labeled Northwest High School, and wanted to find out what town it was in, so I could research small town beefcake.

The school athletics website listed boys' sports (football, basketball, golf, wrestling, and something called MX).

 Activities like band, choir, debate, and drama (oddly, they had pages for coaches, schedules, varsity lineup, asif they were sports teams, too).

And the various summer camps (football, wrestling, swimming, volleyball).  But nothing indicating where Northwest is.  How are you supposed to get there to see the games?







There are Northwest High Schools in California, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Louisiana, Maryland, Nebraska, Ohio,  Texas, Virginia, and probably other states.  This one is from Georgia.

No way I'm looking through them all.

The high school website had an Academic Services Directory, with information on foster care and homelessness, gifted education, GED classes, title programs, tutoring programs, and Missouri Options (for kids who are at risk of dropping out).

Aha!  We're in Missouri! That narrows it down a bit.

The Community page lists partners in the community, including the Fenton Chamber of Commerce.

Ok, searching on Google Maps for high schools near Fenton, Missouri, I managed to find Northwest High School.  It's a long, low, dismal looking building 15 miles from Fenton, in an unincorporated area.  The nearest town is Cedar Hill, two miles away, a blip on the map, nothing there but the Big River Pizza Company, an Italian restaurant, a grocery store, and a Seventh-Day Adventist Church.

No wonder they emphasize indoor sports.  Who wants to go outside into the nothingness?

The High School is just off Highway 30, on a fork between Cedar Hill Road and  Local Hillsboro Road,   There's a Subway across the street, and a gas station and a bank to the west.

If you go north/east on Highway 30, you will go through House Springs, High Ridge, Parksville, Murphy, Fenton, Sunset Hills, and finally reach St. Louis, 35 miles away.

 If you go south/west  you will go through Cedar Hill, Dittmer, Grubville, Parkway, St. Clair, and eventually Jefferson City, 100 miles away.

Sorry for the meticulous detail, but I still don't understand why none of the high school websites lists an address, or even a city and state.

Maybe they don't want anyone to watch their athletes in action.

Chesterfield, Missouri: Obfuscating High Schools and a Gay Botanist

Marquette High School is not in Marquette, Michigan, which one would naturally assume: Father Jacques Marquette (1637-1675) was the first European to visit what is now Michigan, Wisconsin, and Illinois, but he never made it to Missouri.

It's in Chesterfield, but not Chesterfield, Virginia, which one would naturally assume.  Chesterfield, Missouri, a suburb of St. Louis on the St. Charles River, formed in 1988 by the merging of an unincorported area formerly occupied by the villages of Bellefontaine, Bonhomme, Hog Hollow, and Gumbo.

Leave it to Missouri to obfuscate.  The school website leaves out any mention of the city or state.  I only found out because when you search for Tucson, Arizona swim teams on Google Images, you get the Fort Zumwalt East High Swim Team in St. Peters, Missouri, which plays against Chesterfield.

I have a question about the one black wrestler on the Fort Zumwalt team going against the one black wrestler on the Marquette team.

In March 2019 a Marquette High School student posted an Instagram photo of herself in blackface.  She claimed that it was just special effects makeup, and the school responded: "The incident did not take place on school property."

Later that month, students at Parkway Central High in Chesterfield posted a video laced wih racial slurs and threats, including chants of "slavery" and suggestions that all African-Ameicans should die.  The school responded: "The students have received consequences."

Other than its obfuscating and racially suspect high schools (albeit with interesting wrestling techniques), Chesterfield is known for its gay botanist.

Faust Park (no connection to the German scientists who sold his soul to the devil) features a historic village (open March-July), a carousel, and the Sophia M. Sachs Butterfly House, home to 2,000 butterflies of 80 species.  It's part of the Missouri Botanical Gardens, founded by Henry Shaw in 1858.   Admission is free on July 24th to celebrate his birthday.

Henry Shaw (1800-1889)  moved from Britain to St. Louis as a young man, and became so wealthy that he was able to retire at age 40 and devote the rest of his life to his interest in botany.  Aside from the Botanical Gardens, he contributed to many other Missouri institutions.  He has a star on the St. Louis Walk of Fame, along with Maya Angelou, Scott Bakula, T, S, Eliot, Vincent Price, and Tennessee Williams.

He never married; according to his biography, "he went to parties and balls occasionally,but he seemed to avoid making acquaintances among the girls; he avoided making female friends, fearful that he might fall in love."

Sure,that's one explanation for it

The Most Embarrassing Team Name at the Most Embarrassing High School

One of my grandmother's ancestors was Nathaniel Hicks, who moved from England to Long Island in 1630, when New York was still a Dutch colony.  He is in no way connected to the town of Hicksville, Long Island, founded two hundred years later.

Hicks was a common English name, a shortening of "Robert" (I don't know how). It still pops up from time to time, mostly in England, as in the strongman Graham Hicks

In Colonial America, it came to mean an unlettered, uncultured, awkward country bumpkin.  But that didn't stop people all over the U.S. from naming their cities "Hicksville" (in Arkansas, Kentucky, New York, and Virginia) or "Hickman" (California, Delaware, Kentucky, Maryland, Nebraska).

There are also Hickman Counties in Kentucky and Tennessee, and a Hickman High School in Columbia, Missouri, named after Missouri politician David H. Hickman.

Hickman High students already have the "hick" stigma to live down.  But to add to their woes, they have the most embarrassing team name in the world.

 You'll never guess it.

Ready?

The fighting Kewpies.

Kewpies (baby talk for Cupid and "Cutie") are small, chubby, naked sprites, technically androgynous but usually presumed to be girls.  They first appeared in comic strips in 1909, and beginning in 1912 they were marketed as collectible bisque, celluloid, and plastic figurines.  Never children's toys, they were usually given to lovebirds along with flowers and candy.  They became the iconic carnival prize.













One can think of few more inappropriate names for a team aspiring to be seen as rough and tough.

Hickman High adopted the Kewpie name in 1927, in honor of the Kewpie Doll slogan to "keep smiling."  And it's stuck, with mascots and logos, ever since.












And on their official school cheer:

Strawberry shortcake, gooseberry pie.
V-I-C-T-O-R-Y.
Are we it? Well, I guess, yes.
Cause we're the Kewpies of H.H.S.












No Kewpies on the wrestling uniforms.  But they are expected to "keep smiling."

Liberal Beefcake

I always thought that being "liberal" was a good thing.  If you get a "liberal" serving of ice cream, you'll get three scoops, not just one.  If the teacher is a "liberal"grader, you'll get an A.  Liberal is expansive, generous, inclusive, freely sharing its toys.  Conservative is restrictive, stingy, exclusive, unwilling to share because there isn't enough to go around.

But when I was teaching in Ohio, I found students using "liberal" as a slur.  A "liberal" serving of ice cream meant that you give away all of it, leaving none for yourself.   "He's a liberal grader" means "He gives everybody As even if they deserve Fs."

The Progressive Liberal, Daniel Harnsberger, is a wrestling villain from Richmond, Virginia.  He enters wearing a Hillary Clinton t-shirt and yells "Impeach Trump!", to the boos and jeers of the audience.  Strangely, Harnsberger actually is a liberal in real life; he imagines that he's the only Democrat in professional wrestling.

Back in frontier days, everybody has to help each other.  Being stingy meant starving to death.  So "liberal" was a valued character trait, and it gave its name to two towns in the U.S. Oddly, they are both in red states.

Liberal, Kansas, founded in 1872, was named after S, S, Roger's habit of giving water freely to travelers, a "liberal" generosity.  Today there are 20,000 people.  Sights include an aircraft museum and Dorothy Gale's house from The Wizard of Oz.

Liberal is very conservative, by the way.  It was dry until 1996.  It has voted Republican in all presidential races since World War II, and it has Republican senators and representatives. 

Liberal High School's team is the Redskins, with war paint and a tomahawk. Not very liberal of them.

Yes, I checked.  No gay student group.

Seward County Community College is also in Liberal, Kansas. Its team is called the Saints. It has 20 clubs, including Campus Messengers for Christ and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, but no gay student group, naturally.

Liberal, Missouri was founded by George Walser in 1880 as a haven for atheists and freethinkers, as a town "without a priest, preacher, church, saloon, Jesus, God, hell, or devil."

 Instead of church, they had "Sunday Morning Instruction School," where kids learned science, and evening lectures on philosophy in the "Mental Liberty Hall."  There was also a Free Thought University.

Today there are 750 people in town.  There are Bible, Christian, Baptist, and United Methodist Churches, and a high school, but the nearest restaurant is 10 miles away, in Mulberry.  The aggressively conservative townsfolk, who vote Republican as a matter of God and country, are embarrassed by the name.  Wouldn't you be, if you lived in Homophobia, California?

The high school (Go Bulldogs!) has about 100 students (31 in the senior class).  Surprisingly, they offer baseball, basketball, volleyball, track, and wrestling.  No gay groups, of course.

I couldn't find any beefcake photos, but I did find this photo of a Liberal Bulldog cross-country player being cruised by Ronald McDonald.

What's the Difference Between Joplin and Marshfield, Missouri?

Most of Missouri thinks it's in the North, but about the southern third of the state -- everything south of Rolla -- is distinctly country-western music, Confederate flags, Bible Baptist churches, and sweet tea.  And Joplin is the most distinctly Southern of them all.  At the far edge of the state, so a few miles' drive will put you in Oklahoma or...shudder..Arkansas.

If you happen to be stuck in Joplin, you can visit the hideout of infamous spree killers Bonnie and Clyde, the museum of minerals, or any of the 300 Baptist churches.  There are several evangelical Christian high schools and college, including Ozark Christian and Messenger, where you could get Leviticus quoted at you.

Ozark Christian, by the way, only offers crosscountry, soccer, and basketball.  I found no beefcake photos from them.

Or from anywhere in Joplin, for that matter, except the suburbs.

Like these two from nearby Marshfield.

I'm getting to like that Marshfield.

Quick, where do I sign up?

Turns out that Marshfield, MO is nowhere near Joplin; it just popped up during my search because Google couldn't find any swimmers, wrestlers, bodybuilders, or powerlifters in Joplin.

It's a small town of 7,000 about 20 miles east of Springfield, known for its replica of the Hubbel Telescope and a Wild Animal Safari.  Lots of Baptist churches, a Christian high school.  No Christian colleges, but you can drive into Springfield to get yelled at at Evangel University, Drury University, and Baptist Bible College.

More or less the same as Joplin, but with one essential difference.

Deciphering the Mysterious Water Polo Team Photo

This photo of buffed guys holding soccer balls over their crotches is labeled "First Year CBC JV water polo team finishes third in state tournament."

I have no idea what any of those words mean, but the sleuthing will be fun.

1 JV is easy.  It means "junior varsity," a team representing a high school or college at a level below "varsity" (the main team).  Here's a varsity swimmer with a Halloween pumpkin on his trunks.

2.   What is CBC?  Clicking on the link doesn't help: it's from a newspaper website called STLToday, with all of the text blocked out until you subscribe.  None of the menu items tells you what or where STL is.

3. I know the article was published by Katie Siebuhr in May 2012.  Googling her leads mostly to some articles by "Aaron Siebuhr,"  who lives in Toowomba, Queensland, Australia, where you can join the Coogee Life Saving Club.

4.  Finally I find another Katie Siebuhr article:  "Gateway FC Vest took on challengers across the Midwest," from the same STLToday, October 2012.  No idea what any of those words mean. Maybe Gateway is a high school?

There's a Gateway High School in Osceola, Florida, with a wrestling team, the KowBoys.  But this is in the Midwest.

5. Ok, another article:  "Eagles' Hruby good as gold this summer," in July 2010.  "American National's Brian Hruby is a St. Louis Cardinals kind of pitcher." 

Does he play for the Eagles, the American National, or the St. Louis Cardinals?

All three, evidently. The American National Eagles is a baseball program that began in 1975.  The have teams in the 15U-18U levels, and play for the SLABA (St. Louis Amateur Baseball Association).

15U means "15 and under," and 18U, "18 and under."  So what if you're 14 years old -- don't you qualify for both groups?

American National Eagle J'lil Cage (great name!) played basketball, baseball, and football at Orchard Farm High School in St. Charles, MO.

St. Charles is a northeastern suburb of St. Louis, about 30 miles away.  It has its own Gay Pride Festival.

At least now I know that STL is St. Louis.  Clever to make it so hard to figure out, STLToday!

6. CBC in Saint Louis = Christian Brothers College High School, a "Lasallian Catholic college preparatory school for young men," founded in 1850, tuition $14,700 per year.  Notable alumni include King Baggot (silent film star with a weird name) and a lot of professional soccer players.

It's not at all confusing to have both "college" and "high school" in your name.

7.  There are 16 "Christian Brothers Colleges," but only two in the U.S.  The other one, in Memphis, is an actual college (post-secondary education).

Wasn't that fun?

The Beefcake of Meh-Ville, Missouri

St. Louis suburb Mehlville, Missouri, population 28,000, draws the eye because it's spelled wrong.  The author of Moby Dick is Herman Melville.

Maybe it comes from "Meh!", the Jewish expression for "bored, not interested, don't care, whatever."

Because there's not much to do there.  It's at the intersection of Interstate 55 and 255 (the St. Louis roundabout), with a lot of fast-food places, a Wal-Mart, and urban blight as far as the eye can see.

TripAdvisor recommends Chick-Fil-A and McDonalds.

Downtown St. Louis is 13 miles away, so there is a lot of art, culture, and gay activity available.  But if you're stuck in Mehlville, you're stuck.

Except for the Meramac Valley Grotto, which is dedicated to the exploration and conservation of the many caves in the Illinois-Missouri area (this is near Tom Sawyer's Hannibal).

Sounds sort of interesting.

There are two high schools with swim teams, one smiling, the other deadly serious.










Wrestling, with the panther on the singlets going for the crotch.  Rather an odd choice.

Quite a lot of bodybuilding.

In fact, every search on Mehlville brings up Calum Von Moger, aka Callum Von Zilla, the 2014 Mr. Universe.  Except he was born in Australia and now lives in Los Angeles.  The only connection I can find is a profile that appeared in Mehlville Media, the school newspaper and news website, in November 2017.

Mehlville High also sends a troupe to the Missouri Thesbians Conference every year.

Ok, now I'm grasping at straws.

Just drive into St. Louis and go to the Bastille.

Real Raytown Beefcake

Mama's Family (1983-1990) is fondly remembered for the sharp-tongued Mama (Vickie Lawrence in old lady drag) and the blatantly displayed biceps and even more blatantly displayed package of her grandson Bubba  (Allan Kayser).  We called it the Bubba Bulge Show.

It was set in the fictional city of Raytown, somewhere in the South, where everything is named "Ray": Chez Ray, the Raymada Inn, Raymart, the Rayhound Bus Line.

The real Raytown is a suburb of Kansas City, a long rectangle surrounded on all sides by more suburbs.  There's no there there: even city hall is on 59th Street.  The most impressive building seems to be the high school.

I wondered if the real Raytown offered any beefcake that could come close to the glory of Allan Kayser.

Some nice abs on the swim team.

Wrestling team, not so much.  I prefer the guy on the losing team, with the cardinal on his thigh.

Interesting view.

Apparently Raytown gyms don't have that pesky "you must wear a shirt" rule.

More after the break.