The Most Boring, Stupid, and Heterosexist State Songs

At every school assembly when I was a kid in Rock Island, we had to sing the state song.  You were also forced to sing it at football games, wrestling matches, and political rallies:

By thy rivers gently flowing, Illinois, Illinois,
O'er the prairies verdant growing, Illinois, Illinois,
Comes an echo on the breeze.
Rustling through the leafy trees, and its mellow tones are these, Illinois, Illinois.

Has any state song been more reviled and made fun of?

Yep.  Across the river, Iowa's state song is just as bad, if not worse:

From yonder Misissippi's stream
To where Missouri's waters gleam
O! fair it is as poet's dream, Iowa, in Iowa.


Who decided that states should have official songs to be foisted upon schoolchildren and the audiences of football teams, and who decided that they should be uniformly so awful?  And heterosexist?

I took it upon myself to read the lyrics of all 50+ state songs (some have more than one).

It was dismal.  Song after song of nonsense.

This state is full of badgers, this state is full of sod,
This state is full of sandwiches, this state is under God.

New York's is hands-down the stupidest:

New York is special. New York is diff'rent' cause there's no place else on Earth quite like New York and that's why I love New York.

What, "Start spreading the word, I'm leaving today" was taken?

Contrary to what you might think, it was not composed by a 5-year old, but by Steve Karmen, an accomplished tv commercial jingle writer: "Aren't you glad you use Dial?", "When you say Budweiser," "The Great American chocolate bar."

Maryland's state song is grotesquely bloody:

Avenge the patriotic gore that flecked the streets of Baltimore,
And be the battle queen of yore, Maryland! My Maryland!

Colorado's is all about mass extinction due to global warming:

The bison is gone from the upland, the deer from the canyon has fled,
The home of the wolf is deserted, the antelope moans for his dead

Fortunately, they replaced it with John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High" in 2007.







And over half are disgustingly heterosexist, making schoolkids and football teams sing about "Aren't you glad everybody is heterosexual?  Aren't you glad those pesky gay people don't exist?"

 How many times have you heard Indiana's "On the Banks of the Wabash, Far Away," without knowing who ir what was on that riverbank?  Some guy's dead girlfriend:

Long years have passed since I strolled thro' the churchyard.
She's sleeping there, my angel, Mary dear,
I loved her, but she thought I didn't mean it,
Still I'd give my future were she only here.

Georgia has Ray Charles' "Georgia On My Mind," in which the guy thinks of his ex-girlfriend while he's in bed with other women.

Other arms reach out to me, other eyes smile tenderly
Still in the peaceful dreams I see the road leads back to you

By the way, when you google "Georgia football player shirtless," what you get is Darian Alvarez, a soccer player from Honduras.  Not that I'm complaining.

Before countering with "South Carolina On My Mind" in 1984, South Carolina's state song was a little more graphic about the guy's girlfriend getting with other guys..

Thy skirts indeed the foe may part,
Thy robe be pierced with sword and dart,
They shall not touch thy noble heart!

After that, Michigan's state song about lost love is sort of a relief.  The girlfriend is receding into the distance, while the guy moans  "What am I supposed to do without you?"

Tennessee has "The Tennessee Waltz," which we had to sing in grade-school music class; "I was dancing with my darling, etc., etc."  Missouri has "The Missouri Waltz," which has a whole complicated story about a father reminiscing to his children about his wife or ex-wife or something.

Oklahoma adopted "Oklahoma," from the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, which is all about getting married and moving to the land stolen from the Indians:

Ev'ry night my honey lamb and I
Sit alone and talk and watch a hawk makin' lazy circles in the sky

Um...you know that hawk is searching for small animals to kill and eat, right?

Utah's state song is all about Brigham Young, Family with a capital F, and the "No Child Left Behind" Act.

Utah! With its focus on family,
Utah! Helps each child to succeed.
People care how they live.
Each has so much to give.
This is the place!

I just wish these guys were from Mississippi, so there'd be ten of them.

No state song extolled same-sex friendship, and the only one with any beefcake was Alabama's, mentioning two Native American heroes with muscular physiques:

Fair thy Coosa-Tallapoosa
Bold thy Warrior, dark and strong,
Alabama, Alabama, we will aye be true to thee!

Whoops, my mistake.  Those are both rivers.

Still, I imagine that grade school kids in Alabama have a lot of fun thinking of dirty meanings to Coosa-Tallapoosa.

10 Okies from Muskogee

When I was growing up in Rock Island, Merle Haggard's "Okie from Muskogee", released in 1969, was a favorite of the country-western crowd.. The lyrics are quite dated now, criticizing hippies and anti-Vietnam War protests.

We don't smoke marijuana in Muskogee
We don't take our trips on LSD
We don't burn our draft cards down on Main Street
We like livin' right, and bein' free

But the messages have endured: 

1. Men and women should follow strict gender norms.

2. Obey authority without question

3. Support every government policy without question

4. Sex is only for married heterosexual couples. 

Haggard was actually born in California, but his parents were Okies,-- refugees from the 1930s Dust Bowl.  He chose "Muskogee" just because of the rhyme.

Whether deserved or not,  Muskogee, population 39,000, has become emblematic of a certain type of person who refuses to protest injustice because he sees no injustice.  Racism, sexism, classism, and homophobia are perfectly justified, the way life is, the way life should be.

Muskogee has one of the highest poverty levels, and one of the highest crime rates, in the U.S.  News reports: "Muskogee man charged with attacking teen"; "Muskogee man convicted of killing two Oklahomans; "Two brothers from Muskogee shot in Tulsa"

  It has no gay bars, no gay organizations, and only one welcoming church, Grace Episcopal. There isn't even a gay-straight alliance at the high school.

The main tourist draw is the Oklahoma Music Hall of Fame, a tiny building, formerly the Frisco Freight Company, which commemorates such country western stars as Merle Haggard, Woody Guthrie, Patti Page, Gene Autry, and -- well, that's all I've heard of.

It's the home of Bacone College, an "Indian University" with a B.A. degree in Tribal Languages (applied linguistics, curriculum develop, teaching methods, not any specific language).



Is there any beefcake potential in the "Okie from Muskogee" central?

1. Quite a lot of swimmers from Muskogie.

2. Caleb from Muskogee.

3. A selfie from Muskogee.

4. A wrestler from...Fort Gibson, a town next door.

5. Ok, this wrestler is from Muskogee.  The team is name dthe Roughers.

More after the break

How "I'm Coming Out" Became a Gay Anthem

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show

How can this not be a gay anthem?

You're leaving behind the years of darkness and despair, the big lie that your parents, friends, teachers, and the media have told you, that you do not exist, or if you do, you are a dangerous, deviant sinner.

You exist.  You are not a dangerous, deviant sinner. You have survived.  And now you want the world to know.

There's a new me coming out
And I just had to live, and I want to give
I'm completely positive
That I am coming out!

"I'm Coming Out" was written in 1979 by Bernard Edwards and Nile Rogers of the disco group Chic ("Le Freak").  They were actually straight, but often went to gay clubs, and one night at the GG Barnum Room they saw some drag queens impersonating Diana Ross.  They thought a song about the gay community would be a positive addition to her new album, Diana.

Disco queen Diana Ross was already a legend, with ten albums, a string of hit singles, and starring roles in Mahogany and The Wiz.  But she was also a conservative Christian who thought gay people were all evil and going to hell.

During a 1983 concert, she reportedly complained: "I have seen the evils of homosexuality; AIDS is the result of your sins."  Later she denied making the statement, blaming it on a misquote by a reporter.

But in 1979 she balked at the idea of a song about gay people.  "People will think I'm gay!  Why are you trying to ruin my career"?

So Edwards and Rogers told her it was about the "coming out" tradition of young girls who are ready to enter adult society.  And that's what she believed.

"I'm Coming Out" premiered in September 1980, and quickly moved up the charts to the #5 position on pop charts in the U.S..  Meanwhile, the gay community embraced the song.  What gay person in the 1980s didn't use it as a coming out anthem?

Diana Ross continues to be oblivious, insisting that the song is about "coming out" into society, although she has become more tolerant of her gay fans.  She says "I don't judge."

In 2007, her son Evan Ross landed a role in the movie Life Support as a HIV+ gay man, and was worried that his mother would be upset -- but only because the character smoked.

The 13 Saddest Songs of the 1970s

People who weren't there think of the 1970s as a nonstop party before the deprivation of the 1980s, with everyone doing weird drugs, having sex with everything that moved, and dancing all night long.  But there was a lot of angst going on: Watergate, the recession, gas lines, Son of Sam, Anita Bryant.  And for every lively, upbeat song about dancing queens, there was a depressing one.

And not just the usual lost-love depression.  Life is meaningless depression.  Death, despair, and agonized crying.

Here are the 13 worst, most depressing songs of the 1970s.

1. "Suicide is Painless" (Johnny Mandel, 1970).   The theme song to M*A*S*H.  Or the way you feel after watching an episode.

2. "Alone Again, Naturally" (Gilbert O'Sullivan, 1972).  Ok, this is a lost-love song at least to start off with.  His fiancee has left him at the altar, and he's planning to kill himself -- but it gets worse.  Mom and Dad die, too.

Oh, if [God]  really does exist, why did he desert me
In my hour of need
I truly am indeed, alone again, naturally

Why are you smiling, Gilbert?

3. "I Shot the Sheriff" (Eric Clapton, 1973).  He shot the sheriff, and now he's going to be executed.



4. "Mr. Bojangles" (Bob Dylan, 1973).  An old drunk has been grieving for his dead dog for 15 years.  And it gets worse.

5. "Billy Don't Be a Hero" (Paper Lace. 1974).  But Billy joins the military anyway (apparently the Civil War, not Vietnam).  He dies, of course.

Paper Lace also sang "The Night Chicago Died (1974), about his cop daddy going after gangsters.  Chicago might die, but Dad doesn't.

Why has no one heard of these guys, before or after?

6. "Seasons in the Sun" (Terry Jacks, 1974).  A guy about to die reflects on his lost innocence with a girl.

Goodbye my friend, it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
Pretty girls are everywhere.

Depressing and heterosexist!

By the way, this isn't the same Terry Jacks, but I couldn't resist the photo..

7. "Cat's in the Cradle" (Harry Chapin, 1974).  Dad neglects son, so son grows up and gets revenge by neglecting Dad.

When you coming home, son?  I don't know when, but we'll get together then, Dad.

1974 was a rough year.  But it gets worse.

8. "Rocky" (Dickey Lee, 1975).  I literally cannot tell you what this song is about.  Every time I try to type up a description, I start crying and can't hit the keyboard.

Instead, I'll give you some of the lyrics to "Patches" (1962), which is much less depressing:

I hear a neighbor telling my father
He says, a girl name of Patches was found floating face down
In that dirty old river that flows by the coal yards
In old Shantytown

Ok, he's hot, but who cares?  It's impossible to listen to his songs.

9. "Wildfire" (Michael Martin Murphy, 1975).  Her beloved horse dies, its owner dies, flowers die, and the singer dies.  Fun.

This is not the same Michael Martin Murphy, of course, but who wants to see a picture of the guy singing about everybody dying.

10. "Shannon" (Henry Gross, 1976).  His beloved dog dies.

I'm not kidding.  These songs actually exist, and were played on the radio.

11. "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" (Gordon Lightfoot, 1976).  The Edmund Fitzgerald was a real ship that sank during a storm on Lake Superior.  The entire crew of 29 drowned.  Why sing about this horrible tragedy?  

12. "Dust in the Wind" (Kansas, 1977).  Everything is dust in the wind.

13. "Baker Street" (Gerry Rafferty, 1978):

You used to think that it was so easy, you used to say that it was so easy
But you're trying, you're trying now.
Another year and then you'd be happy, just one more year and then you'd be happy
But you're crying, you're crying now

Thank God the sad song craze was over by 1979, when the top hit was "I Will Survive"

I've got all my life to live, and I've got all my love to give, and I will survive!

It's Raining Men

Humidity's rising, barometer's getting low
According to all sources, the street's the place to go.
Cause tonight for the first time, just about half past ten
For the first time in history, it's gonna start raining men

"It's Raining Men" was written in 1979, by gay composer Paul Jabara ("Disco Queen," "Last Dance") and Paul Shaffer, then a member of the house band of Saturday Night Live.  They offered it to many vocalists, including Barbra Streisand, Cher, and Donna Summer, But they all refused.  Even Two Tons O'Fun (Izora Armstead and Martha Walsh), then performing as backup group for pop star Sylvester, balked, thinking the song too weird to chart.

 Finally they agreed and released "It's Raining Men" on their third album, Success, in 1982.  They then released it as a single and performed in the music video as the Weather Girls.

In October 1982, it hit #1 on the U.S. Dance Club Chart but only #46 on the Billboard Hot 100.  It also charted well in Europe.


There have been covers from everyone from RuPaul to Geri Halliwell to the Vamps to Miss Piggy.


Of course, you can't perform it without backup dancers.  The bigger, the better.





In 2014, after a British politician blamed the UK's recent floods on gay marriage, a Facebook campaign was launched to get the song on the British charts again.  It hit #21.



Why is this a gay anthem?  It has nothing to do with liberation, and it's strictly heteronormative.  The men are raining down upon women.


God bless Mother Nature -- she's a single woman too
She took over heaven, and she did what she had to do

She taught every angel to rearrange the sky
So that each and every woman could find the perfect guy

Maybe because it's fun for gay men to think of being deluged by men, especially after growing up in a desert where same-sex desire was assumed not to exist.

It's raining men, hallelujah!

It's raining men, amen! 
I'm gonna go out, I'm I'm gonna let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet!

See also: Ocho Rios