Star Trek: Strange New Worlds. Is Scotty in love with Captain Kirk? Is Spock in love with everybody? Will Patton Oswalt take his shirt off? With Chace and Atticus d*cks

 

Link to the n*de dudes

I grew up with Star Trek: 

Reruns of the original series (1966-69), with Captain James T. Kirk (William Shatner) fighting Klingons, taking off his shirt, and kissing alien babes

The Next Generation (1987-94), with Wesley Crusher (Wil Wheaton) as a far-future teen idol and the Borg saying "You will be assimilated."

Deep Space Nine (1993-1999), with a Ferengi named Nog (Aron Eisenberg) buddy-bonding with the captain's son. 

Voyager  (1995-2001),  where Captain Janeway, her crew, and the rebels they are fighting are zapped to the other side of the galaxy.

There were no gay characters in the far-future utopia, but there were few or no gay characters anywhere on tv, so we didn't really notice.

We have long known that the original Star Trek pilot had Captain Christopher Pike (Jeffrey Hunter) insteaed of Kirk and a female first officer named Number One.  In "The Menagerie" (Episode 1.15), they were retconned as the crew of the Enterprise before Kirk took over.  

Fast forward a lot of years, and Star Trek: Strange New Worlds (2022-) features the voyages of the Enterprise under Captain Pike (Anson Mount, left), with younger versions of familiar characters Scotty, Uhuru, Nurse Chapel,  Spock, and even James T. Kirk (serving on another ship).  And in the 2020s, there's bound to be some gay representation.

I reviewed Episode 3.8, "Four and a Half Vulcans," because I figured that gay characters would be trotted out late in the series, and because a guest star is Patton Oswalt, whom I have a crush on (he's chubby and 5'3", sigh). 

Scene 1: The Enterprise heads to Purmantee III for three days of shore leave, but Number One  plans to stay behind to do work. La'an thinks that she is avoiding an old boyfriend there.  Spock asks to join them, but La'an shoos him away; they're dating, but "it's weird." 

Remember when the original Enterprise took shore leave on a planet where anything you think of appears?  (I'll take me, Adam Devine, and Patton Oswalt on a tour of the Musee d'Orsay on Christmas Eve.) The aliens who built it didn't realize that some species can't control their thoughts, but after some mishaps they make the necessary adjustments.

Cut to Captain Pike practicing defensive moves with his girlfriend.  She is so aggressive that he wonders if she is angry with him, but no, she was mad before because of "you know what you did," but she's fine now.  Just, when they get to the shore leave planet, could they stay in a nice hotel instead of camping?

Scene 2: The heterosexualizing is interrupted by an urgent message from the Vulcan High Command.  The Planet Tezaar does not yet have warp drive, so the Prime Directive states "no contact."  But the Vulcans made contact before the Prime Directive was instituted, and gifted them with a nuclear power grid.  Now the grid has to be fixed, or the planet will suffer a nuclear meltdown.  The Vulcans are too far away to do it, so it's up to the Enterprise crew.

I can't wait to see the planet.  Remember when the original Enterprise visited a planet immersed in 1930s gangster culture? Or Halloween ghosts and witches?

But they can't just disguise themselves as Vulcans.  For reasons, they have to become Vulcans, with the appropriate DNA.  200 years of advanced genetic technology says that it's impossible, but Nurse Chapel jury-rigs somethng in 20 minutes. 

Scene 3: Pike and four ladies are transformed. Hey, no fair!  The old Star Trek always had cute guys in red uniforms going along. 

 The DNA-changing serum doesn't work on  Airhead Hippie (Carol Kane) -- LSD doesn't either.  Spock (Ethan Peck, left) offers to go in her place, but no, "You're only half-Vulcan."

Excluded from the party, he seethes with hurt feelings.

Scene 4:  They relent and allow Spock to come along, but he has to carry all of their stuff.  So Pike and company are racists?  They don't like "half-breeds"?

Back on the Enterprise, the Bridge Crew (which consists entirely of women) is shocked when the away team enters the structure immediately and repairs the grid in a few seconds -- they thought it would take hours.  Me, too.  I was expecting Tezaan culture, some misunderstandings, maybe some arrests, like we saw on the old Star Trek all the time.  We didn't even see the planet's surface!

They beam up.  At least there are two guys in the transporter room! The one on the left is Doctor M'Benga (Babs Olusanmokun), who according to the Star Trek wiki has four ex-wives, and the other may be Scotty, the future ship's engineer  -- pushing 60 when he's in James Kirk's crew a few years later, but here played by 30 year old Martin Quinn. 

I can't tell if Martin Quinn is gay in real life or not: he does comedy povs where he's gay, but some where he's straight.  Who cares?  At least he and M'Benga bring some testosterone to this episode of Girls Gone Wild: Outer Space.

Uh-oh, the away team can't turn back to human!  Something went wrong with Nurse Chapel's serum!  I saw that one coming a mile away.

Spock is noticeably upset, envisioning a future of racial harassment and discrimination.  

Scene 5: They are examined by the doctor. Nurse Chapel suggests that when she spent 20 minutes developing the serum, she was a stupid human and made a mistake, but now that she is a far superior Vulcan, she'll be able to fix it and make them human again.

Spock suggests that the others be quarantined until the cure is developed, as being Vulcan will play havoc with their personal relationships, but they disagree: as far superior Vulcans, they'll be much better at being friends and lovers. 

The doctor say ok, but no shore leave.

More after the break.

Jack Barlow: "Real Housewives" teen, Mormon missionary, hair-care guru, gay tease. With n*de and b*ondage photos.

   

Link to the n*de and b*ndage photos

Instead of doing this profile in chronological order, I'll go in the order that I conducted the research.

Jack Barlow suddenly appeared on my Instagram "suggestions," displaying his physique on the beach -- in a pink swimsuit.  Oviously gay!

But on his Instagram page, the pink swimsuit shot is followed by a barrage of photos of Jack going to rodeos and concerts, celebrating his 21st birthday, eating French crepes, bragging about how good he smells, all with his arms around his girlfriend, his future wife, the love of his life.

Ok, ok, you're heterosexual.  The cover photo was just a tease. 

After 831 girl-hugging photos, we come to another gay tease: Jack displays his physique on the beach again, holding a gigantic phallic surfboard.  Followed by a new barrage of girl-hugging.

You're hung, but nature has "prick'd thee out for women's pleasure," I get it.

A third photo depicts a younger Jack sunbathing with his Dad, but the absence of women transforms it into a masculine space, and..

We get a gay-subtext commercial for Fresh Wolf, a Men's Grooming Line created by Jack and his brother Henry -- shampoo, body wash, pomade...pomade?  Didn't that go out in the 1940s?

 

According to their website, Fresh Wolf supports Black Lives Matter and donates a portion of every sale to "foster care and displaced youth."  About 40% of runaway and homeless youth are LGBT, but that is not mentioned on the very obviously gay-coded photos. 

Who wants to see Jack tied up?  (On RG Beefcake and Boyfriends)  

It is actually a photo manipulation from DeviantArt.  Now I'm wondering why Jack is so famous that he draws fan artists.  

I find out after the break 

"Cavendish": Brothers, one gay, face paranormal peril in a quirky PEI town. With Sandiford drawers and Canadian hunks

  

Link to the n*de dudes

Sorry, fixed the link.

Amazon Prime has been releasing a lot of British "cozy mysteries." where you run down to High Street to find the village baddy murdered, have the constable tell you to "let the police handle it", but solve it yourself with the help of your cat.  They're sort of comforting in dark times. So when Cavendish appeared, I assumed that it was a cozy mystery and clicked on it without doing any research.

Surprise: It's actually about a quirky small town in Canada.  Think Schitt's Creek, Corner Gas, and Trailer Park Boys; for a quirky First Nation community, North by North; or Kim's Convenience and Running the Burbs for a quirky Toronto. I'm in.

Scene 1: Brothers Mark and Andy are a standard id-superego couple: "Let's streak through Parliament Hill"/"I can't, I have to write an article on potatoes." They cross Confederation Bridge into Prince Edward Island, Mark singing the songs to the Anne of Green Gables musical (the books are set on PEI).  Andy is tired of hearing show tunes.  Wait -- show tunes?  Mark is gay.

Back story: when they were four and eight years old, their mom and dad divorced, and they left Cavendish, PEI.  They haven't spoken to Dad since, but they're returning now because he's dying.

More back story: When he was a kid, Mark didn't realize that Andy was only four years older; he thought he was an adult, "Dad's friend who lived with us."   A gay partner?

Scene 2: Dad and his new girlfriend Ruth run The Museum of the Strange and the Fantastic out of their house. Sounds cool.  She remembers Mark from when he was a kid, and used to come to her shop, but she doesn't remember Andy, and assumes that he's Mark's boyfriend.  Andy has been mistaken for a gay partner twice, har har.  He'll turn out to be straight.

We get a tour of all the "cool crap" in the museum, like a UFO, an Egyptian sarcophagus -- and a fetus in a jar?  

Ruth's niece, the monotone-speaking Goth Brynn (think Lily from Duolingo), works at the musuem.   No doubt Mark have a crush on her, but she will keep him in the Friend Zone until the season finale, when they kiss (Like on Friends, Cheers, Family Matters, Schitz Creek...well, every sitcom ever).  

In other news, it's Beast Day, when a beast emerges from the woods in search of someone to consume, so the stores are all closed, and everyone stays home.  Brynn made a drawing, which we can't see because "he's got a lot of anatomy going on."  Goth Girl likes...um...anatomy.

Left: Mark Little and Andrew Bush are members of the Halifax-based comedy troupe Picnicface.

Scene 3: Their old room is exactly how they left it  -- sports trophies, teddy bears, a picture of a tv puppeteer and the girl Andrew had a crush on. Ten to one the grown-up version is hanging around to become Andy's Love Interest. 

After Girlfriend Ruth sets out the scraps of meat for the Beast, it's time for dinner.  Dad comes in wheezing on an oxygen machine...but it's a prank!  He's fine!  Andy is miffed: they just came because they thought Dad was dying.

Mark hugs Dad, but Andy stays in his seat, fuming.  "Andy, how's the stick up your ass," Dad asks.

"So, how about apologizing for abandoning us?"

"Sure.  I'm sorry -- that you have such an enormous stick up your ass."

"We're leaving first thing in the morning!" Andy yells.  

"Good.  Then I can go back to pretending you're dead!"  Dad storms off.

Scene 4: POV of the Beast as it snorts and growls up the steps and eats the offering of meat scraps and milk -- and attacks Dad!  

Just a dream -- but Mark's scream awakens the whole house.  In other news, Dad is missing for real!

They call Constable Gibbs. Andy thinks he went to a hotel so he wouldn't have to spend the night with them, but Mark finds his blood-stained robe in the yard.  

More after the break.