18 teen idols who grew up to appear n*de on screen or post d*ck pics for fans. Caution: some are homophobic

 

Link to the n*de photos

You crushed on him when you were a kid or a young teen, when you dreamed of nothing more intimate than touching his hand. Then you grew up and moved on to other loves and other fantasies, and he grew up and moved on...to what?   Does he have boyfriends and lovers?  Is he straight but an ally?  Or has he sunk into the slough of homophobic hatred? And, just as important, will he give his old and new fans a glimpse of his beneath-the-belt gifts?

Here are 18 child and teen stars whose grown-up d*cks have appeared online, in movies, in photos or videos uploaded for fans, or occasionally through leaks.  I'll also accept photos/videos that may or may not be "really" him, if the face and physique are close enough.  Even a well done artist's interpretation is fine. After all, seeing a d*ck is always better than not seeing a d*ck      

 1. Michael Seater (top photo). The buddy-bonding paranormal investigator went on to "girls! girls! girls!" movies, but is queer in real life and posts several pics.

2. Giovanni Ribisi.  He was cute as Phoebe's brother on Friends.  Then he starred in a series of depressing art-house movies, but at least he gets n*ked on camera.

3. Dan Benson.  (left) Justin's gay-vague buddy on The Wizards of Waverly Place has found a new career, showing his stuff and reviewing adult products on OnlyFans.

4. Shane Harper.   From Good Luck Charlie to Christian movies, but he shows us his d*ck anyway.

5. Willie Aames (left) . Scott Baio's buddy (named Buddy) on Charles in Charge swam n*ked in a Blue Lagoon rip-off called Paradise, before he transformed into the gnarly, dessicated, and fundamentalist Bibleman.

6. Jake Thomas (left).  Lizzie McGuire's bratty little brother and the snobbish Stickler on Corey in the House has posted a video that never shows his face. 

7. Gavin MacIntosh.  Connor, the gay kid on The Fosters, grew up to post so many photos that it took two profiles to show you the highlights.

8. Drake Bell.  In 2022, the Drake and Josh schemer revealed thatabuse from a staff member ruined the show for him and has scarred him for life.  I still posted the photos from the videos he made a couple years ago, but they make me sad.  Maybe you'd rather see his costar Josh Peck's backside.

9. Atticus Mitchell.  My Babysitter's a Vampire, Stonewall, "now I can be who I am," but who is he?  He has several n*de photos online, but he still won't come out.

More after the break.  

Not Suitable for Work: A 2020s "Friends" with two breakups, two meet-cutes, three d*cks (two visible), fashion, finance, and a gay guy turned straight.

Link to the n*de dudes

The first three episodes of Not Suitable for Work (2026) just dropped on Hulu.  It's advertised as "five twenty-something professionals" in Manhattan struggling with careers and relationships.  

Sounds familiar.  I've already seen New Girl (with Max Greenfield, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) Happy Endings (with Zachary Knighton),  Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (with Victor Rodriguez III), and the grandad of them all, Friends:

The first episode synopsis of the new series gets all creepy: "Whoa -- two girls live across the hall from three guys. Yeah, I'd watch that, leer leer."  But according to Decider and Meecham Meriweather's blog, there's a gay character, Kel, played by Nicholas Durvenay.  So I'll watch for gay representation.

There are five interlocking plotlines.  I'll separate them for clarity.

Dudebro Davis

Behind a giant stock ticker, Dudebro Davis (Will Angus) is getting yelled at by HR for having an office romance: "relationships with coworkers are forbidden." 

"If I have to choose between love and work, I'll choose love!"

The next morning, Dudebro tries to bring his girl breakfast in bed, but she's dumped him.

He asks his roommates why girls keep breaking up with him, even though he has a great body and a high-paying job.  

"Maybe you come on too strong, falling in love instantly."

He heads to work. Coworker Jocelyn (queer actress May Hong) notes that she hurt her Achilles tendon, but the nurse at Urgent Care was kind of cute.  She doesn't specify a male nurse, and most nurses are ladies.  I'll bet she's queer.

Coworker Dileen renewed his vows with his wife over the weekend.  Dudebro responds with "God, I'm so lonely!"  You had a girlfriend like 30 seconds ago.  You haven't had a chance to become lonely yet.   Dileen advises him to start off as a friend, then move gradually into romance.

But when Dudebro walks into work the next day, he is so stunned by the sight of the Girl of His Dreams that he drops his coffee.  And she turns out to be his new coworker!   He stumbles over himself trying to "welcome" her, introducing her to the coworkers, giving her the company password, and so on.  But when he offers to help with her assignment, she's offended: "I graduated from a top university with a degree in this, and I've done it 38,000 times on two internships with top firms!  I don't need help!"  Uh-oh, you're blowing it.

Gay Dude Kel

At medical school, the teacher announces that today they'll be examining cadavers, including their genitals, "which may be swollen."  Gay Dude Kel doesn't want to do it: "Is there a vegan option?" No.  He removes the sheet and exclaims "That dude's real dead" -- and faints. Haven't you studied anatomy, bro?

 

Cut to Gay Dude discussing a call-back for an acting job with Rich Kid Josh (below). 

"How can you handle acting and med school?"

"It's easy.  I just don't sleep."

On his call-back audition, he is asked to do a monologue where he tells his dad "I'm nothing.  I'm useless."  Next he is asked to do a freestyle rap.  It wasn't mentioned in the audition call. He tries, performs badly, and is ushered out.  

Back in the cadaver lab, Gay Dude decides that he doesn't want to cut open an "uncircumsized cadaver." So it would be ok if he were circumsized?  He doesn't enjoy med school, so he's quitting.  Right now.

When Gay Dude breaks the news to the guys, they are shocked.  "But you don't have a job, and when your mom finds out, she's going to kill you."

"Who cares?  Now I can concentrate on my acting."

The next day, Gay Dude meets his sister  at the coffee shop and explains that he hates medical school, and is droppping out.  "I just need you to help me think of how to tell Mom."  Uh-oh, the sister invited Mom.  Here she is, wanting to take the Christmas card photos with her talented doctor children.  Gay Dude chickens out of telling her.

Rich Kid Josh

Rich Kid Josh (Jack Martin) and his girl are doing stuff. Shirtless, but he moves around too much for a good screen shot  He stops to check his cell phone, which annoys her. It would annoy me, too.  You're literally in the middle of the act.  But he has to check the time of his interview --a PA job on The Wes Dryden Show, a big deal. 

You've seen Jack Martin as the villainous RA in Pizza Movie.

Later, his roommates complain about the girlfriend taking up so much space, so he offers to move with her into the apartment next door.  It's occupied by Fashionista Abby (below), but she's living there illegally, so he'll order her to move out.

In the morning, Rich Kid appears at his interview.  He tells Boss Patricia that even though he's the CEO's son,  he wants to go through the ranks like anyone else.  "Nope, it's not going to happen. You're not qualified.  Next!" 

On the way out, Rich Kid runs into Wes Dryden (Victor Garber), flatters him, and drops CEO Dad's name. "Oh, and I'm applying for a PA job on your show."

Cut to Rich Kid announcing to the guys that he got the job!  

The next day, Wes Dryden introduces Rich Kid as the new PA. Boss Patricia is angry: she wanted to hire a girl who's been interning there for two years.   She calls Josh into her office and asks "Do you know how I got this job?  I married Wes."

Victor Garber's d*ck is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Update: it was very small and blurry, so I got rid of it.

"But you're both gay."

"It was the 1990s.  He needed a lavender marriage for his career, and I needed a promotion."  The point is, she's angry that all Rich Kid had to do was say his name, so she's going to keep him from moving up in the industry.

That night, the girlfriend brings Rich Kid  "his favorite" (that's so annoying; all anyone ever eats on tv is their favorite). 

In other news, she's dumping him.  She fell in love with a real estate agent, brother to The Property Brothers (stars of a Canadian DIY show). 

More after the break

Giovanni Ribisi: Cute on "Friends," then dreary, depressing, homophobic art-house movies. At least he shows his d*ck

 

 Link to the Giovanni d*ck

I first saw Giovanni Ribisi on Friends, where he had a recurring role as Phoebe's cute, naive younger brother Frank (1995-2003).  

His plotlines were extensively heterosexist -- it was Friends, after all.   Eventually he falls in love with a much older woman (Debra Jo Rupp of That 70s Show), and asks Phoebe to be the surrogate mother for his child.

But at least he had nice biceps.

The 21-year old actor, son of a talent agent and a musician, had been on screen since he was 9 years old, with recurring roles in The New Leave It to Beaver, Davis Rules, My Two Dads, The Wonder Years, and Family Album, and guest shots practically everywhere.

Here Teddy and Boz (Giovanni, Stephen Dorff) rib their "dateless amigo" Bud Bundy on a 1989 episode of Married With Children. 

As a young adult, Giovanni had a lean, rugged frame and a handsome but quirky  face.  I got such a strong gay vibe that I expected a lot of gay characters or subtexts in his work.  Instead, he played a lot of brooding, depressed heterosexuals in art-house movies: 

SubUrbia (1996): a group of teens in small-town Austin, Texas (of all places) experience angst and want to escape.   Nice physique, buddy

Lost Highway (1997):  A neo-noir by David Lynch, so of course it makes no sense.  No men show their stuff, as one expects from Mr. Lynch, but there are lots of lady parts.

First Love, Last Rites (1997): Two Generation X-ers, Giovanni and a girl, do bedroom stuff and are bored.  

More after the break

"Goosebumps: The Vanishing": Ross from "Friends" as a crazy botanist, some gay teens, a monster, and Sam McCarthy's....

 

Link to the n*de dudes

Goosebumps: The Vanishing has dropped on Hulu, the second season of the Goosebumps series, based on the popular children's books.  I can't tell if it is episodic or not at this point, so I just clicked on Episode 1, which stars David Schwimmer., Ross from Friends, and teen idol Sam McCarthy.

Scene 1: Brooklyn, 1994. Bill Clinton is in the White House, I'm in West Hollywood, Mariah Carey is topping the charts, and Friends premieres on CBS: 

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A

 Four teens (Sameer, Matty, and two girls) descend into eerie catacombs, until they come to the room where "they conducted medical experiments."  They're doing a "truth or dare" thing where they have to spend the night.

Sameer: "I'm not scared.  I just like to sleep n*de, and it could get a little awkward."  

Uh-oh, Matty's kid  brother Anthony followed them!  Mom's going to be furious.  Matty forces him to leave.

Suddenly a machine switches on, gas squirts out, and Matty's face dissolves.   A gruesome image.

Scene 2: Brooklyn, 2024.  Teen twins Devin and Cece (Sam McCarthy, Jaden Bartels) exit the subway and complain about having to leave their friends in Manhattan to live with Dad, the grown-up Anthony (a craggy, dissolute-looking David Schwimmer). He picks them up in a car.  Are you sure this is Brooklyn?

At home, Dad Anthony yells at neighbor Trey, also called James Junior, for blocking his driveway. "But your mom always let me park there."

"She didn't have a car."

Inside, the living room is crowded with boxes.  Back story: Dad has moved into this house after his mother went into assisted living with dementia, and he's going through her stuff.

In other news, "I've really been looking forward to your aunt's brain surgery."  WTF?  Who looks forward to that?  He means because then they can come live with him.  

Wait -- the twins are living with their aunt, not their father?  What's wrong with him?

The micromanager passes out his extensive list of rules, but emphasizes that the main rule is: "Stay out of the basement." He gives them a tour: he's a botanist, working on a lot of plant types that will revolutionalize the botany world.  Shouldn't you be working in a lab somewhere?   But stay out!

Scene 3: Dinner at Gwendolyn's restaurant.  Gay couples at the tables behind and in front of them. Back story: Cece is starting debate camp tomorrow. She hates it, but you need "a thing" to get into college. 

Next up, Devin: He claims to be ok, given "everything that happened," but he was suspended for getting into a fight.  Nope, not gay.  

CJ drives up on his motorcycle.  Dad introduces him to the twins. Back story: he's working here, at his parents' restaurant, for the summer.  Dad suggests that maybe Devin would like to work there, too.  Playing matchmaker, buddy?  I don't have any hope that he'll be gay, but there may be a gay-subtext buddy-bond between him and Devin.

He has to make a delivery, but the guys are all meeting at the park later. "Y'all should come."  Maybe specify which park, and what time?

Scene 4:  On the way home, Dad sends the twins inside so he can chat with a crying woman in a car. She notes that the father of Trey/JJ, the neighbor who Dad argued with, stopped by the police station to file a harassment complaint. According to the Google AI, harassment consists of repeaed acts that cause the victim to "fear for their safety,"  Telling someone to not block your driveway certainly doesn't count.

The woman promised to talk to Trey/JJ's Dad, but "be careful.  He's big on conspiracy theories." 

In other news, she managed to pull some strings and retrieve his brother's things from the night he and his friends dissolved.  . Moldy clothes with dissolved Matty all over them, from 30 years ago? 

The woman has been thinking a lot about that night, but Dad doesn't want to hear it.  He cuts her off and heads inside.

Scene 5: The twins come downstairs while Dad is arguing with his ex wife on the telephone. Wait -- they were living with their aunt, but she's having brain surgery, so they moved in with Dad.  Why weren't they living with their mother?

Dad assures them that although they hate each other, they both love the twins.  He made burnt waffles, which they reject.  It's the next morning. What happened to meeting the guys in the park later?

Left: This show is a little beefcake-light, so here's a photo of Sameer, one of the melted teen (played by 28 year old Arjun Arthalye).

More Sameer after the break

"Bangkok Love Stories": Lots of cute Thai guys, but no temples or gay bars

Of course I'm going to watch a tv series in the Thai language, which is not related to Chinese, Vietnamese, or any other of the major languages of East and Southeast Asia.  Even if it has a stupid title: Bangkok Love Stories: Innocence.

My first thought: there's nothing innocent about these twinks falling in and out of love with each other.

My second thought: where did the rest of the world get the idea that Bangkok was just about s*x? Sure, it's is an essential part of any trip, but Bangkok has enough cultural treasures for a month of sightseeing:  the Grand Palace, home to Thai monarchs from 1782 to 1925; the Suam Pakkad Palace: Wat Pho, with its 148-foot long Reclining Buddha.

None of which appear in the first episode.  There are no interesting location shots.

My third thought:

So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A

(I often have no choice but to watch Friends on the treadmill at the gym).

This group of zany friends are:

1. Rachel...um, I mean Claudia (Nida Patcharaveerapong), who has a terrible job at a salad bar, where she has to fend off handsy customers all day.

2. Joey...um, I mean JC (Kawin Manonukul, top photo and left),who has a terrible job at a KFC, but his real passion is parkour (urban acrobatics).  He's into Claudia.

More after the break

The Top 8 Hunks of "Cougar Town"

 

I'm most of the way through Season 1 of Cougar Town (2009-2015) on Amazon Prime.  Thankfully, the premise of older women dating younger men has long been abandoned (although the title sticks around; it really should be called Wine,  since everyone has a wine glass in their hand at all times). 

Most of the characters have changed dramatically since the pilot.  Now it's Friends, with the friends middle-aged instead of young adults:

From left to right:

Dimwitte hunk Joey: dimwitted hunk Bobby.

Nerdish Ross and aggressive Rachel: nerdish Andy and aggressive Elle.

Micromanaging, anxiety prone Monica: micromanaging, anxiety prone Jules.

Dotty Phoebe: dotty Laurie.

Sarcastic Chandler, who ends up with Monica: sarcastic Grayson, who will end up with Jules.

Plus teeange Travis.

It's pleasant to watch the trivial daily problems of rich white people, especially when they form a close-knit family group (which, come to think of it, was the main draw for Friends).  But the attitude toward gay people is problematic.  

Teenage Travis pretends to come out to the babysitting Grayson (the sarcastic one) so he'll be allowed to have his girlfriend over.  Andy notes that he has fallen for the trick before: "He made me go to two Pride parades."  He says it like it's a humiliation.

Andy has an unrequited crush on Bobby (the nerd), which everybody knows about and plays with:

Elle: Go off with your boyfriends, Bobby and Grayson.

Andy: Only Bobby is my boyfriend.

When Laurie's Mom thinks that she and Jules are a couple, she asks "Which of you is the dude?"  Ok, Mom is ignorant, believing that lesbian relationships are divided into masculine-feminine.  But instead of educating her, they play along, arguing on which would be "the dude" if they were a lesbian couple.

In another episode, the friends play the "Everybody is a little gay" game, which involves getting a guy to admit knowing about or liking a girly thing, then yelling "Caught you!  You're a little gay!"  So being gay means being feminine?  And being "caught" suggests that it's a humiliation.

In the same episode, they discuss whether guys can have women friends without wanting to have sex with them.  Grayson thinks it's impossible; Jules tries to prove him wrong by calling every male friend she's had since junior hig.  They all admit that they wanted to have sex with her (most are still interested_.

But...but..you know about the existence of gay men!  Did you forget?

Not homophobic enough for me to stop watching, but troubling.

I read ahead in the plot synopses.  No gay characters appear, but Elle and Jules pretend to be a lesbian couple to get some of that gay privilege  (a standard plot device in the 1990s), and Grayson gets way upset when someone implies that he is gay (a whole episode devoted to it!).

Maybe I'll stop watching before the show gets more homopbobic.  But I do like beefcake: none of the regulars seem to own shirts, and there's a never-ending smorgasbord of hunks for Jules and Laurie to date or one of the guys to be friends with.  Most appear for just one episode, but here are some who stick around for awhile: 

1. Ryan Devlin as Smith Frank, the sophisticated, wealthy college boy whom decidedly unsophisticated Laurie dates (top photo).

2. Shawn Parikh as Sig, Travis's college roommate.  No beefcake photos, but people of color are so rare on this show that I wanted to include him anyway.

3. Nick Zano as Josh, the young guy whom Jules dates until he says that he loves her.  Then, of course, she has to dump him.

4. Edwin Hodge as Wade, a soldier whom Laurie dates until he becomes too clingy.

5. Scott Foley  as Jeff, an "arrogant" (that is, sexy) real estate client whom Jules dates until he asks for a commitment.  Apparently girls just wanna have fun.

6. Ryan Biegel as Doug.

7.  1980s hunk Lou Diamond Phillips as himself.

8. David Clayton Rogers as Matt, whom Jules hooks up with.

See also: "The Chair Company": A chair conspiracy, a queer kid, a ginger chub, weirdness for its own sake, and corporate dicks.

Cougar Town

"Cougar Town": Can A Rich White Heterosexual Get Laid at Age 40?

Gay men in their 40s and 50s are twink magnets.  By the time you reach your 60s (which I did last month), you are at the pinnacle of hotness; you have to swat them away.  It's considered perfectly normal in gay communities for a couple to differ in age by 20 or even 30 years.  Apparently straight men in their 40s and 50s have sorority girls lining up to have sex with them.  But heterosexual women over 40 are perceived of as "gross."  If they manage to get a younger guy interested, they are ridiculed: "What's wrong with you?  You're not a sexual being!  Act your age!"

That's the premise of Cougar Town (2009-2015), which Bob and I just started watching on Amazon Prime.  Jules (Courtney Coxm who had just finished playing a young adult on Friends) is in her 40s and recently divorced , though I'm not sure why:  her ex-husband Bobby (Brian Van Holt, above) is her best friend, always stopping over to offer advice on the crisis du jour.  

She lives in a palatial McMansion on a cul-de-sac on South Florida with her teenage son Travis (Dan Byrd), who is embarrassed by everything she says or does. 

She has a great job as a high-power realtor, selling McMansions to noveau-riche Florida couples.  

Her best friend (Christa Miller), who lives next door with her husband (Ian Gomez) and new baby, is constantly inviting her over for "wine and Scrabble."  

Sounds like a perfect life.  So, if this were a musical, what would Jules' "I want" song be about?  Sex.

I want to get laid today, or next week, or sometime before May.

But I'm 40 -- yuck!  And gross!  And all the men my age are broken, married, or gay.

So, why not date guys in their 20s?  Because then everybody will make fun of her.  She makes fun of the "cougars," who date guys young enough to be their sons.  

But why the double standard?  Both Bobby and her cul-de-sac neighbor BJ (Chris Zylka, left) bring home a different young girl every night.  Plus she gets encouragement from her party-girl coworker (Busy Phillips), who is in her 30s, and man-hungry boss (Carolyn Hennesy), who is in her 60s; both of them bring home guys in their 20s every night.  

So Jules gets out there and scores a hookup with the hunky Matt (David Clayton Rogers).  

Complications ensue: ex-husband and son catch her giving Matt a blow job by the pool (ex: "Hey, you told me you didn't like that!")..  

So when they begin a relationship, Jules insists that they sneak around: Matt hides until after her son leaves for the night  with his friend Ryan (Lil J McDaniel), and has to leave himself at 5:00 am, before any of the neighbors wake up and see him.

In the second episode, Jules is upset because she has no "war stories" about her wild 20s: she got pregnant and married at age 22 (no wild college days)?  So she goes out for a wild night, only to find that she's too old to stay up until 3:00 am, she gets drunk on two beers, and trying an athletic sexual position throws her back out.  

So, is it ok for people in their 40s to play Scrabble, watch tv, and go to bed by 9:00 pm, or are you supposed to be hanging out at the bars into your 60s?  I don't understand what this show is getting at.

In a subplot, Jules accidentally used a sexy picture for her realtor signs, and a junior high kid (Tyler Steelman) keeps stealing them to masturbate to (why does he need a roomful?).  Jules finds this extremely embarrassing, and tracks him down to yell at him.  What's the problem?  She has no control over who finds her attractive.

Rich People:  These people are all so affluent that their problems seem trivial, but that may be the pandemic talking.

White People:  The map in the opening seems to be zeroing in on Fort Myers, Florida, where 34% of the population is white, but here, Hispanic people do not exist. Two minor characters are black: Travis's best friend and the bouncer at the club (Gregory Hinton), to whom Jules says "Wow, you are really black!"

Gay People:  No. Several cast members have played gay characters in other series, but here, everyone seems obsessed with heterosexual sex except Travis.  But his main job is to be embarrassed by his mother, so he didn't really have time in the two episodes I watched.

Beefcake: Tons.  There are two shots of Courtney Cox in bikini underwear, but other than that, it's all shirtless and underwear-clad men all the time.

My Grade: The problems of rich white heterosexuals in 2009, which seems like ages ago. I would have put up the lack of gay and ethnic minority representation back in the day, but not anymore.   Meh.

The Unique Gay Romance of "Crashing."

In Britain, "property guardians" move into an abandoned property that wasn't designed for permanent habitation in the first place -- an office building, a school, a warehouse.   In exchange for "protecting" the property, they get cheap rent, about 55 pounds a week ($400 a month).  The downside is, the place is usually falling apart, with inadequate plumbing and heat, no bathrooms, no kitchen...

The upside is, there's lots of room for comedy material.

Crashing is a British tv series (2016-), now on Netflix, about a group of young adults who become the property guardians at an abandoned hospital.  Big, spooky rooms where people once got sick and died, now used for comic misunderstandings and buddy-bonding, sort of like Friends if they lived in the entire apartment complex, and had more snogging.

1-3. Anthony (Damien Molony, left) negotiates the sexual tension with Lulu (Phoebe Waller-Bridge) and his fiancee Kate (Louise Ford).

4.-5. Hip French artist Melody (Julie Dray) pursues the portly middle aged Colin (Adrian Scarborough), though he can't for the life of him figure out why.

6.-7. Effervescent real estate agent Sam (Jonathan Bailey, who gets blond highlights and a beard so he doesn't look exactly like Damien Molony) courts the uptight Fred (Amit Shah).  Each claims to be "not gay."

The reviews all skip over 6.-7., concentrating on 1.-.3 and calling it a "two girls and a guy dilemma" sitcom, Archie torn between Betty and Veronica.

But the gay romance  is what makes the series unique.

Episode 1: Sam and Fred bond at a party scavenger hunt.  Piggy back ride, forehead bumping, forehead kissing, "beautiful eyes," "handsome face," but each claims that he's "not gay."

Episode 2: Sam lures Fred away from his dull office job for a wild day of rebellion.  They end up in bed together.  Fred hugs Sam, who protests: "This ain't never going to happen!  Ever!"

Episode 3:  Fred, who has admitted that he is gay, starts dating the effervescent Australian Will (Lachie Chapman).  Sam explodes in jealous rage.

Episode 4: Sam and Will compete for Fred's affection.  They get into a fight.  Sam tries to get them to break up by seducing Will, but it doesn't work.  So he has sex with Lulu instead.

Episode 5:  Will gets a new flat, and asks Fred to move in.  Sam seethes.  He accosts Will in the shower.   They kiss.

Fred finds out about the kiss and freaks out.

Sam claims that he was trying to tempt Will on purpose to prove that he's a bad guy.  Will claims that Sam is in love with him but won't admit it.  Everyone gets into a fight.

Will turns out to be a controlling jerk who insults Sam and all of his friends.  They break up.

Episode 6:  Fred and Sam are still at loggerheads.  Fred wants them to be lovers, and Sam insists that he is not gay, so they can only be best friends.  Then Fred collapses, and goes to the hospital.  Sam admits that he's in love with him.  They kiss.

Oh, I almost forgot, the other couples have romantic complications, too.  Melody and Colin and Anthony and Lulu end up together.  I think.  I wasn't really paying attention to them.

More Homophobia on "Friends": This Time It's Serious

March 9, 1995, a Thursday night.  I always watch Seinfeld at 9:00, and then at 9:30 occasionally the Seinfeld knockoff Friends, about a group of younger, less cynical friends negotiating small-town Manhattan.  Mostly because the first ads promoting the show displayed them in their underwear; they haven't been shown in their underwear since, but one can hope.

Tonight's episode is called: "The One Where the  Monkey Got Away."

The pet capuchin monkey of nerdish paleontologist Ross (David Schwimmer) escapes while his crush Rachel (Jennifer Anniston) is babysitting.  The friends all search, but run into a recalcitrant neighbor and the revenge plans of an animal control officer (Megan Cavanaugh) whom Rachel bullied in high school.

At the end of the episode, they all share stories of the horrors of high school life, except for horndog Joey (Matt LeBlanc): for him, high school was "just four years of parties and dating and sex."

Chandler (Matthew Perry) morosely states that he went to a private boys' school: "Any sex I had would have involved a major lifestyle choice."

A major lifestyle choice?  Is he kidding?

A MAJOR LIFESTYLE CHOICE?????

This is not the era of the Reagan-Bush conservative retrenchment.  We're in the heart of the relatively gay-positive Clinton years.  Roseanne had been kissed by a lesbian admirer; there was a gay wedding on Northern Exposure.  There are gay partnership laws, anti-discrimination ordinances.  The horrendous "Don't ask, don't tell" policy is being challenged in the Supreme Court.

It's not exactly safe in the straight world beyond gay neighborhoods, but it's safer than it has been in over a decade.

Then Chandler said that?

I knew that Friends was heterosexist, extolling male-female romance as the meaning of life.  I knew that the guys ridicule each other's slightest gender misstep as evidence that they are gay.  But this isn't minor, veiled, "panic-over-touching-a-dude" homophobia.  It's open, brutal, disgusting.

Who is responsible for this outrageous slap in the face of every gay person on Earth?

The episode was written by Jeff Astrof and Mike Sikowitz.

Jeff Astrof (left) wrote eight other episodes of Friends.  More recently he has written and been executive producer of Grounded for Life, The New Adventures of Old Christine, and S*** My Dad Says (yes, there really was such a program), and Partners (about two best buds, one straight, one gay).

Mike Sikowitz (below) co-wrote the episodes, collaborated with Jeff Astrof on most of his projects, and also wrote/produced episodes of The Class (which had a gay character and a gay-stereotyped straight character who shrieks "Oh, my popovers!"), Rules of Engagement, The McCarthys (which has a gay character), and Welcome to the Family.  

He has a film writing credit in 2014: Larry Gaye: Renegade Male Flight Attendant.  I'm not kidding.

Neither of them seem the faces of evil, exactly.  They're just really, really ignorant, believing that gay men were born straight, but at some point made the decision to turn into flitting, wispy creatures who shriek "Oh, my popovers!" Lesbians, conversely, made the decision to turn into butch, short-haired creatures who grunt a lot.

Another question: why didn't someone speak up?  Director Peter Bonerz?  Creator David Crane, or guest star Megan Cavanaugh, who are both gay?

Why didn't anyone insist that the line be changed to something less ridiculously homophobic?

How about "any sex I had would have required the words out of and closet."

How about "any sex I had would have required a whole new 'birds and bees talk'."

How about "any sex I had would have barred me from donating blood for the rest of my life."

30.4 million people watched.  The next week's episode had only 29.4 million, perhaps the result of 1,000,000 gay people and allies turning off Friends forever.

I didn't watch Friends again, except for the nine episodes with Giovanni Ribisi as a guest star.  He was cute, so I figured I could handle the hatred.

See also: The Homophobic Small Town Manhattan of "Friends."