Gay icons Dolly Parton and Tim Curry (Frank in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show") both died on August 25th, 2026. so I wanted to find some way to get them both in the same story, and Pontius and Stacy from "The Righteous Gemstones" seemed ideal as a modern-day Brad and Janet.
Link to the NSFW version
There’s a light at the Frankenstein place
Stacy giggled. “Do I look know anything about cars?”
The Sweet Transvestite
“Do you have a brother named Meat Loaf?” Pontius asked.
Frank glared at Riff Raff. “Um…have you met my boy toy, Rocky? When I was just a sweet young thing, I built a man...with blond hair and a tan. He’s good for relieving my…tensions.”
Stacy looked him up on his cell phone, and showed Pontius. A muscle hunk from the 1950s! “Yeah, let’s do that.”
They watched Hercules Unchained (1958), with Rocky shadowing the action like in a midnight move. Riff Raff didn’t watch, but occasionally Frank summoned him for more popcorn or soda.
It’s not healthy here
“Um…er, no not at all,” Frank said, reluctantly putting himself into position.
“Great. Got a condom?”
“No need -- my superior alien physiology is impervious to human diseases, and I can’t be a carrier, either. You see, my antibody production…”
“Hmm…maybe you’d better go downtown, so I don’t have to listen to you talk…or sing.”
Later Stacy told him that Rocky tried the same thing, pretending to be Pontius – but being about twice Pontius’ size and nonverbal gave him away quickly. Fortunately, Stacy was able to communicate being a bottom...
This wasn’t a random visit
They were roused to dinner at 3:00 am – just Pontius, Stacy, Rocky, and Frank, but Magenta tossed out the mismatched plates and silverware, and served the roast pork by throwing slices across the table. Fortunately, she left the applesauce in a gravy boat alone.
Halfway through the meal, Riff Raff appeared and whispered something in Frank’s ear. He shrieked “So!” and threw off the tablecloth, revealing a mannekin. “My man Riff Raff has been corresponding with the Google AI, and they have revealed something most troubling. This wasn’t a random visit, was it, Pontius. Or should I say, Pontius Gemstone!”
“I don’t know what…”
“Your father is Jesse Gemstone, isn’t he, and your grandfather is Eli Gemstone, who founded the biggest e-van-gel-ical organization in the world, as seen in the reality show The Righteous Gemstones.” He poked a finger at Pontius’ chest.
“That was mostly fiction,” Stacy said. “They killed off my character, but in real life I was just shot in the shoulder."
“They killed off Gideon’s old boyfriend Scotty, too,” Pontius added.
“Well, Gideon really thought he died in that car crash. He didn’t find out that Scotty was alive until last year."
“And they turned me into a homophobe. Can you believe, the first word my character said was a gay slur? And I’ve been out as bi since I was twelve!”
“Enough!” Frank shrieked. “The point is, it’s an organization dedicated to destroying the lives of trans kids and making it a crime to be gay. An organization that screams of hellfire to those who are different!”
Pontius laughed. “You’re way behind the times, Grandpa. Most Evangelicals today are total gay allies. My Uncle Kelvin won an Evangelical award for his work with queer youth. My granddad performed his wedding – and it wasn’t his first gay wedding.”
"Oh...." Frank looked disappointed. “Well..er…I guess we can go straight to the floor show.”
Floor show?
The Floor Show
As far as Pontius could tell, it was Frank’s way of promoting his philosophy of LGBTQ inclusion. He put everyone in make-up, high heeled shoes, and fishnet stockings, and used alien mind control technology to make them sing about their secret desires.
First Rocky:
I’m just fifty-three years old, so beautiful it makes men sick
But somebody should be told, I’ve got a brain bigger than my d*ck.
Now the only thing that gives me hope, is my love of mocking that dope
Somebody give me a job at the Harvard Lampoon.
Then Stacy:
I feel in love, blue skies all above
I want a marriage with just one man, no more hookups for me..
My fate is with this Gemstone boy, I don’t need no muscle toy
Somebody give me a white picket fence and a home
Then Pontius:
It’s beyond me, help me, Grandpa
I’m too young to settle down, I wanna be wild and free…
Before he could continue, the door burst open, and Riff Raff and Magenta entered, wearing silvery alien costumes. Riff Raff pointed a ray gun at them and sang:
Frank N Furter, it’s all over. We’re all still prudes back home, we only dig cis-hets.
I’m your new pastor, you now are my parishioner.
We resume conversion therapy, prepare the de-gaying tests.”
“You're supposed to be an advanced alien civilization, and you still have conversion therapy?” Stacy exclaimed. “It’s outlawed here on Earth. It doesn’t work, because there’s nothing to cure you of.”
Riff Raff flashed him an evil smile. “If there’s no cure, than the only answer is…e-rad-i-cation. This ray gun can be set to stun, to kill, or to evaporate.” He aimed the beam at Frank, but Rocky jumped in front of him and got hit instead. He growled, but wasn’t injured.
"Dude, let’s talk this over,” Stacy said. “You don’t want to commit a homophobic hate crime. Think of the bad publicity it would give your planet. The other aliens would shun you. And forget about conquering other worlds…”
Dolly Parton burst in, carrying a bow and arrow.
“A drag queen!” Riff Raff screeched. He turned the ray gun to her. She shot her arrow into his hand, and the gun went flying. Then she grabbed and roped him like a calf.
"I’ve…I’ve always been a fan,” Magenta said, trembling with fright. “ I loved you in Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.”
“Then git!”
It was dark, it was raining, the narrow country road was heading nowhere, and on the radio, there was something about demolishing the Washington Monument to build a 50-foot tall golden statue.
"Turn that junk off!” Stacy told his boyfriend Pontius. “I’m tired, I’m cold, and I’m not in the mood.”
“Ok, ok, chill, Stace. How about Dolly Parton?”
“Your Grandpa’s bff?”
“She was actually my Grandma’s bff. They recorded an album together.” Pontius didn’t like to talk about his family much, because it was so complicated – and seedy. It seemed like someone with a grudge against his granddad, world-famous Evangelical preacher Eli Gemstone, showed up every single year. There were kidnappings, murders, assassins on bikes. He actually met Stacy when the guy was shoot by a serial killer targeting Grandad Eli. He wanted a nice, normal life with the cutest guy he had ever seen, but fate kept them jumping from adventure to adventure.
“Go ahead, put on some Dolly,” Stacy told him. “ She always cheers me up.”
Pontius pulled up the “Greatest Hits” album his phone and sighed as she began “Two Doors Down.”
It had been a bad day from the start. Well, not waking up with Stacy in his arms at the Charlotte Hilton. Breakfast was ok. But the last session in the Queer Youth Conference was bogus, all about handling internalized homophobia and religious guilt. It was 2026. Who felt guilty about being gay or bi anymore? They wouldn’t have gone at all, but they promised to report to Uncle Kelvin, who was running the queer youth ministry at the Salvation Center.
They got a late start, and then they had to detour around Columbia, and then they took a wrong turn onto an endless country road in rural South Carolina. No mile markers, and the GPS wasn’t even working.
Crunch! A flat tire. Of course! Stacy pulled over to the side of the road.
“Do you have roadside assistance?” he asked.
“Sure. but…no bars. I can’t call.” He hesitated. “ I’m a poor litle rich boy – we had drivers, chauffeurs, and auto mechanics on staff, so I never learned how to do anything but get gas – maybe. I don’t suppose you know how to change a flat tire?”
“I don’t know,” Pontius said. “When I look at you, all I can see is how hot you are.” He drew Stacy in for a kiss.
“Hey, didn’t we pass a castle a few miles back? We could stop by and see if they have cell phone reception. Or maybe they have a land line.”
“A castle in South Carolina, Stace?”
He shrugged. “Maybe it’s part of a Medieval Times restaurant, or a miniature golf course. Anyway, unless you have a better idea….”
The “castle” was more like one of those counry mansions built by the robber barons in the 19th century, all Gothic spires, with a central tower and a greenhouse dome. When they knocked, a middle aged man, balding but with long blond hair, answered the door and said “Hello” in a weird faux-British accent.
“Hi, I’m Pontius, and this is my boyfriend Stacy."
He stared. “You can call me…Riff Raff.”
“Underdog role playing -- cool! So, Riff Raff, our car broke down. Could we use your phone to call a tow truck?”
He continued to stare. “Hmm…I think you’d better ask the Master about that.”
The Master? Pontius nudged Stacy. Were these guys into a BDSM master-slave relationship?
He led them through the parlor, past a huge assortment of Goth relics – stone gargoyles, a statue of a bear, a skeleton in a coffin. The Master must be a Heavy Metal rocker.
“You’re very lucky that the Master is home tonight. Usually he’s out with his…um…affairs.”
“You’re lucky!” came a voice from above – It was a woman with frizzy black hair, dressed in a maid’s outfit, sliding down the staircase bannister! “I’m lucky, we’re all lucky, ha ha ha!”
When she got to the base, she curtseyed. “What’s your favorite color?”
“Huh?”
“Magenta! My name is your favorite color, Magenta! Like pink, but hotter!”
“Oh – I was going to say blue,” Pontius told her. “I’m digging the French maid outfit, but your accent is slipping. It sounds Eastern European.”
“It’s Transylvanian! We're aliens from the planet Transylvania." She paused expectantly. Did she think they would be surprised?
"Cool," Pontius said, covering a yawn. "My brother dated Jimmy Olsen, who works for the Daily Planet, and one time in Metropolis he introduced us to..."
"Shall we continue?" Riff Raff interrupted. "It's astounding -- time is fleeting. Madness takes its toll."
Through two more knicknack-filled rooms and into a space that looked like a ballroom.
“The Master will be down presently,” Riff Raff said. “He’ll want you out of those rain-soaked clothes.” He started pulling off Pontius’s shirt, and unzipping his pants. The maid Magenta did the same with Stacy.
A blond hunk fumbling with his shirt? His cell phone had bars now, but calling a tow truck could wait….
Stacy was not as enthusiastic about Magenta. “Wait a minute – I’m gay! Could I get Riff Raff? My boyfriend Pontius is bi – maybe he’ll be into the French maid scene.”
She sneered. “Transylvanian maid. But you can relax, femme boy. I just like to watch. In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention, well secluded, I see all.”
“Ok, then, we’ll both take Riff Raff,” Pontius said. He reached down and tried to fondle his chest, but the blond dude pushed his hand away.
The Sweet Transvestite
With a loud clank, an old fashioned elevator descended, and out came a hot guy in a dominatrix outfit, with fishnet stockings, high heels, pearls, glam makeup and an old-time movie star hairdo. Pontius nudged Stacy “Dibs.”
The Master began to sing: Don’t get strung out by the way I look – don’t judge a book by its cover. I’m not much of a man by the light of day…
“Don’t say that,” Pontius interrupted. “There’s nothing wrong with being femme. Actually, I prefer femme boys.” He put his arm around Stacy.
“Um…ok….I’m just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania..”
“Not cool, dude,” Stacy said. “Those oldster terms are offensive. You’re a drag queen, not a transvestite, and it's transgender, not transsexual. And how can everybody on a whole planet be trans?"
“It's just a song, ok?"
Pontius held out his hand. "I'm Pontius, and this is my boyfriend Stacy."
"Charmed. My name would be too complicated for your tiny human minds to comprehend, so you can call me Frank. Frank N Furter.”
Pontius and Stacy both started giggling. “You’re an advanced alien species, and that’s all you could come up with?” Stacy said.
Frank glared at Riff Raff. “Um…have you met my boy toy, Rocky? When I was just a sweet young thing, I built a man...with blond hair and a tan. He’s good for relieving my…tensions.”
Rocky was a silver fox muscleman, in his 50s, wearing only a golden jockstrap. He flexed as he walked.
Stacy nudged Pontius. “Dibs.”
Rocky held out his hand and grunted.
"I'm afraid my man is nonverbal. I never could get the esophagus right, but everything else works. A deltoid and a bicep, a hot groin and a tricep makes me...shake. Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the..."
“We have a flat tire, “ Pontius began. “We came in to use your phone, but we have bars now, so we can be on our way. Unless…” he said hopefully.
Frank began to sing: Why don’t you stay for the night? I could get you both rooms. We could listen to some Dolly Parton tunes. Or if you want something visual, that’s pretty groovy, We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.
“Who?”
“Who?”
More after the break
Stacy looked him up on his cell phone, and showed Pontius. A muscle hunk from the 1950s! “Yeah, let’s do that.”
They watched Hercules Unchained (1958), with Rocky shadowing the action like in a midnight move. Riff Raff didn’t watch, but occasionally Frank summoned him for more popcorn or soda.
It’s not healthy here
When the movie ended, Pontius expected someone to suggest some hookups. Maybe with Stacy, Rocky, and Magenta the French Maid. Wait, Stacy wasn't into ladies. How about Stacy, Frank, and...no, Stacy wasn't into femme guys, either. This was getting complicated.
But no one suggested anyything. Frank yawned, said something about needing his beauty sleep, Rocky grunted, and they disappeared. Riff Raff took their arms and led them to separate blue and pink rooms.
“That’s ok, we’re a couple,” Pontius told him. “We can sleep together.”
“I’m afraid the beds are too small to accommodate two such…strapping young men. You’ll have to part, and reunite for dinner. It’s at 3:00 am.”
Aliens had dinner in the middle of the night, after sleeping for a few hours? Well, when in Rome…
Pontius was just starting to doze off, when the door burst open, and Stacy came in. “It’s no good here,” he whispered. “These aliens are unhealthy – I think they’re trying to get with us.”
“Hey, you’re not Stacy – he wouldn’t mind that. We have an open relationship.” He pulled off the wig. “Frank?”
“I’m afraid so, Pontius. But isn’t it nice?” He tried to throw Pontius’ legs in the air.
“Yeah, great, but I’m a top. And I already was with someone this morning, so I may take awhile. You don’t mind?
“Um…er, no not at all,” Frank said, reluctantly putting himself into position.
“Great. Got a condom?”
“No need -- my superior alien physiology is impervious to human diseases, and I can’t be a carrier, either. You see, my antibody production…”
“Hmm…maybe you’d better go downtown, so I don’t have to listen to you talk…or sing.”
Later Stacy told him that Rocky tried the same thing, pretending to be Pontius – but being about twice Pontius’ size and nonverbal gave him away quickly. Fortunately, Stacy was able to communicate being a bottom...
This wasn’t a random visit
They were roused to dinner at 3:00 am – just Pontius, Stacy, Rocky, and Frank, but Magenta tossed out the mismatched plates and silverware, and served the roast pork by throwing slices across the table. Fortunately, she left the applesauce in a gravy boat alone.
Halfway through the meal, Riff Raff appeared and whispered something in Frank’s ear. He shrieked “So!” and threw off the tablecloth, revealing a mannekin. “My man Riff Raff has been corresponding with the Google AI, and they have revealed something most troubling. This wasn’t a random visit, was it, Pontius. Or should I say, Pontius Gemstone!”
“I don’t know what…”
“Your father is Jesse Gemstone, isn’t he, and your grandfather is Eli Gemstone, who founded the biggest e-van-gel-ical organization in the world, as seen in the reality show The Righteous Gemstones.” He poked a finger at Pontius’ chest.
“That was mostly fiction,” Stacy said. “They killed off my character, but in real life I was just shot in the shoulder."
“They killed off Gideon’s old boyfriend Scotty, too,” Pontius added.
“Well, Gideon really thought he died in that car crash. He didn’t find out that Scotty was alive until last year."
“And they turned me into a homophobe. Can you believe, the first word my character said was a gay slur? And I’ve been out as bi since I was twelve!”
“Enough!” Frank shrieked. “The point is, it’s an organization dedicated to destroying the lives of trans kids and making it a crime to be gay. An organization that screams of hellfire to those who are different!”
Pontius laughed. “You’re way behind the times, Grandpa. Most Evangelicals today are total gay allies. My Uncle Kelvin won an Evangelical award for his work with queer youth. My granddad performed his wedding – and it wasn’t his first gay wedding.”
"Oh...." Frank looked disappointed. “Well..er…I guess we can go straight to the floor show.”
Floor show?
The Floor Show
As far as Pontius could tell, it was Frank’s way of promoting his philosophy of LGBTQ inclusion. He put everyone in make-up, high heeled shoes, and fishnet stockings, and used alien mind control technology to make them sing about their secret desires.
First Rocky:
I’m just fifty-three years old, so beautiful it makes men sick
But somebody should be told, I’ve got a brain bigger than my d*ck.
Now the only thing that gives me hope, is my love of mocking that dope
Somebody give me a job at the Harvard Lampoon.
Then Stacy:
I feel in love, blue skies all above
I want a marriage with just one man, no more hookups for me..
My fate is with this Gemstone boy, I don’t need no muscle toy
Somebody give me a white picket fence and a home
Then Pontius:
It’s beyond me, help me, Grandpa
I’m too young to settle down, I wanna be wild and free…
Before he could continue, the door burst open, and Riff Raff and Magenta entered, wearing silvery alien costumes. Riff Raff pointed a ray gun at them and sang:
Frank N Furter, it’s all over. We’re all still prudes back home, we only dig cis-hets.
I’m your new pastor, you now are my parishioner.
We resume conversion therapy, prepare the de-gaying tests.”
“You're supposed to be an advanced alien civilization, and you still have conversion therapy?” Stacy exclaimed. “It’s outlawed here on Earth. It doesn’t work, because there’s nothing to cure you of.”
Riff Raff flashed him an evil smile. “If there’s no cure, than the only answer is…e-rad-i-cation. This ray gun can be set to stun, to kill, or to evaporate.” He aimed the beam at Frank, but Rocky jumped in front of him and got hit instead. He growled, but wasn’t injured.
"Dude, let’s talk this over,” Stacy said. “You don’t want to commit a homophobic hate crime. Think of the bad publicity it would give your planet. The other aliens would shun you. And forget about conquering other worlds…”
Pontius walked over and touched Riff Raff’s shoulder. “You know, I liked you from the moment I first saw you. I was hoping that you would come to my bedroom tonight instead of Frank.” He moved his hand down Riff Raff’s arm to his hand, and tried to grab the ray gun.
Riff Raff broke away. “You didn’t like me!" he shrieked. "None of you liked me, except my sister, and even she wouldn’t go all the way! I was going to exterminate Frank and let you humans go, but now you’re all doomed!” He aimed his ray gun.
Suddenly they heard someone singing from down the hall, to the tune of “Jolene”: “Riff Raff, Riff Raff, Riff Raff, Riff Raff – please don’t hurt my fans just because you can.
Riff Raff broke away. “You didn’t like me!" he shrieked. "None of you liked me, except my sister, and even she wouldn’t go all the way! I was going to exterminate Frank and let you humans go, but now you’re all doomed!” He aimed his ray gun.
Suddenly they heard someone singing from down the hall, to the tune of “Jolene”: “Riff Raff, Riff Raff, Riff Raff, Riff Raff – please don’t hurt my fans just because you can.
Dolly Parton burst in, carrying a bow and arrow.
“A drag queen!” Riff Raff screeched. He turned the ray gun to her. She shot her arrow into his hand, and the gun went flying. Then she grabbed and roped him like a calf.
"I’ve…I’ve always been a fan,” Magenta said, trembling with fright. “ I loved you in Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.”
“Then git!”
She ran out.
“You boys ok?” Dolly asked.
Pontius rushed back to hug Stacy. “We’re fine..”
“What about you aliens?” she asked Frank, cowering in Rocky’s arms.
“Right as rain, but I think I’m heading home – Transylvania is not nearly as homophobic as Riff Raff said. That’s the last time I let Vance Simkins recommend a servant.” He pulled a lever, and a green portal opened. “I see blue skies through the tears in my eyes, when I realize I'm going home. Coming, Boy Toy?”
“Are there any humor magazines on Transylvania?” He followed Frank through, and the portal closed.
"Wait -- Rocky can speak?" Pontius asked.
"He's got a degree in English literature from William and Mary. He wants to become a comedy writer. We talked about it last night after...."
"Ahem!" Dolly said.
"Oh, right...so, Dolly, how did you find us?"
“I was judging a drag show over in Aiken, and your Granddad called and said you disappeared somewhere around here. So I tracked you to this castle.” She sighed. “I hate Aiken. The people are nice and all, but there’s too many homophobic aliens around. And vampires.
“You boys ok?” Dolly asked.
Pontius rushed back to hug Stacy. “We’re fine..”
“What about you aliens?” she asked Frank, cowering in Rocky’s arms.
“Right as rain, but I think I’m heading home – Transylvania is not nearly as homophobic as Riff Raff said. That’s the last time I let Vance Simkins recommend a servant.” He pulled a lever, and a green portal opened. “I see blue skies through the tears in my eyes, when I realize I'm going home. Coming, Boy Toy?”
“Are there any humor magazines on Transylvania?” He followed Frank through, and the portal closed.
"Wait -- Rocky can speak?" Pontius asked.
"He's got a degree in English literature from William and Mary. He wants to become a comedy writer. We talked about it last night after...."
"Ahem!" Dolly said.
"Oh, right...so, Dolly, how did you find us?"
“I was judging a drag show over in Aiken, and your Granddad called and said you disappeared somewhere around here. So I tracked you to this castle.” She sighed. “I hate Aiken. The people are nice and all, but there’s too many homophobic aliens around. And vampires.
I see blue skies
Dawn was just starting to lighten the sky as Dolly called roadside assistance and drove them toward their car.
“Blue skies all above,” Pontius said.
“Huh?”
“What you sang during the floor show. I want a marriage and just one man, no more hookups for me. Did you mean it, or was it just alien mind control?”
‘Um…well, it depends on what you want," Stacy told him. At the floor show you sang about being too young to settle down, wanting to be wild and free, so I thought..."
"I was just scared." Pontius took his hand. “I know it’s a big ask,” he called to Dolly in the front seat, “But since you and Grandad are best friends and all, would you consider singing at our wedding?”
Dawn was just starting to lighten the sky as Dolly called roadside assistance and drove them toward their car.
“Blue skies all above,” Pontius said.
“Huh?”
“What you sang during the floor show. I want a marriage and just one man, no more hookups for me. Did you mean it, or was it just alien mind control?”
‘Um…well, it depends on what you want," Stacy told him. At the floor show you sang about being too young to settle down, wanting to be wild and free, so I thought..."
"I was just scared." Pontius took his hand. “I know it’s a big ask,” he called to Dolly in the front seat, “But since you and Grandad are best friends and all, would you consider singing at our wedding?”
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