Cheers: Where Nobody Knows Your Name

In the mid-1980s, Americans were afraid.  We had a crazy president who wanted to start a nuclear war (not as crazy as the Orange Goblin, though). People thought that AIDS could be transmitted through drinking water and mosquitoes.  Unemployment was as high as during the Depression, the violent crime rate higher than ever before in history.

 No wonder people wanted to go to a place "where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came."

Cheers (1982-93) was must-see tv, as in all your relatives and everybody at work talked about it constantly, so you had no choice but to watch.

The premise: Sam Malone (Ted Danson) flopped as a ball player due to his alcoholism, so he opens a bar in Boston (really?) and begins love-hate sniping with his stuck-up Ivy-League grad student barmaid Diane (Shelley Long), and later with neurotic bar manager Rebecca (Kirstie Alley).

Other cast members included earthy barmaid Carla (Rhea Pearlman), dimwitted bartender Coach (Nicholas Colassanto), replaced after the actor's death by Woody (Woody Harrelson), and two bar patrons, the rotund Norm (George Wendt) and the talkative Cliff (John Ratzenberger).

In spite of the theme song,  no one knew any gay names.

Gay patrons came to the bar in only one episode.  The gang sees two metrosexual guys talking and laughing, thinks they're gay, and is about ready to string them up, when Diane reveals that the real gay guys, two bears, have been masquerading as part of the mob.

Carla is particularly homophobic.  "If they keep coming out of the closet, there won't be any men left, and I'll have to. . .ugh!" she says, imagining sex with Diane.

Not only is the bar gay-free, there aren't any significant homoerotic subtexts.  Cliff and Norm are buddies, but reject any hint of affection.  The female characters seem as boy- crazy as Betty and Veronica in Archie comics: Carla has a dozen kids with many different men; Diane leaves two men at the altar; Rebecca has an unrequited golddigger crush on a millionaire.

Sam was the hunk of the series -- Ted Danson even posed for Playgirl (not nude) -- and two other male cast members warranted gazing.

 1. Woody (before Woody Harrelson, left, got craggy and redneck).

2. Hockey player Eddie (radio personality Jay Thomas, previously seen on Mork and Mindy), Carla's love interest for a season.  But since almost all of the action occurred on two sets, the bar and Sam's office, there was little opportunity for disrobing, thus no beefcake.

Not a lot of gay allies in the cast.  Kirstie Alley was rather aggressive in "defending" John Travolta from the "insult" of gay rumors. Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson have both played swishy gay stereotype.

In 1993, stuffy psychiatrist Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer) spun off onto his own series, Frasier, which lasted for another 11 years.

The top 12 guys with penises in "The Boys," an Amazon Prime superhero spoof

 

  I really don't want to review an episode of The Boys.  First, I heard it was homophobic, with a swishy gay villain, two bisexuals turned straight, "bury your gays" violence, and gay sex portrayed not only as disgusting and vile, but downright dangerous.

Second, Amazon keeps pushing it as the most amazing, remarkable, incredible tv series of all time, or rather the greatest artistic achievement of all time.  Forget Shakespeare and the Sistine Chapel -- future generations will fill libraries with analyses of why The Boys is so wonderful.  I hate that absurdly over-zealous hyperbole.

But viewers on Reddit are expressing horror, disgust, and dismay over the rampant male nudity.  Which I can understand -- if you're aiming your program at an audience of homophobic men, you shouldn't be surprised if they don't like to look at penises. 

But I like to look at penises, so do you mind if I post 12 of them instead of summarizing an episode?

1. The Boys features a team of corrupt vigilante superheroes led by Billy Butcher, played by Karl Urban, top photo.   He blames Highlander, #3 below, for the death of his wife. Hey, the guy was in Bent.  Isn't that about gay men sent to concentration camps during the Holocaust?  Weird project for someone who's homophobic.

2. Hughie, played by Jack Quaid, here covers his penis in a room full of lady BDSM tops. He's got a dead girlfriend, so their cliche motives are equal.

3.Antony Starr as Homelander, the leader of the Seven, an even more corrupt superhero group.  He's one of the two guys who got straightwashed for tv.

4. Jesse Usher, left, as A-Train, a member of the Seven.  Hey, I was promised a plethora of penises.  Could the homophobes mean just a bulge?

5. Chace Crawford as the Deep, another member of the Seven, shows his butt with his octopus-sex partner coiled around him.

6. The next seven people in the cast list are women, and the eighth is a young boy. It takes a lot of scrolling down to get to Matthew Edison, who appears as mortal journalist Cameron Coleman for ten episodes in Season 3.  Here he is tied up naked, with his butt sort of visible.

Maybe it's the one-shot swishy villains and bury-your-gays expendables that show their dicks.  I'll check them after the break.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Nude photos of Trench, Mr. Freeze, The Terminator, Conan, and an Austrian fitness model

Link to the nude photos

Arnold needs no last name.  He almost single-handedly took bodybuilding out the realm of  Muscle Beach physical culturists and Italian sword-and-sandal movies and created the genre of Man-Mountains. His superlative physique and distinctive Austrian growl have been parodied innumerable times, on Saturday Night Live, on Seinfeld, on Tiny Toon Adventures).    It's hard to leave a room temporarily without being tempted to use his signature line from The Terminator, "I'll be back," or Terminator 2, "Come with me if you want to live."

Already a Mr. Universe and nearly a Mr. Olympia, the 21 year old Mr. Schwarzenegger moved to the United States in 1968 with his best friend Franco Columbu, to become an actor.  He posed for a lot of fitness magazines, including the gay-coded Tomorrow's Man.  In the 1970s he was the subject of more conventional semi-nude paintings by Jamie Wyeth.  In the 1980s, photographs by Robert Mapplethorpe.

I had a friend in the 1980s whose bathroom featured what looked very much like a nude photo of Arnold, clipped from a fitness magazine.  It's not the black and white flexing photo that's available everywhere; this one was in color, and showed Arnold standing on a hillside.

His first starring role was in Hercules in New York (1969), which nobody saw.  His accent was so bad that his lines were dubbed.

He starred in Stay Hungry (1976), about a young man, drawn into the world of bodybuilding, and in The Jayne Mansfield Story (1980), asMansfield's muscular husband, Mickey Hargitay.

More Arnold after the break

"My Fake Boyfriend": Entitled guy in a gay mecca can't find a boyfriend in spite of his huge cock

 

My Fake Boyfriend, on Amazon Prime: After Andrew is dumped, he concocts a plan to get even.  The "my" in the title suggests that Andrew has been dumped by a boyfriend, but you never know: I've been fooled before.  The icon shows a man, two women, and a male-male duo, so no help.  I'll have to watch to find out.

Opening credits: While a guy raps about how many women he has sex with, videos, pictures, and cartoon-character versions of the cast slide in and out of the screen at breakneck speed, from all directions, sometimes colliding with each other, along with multiple emojis and social media comments.  None stick around long enough to see clearly, but I think I can make out laughing, dancing, and hugging, men with women, men with men, trios, groups. 

Scene 1: Two shirtless guys, black and white, both muscular but quite ugly, trying to dance in front of a tropical backdrop.  Ugly #1 berates Ugly #2 for his poor choreography, but Ugly #2 insists that it will be fine: a few mistakes make you seem real and get you more "likes" on your social media page.  

He then fills in his name: Andrew, played by Kenan Lonsdale, top photo.  It's actually spelled another way, but the i and y ar in such unexpected places that it's impossible to get right. Keiyinan?  Keyinan?  Keiyyinan?

Anyhow, the RG website has a nude photo, at least according to ShyGuy22 -- Live Journal.  LeakedMeat also offers an "exclusive jerk-off video."  

More about Ugly #2: He's a Stuntman working on the soap opera  Hampton Bay, the soap starring Ugly #1 (Nico, played by Marcus Rosner, left).

They have been hooking up on the down low, but now The Star wants to be monogamous and announce their love to the world.

Whoops, Stuntman sees The Star's phone.  Another guy is texting him!   "Dessert at my place? Eggplant emoji." Cheating already!  No, the Star claims that it's just a random fan having a fantasy.

Scene 2: At a fancy-healthy eatery, Stuntman complains to his buddy Jake.

Jake is played by Dylan Sprouse of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, not the twin who posted dick pics online.  It's impossible to find any shirtless pics of this guy except for "before and after" illustrations in articles that gush "look, Dylan was a pile of disgusting flab, and now he's the hottest stud in the universe!"  Actually, I can't tell the difference.  Which is supposed to be "before"?

Back to the movie: the close friends who have known each other for years decide that this is a good time to answer the question "what do you do?"  We already know about the Stuntman .   Buddy Jake is an award-winning graphic designer relegated to grunt work.  

Buddy Jake has been watching the show, and reveals a "tell" so the Stuntman will know when the Star is lying.  We see it during a montage: "I didn't send anyone a dick pic";   "Got to go meet my personal trainer at 2:00 am."  "I didn't fart."

Just as the guys' quinoa-arugula wraps arrive, their third friend (Sarah Hyland of Modern Family) bursts in and kisses Buddy Jake.  So Andrew has only straight friends? So much for gay community.

The straight couple lays down the law:   "Nico keeps cheating, and you keep going back to him.  Dump him, or we'll unleash the nuclear option.  No more Nico!"

Scene 3: As days pass, Stuntman continually recites "No more Nico!" at the gym, on the set, while painting his apartment.  But when the Star invites him over for a hookup, he accepts.

Buddy Jake tries to keep him from backsliding, but the Stuntman tricks him into playing chess with an inscrutable Asian stereotype.  While they are playing, he rushes over for the hookup and rushes back. 

Scene 4:  On the set, choreographing a fight, Stuntman tells his opponent that the Star has changed.  She doesn't buy it: he's "hot garbage."  

The director interrupts them: it's time to shoot the scene.  This time Stuntman is kicked through a window -- to a room where the Star and Troy, the guy he is stunting for, are kissing!  

Angry, Stuntman tracks down Buddy Jake and his girlfriend or wife, who has not yet been named (IMDB calls her Kelly).   Buddy Jake suggests "Let's go suck some dicks."  So Jake is bi, and the girlfriend/wife doesn't expect monogamy.  Why should Stuntman?

They head to a gay bar in the Village.  Buddy Jake points out the bears, twinks, daddies, and otters.  A very inclusive establishment!  Stuntman doesn't like it. Next up: a leather disco. Stuntman doesn't like this one, either.  Then a cowboy bar on Christopher Street with no dancing. Wait -- this is a 30-year old gay guy who grew up in New York, and he has never been to a gay bar?  

"It's hard to find a boyfriend in New York," he moans.  Are you kidding?  Try some gay political, social, or religious groups.  Join the Gay Man's Chorus.  Join the Gay Gardening Club.  Or is this the standard movie gay community, where only gay bars exist?      

Scene 5:   Buddy Jake announces a new plan: he signs them onto a dating app as a couple looking for a third.  Then, when they meet the guy, they can "break up," leaving him for Andrew. So Jake is the fake ex-boyfriend?  

They immediately get a "ping" from Leo, who's only 20 feet away, so they chat for a moment, and then Buddy Jake pretends to break up with Stuntman.  I wouldn't be into a hookup after all that drama

Leo turns out to be a fruity sort who orders a vieux carré in a cowboy bar.  He also criticizes bi guys, Stuntman's profile pic, and his t-shirt ("Unicorns are fake.  God is real.")   Then he accuses Stuntman of using a date rape drug, and starts screaming.  Apparently this is a common act; the bartender (Matt Willis) kicks him out, then starts flirting with Stuntman.  He's not too bright, but he has a physique, so they decide to hook up.  He can just leave his job anytime he wants? 

Scene 6: But when the get back to the apartment, Stuntman freaks out and hides in the bathroom.  There's a muscular guy with a gigantic bulge waiting for you to go down on him. What is the problem?  Do you have residual guilt from growing up in a fundamentalist church?

Buddy Jake, who has him under surveillance, calls, annoyed: "Just get in there and beat it off." "Why would I beat him up?"  Bartender overhears and thinks that Stuntman likes fetish-wrestling, and won't listen when he says no.  Stuntman is forced to defend himself.  

I'm out of space, so I'll stop there.  We haven't even gotten to the fake boyfriend yet, or the second half of the movie, where the fake Cristiano, as well as the real ex-boyfriend, impede the Stuntman's blooming relationship with Rafi 

Beefcake: Shirtless guys and bulges, no frontal or rear nudity. 

Other Sights: Generic New York shot in Canada.

Gay Characters: Several.

My Grade:  Really entitled guys, and I'm sick of these movies where only bars exist, like it's 1956.  Wait -- even back then, they had the Mattachine Society.  B