Spider-Man: Brand New Day: Spidey flexes, visits a bathhouse, and brings a guy flowers. But it's not what you think.

 

Link to the n*de photos

 Marvel Cinematic Universe movies are not great at LGBT representation, and for some reason Spider-man movies are the worst of the lot: "Like all stories, and I mean every single story that has ever been told from Gilgamesh on to the present, including Death in Venice, The City and the Pillar, Call Me By Your Name, and Heartstopper, this story is about a boy and a girl."   So I went into Spider-Man: Brand New Day expecting to hear "feminine smiles are the meaning of life!" every few minutes.

I wasn't wrong.

There are three plotlines that actually could be three separate movies.

Plot #1: In the last movie, Spidey, aka Peter Parker (Tom Holland), zapped the memories of his True Love MJ and buddy Ned to "keep them safe."  Now he's living as a full-time superhero, ignoring the advice of his supervisor and the superhero Black Widow that he should get a girlfriend. 

Suddenly his powers start accelerating, giving him Hulk-style Roid Rage, but his web things fail to work at the most awkward moments.  He needs a device to inhibit some of his spider DNA while allowing the rest of it to keep giving him superpowers.  So he seeks out Incredible Hulk Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends), who teaches at Empire State University.

Hulky has lost his True Love.

Cliche alert: The Advanced Physics class is held in a giant lecture hall, like all college classes in movies.

Plot #2: 

After interrogating the various people who helped the Supervillain Scorpion (Michael Mando) escape, Spidey realizes that they're dealing with a being who can jump from mind to mind, peering into their memories and controlling their actions.  They're interested in getting access to a secret vault at the Damage Control headquarters (where they clean up the damage caused by superhero fights, including a lot of superpower-enhancing detritus).  

Eventually the being occupies the mind of Spidey's True Love MJ, and threatens to drop her off a building her unless he helps with their goal.  But some of the stuff at Damage Control could hurt millions of people, so Spidey refuses.   

More after the break, with a spoiler and a d*ck.

Noah Centineo: The Boyfriend of your Dreams, with five butts, three bulges, two d*cks, and no gay characters.

  

Link to the N*de Dudes

I've used stills from Noah Centineo's adult video as illustrations twice, but I don't know who he is, only that he filled in when Jake T. Austin left The Fosters. So, time to do some research.

He was born in 1996, and first appeared on screen with a kids' film, The Golden Retrievers, in 2008.

He appeared in three episodes of Austin & Allie, the first Disney Channel teencom to feature a canonical gay character, but he didn't play the gay character.

More guest spots on teencoms like Marvin Marvin and Shake It Up, and then his first starring role, How to Build a Better Boy, 2014.  He plays Jaden, the jock that science nerd Mae is crushing on, so she builds a cyber boyfriend to help win him. Matt Shively, left, plays her brother.

There's some some adult pictures in SPF-18, 2017, but it's not Noah, it's Jackson White, a depressed musician.  The focus character has to choose between Jackson and Noah, who is mourning the death of his father.  It gets a 3.3 rating on Rotten Tomatoes, probably because it is advertised as a romantic comedy, but is actually a depressing angst-fest.  

After 53 episodes of The Fosters, 2015-2018, Noah starred in To All the Boys I've Loved Before, 2018, but he's not the one loving the boys.  He's the Love Interest of focus character Lana, whose letters to her secret crushes are made public, destroying her life. 

In Sierra Burgess is a Loser, 2018, loser Sierra gets the help of the school's It-Girl to win the Boy of Her Dreams, Noah.  It also stars Will Peltz, left, as Spence, the It-Girl's boyfriend who dumps her.

More after the break

Marcus Hodson: Shape-shifting demon or hyper-masculine Midlands model? With n*de merman bonus

 Link to the n*de dudes

On Dead Hot (2024), Marcus Hodson plays a shape-shifting demon, a hermetic Magus who travels between esoteric realms through the Eye of Horus bar and its mysterious Red Phone.  I wanted to know if he plays other mysterious Pucks or Lords of Misreason, but his IMDB listing is rather basic  Five roles, all 2022-2024: 

You Like That, a short about a gay American student in Edinburgh.

The Stand-up Sketch Show, where comedians perform "a surreal reconstruction of their own material."  Marcus is a background player in five episodes.

An episode of Domino Day, about a young witch "haunted by her need to feed on others." In Episode 2, Marcus plays a hookup who smooches with her and is eaten.

Gentleman in Moscow is about a Russian aristocrat placed under house arrest in a hotel for the rest of his life after the 1917 revolution.  He befriends a girl who also lives in the hotel; Marcus plays her piano teacher.

He also plays one of the mermen in The Little Mermaid.

Only one other paranormal show, and he doesn't even play a supernatural being?

Not many biographical details available. A 2021 article in Pause magazine states that he is 25 years old, from Manchester but living in London. He began modeling at age 18, then started university, but left to go pro.

In spite of the paucity of biographical details, Marcus has a very active social media presence, with hundreds of posts about travel, food, and beefcake. Here he is in Greece

In Rome

On the beach.  Does Marcus have a palsy disorder in his left hand, or is he displaying some magickal gestures?

More after the break

Alex Krazen: College wrestler with a physique, only male friends, an interest in short guys, and a unique quality. Plus some collegiate d*cks

Link to the NSFW version

I  don't usually post the last names of non-actors, but college wrestler Alex Krazen is unique, for reasons that will become apparent.  Besides, he has the same initials as Aleks Kurdzielewicz, who I profiled yesterday.

On his Instagram, Alex states that he is a student at Sacred Heart University in Fairfield, Connecticut.  

But he poses in a singlet from Praire View A&M in Texas. 

Comments to this photo are rather frisky: "I swear it looked at me first" and "Is it essential to be that way during wrestling matches?"

He's got some very buffed buds.

And a crazy travel itinerary.  Why would you travel to Tuscaloosa, USC, Boston, and Paris, all in the same month?

I'll take the short guy in the middle first, then the striped pants, and Alex third.  Sorry, dude.

More after the break