The 18 biggest, hottest, or most surprising d*cks of the handsome/h*ng actors, from the Nip/Tuck fratboy to the Headless Ghost

Link to the n*de photos.

Why do you read a profile of an actor who has appeared only in shows that you never watch and movies that you've never heard of?  Why do I research him?  Sure, it's fun to check out his acting projects for gay representation, and his social media for evidence that he is gay.  Sometimes there are other interesting things to learn about, like the Welsh language, Russian science fiction, or the scheduled tribes of India. But I really want to see his d*ck.

It may be displayed during a show, on social media, on hookup sites, or leaked.  It may not precisely belong to him, but the face and physique are close enough.  I'm even down with a very well done artist's interpretation.  

Most of the handsome/hung actors (everyone but teen idols and bodybuilders) have d*ck pics in their profiles, but some are unforgettable.  Here are my 18 favorites.

1. Aaron Moody.  It took a lot of research to figure out which Aaron Moody had 11 inches.  Turns out that it's not the Nip/Tuck fratboy who got his face superglued to his buddy's backside.

2. Jamie McGuire (top photo). A Halifax hunk who plays the Smiley Creature in From.  I'm 99% sure that one of the two n*de dudes is him, but to be on the safe side, I posted a n*de Dylan Sprouse (from the Suite Life of Zack and Cody).

3. Austin Linley, left, had a BFA and a series of depressing shorts when he was hired to discomfit his closeted roommate on Overcompensating by walking around the dorm room n*ked.

4. Matt Smith. Prince Phillip, Charles Manson, Christopher Isherwood, Dr. Who, and Superworm shows us his stuff twice.  And his backside, for a change of pace.

5. Noah Matthews Matofsky.  Most Down Syndrome guys are on the small side (I'm not telling you how I know), but Noah is an exception.  Plus he can say "I love you" in 20 languages.

6. Ansel Pierce.  Although he is best known as the Euphoria big d*ck, Ansel has other points of interest, like a job in West Hollywood and a movie about a chubby gay guy in love (he plays the buddy).

7. Josh Fadem.  The coffee guy from the Twin Peaks remake sings a Hanukkah song and shows us his stuff.

8. George MacKay.  We only see the d*ck of the time traveler's buddy from behind.  This makes it even more provocative.

9. Jackson Tessmer. What can you say about a guy who goes to Hebrew School, stars in Christian dramas, and posts selfies?

More after the break. 

Caspian Diament: With a name like Caspian, can we expect Narnia? Or at least some gay roles? With n*de Dylan and Danish dudes

  

Link to the n*de photos

I wanted to profile Caspian Diament (not Diamant)  because of his unusual, rather scary eyes, and his odd name -- was he named after the Caspian Sea, which would make him Russian, or maybe Persian? 

No, he's American, born in Los Angeles, son of Debra Diament, former lead singer for The Januaries.  She is of Danish ancestry.

Ok, then, Prince Caspian in the Chronicles of Narnia?  

Caspian was born in 2006, and began acting in 2012, with roles in Faerie Tales and Dragons, Toy Shop, and Peter Pan, a lot of print ads (for "straight" jeans, har har), and some tv commercials.  

 He begins his on-screen career in 2013, playing  a variety of kids.  According to the demo reels on his resume:

Scared of a monster in the closet

An obnoxious gamer kid

Responding to a friend who has killed someone.

A supportive friend offering comfort

A touching father-son moment

Angrily confronting his parents

And a confident young prince in a school play.

He doesn't mention which of his 13 IMDB credits correspond to each performance, but I surmise that the Confident Young Prince  is from an episode This is Us (2016-22), about the problems of three adult siblings.  Tess, the daughter of Randall (Sterling J. Brown, left), is cast a Snow White in the school play.  She is black. The white parents laugh, leading to a discussion of racism. 

Later the teenage Tess comes out as gay, and starts dating the nonbinary Alex.

A lesbian co-star?  Caspian is gay-adjacent, anyway.

As far as I can tell, Caspian's movie and tv characters have all been hetero or hetero-by-default.  Plus I found an annoying heterosexist reference: "Chicks dig me."  His Mom responds "That's what I've been saying since you were born."  When he was born, how did you even know that he liked chicks, lady?

But there are also gay references. In 2018, Caspian posts a video of his hip-hop class, with the taglines "Cute Boy.  Gay.  Artist."

Gay hiphop artist Milan Christopher, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

More after the break

Tom Berklund: Bodybuilder and "Modern Family" cop stars in gay tragedies and poses n*de, but what's with all the lady friends?

 

Link to the n*de photos

We've finished Modern Family, but I forgot to research a bodybuilder who appeared in Episode 10.5, "Good Grief" (2018): as the family gathers for Halloween, Jay gets the word that his ex-wife DeeDee (Shelly Long) has died.  Dressed in wacky costumes, the children and grandchildren try to process their grief in different ways. Phil and Cam drive into West Hollywood for a convoluted reason, and get stuck in the Halloween parade.  As they are honking, a cop tells them to give the horn a rest.  The parade will be over soon.  Then he swishes off in his very tight chaps.

Phil: "I don't get to this part of town often.  That's not a real cop, right?"

I was annoyed that Phil says "this part of town": West Hollywood is a separate city.  But I wanted to see more of the hot cop, Tom Berklund, and his tight chaps.

I checked his Instagram first: "Real estate developer, bodybuilder, spiritual growth."  That's not an occupation, buddy.

 Some nice muscle shots, but the mixed signals made it impossible to determine if he is gay or not.

"Had a great time with Sarah and Teddy," a lady and a dog.  You're dating a lady, got it.

"Dinner and theater night out with my famous friend" Ryan Hadad, a queer disabled playwright.  Is it a date or a friend hang?

"Ali, Joey, and me."  Ali and Joey are a woman and a baby.  So is this your wife and son?  

"Post dinner sunset stroll with the one and only Tucker Breder," an actor whose Instagram is private, but he poses with a woman on Soundcloud.  Now you're dating a straight guy?

"Charlie got the lead in Once Upon a High School."  Posing with a woman and teenage boy.  But if this is your wife and son, who's Ali and the baby?   

Heck with it.  Let's look at his biceps and body parts, and see if he's been in any gay-themed movies.

Tom was born in Middleton, Wisconsin, 15 minutes from Madison, and got his BFA from the University of Michigan.  He then moved to New York, where he won the part of Gregory Gardner in the 2006 revival of A Chorus Line.  

In his monologue, Gregory talks about getting a (censored) in class, and realizing that he was gay.  Not a bad start.

Tom has 25 acting credits, but mostly parts like Dancer, Gym Attendant, Spin Instructor, and S*xy Santa (left, on Ray Donovan).  I found a few gay roles:

More after the break

Modern Family, Episode 11.4: A pool full of muscle hunks, a future hunkoid thief, and a gay realtor. With some twinks and 7 d*cks

 

Link to the n*de photos

We've been watching Modern Family from the beginning.  Even at an episode almost every night, sometimes two, it's taken over eight months.  Now we're in Season 11, and continuing just out a sense of duty.  The characters are getting flanderized, there are too many maudlin "misty water-colored memories" scenes, and the plotlines are reeking of desperation from the writers' room.  Haley and Dylan have twins.  Gloria becomes a realtor.  Alex moves to Antartica?  Mitchell and Cam move to Missouri?

Besides, Luke (Nolan Gould) has bulked up, but never takes his shirt off.

Episode 11.4, "The Pool Party," is silly, but offers some excellent beefcake.  In the A Plot, Gloria, wife of family patriarch Jay Pritchett,  suddenly developed an interest in becoming a realtor, so Jay's son-in-law Phil -- who owns a magic store and a parking lot, teaches realty at the community college, runs a food podcast, and still has time to work as a realtor -- has hired her as his intern.  She's pushing to be hired full-time, but Phil isn't sure.

They work on the mystery of who is stealing the "For Sale" signs from the homeowners, to keep people from buying the house (don't they usually search online instead of driving by?).  Phil interrogates his rival Gil Thorpe (Rob Riggle), but he says that he's gay now, so he doesn't have time for a petty vendetta.  

Meanwhile, Gloria attaches the tracker for her husband Jay's dog to the sign, and follows it to catch the thief: Sam, played by Hunter J. Mitchell, now 18 and rather hunky (check the n*de twink on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).  The owners' son, he keeps stealing the sign so he won't have to move and leave all his friends.  Gloria gives a maudlin speech about how change is hard, but it leads to new experiences and new people, and Phil is so impressed that he gives her the assistant job. 

In the B Plot, Jay is in charge of housekeeping while Gloria works late and fails to appreciate the dinner he cooked or his new jogging suit. He has become a stereotypic housewife, and feels emasculated. 

In the C Plot, Claire wants to convince her daughters Haley and Alex to go to work in the corporate world, so she claims that being a CEO is wonderfully fulfilling.  Then she has pretend that a major disaster is no problem at all.

The D Plot is the dumbest.  Gay couple Mitch and Cam are invited to a pool party by their friend Longinus (Kevin Daniels).  He says that there will be kids, so they bring their daughter Lily; but he meant "twinks."  

The pool is crowded with musclemen in their 20s and 30s.  How would you respond?  How would any gay guy respond?

Right, he would mingle and cruise, or at least enjoy this paradise of  pecs, abs, and junk. But Cam and Mitchell are horrified. "We can't take off our shirts at this smoke show."  Huh?  Why not? 

I think the guy in the pink hat is adult video star Chris Wolfe (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).  Another is Bryce McKinney (left).

More after the break

Justin Ellings: Kyle from the awful clown episode of "Modern Family" plays Corey Haim and Sean Giambrone, shows his physique and his d*ck

 

Link to the n*de photos

In Modern Family Episode 11.1 (2019), high school vice principal Cam invites a group of "wayward teens" to his house to gain their trust by being the "cool mentor."  Things go wrong when his beloved, awful clown figurine goes missing, and he accuses them of stealing it, horrifying the viewers and his husband Mitchell with his increasingly vituperative insults: "You're trash! You're garbage!  Everyone has given up on you!"   Finally Mitchell can't stand it anymore, and announces that they are innocent: he threw out the figurine because it was incredibly ugly.  

Then Cam comes clean -- the kids are actually the high school drama club, playing wayward teens to force Mitchell to confess.  

I'm not happy with the plotline.  Seeing Cam lash out was rough.  And why would  you destroy something that your husband valued?  Something that was on prominent display in the living room?  But it was worth it to see  drama club member Kyle, played by Justin Ellings.

19 years old when he filmed the episode.

A Short Guy, 5'6"  Forget the five feet; tell me more about the six inches. 

Endless beefcake photos on his Instagram and Facebook pages. 

Interestingly, Justin's official website shows a map of his location (so you can stalk him?).  He's on Cahuenga just north of Lexington, near my old gym in West Hollywood.  Cue the nostalgic reminiscences of my years in the gay mecca.

Justin grew up in Milwaukee, where he starred in The Music Man (2011) and The Sound of Music (2012) at the Skylight Opera Theatre Center.  He graduated from Arrowhead High School at age 16, then moved to L.A. to pursue his acting career.

His first major acting role was on the Nickelodeon teencom Sam & Cat (2013): he played Jarvis, one of the kids that the former ICarly star and her girlfriend babysit.  According to the fan wiki, Jarvis is gay.

I doubt that a Nickelodeon show would have a canonical gay character, but even if it was subtext, it's a great beginning.  Unfortunately, Justin's characters in other tv programs, on Girl Meets World (2015). Game Shakers (2017), American Housewife (2018), and Wandavision (2021), don't appear in the plot synopses. 

.

Justin is primarily interested in stunt work.  He has 33 stunting credits listed on the IMDB, including episodes of The Middle, Young Sheldon, 13 Reasons Why (where he was presumably Miles Heizer's b*tt double), 9-1-1, Stranger Things, and The Fabelmans.

 He was Sean Giambrone's stunt double on 19 episodes of The Goldbergs.

More after the break. 

Joe Mande: The incredibly gorgeous Ben of "Modern Family" writes for tv shows that I don't like, shows his d*ck but not his chest

 Link to the n*de photos

Ben (Joe Mande) is introduced in Modern Family Episode 6.17 (2015) as the shy, beset-upon marketing manager at Pritchet's Closets and Blinds, where Jay's daughter Claire has just taken over as boss.  He returns in four episodes of Season 7, mostly to be the butt of jokes.  Lives with his mother?  Owns a cat?  What a loser!  

Claire holds the "little suck up from marketing" in utter contempt, but keeps him around because he will do anything she asks, such as performing "mom" duties so she can pretend to have the perfect work/life balance.

Jay's wife Gloria thinks so little of him that she can never remember his name, although she knows everyone else who works at the company, even the guys in the warehouse.  

 

In Episode 8.12, Ben notes that he has a crush on Claire's adult daughter, Alex.  He doesn't expect her to reciprocate, since he's a total loser, not good enough for her -- or for anyone, really.  He doesn't deserve to have friends or a romance.  But Alex is into losers, and a guy who lives with his mother, owns a cat, works in closets, is constantly ridiculed by everyone, and is over 40 ("actually, I'm 26"): "kiss me!"  

Maybe she is attracted to losers like Ben, Alec (John Karna), Teddy, Sanjay (Suraj Patel), and Arvin (Chris Geere, below) because they are so easy to control, belittle, diminish, and feel superior to.  

She spends four more episodes in Season 8 and two in Season 9 having fun ordering Ben around, making jokes at his expense, ridiculing his interests, and doing bedroom things with him in ways that ignore his needs.

Finally Ben can't take the constant ridicule, and starts seeing a woman who actually likes him.  When Alex finds out in Episode 9.5, they break up, and he is never mentioned again.

I kept thinking, what the heck is wrong with these people?  Ben is gorgeous, with that round face, expressive eyes, and scruffy beard. At 5'9", a member of the Short Guy Brigade.  And always wearing a business suit!  When he was on stage, I couldn't pay attention to anyone or anything else.

So let's try a profile.  

Question #1: Gay in real life?  No: he's married to the "beautiful, kind, funny, supportive, warm-hearted Kylie Augustine," and apparently a devotee of Hooters. 

Question #2: Any gay content in his movies and tv shows?

Joe was born in Albuquerque in 1983, went to high school in Minnesota, and received a BFA in Writing from Emerson College in 2006.  He began doing stand-up comedy in college, and moved to New York after graduation to go professional.

 His first film role is in Yeti: A Love Story (2006): five college students go camping.  Joe goes off into the woods to pee (d*ck on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends), and is skewered.  The others are killed, but not by a yeti, by a weird cult.  The male yeti is a good guy, who rescues Adam (Adam Malamut).  The two fall in love.  I can't tell if it is homophobic or not, but Malamut is straight in real life, and according to one review, "incredibly annoying."

More after the break. 

Three questions about Nolan Gould: Any gay roles?; gay in real life?; any unclothed photos?

  

I'm not going to do a full profile of Nolan Gould, since I have already posted several photo collections, beginninng when he started to bulk up as the teenage Luke Dunphy on Modern Family (2009-2020).  Now that he has grown up, I wanted to check out his work since the Family went their separate ways, with the usual questions: 

1. Any gay roles?

2. Gay in real life?

3. Any unclothed photos?

1. Any gay roles?  While doing Family, Nolan starred in a music video with a very long title beginning with Logic: 1-800-273-8255: "A homos* xual teenage boy struggles with his identity."  The term is gay, homophobes.  Coy Stewart plays the struggling boy, and Nolan his hookup.

After Family, Nolan appeared in:

An episode of Grey's Anatomy (2023).

Miranda's Victim (2023): A true--crime biopic: victim Trish wants justice, but because Ernesto Miranda confessed under duress, his guilty verdict was overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court (Miranda v. Arizona, 1966).  The result was the Miranda Warning ("You have the right to remain silent..."), which the police must read before beginning an interrogation.  Nolan plays Trish's coworker, who has a crush on her and becomes a suspect after the crime. 

The Nana Project (2023): An elderly woman goes on the road as a chess master, accompanied by her cameraman and two grandsons.  Andrew (Nolan) is a quiet, responsible veterinary student, while Cody (Will Peltz) is a hard-partying fashion model,  extremely feminine in his pearl necklace, gaudy rings, and multicolored nail polish.  

I went through on fast forward to see if Cody gets a boyfriend, but the movie is about repairing the rift between the brothers.  Neither does any dating.

Nor does anyone apparently allude to either of the grandsons being gay.  In one scene, Cody says that he is tired because he's been (****) all night.   Urban Dictionary says that the term could mean he was with men or women.  Sounds like a "don't say gay" closeting.

Will Peltz's backside is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

More after the break.  

Mark Povinella: Two circus performers, a Snow White dwarf, a gay subtext boyfriend, Ibsen's "Doll House," and two d*cks

Link to the n*de dudes

Several years ago, we gave up on Modern Family, the comedy about three interrelated " modern families,"  somewhere around Season 5. But now we're starting it up from the beginning.  Last night was Episode 2.12, "Our Children, Ourselves" (2011).  In the B plot, gay couple Mitchell and Cam run into Mitch's old high school girlfriend, Tracy. She's married now, and she doesn't want anything to do with Mitch. 

1.  He came out on the night of their senior prom, ruining it for her (poor heterosexual lady, gays are such a problem!).

2. Nine years later he did bedroom stuff with her at their high school reunion, and then cut off all contact, refusing her calls and texts 

Hold on -- they did bedroom stuff?  Mitch explains that he wanted to see if he could do it.  Apparently dude is bi-curious.   

After Tracey brushes them off, the guys see her getting ice cream for a male person, then kissing the top of his head.  From their brief, obscured view, he looks like an eight-year old boy with red hair -- obviously Mitch's son!  You didn't use a condom for your hetero experimentation?  

After the usual agonizing and recriminations (but he hadn't even met Cam nine years ago), they decide that they want to be part of the boy's life, and show up at Tracy's house. After an embarrassing conversation where they are talking about different things, they discover that the person they saw was not  Tracey's son -- he was her husband  (the 3.9" Mark Povinelli). Well, they really pushed the misdirection -- why didn't the guy get his own ice cream?  

Cam and Mitch unfortunately brought a gift: a "Little Slugger" baseball glove.

With my usual interest in short guys, I wanted to know more about Mark Povinella.  I discovered that:

1. He has an impressive physique, as seen abaove and playing Torvald in Mabou Mines DollHouse, an adaption of the Ibsen classic (on stage, plus filmed in 2009).

2. From 2017 to 2023, he was President of Little People of America, an advocacy group with 7,500 members in 70 chapters.

3. He has 51 acting credits on the IMDB, including episodes of The Suite Life of Zach and Cody, Pushing Daisies, ANT Farm, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Criminal Minds, and Deadtime Stories, but he is most famous for:

Water for Elephants (2011): during the Great Depression, Jacob (Robert Pattinson) joins the circus, and rooms with Kinko (Mark), with whom he develops a strong gay-subtext friendship while pursuing a heterosexual romance.

Mirror, Mirror (2012): A postmodern retelling of the Snow White story, with Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen, Armie Hammer as the Handsome Prince, and seven dwarfs.

Are You There, Chelsea? (2012), based on the drunken-humor memoir of Chelsea Handler, with Laura Prepon as the recovering alcoholic.  She works at a sports bar, with Mark and Jake McDorman as the bartenders.

A photo from Jake's n*de session is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

More after the break.

Ghoul: The Kid from "Modern Family" Fights Zombies

Ghoul  (2012) a gay-subtext buddy-bonding horror movie based on the novel by Brian Keene (2007), who specializes in postapocalyptic zombie novels.

A ghoul, a monster that lives on dead human meat, is terrorizing the town, getting most of its victims in the cemetery run by the teenage Timmy (Nolan Gould) and his abusive Dad (Dane Rhodes).  Timmy gradually realizes that Dad is assisting the ghoul, and has even kidnapped a woman from town to become its mate.

Timmy's friends agree to help him look for the ghoul, but they have problems of their own.

One is being sexually abused by his mother.

The other is being emotionally abused by his father.

The real monsters are the adults.

In the book, the Steve character is quiet, passive, rather chunky, probably gay, and interested in Timmy (who, unfortunately has a girlfriend).  He is the one who gets eaten by the ghoul.  

I wonder why Steve's mother is the abuser.  In real-life, the father is the offender in 90% of cases of sexual abuse.  Maybe he didn't want to reflect the myth that same-sex abuse causes kids to "turn" gay.  Or maybe he wanted to add some diversity by making one of the evil parents a woman. 

The ghoul ends up kidnapping Timmy's girlfriend (of course), but after a cliche last-minute rescue, they all escape.

But not entirely.  Twenty years later, when Timmy returns to the cemetery to bury his father, he sees that Steve is now the caretaker, and his son has bruises consistent with abuse.

The real monsters are the adults.

I haven't seen the movie, so I don't know if the gay subtext was retained, but the reviews are terrible: 11% on Rotten Tomatoes. It starred Nolan Gould of Modern Family as Timmy, Mattie Liptak, left, as the potentially gay-vague Steve, and Zach Rand and Brett Lapeyrouse (top photo) as other friends.

Gay characters appear often in the works of Brian Keen, including the protagonists of The Rising and of Dead Sea.  

See also: Modern Family, Episode 5.17: Gay stereotypes, traditional gender roles, Nolan Gould's abs, and a nude Dylan bonus

Three questions about Nolan Gould after he grew up: Any gay roles?; gay in real life?; any unclothed photos?

"Modern Family" Episode 5.17: Gay stereotypes, traditional gender roles, Nolan Gould's abs, and a nude Dylan bonus

I watched the first five seasons of Modern Family (2009-2014), but stopped when we moved to streaming services.  Or maybe, as my posts from the era suggest, I stopped because of what I called horrendous gay stereotyping and brash homophobia.  So let's check it out: I reviewed Episode 5.17 (2014), which premiered shortly after I stopped watching.

Note: There are 12 members of the Modern Family, so pairs and trios split up for separate plots.  Although they are scattered through the episodes, I will cover them separately.

Link to NSFW version.

Set-Up: Family dinner at the home of patriarch Jay Pritchett (Ed O'Neill).  He suggests watching basketball next, adding with a sneer that his adult son Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) wouldn't be interested because he is gay.  Mitchell counters: "Unlike you, I don't need a reason to watch men in shorts."  The possibility that men might find basketball players attractive ruins the game for Jay.  Jay is the homophobic one!  

The A Plot: Mitchel and Cam, the gay couple, and teenagers Manny and Alex (a girl).   They are all going to an art museum to see a Kandinsky Exhibit.  Jay finds it inconceivable that a straight boy would be interested in art.

On the way, they criticize the rest of the family's lack of refinement.  Jay buys his books at the grocery store!  The best way to get Claire to fall asleep is to show her a movie with subtitles!  

Then they discover that the Kandinsky exhibit is closed!  Problem: Cameron doesn't know anything about art, so he read up on Kandinsky so he wouldn't be embarrassed.  But now they're discussing Matisse, and he 's lost.  After making a fool of himself, he goes to wait in the car.  Dude, art is for everybody. They have self-guided tours and texts to help you understand everything.

 Next Mitchell reveals that he doesn't know anything about art either.  He leaves in embarrassment. Two remain.  But Manny doesn't know anything about art, either!  Why did they want to go?

 The B Plot: Claire, Gloria, and Lily.  Cam and Mitchell explain that they're out buying a flower-girl dress for their  daughter to wear at their wedding.  Why both of them?  So the dress isn't too mundane (Claire) or "cucaracha" (Gloria).  I remember cringing at the constant stereotyping. Gloria is from Colombia, depicted as a horrible country where everyone lives in absurd poverty and gets shot all the time. 

Gloria insists that Lily keep trying on dresses, because she only has sons and never gets to go dress shopping.  Claire doesn't even like dresses; she didn't wear one at her own wedding.  Gloria is shocked.  "You must try one on! Then you can go back to your boy clothes."  So Claire tries on some wedding dresses, and is transfixed by the wonderfulness of gender-normative behavior.

The C Plot: Jay, his teenage grandson Luke (lNolan Gould, left and top photo).   The boy mentions that he's planning to buy a pottery wheel for his ceramics class. Jay is upset, assuming that Luke is gay, but he explains that he is taking art to meet girls. Jay points out a problem with this plan: the girls in the class will think you're gay, and not want to have sex with you. He suggests learning woodworking instead.  Wood shop was a required class for boys in my junior high.  I mostly tried to avoid being noticed, and got a D-.

In the woodshop, apprised that a tool is a table vise, Luke begins singing "Edelweiss," and Jay lays down the law: "I've already been through this with Mitchell.  This is what we're trying to prevent."  Woodworking won't keep your grandson from being gay, Dude. But he already said that he likes girls.

Jay says that he wants to teach Luke all the things he need to know to be a man, because his son Mitchell and Gloria's son Manny were both fruity, and not interested.  He demonstrates his machismo by benching 205 pounds! (wow, I can only do 180).  Impressed, Luke says: "Tell me everything you know about women."  This is super-problematic.

The D Plot: Phil (Ty Burrell), his daughter Haley, the nanny Andy (Adam Devine).  He is trying to think of a romantic anniversary gift for his girlfriend, who is deployed out in the Coast Guard. Maybe banana bread?  Phil suggests making her a video instead, depicting all of the things he's willing to do for her.

First up:  pretending to be swimming underwater with sharks (no beefcake).  Whoops, Haley walks into the frame, ruining it!   She suggests a visit instead, but the girlfriend is doesn't get shore leave very often. 

Andy's face is shining, so Phil goes off to fetch some makeup.  He is careful to specify that it's his WIFE's makeup, so Andy won't think that he's gay.  What's with the homophobia, Phil? 

Haley's date is late.  Andy gets all conciliatory: "that's rude.  A real man would be more considerate of the most incredibly beautiful, wonderful woman on the face of the Earth."  You have a girlfriend, remember?

Next segment: Andy skiing in the snow.  Haley is not impressed.

Third segmentt: Andy with a rose, preparing to give a romantic speech, but he doesn't know where to look.  Phil: "Just look deeply into my eyes, and sweep me off my feet."  Running gag: Phil says innocent things that make it sound like he's gay.  Viewers are supposed to chortle over it: how humiliating to have people think you're one of those...  

Nope, Andy thinks it's too weird to pretend to be in love with a man.  Maybe Haley could help out?  And you know what happens next, right?

When the video is finished, Andy asks "How can I thank you?" Phil: "The next time you're with your girlfriend, think of me."  See what I mean?

About the video: "I'm giving this to the mailman, who will give it to the Coast Guard, and by this time tomorrow, someone will be giving it to my girlfriend."  Geez, this show is dirty. but at least that one isn't "accusing" Phil of being gay.

E Plot: Haley, her boyfriend (Adam Hagenbuch, left).  He is six hours late for their date, and he just honks instead of coming to the door.  After being treated like a queen all afternoon, Haley finds this offensive and dumps him.  

Beefcake: None.

Gay Characters: Cam and Mitchell.

Characters implied to be gay as jokes: Phil, Luke, and Manny.

Homophobes: Jay. Maybe Andy: he has a problem looking at a man as if he's in love.  It's called acting, dude.  But Jay is much worse.  

My Grade:  Nolan Gould and Adam Devine?  Plus Phil's gay jokes are funny.  B+.

The NSFW version of this review features nude photos of Reid Ewig, who played Haley's on-off boyfriend Dylan