Aug 28, 2020
"Get Duked": One of the Best Movies I've Seen This Year
The trailer doesn't show any girls, so maybe there's some buddy bonding. But it could just as easily depict casual homophobia. And I HATE movies where main characters die, so I'm going about this carefully.
First I check to see if any of the boyz are gay in real life.
The boyz are:
1. Sam Bottomley, known for the Brit-kid schow Rocket's Island, as Ian. Nothing specified.
The other three are juvenile delinquents participating in a program where bad boys are dumped in the wilderness and forced to learn survival skills.
2. Rian Gordon (below), who has been in some British soap operas, as Dean. His instagram name is Wee Rian. Nothing specified.
3. Lewis Gribben (third photo), who played Dylan in Deadwater Fell, as Duncan. No beefcake photos. His twitter feed tells us: "Did you honestly think we were gonna release get duked and that be it hell nah the boyz are back in this sick music video get watched it tomorrow to see what shit we got into."
I don't know what any of those words mean, but I don't think he's gay.
4. Viraj Juneja as aspiring hiphop artist DJ Beatroot. He has only a few acting credits, but he had a short film, Fuddu, selected for the UK Asian Film Festival.
His instagram (fourth photo) has this film of him kissing his bicep. A fan writes "Buff!," and he responds "Don't get any ideas, lol."
Gay-positive comedian Eddie Izzard plays the mysterious Duke who is hunting the boys.
I fast-forward to the end. The boys are still alive.
Ok, I'll give it a shot.
Scene 1: The three juvenile delinquents are watching an orietation video, bored, texting. They drive to the wilderness while comic strips reveal their mischief: they burned down a school toilet (it took a lot of lighter fluid). They meet the fourth: Ian, a "sensitive and sheltered boy" who enjoys knitting and has trouble making friends/
Camera zooms in to posters of the many boys who have gone missing in this wilderness.
Scene 2: Their first task is to find their way across the wilderness to a distant campsite, without their cellphones. The counselor says: "The whole thing is fraught with danger, and I'm amazed that they let teenagers do it, but there you go.
The boys frolick and try to get Ian to smoke hashish. DJ tries out a rap song:
My dick's a tyrannasaurus
Balls big like a bull, 100% Taurus
Make you come so loud, you'll sound like a Greek chorus.
The biggest dick in history...girl, you'll be screaming.
Ok, he's heterosexual. Although I do like hearing about gigantic dicks.
A mysterious man is watching them. "Vermin!" he snarls.
Scene 3: They ask directions from a friendly farmer. Discussions of whether the term "orienteering" is racist and if the Duke of Edinburgh is real or "like Santa."
The Duke appears and starts shooting at them. They run up a ridge and go through their stuff, looking for weapons.
Whoa! Ian is sitting cuddling against Duncan, with his arm in Duncan's lap. Homoerotic!
Fortunately, Dean knows how to make a bomb from everday items. He downloaded the intel from the internet.
Scene 4: Cut to the police station, where Sergeant Morag (Kate Dickie) is apprising the officers about the "suspected terrorist." They need this bust to avoid getting shut down due to the low crime rate.
Scene 5: The boys throw their bomb at the Duke. It doesn't work. They try lighting the hashish and throwing it at the Duke His trousers catch on fire, and he rushes off.
They run up a mountain, where they get cell phone reception, and Duncan calls the police: "There's a psycho pedophile with a gun chasing us!"
"You can't call him that!" Ian protests. "You're sixteen -- it'd be fine!"
Duncan is sitting on Ian's shoulders to make the call!
Sergeant Morag adds "pedophile" to "terrorist" on the case board, and she and PC Hamish go off to catch the criminal...teenagers?
Scene 6: The boys arrive at the campsite, where their counselor, Mr. Carlisle, dismisses their story. They notice that his leg is burnt. He's the Duke!
They attack, and end up killing him.
Ian: "I've never seen a murder before. I'm homeschooled."
Scene 7: They discuss what to do now. They're lost and they just killed their counselor.
The real Duke arrvies, with his wife, the Duchess. They don't hunt for fun -- they are trying to rid Britain of the out-of-control "vermin" who are threatening the country by being boisterous. They chase the boys on horseback.
Scene 8: The police officers drive through the Highlands. discussing how important the case is.
Meanwhile the boys return to the farmer and yell for help, but he can't hear them. They continue running. Ian hurts his ankle, and the boys abandon him. Hey, what happened to the homoerotic buddy bonding?
The officers find the makeshift bomb and concludes that it's a whole gang of pedophile-terrorists from London!
Scene 9: While Dean and Duncan hide in a cave, DJ investigates an old barn, which is full of his rap fans! They invite him to get high on "rabbit shite."
Meanwhile, the Duke and Duchess capture Ian, put an antlered head on him, and recite poetry about the hunt. Dean and Duncan rush to the rescue. DJ's new friends arrive in trucks to help.
Scene 10: Morning. The Duke and Duchess escaped. They need to capture the Dukes to prove that they didn't murder their counselor deliberately, so they're going on the offensive
The police officers saw the debacle last night and conclude that they were zombie drug-dealer pedophile terrorists. They start tracking the boys while the Duke and Duchess look on.
"You wankers!" the boys shout.
The police hear "Alanu akbar." Arabic! The drug dealing pedophile terrorists!
Scene 11: The Duke and Duchess run into an old farm house and escape through a secret passage. They emerge at the coast, the boys in hot pursuit.
The Duke and Duchess are unrepentent: "We've given you this perfect world, and all your lot can do is turn round and say we've ruined it." But being guaranteed a job after Uni, being able to buy a house on a working-class salary -- those things Boomers take for granted are impossible for the younger generation. Plus environmental catastrophe. Boomers will soon be gone, leaving the younger generation to clean up their mess.
This is getting heavy, man.
Whoops -- the Duke blew a horn earlier, and now oldsters with guns are arrivng en masse.
At least Ian and Duncan are linking arms. Back to your homerotic buddy bonding at the moment of crisis>
The boys are surrounded. Guns cock.
Whoa, Deus Ex Machina! I can't explain what happened -- too complicated. But a very funny callback.
And, by the way, Mr. Carlisle turns up alive. And pissed: "You killed me! You'v failed!"
And, by the way, Ian spends nearly the entire last scene with his arms around Duncan.
The police finally arrive and ask if they've seen 50 heroin-covered zombie pedophile terrorists.
Scene 11: The boys are getting ready to leave, when they see four girls about to set out on the wilderness test. Uh-oh, so close, and now the hetero flirting begins! But they just want to give the girls the sword and the gun they got from the Duke; "You'll need these."
The boys walk off. Dean kisses Duncan. Wait -- um...
Nobody mentions a romantic interest in anyone during the film, except in the rap song. Nor are there any homophobic statements, except in the final song: "Mr. President, suck a dick -- this is our time."
I guess this is their time. Being gay or straight is irrelevant.
My grade: A