May 11, 2024

Cucumber: Lots of cucumbers on display as gay life in Manchester gets increasingly dark


Link to the NSFW review

Cucumber, on Amazon Prime, is like gay Revenge, with plot twists, hidden agendas, and people who are not what they seem.  It starts out as a comedy, but turns darker and darker.  The nonsensical title, by the way, comes from a measure of erectile hardness, from tofu (semi-soft) to cucumber (rigid).  

Instead of scene-by-scene, I'm going to summarize the various cocksploits and tearjerks.

1. Middle-aged Manchester insurance salesman Henry (Vincent Franklin) gets angry when his boyfriend Lance (Cyril Nri, top photo) brings an anonymous guy, left, home for a three-way.  Maybe if you'd asked first, and waited for him instead of just going down?

Henry calls the police and has the two arrested (on what charge? Consensual sexual acts are legal in Britain.). 

2. Henry moves out and seeks refuge with a twink couple from work, Dean and Freddie (Fisayo Akinade, Freddie Fox, left).  And starts flirting with Freddie!  Wait -- you get all huffy when your boyfriend wants an open relationship, but it's ok for the twinks?

Freddie the Twink says "No, thank you, we're monogamous."

3. Henry is upset because Freddie the Twink rejected him, but then goes out and hooks up with another old guy, Cliff (Con O'Neill).

4. Meanwhile Ex-Boyfriend Lance tries to hook up with Straight Guy Daniel (James Murray, left).  He refuses: "Sorry, I'm straight."

5. Henry's Sister and her hot teenage son Adam (Ceallach Spellman, right) arrive to stay forever. Henry decides to make some extra money filming his nephew having sex with other guys.

Meanwhile Ex-Boyfriend Lance empties the joint checking account. Never leave much in that joint checking account, buddy. One tiff, and it's gone.

More cucumbers after the break

6. Freddie the Twink dumps his boyfriend, then hooks up with his abusive ex-lover (Edward MacLiam)

7. The main four all have dates, notably Sister with Brian(Ardal O'Hanlon, left), and Freddie the Twink with a girl. They switch beds, hook up with their dates' roommates, bail when the date is bad in bed, whatever.

Nights like this happened on occasion in West Hollywood.  When you have four guys sharing an apartment, and each is dating and hooking up, there's bound to be some "accidental" bed switching.

8. Henry's Sister finds out about the sex videos starring her son, and lays down the law.

9.  Henry finally gets to spend the night with his crush, Freddie the Twink, but Freddie is in love with Leigh (Phaldut Sharma), who Henry hooked up with while on a date with someone else.

10. Ex-Boyfriend Lance is still obsessed with Straight Guy Daniel, who is milking the attraction because he likes to dominate people.

11, Daniel finally agrees to have sex with Lance.  The ghost of Hazel Tyler from Queer as Folk warns him not to go, but he ignores her.  Afterwards, Straight Daniel is overcome by gay-guilt and panic, so he hits Lance with a golf club and kills him. Wait, I thought this was a comedy? You don't kill off main characters! And a gay panic murder is ridiculous!

12.  Cliff, who Freddie  the Twink hooked up with earlier,  is the Queen's Counsel (prosecuting attorney).  He informs the gang that Daniel has pled not guilty to the murder.  

13. Daniel is convicted, but it's not over. Henry's friends think that he caused the murder by driving Lance away, and Freddie is afraid to start a relationship because it might turn abusive. The gang eventually breaks up, and Henry is alone again.  

Years later, Henry runs into Freddie, and they reminisce about happier times.


Beefcake: Mostly unattractive guys, but lots of butts and dicks.

Gay Characters: Everyone is gay or bi.

My Grade: Some scenes reminded me of life in West Hollywood.  But it strayed too far into abuse, manipulation, betrayal, and "homosexual panic." C

Nearly everybody has his dick out on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

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