"All-American": Beach Hunks Who Play Football

This Netflix icon is obviously meant to draw the attention of gay men to the tv series, with a shirtless hunk gazing at another shirtless hunk with homoromantic ardour.  But I've been burned by Netflix bait-and-switch before, and besides, I don't know what an "all-American" is (some sort of hamburger?).  So it's on to wikipedia.

All-American is based on the life of Spencer Paysinger, who I never heard of.  Spencer James (Daniel Ezra, the black guy in the top photo) is "star wide receiver at Crenshaw High School who transfers to Beverly Hills High to play football, but is switched to playing Quarterback."

So he isn't playing football anymore, he is demoted to another game called Quarterback?  But I always thought that Quarterback was a player type.  And not a humiliating demotion, an honor:  "He's the star quarterback, swoon."

The wikipedia page is all mixed up, but I think I got the basic plot: South Crenshaw is the Hood, and Beverly Hills is the ritzy neighborhood where Will goes to live with his Uncle Phil and Cousin Carlton on Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

This South Crenshaw, a portmanteau of South L.A. and Crenshaw, is a hotbed of gang violence. Spencer leaves behind:
1. His mother (Karimah Westbrook)

2. His father (Chad L. Coleman,  left), the football coach at Crenshaw High.

3. His younger brother Dillon (Jalyn Hall), who wants to play football but is stuck with degrading basketball instead (now it's basketball that's degrading?)

4. His bff Coop (Bre-Z), a lesbian who gets kicked out of the house when she comes out to her homophobic Mom.

5. Some girlfriends of both Spencer and Coop

6. Some teammates (Spence Moore II, Mitchell Edwards, left)

7. Some  gang members (Jay Reeves, Demetrius Shipp Jr., Kareem J. Grimes).  Coop is interested in keeping out of the gang or something.

In Beverly Hills, Spencer gets:

1. His coach, Billy (Taye Diggs), who he moves in with.  All is not what it seems: Coach Billy graduated from Crenshaw South High School, where he dated Spencer's Mom.

2. Coach Billy's son Jordan (Michael Evans  Behling), who is conflicted because his mother is white, so he doesn't feel that he fits into black culture.  He hates Spencer, both because of the football competition and because his girlfriend Layla is into the dangerous bad boy from the Hood.

3. Coach Billy's daughter Olivia (Samantha Logan), who is dating football player Asher (Cody Christian, left), but dumps him because she's into Spencer, too.

Is this guy, like made of pheremones, or something?

4. Billy's father (Brent Jennings), a former football coach, the only person in the family who is not trying to get into Spencer's pants. 

5. 1980s hunk Casper Van Dien as Asher's father (Asher is the ex-boyfriend of Coach Billy's daughter Olivia, remember).  Like all parents on this show, Casper is a former football player and coach.

6. Some other teammates, such as party boy JJ (Hunter Clowdus).

7. Some miscellaneous girls who fawn over Spencer.  Apparently the show bible states that "all the girls are interested in Spencer," and the writers took it literally.  Come on, he's not even hot.

All this teen dating intrigue and father-son baggage was too complicated for me, so I just fast-forwarded through a few episodes, looking for the homoromantic scene, or any buddy-bonding of any sort.

Gay Subtexts:  I couldn't find any.  Most male characters seem to be disagreeable jerks.

Sports:  There's at least one football game in every episode.

Beefcake:  There's a beach scene, hot tub scene, or strip poker scene in every episode, dozens of mega-hunks wandering around looking at girls.  You want to yell "Open your eyes! There's a hot guy standing right next to you!"

Heterosexism:  Yep.  In spite of the lesbian bff back home.

Tales of the City: Gay Guys, San Francisco, Who Cares?

Year after year, people tell me "The Tales of the City books are stupendous!  Amazing!  Wonderful!  The best thing every written!"

"And they're historically vital!  Gay author Armistead Maupin originally published them in serial form in the San Francisco Chronicle, back when gay characters were unheard-of in mainstream literature!"

"And you lived in San Francisco! They will resonate strongly with your experiences!"

"And they're hilarious!  You've never laughed so much in your life!  You'll love them!"

So, again and again, I pick up the first volume, Tales of the City (1978).  Midwesterner Mary Anne Singleton comes to San Francisco on vacation, converses with her old college friend Mona Ramsey, and decides to stay.

This is not the least bit humorous.  It's dull, dull, dull!

She moves into 28 Barbary Lane, where her free-spirit landlady, Anna Madrigal, tells her, "My dear, I'm not opposed to anything," and gives her a marijuana joint as a housewarming gift.  Mary Anne is determined not to be shocked.

My life in San Francisco was nothing like this!

She goes shopping, sees two guys, and wonders if they might be gay.  She's determined not to be shocked, if they are.

Maupin eases into the revelation of their gayness.   I guess he had to be very, very careful, writing for heterosexuals in the 1970s.

I can't go on.  I'm so very, very, very bored.

But sooner or later someone will start praising the books again, and I'll try again.

I already know what happens next: Mary Ann befriends a gay man named Mouse.  He starts dating A-gay gynecologist Jon Fielding, who is dying, Mona Ramsey dates D'Orothea Wilson, and Mary Anne has an affair with Beauchamp Day. Anna Madrigal turns out to be a MTF transwoman, who has an affair with Beauchamp's father-in-law, who is dying.

Got all that?

 Through eight books and thirty years, Mary Ann, Mouse, and their huge group of friends encounter angst and tragedy as life hits them with unemployment, failed romances, homophobia, transphobia, death -- lots of death -- and AIDS -- lots of AIDS.

This by you is humor?

More recently, the characters have been getting way old -- like, they remember the 1960s old -- and starting to ruminate on their mortality.  Yes, they are going to die.  So am I.  Why would I want to read about it?

Why would anyone think it was funny?

The tv miniseries (1993, 1998, 2001) were a bit more palatable, maybe because they were not so episodic, and they got into the gay characters right away, instead of hinting around for weeks and weeks.

Besides, there were naked guys. (Pictured: Thomas Gibson as Beauchamp Day.)

I can't think of any other reason to care about Tales of the City 

See also: Netflix's 'Tales of the City': Not Your Grandfather's San Francisco

Four Questions about Prasad Romijn

Prasad Romijn is a professional model who starred as a boy saddled with a psycho girlfriend in the Ava Max music video.  That was his first acting role, and there is very little else about him on the internet.  I had to do some digging to answer these four important questions.

1. Is he the son of actress and model Rebecca Romijn?

No.  Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell have twin daughters.

Besides, Rebecca grew up in Berkeley, California, and Prasad was born in Boulder, Colorado on September 10, 1998.  Here he's on the football team at Nevin Platt Middle School.

Romijn is a Dutch name, not very common in the U.S., so they may be distantl

Prasad got into modeling through his mother.  He moved to New York in 2017, shortly after he graduated from high school, and started racking up the fashion gigs.

The top photo, for instance, is from Teen Menswear Magazine.  I can't figure out what article of clothing he's supposed to be modeling.

2. Is he Hindu?  (Prasad is a Hindi name).

There's a Ty Romijn, no doubt a father or uncle, on the faculty of  Taoist Institute of Education Acupuncture in Louisville, Colorado, so Prasad has some  Eastern mysticism in his background.  But he seems to be more of a material girl.

He owns his own jewelry and clothing company called Nihmor (which I can't find online), and is "CEO of a PR and marketing company."

Plus he can hook you up with the "coolest homemade jewelry in Malibu."

Here he's got $250k of bling on his body, and is ready to "body y'all."

Urban Dictionary defines the verb "body" as "to murder."  I assume he's being metaphorical, as in "drop-dead gorgeous."

3. Does he have any nude photos?

None on his instagram, facebook, or twitter pages.  But with professional models, the beneath the belt gifts are not particularly relevant anyway.  You're supposed to be looking at the face and the bling.

4. Is he gay?

I couldn't find any references to boyfriends or girlfriends, or any references to gay people at all, but I've never heard a gay person talk like a 1990s rapper:

"Every other restaurant in New York sucks. Dig in at my homies restaurant."  (It's Baby Brasa, organic Peruvian rotisserie, owned by Peruvian celibrity chef Franco Noriega).


 

And here's a flier for his "aggressive" 20th birthday party: free food and wine, RSVP required.  Held at Esther and Carol's Restaurant in the Bowery, actually owned by Kevin King and Cordell Lochin, named after their mothers. Not a gay couple, not in a gay neighborhood.

Finally, dig this flier for the same party.  There's a mostly-naked girl in his lap (I had to crop the naked parts).

Definitely straight.

See also: The Top10 Pop Songs

The Top 10 Country Songs: Beefcake and Homophobia

Yesterday the aerobics room in the gym was playing Country-Western music again. I hid in the free weight room, where they were playing Classic Rock,but some of the machines are out in the other room, so I had no choice but to hear twang twang dead-end job twang twang women are unfaithful twang twang why can't men be men and homos not exist .

This isn't Alabama.  Who could possibly like this stuff?

I couldn't actually hear the lyrics, just the twang-twang, so I thought, maybe I was being premature.  Country-Western music may have evolved into something less...um....horrid since the days of Glen Campbell and Johnny Cash.  Maybe the new twangers are less homophobic.  Or at least know their way around a gym.

Why not give it a chance?  So I looked up the top 10 Country-Western songs for this week:

1. Blake Shelton, "God's Country": the North may be full of sinners and perverts, but the South is full of true Christians who are saved and going to heaven.

Blake, who is extremely ugly, here appears to have his head plastered on someone else's body. Couldn't he have chosen someone hot? He is well known for his homophobic tweets.

2. Morgan Wallen, "Whiskey Glasses":  I want to get drunk because my girlfriend has broken up with me, and is probably having sex with another guy right now.

Morgan here is covering up his bulge, so you can't look. I wonder if the other guy is bigger.

3. Luke Combs, "Beer Never Broke My Heart": I want to get drunk because my girlfriend has broken up with me.

4. Luke Combs, "Beautiful Crazy": My girlfriend is kooky but hot.  

I'm glad he found somebody new.

It's hard to find shirtless photos of Country-Western singers, but in this case, I don't think I want to.











5.  Kane Brown, "Good as You": My girlfriend is nice to people, plus she's hot.

Could this be the wrong Kane Brown?  He looks like a rapper, not a twanger.  But when you're looking at Country-Western stars, you take beefcake wherever you find it.

Kane is also the only singer on the list to come out against homophobia.

6. Chase Rice, "Eyes on You": My girlfriend is just plain hot. 

I wonder if she would say the same about you?

In addition to twanging, Chase Rice played football for the University of North Carolina, did something for NASCAR, and appeared on the reality tv show Survivor.















7. Thomas Rhett, "Look What God Gave Her": My girlfriend is hot, plus I'm religious.

Searching for Thomas Rhett and "gay" online, I found this tweet from 2010: "If my Ipod dies on a gay song, I'm going to kill you."

8.  Eli Young Band, "Love Ain't": My "just friends" girl is with the wrong guy, so she should dump him for me.

The only group on the list, it consists of Mike Eli, James Young, Jon Jones, and Chris Thompson, who met while attending the University of North Texas in Denton.

Apparently it wasn't in an English class.

9. Lee Brice, "Rumor":  There's a rumor going around that we're together, girl, so why don't we get together?

10. Dan + Shay, "Speechless": My girlfriend is just plain hot.

In my day, we used the plus sign + to indicate that a pair was a romantic couple, but I guess Dan Smyers and Shay Mooney both have girlfriends or wives or something.

Results: Not as political as I expected. 5 of the 10 are about how hot girls are, 2 requests for dates, 2 about lost loves, and 1 about being religious.

Heterosexism: They're all about girls, girls, girls.

Homophobia: Nothing in the lyrics.  Only 2 of the 9 stars have made homophobic statements (that I know of), but only 1 has made a pro-gay statement.

Beefcake:  Of the 9 stars, only Kane Brown has a respectable physique, and I still think that he's really a rapper.

See also: The Top 10 Pop Songs.