I haven't seen any of the American Pie movies, presuming that they are entirely heterosexist, obsessed with guys "becoming men" by having sex with girls, or pies. But I figured, it's Netflix, there may be some diversity, and there will probably be some cute guys, so I turned on American Pie: Girls' Rules.
Scene 1: Annie, naked in a trenchcoat, tries to climb over a fence. She trips, falls, and we see her butt. A lot. She climbs into Jason's bedroom for goodbye sex before he leaves for college. Jason (Zayne Emory, left) strips (nice chest). She puts a condom in her mouth so she can slide it onto his penis. It looks like she is gagged.
His parents knock on the door, with his grandparents on video chat. Trying to escape, Annie chokes on the condom and needs to be Heimliched. Then she falls backwards out the window. This is funny? The poor girl is being brutalized.
Meanwhile, Kayla is in bed with Tim (Cameron Engels, below) , asking her to "smash her pussy." Rather a violent image. The younger brother is filming them. Tim gets up to chase him (chest and shoulders shot).
Meanwhile, Michelle is masturbating to a video of President Kennedy.
Meanwhile, Stephanie has "agreed" to have sex with the pervy Principal Shankman. Instead, she films him and threatens to let it go viral unless he retires. "Never fuck with a Stifler," she says. That's supposed to mean something, I guess.
Scene 2: The four girls are in bikinis on a powerboat, discussing last night's events. They end up on a beach full of fully-clothed guys and bikini-clad girls, where a girl in a bikini announces "The East Great Falls Back-to-School Party!" It involves drinking, swimming, pontoon-boating, playing frisbee with dogs, and walking around high-fiving each other.
Stephanie is hit on by it-boy Brett. She criticizes his dick and his body spray.
Kayla and Tim fight. He breaks up with her due to her psycho jealousy.
Annie calls Jason at college, and is uptset to discover that he is at a party (Well, so is she.)
Michelle reveals her extensive collection of masturbation aids, while they look on in disgust.
Scene 3: The girls agree that they are deficient in hetero-romance. They set the goal of each finding the guy they need by Homecoming:
Kayla: a guy who is not so woke, who "just wants to fuck."
Michelle: a guy who is smart and socially conscious.
Stephanie: a nice guy, who buys you presents and asks about your day.
Annie: true love.
I'm pretty sure that Stephanie is going to turn out to be gay.
Scene 4: The girls are walking in slow-motion through the school, while everyone stops and stares. I don't see how they are unusual. They reject a number of eyeglass guys (glasses! the height of ugliness!) and fat guys (Michelle is rather plump, so what's the problem?)
Michelle is late, running down the hall, when she crashes into the janitor's cart (janitor is apparently someone we're supposed to recognize). Grant (Darren Barnet, top photo) helps her up.
Kayla tries to get back together with Tim
This is getting boring. I fast forward.
Only one more half-naked jock scene.
Nope, Stephanie is straight. She gets Edd Quinn (left).
It looked for a moment like Tim was going to be gay, but nope.
Everyone gets a heterosexual romance. And girl boobs outnumber male physiques 100 to 1.