Shia LaBeouf: From gay-subtext teencom to heterosexual porn. At least he shows his dick a lot.

    Link to the nude photos

Even Stevens (2000-2003) was one of the first, and best, of the Disney Channel teencoms, featuring middle-school boyfriends Louis and Twitty (Shia LaBeaouf, A.J. Trauth).  Episode plots emphasize their romance:

Louis becomes jealous when Twitty starts hanging out with a girl.

Louis becomes jealous when Twitty starts hanging out with a boy.

Louis becomes a celebrity, straining his relationship with Twitty.

 I remember an episode where they were sitting together on the couch, not on opposite ends like most people, but squeezed in with their thighs pressing together.  "They're not even trying to hide it," I thought.  

Add Nick Spano as a hunky older brother with little interest in girls and Fred Meyers as older sister's swishy bff, and you have a gay-subtext classic. 

Seasons change, teencoms are cancelled, and the actors move on.  Nick Spano, left, majored in English literature at UCLA and now runs the Re/Creation Cafe.  

AJ Trauth, top photo, lives in Ohio. 

Fred Meyers is a paramedic.

As far as I can tell, they're all heterosexual in real life.

And what about Louis Stevens, Shia LaBeouf?

He moved into dark, depressing indies about lost, dying, grieving, and enraged youth:

A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints: as his friends are killed or kill themselves, Shia believes that he is protected by the saints.

Bobby: The night of Robert Kennedy's assassination

Disturbia. A teen under house arrest "rear-windows" a serial killer.

When he veered into science fiction, as in Transformers, it was always a boy and a girl gazing into each other's eyes forever.

He shows his penis on screen for the first time in the 2012 music video Sigur Rós: Fjögur píanó, which looks Icelandic but is actually in English.  It's about a boy and a girl gazing into each other's eyes forever.

More dick and a Catholic priest after the break

Dan Benson: Gay-Vague Beefcake of Waverly Place

With all the beefcake on the Disney Channel's Wizards of Waverly Place (2007-2013),  it was easy to ignore Dan Benson.  He's the one in the middle, squeezed between David Henrie and Greg Sulkin, with his pants undone.

Here's a closeup of a pic on the Wizards of Waverly Place post, with David Henrie and Jake T. Austin.

Dan is as buffed as his costars -- he tweets that he can do "100 pushups a second" --  and is just as fond of homoerotic horseplay, but onscreen he de-emphasizes his hotness so you'll notice his acting.

Born in Springfield, Missouri in 1987, Dan and his brother Nick  were discovered by a scouting agency in 2002 and flown to California, where they began working in commercials and feature films.  After a starring role was in Little Black Book (2004), Dan made the rounds of Disney/Nickelodeon teencoms, appearing on Zoey 101 and Phil of the Future (with Raviv Ullman).

In December 2007, he was hired to play "Zack," a boy that the teenage wizard Justin (David Henrie) encounters at the movies on a episode of Wizards of Waverly Place.   The producers were so impressed by the actors' chemistry that they made "Zeke" a recurring character, Justin's best friend to counterbalance the strong bond between his sister Alex and her bff Harper.

Bucking the tradition of the best friend being merely an unrestrained version of the main teen, Zeke developed into his own unique character, with interests that had nothing to do with Justin. In fact, in later episodes he began hanging out with Max (Jake T. Austin) more than Justin.   Gay-vague, he displays little hetero-horniness, except late in the series where he is hooked up with Harper, apparently in an attempt to heterosexualize him.

Outside of Wizards, Dan's work has also minimized heterosexual interest to up the gay subtexts.

Doers of Coming Deeds (2006) is about three members of the Hitler Youth in Nazi Germany who befriend a Jewish family.

In The Rig (2010), crew members of an off-shore oil rig fight a monster.  Dan plays Colin Brewer, a crewman who is killed after telling his brother (Stacey Hinnen) "I love you."

He also starred in Hanna's Gold (2010), a "family" drama about two troublemaking girls sent to a ranch run by Luke Perry.  His character, Luke, helps the girls search for buried treasure but doesn't romance them.  In fact, no one romances anyone, though the two bad guys they encounter could be a couple.

His brothers, Michael and Nick, are also actors (seen here at the Rig premiere).

See also:  Dan Benson: Gay vague Disney channel teen hunk finds a new career showing gay men his dick

Tony Cavalero's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 1: Boner pills, dildos, Death Water, and "Why the hell not"?

  

Link to the nude photos

This is a collection of hot or humorous photos of Tony Cavalero, best known as Dewey on The School of Rock,  Ozzie Ozbourne in Dirt, and Keefe on The Righteous Gemstones, with a few nude photos of his friends.

1. You post these beefcake photos, and expect me to settle down?  Dude, that's impossible.

2. "I'll be home late.  They want to re-shoot the scene with my cock out, so half the crew will be asking for a selfie."

3. "Why do I have to be in makeup for this scene?"

4. Tony plays a hijacker on an episode of the spy spoof Archer. Kayvan Novak plays Fabian Kingsworth, the head of a rival agency.

5. "I thought dildos were supposed to be bigger than your dick."

6. You definitely want this photo of Tony in an "American born and bred" t-shirt, his belly and underwear showing, drinking Liquid Death water under the Hollywood sign.  Don't pretend that you don't.

More Tony after the break. Warning: Explicit

Even Stevens: Shia Labeouf's Gay Subtext Teencom

Today Shia LaBeouf stars in quirky independent movies, but in the early 2000s, he was the Disney Channel's Next Big Thing. He starred in two Disney Channel movies, Hounded (2001) and Tru Confessions (2002); he guest starred on  The Proud Family and The Nightmare Room; he appeared on all of its reality programs, including Express Yourself, Movie Surfers, and  Super Short Show.

And he starred in Even Stevens (2000-2003), about Louis Stevens, a mischievous middle-school boy who bedevils his upper-middle class Jewish family, especially his older sister Ren and older brother Donnie.

Not a big fan of the gay community, Shia Labeouf today is the source of casual heterosexism, makes casual homophobic comments, and punched a guy in the face for "accusing" him of being gay.  But his Louis Stevens would probably be a strong ally.  He is intensely girl-crazy, and gets a steady girlfriend by the third season, but he is surrounded by gay people.  

His best friend, Twitty (A. J Trauth), is flamboyantly feminine, rarely expresses any interest in girls,  and has an obvious crush on him.  

A.J. Trauth's soft features and flamboyance prompted many real-life gay rumors, particularly when he was photographed wearing a t-shirt that read "Boy Toy."  A boy toy is an attractive younger man who has sex with an older man in exchange for money and gifts. 

But he is apparently heterosexual.  Today he lives in Odessa, Texas and performs in the band Maven.

Ren has a gay-coded best friend, Nelson Minkler (Gary LeRoi Gray), who is prissy, intellectual, not interested in girls, and obviously interested in Louis' older brother, Donnie.  After Even Stevens, he starred as a gay teenager in Noah's Arc: Jumping the Broom (2003), the film sequel of the Logo tv series about a group of gay black men.

Donnie Stevens (Nick Spano) is a bodybuilder who wanders around the house shirtless, providing ample beefcake.  He also expresses no interest in girls; in one episode he states that he has "a date," but carefully avoids pronouns, to leave the question of his date's gender open.  However, he is frequently seen with boys, and he has a particular interest in his coach (Tom Wise).

Prior to Even Stevens, Nick Spano played mostly muscular hunks who were required to take their shirts off, or everything off.  He starred in two gay-themed movies, The Journey: Absolution (1997) with Mario Lopez, and Defying Gravity (1997).  No word on whether he's gay or straight in real life.

With all of that gay-friendly talent and gay subtext, Shia must have felt rather uncomfortable on the set.

See also:. Shia Labeouf: From gay subtext teencom to heterosexual porn.  At least he shows his dick a lot.

Robert Oberst's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: Beefy boyfriends, helicopter penis, and strongman sex

 

Link to the nude photos

This is a collection of hot or humorous photos of Robert Oberst, a professional strongman who held the American record for the log press.  He starred in two strongman reality programs, and played Cousin Karl in Righteous Gemstones Season 3.

1. "Want to play with my balls?"

2. "So, Eddie, are you big all over?"

3. Well, now you know.

4. "How do you play the Helicopter Penis game?"

5. Robert demonstrates

 6. "I don't remember where I left my underwear."

More after the break

"A Simple Favor": Plot-twist heavy film noir with lesbians and a swishy queen. Keep a collection of penis photos handy

I innocently turn on Netflix to see what's new, and suddenly a young woman is dancing maniacally, tossing her hair in all directions like she wants to get whiplash, as she tosses stuff into a suitcase.  I've never seen any dance like that except in Haitian drum ceremonies where you are possessed by an orisha, and on tv commercials, where the lady has found eternal happiness by changing her brand of dishwashing liquid. She continues to dance maniacally as she unloads the moving van, dances up the stairs and into the bedroom.  Then she stops and stares at the 170 pairs of shoes in the wardrobe.  She looks horrified.  Did she accidentally move into someone else's house, or is someone living in her house?  But I've got to see what's going on.

The movie is A Simple Favor, about a simple favor the spins out of control.

Scene 1: Stephanie, in one of those absurdly elegant kitchens that passes for "lower middle class" in movies, is starting a vlog on how to make zucchini chocolate chip cookies. Ugh. She stops to tell viewers how worried she is that her best friend Emily is missing.  Emily asked Stephanie to pick up her son from school, but never came home. Any chance that the son is a high school football jock played by a 30-year old fitness model?

Scene 2: Flashback to what happened: International Cuisine Day in Stephanie's son's first grade class.  Darn it!  There are 12 kids playing instead of eating the cuisine, while Stephanie volunteers for everything, and two moms and a gay dad played by Andrew Rannells make snarky comments about the absent Emily. 

The sons of Stephanie and Emily have become friends, and want a play date. "We'll have to wait and ask your mother"

A car approaches, and absurdly elegant high-heeled shoes get out and walk toward the drop-off.  It's Emily, wearing a man's business suit, channelling a stuck-up version of Diane Keaton in Annie Hall.

The boys make their request, but she says no, she already has a play date with "a symphony of anti-depressants." Hey getting high instead of minding your kid is child abuse!  Besides, "I let you tear my labia as you exited my womb, so we're even."  I don't know what a labia is, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to know.

But she gives in, and asks Stephanie to come along as a play-date chaperone.  There's a chocolate martini in it for her.  

Scene 3: Emily's absurdly elegant house.  There's a painting in the living room: a close-up of her vagina.  The camera zooms in on it for five minutes and shows it intermittently for the rest of the scene.  I can see why lesbians like this movie so much.  If it was a giant painting of a penis, I'd be dancing maniacally.  Emily tells us that she modeled for painters in college, but this "perv" got obsessed with her, so she dumped him and took the painting.  It's not worth anything, though.

Emily hates her house -- a "f*king money pit,"  the town -- "a f*king shit-hole", and her husband, who wrote a bestseller ten years ago and nothing since. He's completely impotent, on the page and in the bedroom.  

Well, Stephanie can top that. Her husband died in a car accident, with her brother in the car, so...too much information for the first date, girl!  You'll scare her away!  

Her husband had life insurance, but she's still struggling, and it will run out in 2020.  Wait, I thought this was a new movie -- nope, Netflix lied, like in those old rerun ads: "if you haven't seen it, it's new to you!"  It's from 2017.

They discuss each other's rings, tattoos, and general sexiness.  OMG, next they'll be evaluating vaginal sprays.  I need to see a penis, pronto! 

Ok, that's better, but I'm still not up to experienced, jadeded bisexual socialite seducing the innocent sweet young thing.  I'm fast-forwarding to a guy.

It's the Hubby, Sean, played by Henry Golding.  They kiss passionately, insult each other, kiss passionately, insult each other, and so on.  He definitely is not a dud in the sack. He and Emily just get aroused by complaining.  

Stephanie tries to break them up by praising his book, especially the Thackery reference, but Sean can talk and kiss at the same time:  "I'm...kiss... impressed  ...kiss.  Not many people...kiss.. get the Thackery reference.

She explains that she was an English major at Barnard.  She did her thesis on The Canterbury Tales.

He quotes from "The Knight's Tale" while kissing Emily every third word, then heads upstairs for a shower.

Scene 4: The mothers and kids at the park.  Emily is wearing a man's suit again, promoting the butch lesbian stereotype.  But Stephanie is ultra-girly.  She pretends to be a vampire or something to chase her kid around, but she's too soft and fragile.  Her dead husband, a macho man, "was much better at the roughousing stuff."  Ugh, gender polarization!  And I'm getting tired of this.   Fast forwarding again.

More after the break

"From", on MGM Plus: "Lost" in a Small Town, with Real Men Protecting their Wives and Kids

 

Amazon Prime has been pushing me to watch an episode of a series called From, a one-word title that's impossible to research, but apparently it's about a small town where "you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave." LGBT people who grew up trapped in homophobic small towns can relate. 

 It stars Harold Perrineau, Michael on Lost, so doubtless it has some intriguing mysteries inside mysteries.  And hopefully, 18 years since Lost premiered, more gay characters.

Only problem: this is a drug-dealer "first taste is free" setup.  One free episode to get you hooked, and then you have to pay.  I'm not paying, but I'll take the first taste.

Opening: MGM tells us that this is a MGM production, that MGM has always produced the world's best movies, that this is a MGM production, and that you need to subscribe to watch the other episodes.

Scene 1: A very run-down rural community, rusty cars, unpainted buildings.  Michael from Lost walks down the dirt road, ringing a bell.  People walk toward their houses. A waitress kicks two customers out of the diner -- closing time -- and touches a strange icon handing from the wall.  Michael passes a terribly cliched little girl on a swingset holding a doll. She's obviously a goner, but the background song broadcasts it: "Little girl, so young and pretty, you'll be dead before your time is due."  

In an old person's home, Deputy Kenny (Ricky He) tries to convince his eldery father, who has dementia, to go into the basement.  The nurse pulls him down; Kenny flirts with her and leaves.  

Some hippies are playing with a ball outside an old mansion.  They drop it and go inside.

Deputy Kenny joins Michael from Lost -- I guess the character is named Boyd -- and asks if it is all clear.  Yep.  Sheriff Boyd goes into the post office -- "96 nights without incident."

Scene 2:  A bearded guy tries to rouse the drunken, sleeping Frank.  His boyfriend?  No such luck -- he's the father of the swingset girl.  Bearded guy can't rouse him, so he puts tarps over the window and touches his weird icon.

Meanwhile, Swingset Girl and her Mom are wondering what's keeping Frank -- it's getting dark!  Mom sends Swingset Girl upstairs to say her prayers  -- "If I should die before I wake," hint hint.  Suddenly Grandma calls to her from outside the window: "Let me in!  I'm so lonely!"  The idiotic Swingset Girl opens the window, whereupon Grandma turns into a screaming monster.  

Opening Theme: Ahh!  It's most horribly sad, depressing song ever recorded! End of the world, end of everything, no hope, darkness, despair.  Who in his right mind would use that song for an opening theme? Do they want the audience to commit suicide?  I fast forward past, but still, I heard a few words... Now I'm going to be depressed all day.  

No, I'm not going to tell you what the song is.  That would require me to think about it.  

Scene 3: Ok, on to the much less disturbing show.  A nuclear family driving down the highway in a huge RV -- the behomoth actually has a hallway!  Teenage daughter is torturing her little brother by claiming that one of his finger puppets is dead, killed by a monster.  Foreshadowing, anyone?  Mom calms him down by pointing out that monsters don't exist, so the puppet must be alive. Foreshadowing, anyone? Dad (Eion Bailey) congratulates her on her parenting skills. 

Scene 4: Morning.  Frank (Bob Mann), who was too drunk to go home, stumbles toward his house.  Everyone is gathered round.  Sheriff Boyd attacks him: "You're a Man!  A Man takes care of his wife and kids!"  How stultifyingly sexist.  "Your wife and daughter were killed last night, and it's your fault!"  How could he have helped?  Swingset Girl let the monster in.  Sheriff  Boyd sentences him to lock-up, which will become a death sentence if he is detained overnight.

Meanwhile, the Nuclear Family is stopped by a giant tree blocking the road. Dad, who is a Man, tries to muscle it aside, but is unsuccessful.  They have no choice but to turn around. 

Scene 5:  Sheriff Boyd visits the hippie commune.  Head hippie Donna points out that he's not welcome there, but he asks to see his son.  Ok, just this once. Ok, the sheriff is hetero, but maybe the son is gay?

No such luck: Son Ellis (Corteon Moore) is in his art studio, painting a lady's portrait.  He points out how beautiful she is.  At least his shirt is open, so we get some beefcake.

Son Ellis is shocked to find out that they lost "Lauren" to the monsters last night. "Lauren is..." "I know who she is!" Lost-style mystery for its own sake.  Most of them were never resolved. 

Scene 6: The Nuclear Family driving back the way they came.  But it looks all different. Where's the highway?  They end up at the town, where everyone is gathered for the funeral of Swingset Girl and her Mom, with a priest giving the eulogy (tv tropes: all Christians are Catholic).  They all glare at the newcomers and scatter.  Sheriff Boyd gives them directions back to the highway.

They drive, but end up back at the town!  They stop to ask for directions again, and are ignored.   A girl in a 1930s sun dress complains to her overall-wearing brother that it's always bad for the new arrivals, who think that they will be able to leave.   He goes out to the barn to feed the animals.  I was wondering how they eat in this town.

The Nuclear Family ends up back in town a third time!  They argue.  Mom criticizes Dad's ability to follow directions, a major insult for a Man.  They turn around and head out again, while the townsfolk watch.  Deputy Kenny: "You think they're ready?"  Sheriff Boyd: "Go get the strip." Comic strip? No, he means a spike strip, used to stop cars.

Scene 7: During their fourth try, they hit an oncoming car and crash into a ravine!  They are all ok, except for the preteen boy, who has a table leg through his thigh! (Another inch, and he'd have been castrated, which might have impacted his chances of growing up to be a Man).  

The driver of the other car (Tobey), dazed from a head injury, stumbles toward town.  Deputy Kenny takes him to the clinic, while Sheriff Boyd investigates.  A passenger, Jade (David Alpay, left), is unhurt but obviously high.  "You have an amazing face," he tells the Sheriff, who recoils in homophobic disgust and handcuffs him to the car door.  So Jade is gay?  No such luck: Jade says that all of his rescuers are "so beautiful!"  

The Sheriff then tries to rescue the Nuclear Family. Son Ellis, Town Priest, and an EMT help.

Meanwhile, at the clinic, 1930s Sun Dress girl approaches Tobey, the driver of the other car, and reassures him that the accident wasn't his fault.  She kisses him, then stabs him through the jaw!  

Scene 8:  The Nuclear Family is all rescued, except for the preteen son: it will take two hours to extricate him from the table leg, and the sun will set in one hour!  The Sheriff tries to convince Dad that a Man takes care of his family, so his wife and daughter should go into town, where it's safe.  Ok, but Dad is staying.  So they block the windows and put up the weird icon (gee, even upside-down, that RV is the size of a house!).

Meanwhile, on the way back with  Mom, Daughter, and "You're all so beautiful!" Jade, Son Ellis and the Town Priest accidentally run over the spike strip!  And it's almost dark!  They have to run to the hippie commune: "No matter what you see, no matter what you hear, do not stop!"  So the monsters have to lure you?  They can't just grab anyone outside? 

Scene 9:  Back in the RV,  Preteen Son has a seizure.  While Dad and the EMT try to help, Sheriff Boyd looks out the window.  "They're coming," he says, as the monsters converge.  They look like people: a blond woman in a dress, a guy in a workman's suit, an old-fashioned lady librarian-type.  The end.

Beefcake: Just Son Ellis semi-shirtless.

Heterosexism: Two nuclear families, two boy-girl flirtations.

Sexism: Male-female gender polarization everywhere, with a lot of patriarchy, strong, powerful men protecting weak, passive women.

Drinking Game: Every time someone says one of these phrases, you take a drink.  You'll be drunk by minute 45: each appears about 20 times per episode.

1. Can I ask you something?

2. Are you alright?  Not really. 

3. It's not your fault.

Also closeups of people holding hands.

Gay Characters: The town doctor has a girlfriend back home. Fatima makes out with men and women both.  Daughter Julie has a crush on Fatima.  Lots of lesbian/bi women, no gay men.

My Grade: I might continue watching, just for the mystery, and it might be interesting to see the characters' lives before they were trapped on the Island (um,..I mean, in the small town).  If it weren't for the horrible sexism.  And the paywall.  And that depressing theme song....

Update after three episodes: Jade and Deputy Kenny have a little spark, but they both express heterosexual interest as well.  No beefcake except a guy having sex with a woman, and she's on top.  I think the monsters decide to bring people into the village that they think will be fun to hunt; like when the nuclear family mom and daughter got killed, they immediately brought in a new pair.

Mason Cook: The "Speechless" kid grows up, turns bohemian-hipster, builds biceps, and bares it all

  

Link to the nude photos

You're probably most familiar with Mason Cook as Ray DiMeo, sarcastic younger brother of focus character JJ (Micah Fowler) on Speechless (2015-18).  JJ has cerebral palsy and is nonverbal, "speechless."

Ray gets a lot of gay subtext plotlines, at least in Season 1.  In Season 2, he becomes annoyingly hetero-horny, and eventually gets a serious girlfriend. 

Ray's sudden movement into hetero-horniness was disturbing not only because the gay teases were overturned, but because of the "discovering girls" rhetoric. Mason is over 18 at the time, but his character is 15.  When I was 15, all I ever heard was "You'll discover girls any moment now, and everything you love will become meaningless. You'll join clubs, take classes, choose your college solely in order to see or meet girls. Your buddies will become mere strategists, helping you find, impress, and win girls. You..."

Sorry for the rant, but I really felt betrayed by Ray DiMeo in the second season.  

So you may wonder why I'm posting a profile on Mason Cook

Not because of his gay or gay-subtext performances.

Born in 2000

Guest star in teencoms like Zeke and Luther

Son of the focus charater in the crime drama Legends

Classmate of the focus character on The Middle

 An "eccentric, devout Christian" who has sex with the focus girl, sending her rushing for a "morning after pill," in Plan B.  This was nominated for a GLAAD award because a major character is trans, but Mason is straight.

Not because of his physique.  

The few shirtless photos on Mason's social media suggest that he doesn't spend a lot of time at the gym.

Although he has developed some biceps recently.

More after the break

Robert Oberst's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 1: Fifty burgers, bondage, butts, an oral lesson, and the love of his life

  

Link to the bondage and butts

This is a collection of hot or humorous photos of Robert Oberst, a professional strongman who held the American record for the log press.  He starred in two strongman reality programs, and played Cousin Karl in Righteous Gemstones Season 3.

1. "Freedom from wearing pants!"

2. Guidance counselor: "Do you want to model underwear or lift 400-pound logs?" 

Robert: "Heck with that. I'm doing both." 

3. Even when you have a home gym, it can be fun to work out with other guys. 

4. And hit the sauna afterwards

5. Dinner at a romantic bistro -- notice the couple holding hands in the background: Fify burgers, no buns, 200 wings, but just one piece of pie.  The other is for his date.

6. "It's your own fault for trying to steal one of my french fries."

More Robert after the break

Workaholics 6.1: Blake is gay in this one, but don't worry, Adam still likes men. With bonus Dane cock...I mean Cook

 

Link to the NSFW review

Workaholics, with Adam Devine, Blake Anderson, and Anders Holm as a trio of loveable goofballs, rarely disappoints.  Adam takes his shirt off more often than not, and usually expresses an interest in men, or at least penises.   But not always, and there are a lot of "let's look at naked ladies!" plotlines -- this was on Comedy Central, after all -- so going in cold, reviewing an episode without watching it first is risky. 

So let's go.   Episode 6.1, "The Wolves of Rancho," a parody of The Wolves of Wall Street -- the guys work as telemarketers in Rancho Cucamonga.

Scene 1: At the office, instead of working, Blake and Ders are having  a beatbox battle, while Adam moderates. 

Scene 2: The guys continue to avoid work, hiding behind the office to eat noodles.  Suddenly Cushing (Liam Hemsworth), who used to work there, drives up in his Porsche.   They're amazed: "You've changed -- you used to look horrible, but now you're hot."  

And how can a telemarker afford a Porsche?  It's because he transfered to the Van Nuys office, where his boss, JP (Dane Cook, below), is an inspiration.  

Scene 3: They yell at their own boss, Alice.  Why do they spend all day doing beat-box contests and taking naps?  Why aren't they making the big commissions? Because she's a lousy leader.  They insist that she transfer them to the Van Nuys branch, where they can be inspired by a real leader, and become great men and "playboy pimps."  She agrees.

Scene 4: Their new office, all dark and deserted.  A guy on the telephone tells them to "sell me on each other."  Blake: "He could sell sand to Sandra Bullock."  Adam: "He's like a hammerhead shark of telemarketing."  That's enough: The lights go on, and everyone pops out like at a surprise party.  They have a week to prove that they belong at the money-making machine.

Cushing give them the tour -- they each get their own office, decorated however they want, and there are new suits and hair gel products for them.  Hey, Cushing just  "goosed" a passing guy.  That's sexual harassment, buddy, but at least it demonstrates that he is into men.

Scene 5: JP's inspirational speech: "We're gonna take this week, and butt-f*k it until it dumps Monday."  I don't know what that means, except for the butt-f*king part.  The employees are all dudes, except for two women standing in the background.  Looks like some gender discrimination going on, and quite a lot of dudebro homoeroticism.

JP explains his shark sales strategy: If an old guy says no because he spent all his money on his heart medication, what do you do?  Tell him to buy, and skip the medication!  No means yes!  Adam is horrified, but goes along with it.

Scene 6: End of day: "You crushed it!  200 sales!"  Presumably that means the whole office, not just the guys.  "Now you get to work late and make 200 more!" The guys are exhausted, but it's stay late or get fired. So, do they get time and a half?

To motivate them during their overtime, the big-dicked John Jordan will be coming around with botox injections, and there are sushi strippers: you pick sushi off their naked bodies, presumably trying to reveal the good parts.  Plus Pauly Shore, known for playing annoying characters, in a cage. "If you meet your quota, you can "wease the juice" with him."  I don't know what that means, but it sounds dirty.

Cut to the guys in their offices, doing hard-sells: "Do you care about the happiness of your children?"  Ders is juggling, Adam working out; and Blake doing martial arts. I know this is a "grass is always greener" workplace episode, but isn't Adam contractually obligated to take off his shirt at least once? 

He takes it off after the break

"Speechless," Season 2: I Am Disgustipated

I liked the first season of Speechless (2016-), the sitcom starring J. J. DiMeo (Micah Fowler), a teenager with cerebral palsy, who is wheelchair bound and "speechless," and his crazy relatives. It was nice to see a disabled character who was neither a saint nor a jerk, especially since the need to communicate without speech results in broad, theatrical, feminine gestures that could easily be read as gay.

Micah Fowler can speak but uses a wheelchair in real life.  Here he completes a mile-long walk with the aid of a special walking device.  Nice arms.

Plus J.J.'s early-teen brother Ray (18-year old Mason Cook, left) was not unbearably girl-crazy, and his personal attendant Kenneth (Cedric Yarbrough) was presented as so roly-poly asexual that he could be read as gay, too.

That left Mom and Dad, who were of course the leaders of a frazzled sitcom nuclear family, but came across more like team leaders than romantic partners.



Then came Season 2. Gulp.  Ok, we've got the audience used to this disabled kid, so let's pull out all the stops.  It will be nonstop Girls! Girls! Girls!

In the season premiere, the family hatches a wild scheme to get J.J. to kiss the girl he met at summer camp. Later he dates Norah, a new special needs girl at school.

J.J. and his brother get free tickets to a movie they're both dying to see, but at the last minute J.J. ditches him for a girl. Ray shouldn't be upset; he should know that on tv, male friendships are ephemeral.  A buddy will drop you in an instant if a girl smiles at him.

J.J. lies about his disability on an online dating app to get more girls interested.

In one episode, J.J. starts a brief buddy-bond with an actor starring in a movie he wants to be in (Nick Viall, left).

Later he has a "friend date" with Aaron (Christian Lees), a boy he really, really wants to like him.

And in a Halloween episode, Ray switches bodies with a girl and doesn't express any homophobic panic.

But that's cold comfort.

Ray pursues several girls before settling down with Taylor. So episodes involve meeting the parents, wanting to get more physical, having "the talk" with Dad, and so on.  Then they break up, and Taylor starts dating another boy, so Ray is jealous.

Ok, the kid is 18, but his character is about 15.  Do we really need a serious romance?

Kenneth suddenly has an ex-wife and girl-crushes.

Even the preteen Dylan, a girl, starts sparking over boys.

Of course, gay people do not exist.

I am disgustipated.

See also: Mason Cook: The "Speechless" kid grows up, turns hipster-bohemian, and shows his biceps and dick