Dance Brothers: two brothers open a dance club in Helsinki. I'm sorry, but one of them has got to be gay, 100% certain.. I don't care that 4 of the first 7 cast members on the IMDB are women: the trailer just shows the two dancing, hugging, arguing, hugging, and preparing to kiss. Of course they won't actually be involved in fraternal incest, but the homoerotic energy between the two actors will make for an interesting subtext.
Scene 1: The brothers, Roni (Roderick Kabanga) and Sakari (Samuel Kujara) are auditioning for a stage musical. Ulp: instead of the assigned choreography, they perform their own pas-a-deux, full of homoerotic crotch-grabbing and gesturing at each other. The choreographer is not pleased.
"Can we have until tomorrow to learn your choreography, then?" Roni asks. "It looks easy, just musical fluff stuff."
The choreographer is not pleased again. Do you know what a dance audition is? The choreographer has all the power.
They leave, assuring each other that they don't need this dumb job, act like they're about to kiss, and assure each other that they will find something better than this dumb-ass no-account famous musical.
Scene 2: Nope, they didnd't find something better. Roni is working in the back-back room of an office, and Sakari is a bartender at a straight bar.
They get cast in a tv commercial which requires them to dance in mid-air. It's better than nothing, but still, Mom, who works at a laundromat, advises them to look for a more stable line of work.
"We're not giving up," Roni assures Sakari. "We're just working to get enough money to fund our own projects, so we won't have to beg for jobs from no-talent nothings."
"And move out of my house!" Mom adds. "I ain't running no hotel!" No, hotel guests pay you.
Their goal is to perform at the Helsinki International Dance Festival. Then sponsors will start pouring in, and they'll be able to start Drastic (I don't know what that is). In order to go to the HIDF, they need to join Arvola's dance company: by a tv-only coincidence, he's looking for two new dancers.
In another tv-only coincidence, a rich Persian lady happens to be at the laundromat, picking up a rug, and is mesmerized by the boys' practice routine. I expect that she will become a benefactor
Scene 3: Night. Sakari gets the couch, and Roni camps out on the floor.
But they're in their Mom's house. Didn't they have their own bedroom growing up?Uh-oh, while looking for beefcake (of which there is absolutely none), I found this photo of Sakari forehead-bumping a woman or drag queen. It's the same "about to kiss" forehead bump that he uses with his brother, so maybe it's nonsexual, fraternal affection, but I wouldn't count on it.
Cut to their audition for Arvola's crew. Guys, perform the required choreography now, not your "I'm desperate to sleep with my brother! number. Arvola is a guy, accompanied by a supermodel-type named Vilma. Roni asks Sakari if he's kept in contact with her. So, an old dance school buddy?
Arvola calls for Roni, but he insists on auditioning with Sakari: "We do everything together." Yes, that's obvious, Dude.
Sorry, I made a mistake: Vilma is an elderly woman with a man's haircut, too old to be Sakari's dance school buddy.
They perform their standard "Brothers in love" number. Later Arvola texts the ones who made it: Roni, no, Sakari, yes, but he pretends that he got rejected because, of course, he can't bear to be separated from his lover...um, brother.
Scene 4: All of the dancers head to the park to dance (recreationally) and get high. Sakari gets a tongue-rolling, hormone-sloshing expression of overwhelming horniness, and points out the Girl of His Dreams to Roni. Spoiler alert: they'll be hooking up, as judged from the forehead-pressing in the Scene 3 photo.
They rush over, and Roni helps Sakari flirt -- by telling her that they use their Mom's laundry as a rehearsal space (guys, the first rule of cruising is: never mention your mother!).
They all move into a group of dancers, where Sakari explains that all of the other choreographers in the world are worthless "circle-jerks." We're by far the most talented choreographers who have ever lived, so we will single-handedly bring real dance to Finland by combining our undeniable technical superiority with feeling and heart. No one has ever thought of making dances emotional before. Guys, your pathological self-aggrandizement used to be funny. Now it's just annoying.
Scene 5: They begin recreational dancing. Sakari gets the Girl alone and tries a forehead-pressing move. She rejects him, but then laughs: she was playing hard to get. So no doesn't mean no, it means "try again"?
"I've watched your dance videos a hundred times." Sakari continues. "Not in a creepy, mastubatory way, but for dance tips. I like you as a dancer, not as a girl. There's nothing sexual in my feelings for you" You don't flirt with girls very often, do you, Sakari? I haven't asked a girl for a date in over 40 years, but even I can tell that you're screwing up.
Fortunately, Roni shows up to save him, and they all dance some more. You'd think that professional dancers would do something else on theit time off.
Uh-oh, a woman gets angry at a guy for grabbing her butt. Sakari and Roni intervene. The guy pulls out a knife, and he and his crew chase them across the field, over several fences, and across dumpsters. Why are they so invested in hurting the boys? They didn't do anything except say "Calm down."
Scene 6: They hide in a building under renovation or being constructed or something, and discuss the day. Does Sakari really have a chance with The Girl? Then: "Hey, this place would be great for a dance club where we could perform the world's greatest choreography! Let's buy it! We can use the money sponsers will throw at us when they realize that we are the world's greatest dancers!"
Uh-oh, a security guard is after them. This is a heavily-foreshadowed big deal, for some reason. Instead of running away, Roni rushes up and clobbers him with a shovel! Dude, aggravated assault to avoid a trespassing fine?
Ulp, not a security guard: Arvola, head of the dance troupe that just hired Sakari. And they killed him! The end. This turned into a drama very quickly.
Beefcake: None.
Other sights: Anonymous spaces in Helsinki.
Heterosexism: A Girl of His Dreams plotline.
Gay Characters: Roni doesn't express any heterosexual interest in this episode, but Netflix changed their cover blurb to show him preparing to forehead-butt the elderly lady from the audition, while she checks to see if she still has a pulse.
Come on, she's not that old. Brotherly Love: Surely the brothers are aware of what their highly eroticized gay-subtext relationship looks like to outsiders? Or is this a Finnish cultural trait: "We're brothers. Of course we want to have sex."
Delusions of Grandeur: A little of that "every choreographer in the world is shit except us" goes a long way.
Will I Keep Watching: Heck, no.