The Most Heterosexist, Tone-Deaf, Annoying Song of All Time

For the last three days, every time I've gone to the gym, the local Top 40 radio station has bleated out the most annoying song in history.  I don't know the title or the performer, just:

1. The lyrics: immensely, intensely, nauseatingly heteronormative.  All the lyrics I can hear are "I met a gi--iii--rrlll.  We fell in lo---ooo---ve"  "kiss me slo---ooo---oww."

Yeah, so you met a girl.  I've met lots of girls.  They're like half the population of the planet, right.  What's the big deal?

So you fell in love.  Don't most people fall in love and kiss? Unless they are celibate, not into romance, or extremely socially awkward.  What's the big deal? 
Surely you're not implying that for boys, meeting a gi---iii---rlll and falling in lo---ooo---ve is the meaning of life?  Heterosexual desire is universal human experience, gay people do not exist?

But that's not the end of the horror.

2.  A simplistic four-four beat that they teach you in grade school, plus annoying triplets (three notes shoved into two) that plod in your your head like a hammer, especially if you're on a weight machine.  "I met a gi---clank---iiii---clank----rlll--clank."

3. Sudden change of register to an annoying falsetto high note.  "I met a (normal)...gi...iiii....rllll- falsetto falsetto falsetto..."

4. It goes on forever and ever.  Just when you think there's a reprise, there's more "I met a ...."

Here's the first of the 3000 verses:

I met a gi---iii--rlll, beautiful and swe--eee---eeet
I never knew you were the someone waiting for me-eee-eee
'Cause we were just kids when we fell in loo--ooo--vve

Want to guess who he meets in the third verse?

So I looked up the monstrosity.   It wasn't easy -- the title isn't "I met a gi--iii--rlll," it's "Perfect," sung in an amateurish beat with annoying falsettos by someone named Ed Sheehan.

Must be a squeaky-voiced teenager who got his song to play because his daddy owns the radio station.

Wait -- he has a wikipedia page?

You won't believe this -- there's someone with the same name as the "I met a gi--iii--rrll" Ed Sheehan, a British singer, and he's  famous!  He has sold 38 million albums and 100 million singles, making him one of the highest selling singers in the world.  His debut album, + (pronounced "Plus"), has gone sextuple platinum.

These are the songs of the famous Ed Sheehan:

1. "The A Team," which is not about the tv show, it's about a prostitute addicted to crack.
2. "Lego House," which is not about a lego house, but about a deranged stalker fan.
3. "Sing," which is not about singing, it's about a man trying to convince a woman to have sex
4. "Blood Stream," which is not about blood, it's about a drunk who can't get laid
5. "Shape of You," which is about being attracted to a woman and having sex with her.

6. Gulp. "Perfect," which is about meeting a gi--iii---rll who is perfect.

Wait -- it's the same Ed Sheehan?  But how could someone so famous release something so horrible?

Heterosexist and tone-deaf.  Is he homophobic, too?

In 2009 and 2010, he tweeted a lot of "no homo" statements.

In 2011 he complained about a "gay, faggoty man" in a rap battle with another musician. 

In 2012 he takes the time to tweet: "I am not gay.  Enjoy the music."

 In 2017 he posted a rainbow flag to encourage Australians to vote in favor of same-sex marriage, and waved one live at a show at London's O2 arena.

Ok, just heterosexist and tone-deaf.  What about his physique?

Want to see him with his shirt off?  Are you sure?

Trigger warning: it's gross

After the break

The Top 10 Hunks of "Once Upon a Time," Season 4

By watching an episode almost every day, we're now near the end of Season 4 of Once Upon a Time.  It's been a wild ride, and rather exhausting, with characters from every fairy tale, legend, and popular novel intermingling, switching from evil to good to back again, switching alliances, and having a previously unmentioned back history with every other character.

So far there have only been 2 gay moments:
1. Mulan expresses a romantic interest in Princess Aurora.
2. Michael and John Darling (Peter Pan) masquerade as a gay couple attempting to adopt a child.

But there are lots of characters who display no heterosexual interest and can therefore be read as gay: Ella, Ursula, Smee (Captain Hook's second in command), Dr. Hopper (Jiminy Cricket in human form).

And the beefcake comes fast and furious, like the romance aisle at the bookstore.

The first half of the season brought in all the characters from Disney's Frozen (except that talking snowman), and had them fighting the Snow Queen, Ingrid (Elizabeth Mitchell, who played one of the Others on Lost).

1. Scott Michael Foster  (top photo) as a comic-relief Kristoff

2. Tyler Jacob Moore as Prince Hans, who takes over the kingdom of Arendale in the absence of its sister-queens.

3.Marcus Rosner as Jurgen, one of Hans' 12 older brothres.

And in a subplot, formerly evil queen Regina starts a Happy Ending with Robin Hood, only to have his previously-dead wife zapped up from the past, only to have her revealed as actually Regina's evil sister in disguise, plotting to destroy their Happy Ending.

4. Charles Mesure as Blackbeard the Pirate, who steals the Jolly Roger from Hook.

5. Will Traval as the Sheriff of Nottingham, who Regina's mother tries to hook her up with as an alternative to Robin Hood.

The second half of the season brings in three Big Bads, each of whom has a goal perfectly aligned with the "daddy and mommy issues" overall theme of the series:  Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty wants to be reunited with her daughter, also a dragon-human hybrid; Cruella De Ville from 101 Dalmatians, who wants to be reconciled with her mother;  Ursula from The Little Mermaid wants the singing voice that her father, Poseidon, stole from her.

6. Sebastian Roche as King Stefan, who Maleficent curses before she gets around to Princess Aurora.

7. Ernie Hudson (show in his buffed days) as a ridonkulous Poseidon, God of the Sea, Ursula's father.

In a subplot, Regina, formerly the Evil Queen, tries to find the Author of their stories, who can manipulate the events in their lives and give her a Happy Ending.  He turns out to be a ne'er do well tv salesman from our world who got roped into writing down the stories by the 1000-year old Sorcerer's Apprentice, who in turn takes orders from a mysterious deep-voiced fireball who might be God.

8.  Eion Bailey as August Booth/Pinocchio, who was turned into a 10-year old boy a couple of seasons back, but is restored to adulthood because he knows where to find the Author.

9. Patrick Fischler as the Author.

10. The scary talking fireball isn't God after all, but Merlin from the Arthurian legends (Elliot Knight), who will apparently be a Big Bad of Season 5.

A whole plotline about the hunky knights of Camelot?  I can hardly wait.