Jun 27, 2020

"Come to Daddy": Elijah Wood is Gay for 45 Minutes

The title Come to Daddy, has a creepy, quasi-erotic feel, perfect for a "psychological thriller."  It stars Elijah Wood, who always plays gay-vague roles, and Stephen McHattie, who was hot back in the day, so I'm in.

Prologue: Quotes from Shakespeare and Beyonce?

Scene 1: Ah, wilderness!  A Timberline bus stops amid the big trees to let out a man in a black hat, who turns out to be Norval (Elijah Wood).

He walks through the big trees to a big lake.

He loses his hat, revealing a really stupid bowl-hair cut.  Finally he reaches a very distinctive two-story house shaped like the Jupiter 2 on Lost in Space, with a balcony overlooking the rocks.

How do they get groceries up there? Is there a road?  If so, wouldn't it be easier than the wilderness trek?

Craggy, creepy Dad (Stephen McHattie) answers the door, glaring suspiciously.  Crazy as a loon, Dad takes awhile to catch on that Norval is his long-estranged son, whom he wrote a letter inviting to visit..  Finally Dad invites him in.

Scene 2:  Unpacking in his room, Norval takes his cell phone out of his pocket --close up of his crotch.  Suddenly Dad barges in and asks for a photo. Is it just me, or did that exchange have homoerotic undertones?

Dad "accidentally" drops Norval's cell phone in the ocean, so he can't call anyone.  Uh-oh, 

Scene 3: At dinner, Dad razzes Norval for still living with his mother at his age ("You sleep with her?" he asks).  Then he pushes Norval to drink some wine.  Norval explains that his alcohol dependency led to an attemptd suicide, but Dad continues to push.

Norval hasn't mentioned a wife or girlfriend. The first rule of gay subtexts: if they don't mention a lady, they can be read as gay.  And Dad, although brash and vulgar, is refreshingly free of heterosexual braggadochio -- no "this gal in Shanghai could do things with her tongue!"

Scene 4:  After dinner, the two realize that they know next to nothing about each other, so they exchange bios.  Norval is a famous dj/pianist/musician and a close friend of Sir Elton John (I don't believe that for a second).  Dad a retired limo driver whose main client happened to be Sir Elton.  They got to be very close (implying that they were lovers!  good deal!)

Dad calls Norval's bluff by threatening to call Elton, then reveals that he doesn't know him, either.  Har-har.  This is turning way funnier than I expected from a psychological thriller.

Later, Norval is brushing his teeth when Dad appears, creepily, in the mirror:  "You ever been in a fight? I have.  Knocked a guy's ear off.  You could see right into his skull."  Run, Norvy, run!

Scene 5: In the middle of the night, Norval gets up for a glass of water, and overhears Dad talking on the phone: "What do you want me to do? I'm not going to kill him. We can use him for leverage..."

Norval runs back to his bedroom and pretends to be asleep.  Uh-oh, he's in trouble!

Scene 6: In the morning, instead of high-tailing it out of there as fast as his legs can carry him, Norval calls Mom on the house phone and says "No, he's not what I imagined."

Interspliced with the conversation are scenes of the two swimming (Norval has a nice chest, Dad not so much), Then Norval is taking a bath while Dad talks on the phone: "No, he's dead.  I killed him"

Scene 7:  Norval asks why Dad left when he was five, and why he sent the letter inviting him there.  Dad won't answer. They argue.  Dad razzes Norval for dressing like a woman, and calls him a "cunt" who puts rats up his "vaginia."

This seems to be an adaption of the homophobic urban legend that gay men put gerbils up their butts, shifted to a lady.  But why not just call Norval a "fag"?  Is   Dad going out of his way to avoid seeming homophobic?  But sexism is ok?

Anyway, Dad attacks Norval with a butcher knife, then drops dead.  After calling Mom for advice, Norval covers the body and calls the cornoer.

Scene 8: The next morning, Ronald the Cop arrives (bodybuilder turned actor Garfield Wilson).  He tells Norval that he has nice eyes and tries to impress him by burping (maybe taking off your shirt would be a better strategy, Ronald?).

Scene 9: Hey, what happened to Ronald?  I thought he and Norval would be dating. Now a lady coroner shows up to take the body.  She tells Norval that he has kind eyes.

If they end up dating, I'm leaving. 

Scene 10:  Gladys the Lady Coroner and Norval are walking on the beach together.  Grr.  Oh -- they're just carrying down the body. 

"You're going to be ok..when my husband died, I was a mess..take care of yourself"  That's not flirtatious, is it

Well, is it?

Scene 11: Instead of leaving, Norval has to wait for Mom to arrive.  That night he hears a weird scraping sound.  He hears it again while reading The Celestine Prophecy naked, and again while putting his clothes on.  He looks at Gladys' business card.  And smells it.

 He smells her card?  God, please let there be no fade-out-kiss.

He starts drinking again.  Drunk, he calls Gladys the Coroner Lady and invites her over for sex.  She refuses -- but only because he's being obnoxious.  If he invited her to a nice dinner, she'd probably say yes.

Ok, I'm disgusted.  I'm leaving.  Here's the rest of the plot, from Wikipedia:

Norval investigates the sound, and finds a beaten, bloody man in the basement-- his Real Dad (Martin Donovan)!

This is actually not him, it's a plug from Martin's twitter account of the movie he's directing, The Legs of Infamy, starring Steve McCain.  I'm definitely looking forward to it.

Plot dump: Back in the day, Real Dad, Fake Dad, Jethro (Michael Smiley), and a guy named Dandy (Simon Chin) were involved in a kidnapping.  Real Dad double-crossed them and fled with the money, which he, Mom, and Norval have been living on ever since.

Fake Dad found Real Dad and started torturing him.  At that moment, Norval showed up!  Now the other two guys will be coming to kill them both. But Norval manages to kill one, and the other dies in an accident.  The end.

Frigging gay tease.  But at least there's no fade-out kiss.

Jun 26, 2020

Charles in Charge: The First Teencom

Fresh from his tenure on Happy Days, Scott Baio made a dent in the "servant saves dysfunctional family" genre with Charles in Charge (1984-85), about a college student who works as a male nanny, a surprisingly gender-bending role for 1984.

Willie Aames, who had starred with Scott in the teen sex comedy Zapped! (1982), would play his girl-crazy best friend Buddy.


Charles' rather disturbed charges would include painfully shy teenager Lila (15-year old April Lerman), tween mad scientist Douglas (14-year old Jonathan Ward), and preteen juvenile delinquent Jason (Michael Pearlman).













Charles himself would be rather nerdy, fond of suspenders, ties, and shirts buttoned all the way up.  To preclude any gay suspicions, he would have a steady girlfriend, Gwendolyn (Jennifer Runyon), and Buddy would be indefatigably girl-crazy.

Charles in Charge premiered on October 3, 1984 in a block with John Stamos' teen-oriented sitcom Dreams. There were a few things to like about it, like Jason's blatant crush on Charles.  But the teens who were expecting a hot teen idol stayed away, and the adults were busy watching The Fall Guy and Highway to Heaven, so the show tanked after 22 episodes.





A retooled Charles in Charge appeared in first-run syndication on January 3rd, 1987.   Lots of retooling:

1. The theme song was revamped to sound sexy and risque ("I want...ooh...I want Charles in charge of me!").

2. Charles was now a collegiate hunk, with an updated wardrobe, when he wasn't wandering around the house in a towel (or a hot dog suit).  A Charles-of-all-trades, he supplemented his nanny income by working as a teaching assistant at the college, and at the local pizza parlor hangout.

3. Buddy's girl-craziness likewise faded away; he became a dimwit instead.

4. There were strong adult characters, grumpy Walter Powell (James T. Callahan) and Charles' mother Lilian (Ellen Travolta).

5. And Charles' new charges, the Pembrokes, were not at all dysfunctional: glamorous future model Jamie (14-year old Nicole Eggert), bookish future writer Sarah (13-year old Josie Davis), and preteen athlete Adam (12-year old Alexander Polinsky).  Justin Whalen played Cousin Anthony.

This time teen viewers took notice, and Charles quickly becoming the #1 syndicated program on the air (Mama's Family was a close second).  It lasted until 1990, and inspired a whole genre of beefcake-heavy 1990s teencoms.

Of the three kids in the first incarnation of Charles, only Jonathan Ward had a significant acting career as a teenagerHe starred in the "boys alone" drama White Water Summer with Sean Astin (1987) and in the E.T. ripoff Mac and Me (1988), plus his own "my secret" teencom, The New Adventures of Beans Baxter (1987).  In 1994, he wrote and starred in a Discovery Channel documentary, Understanding Sex. 

Of the three kids in the second incarnation, both Nicole Eggert and Josie Davis went on to successful acting careers.  Alexander Polinsky does voice-over work and is involved behind-the-scenes in model construction.

See also: The Sound of Music

The 13 Horrors of "Atomic Blonde", The Worst Non-Homophobic Movie Ever Made

I have just sat through the agony that is Atomic Blonde (2017), or rather, I have spent 111 minutes studying Arabic on Duolingo and occasionally glancing up at the screen, shuddering, and looking away.  My eyes are melting, I need a shower, and I'm bored stiff, all at the same time.

The Plot, Such as It Is:  It's 1989, just before and during the Fall of the  Berlin Wall, and everyone is wearing green mohawks, singing "99 Luftballoons," and marching in the streets with placards.  There's a List containing the names of all the American, British, and Russian spies in Berlin which, if it falls into the wrong hands, will cause World War III for some reason. Double-or-triple agent Lorraine, the Atomic Blonde, has the job of finding the List, or else an elderly swish named Spyglass, who has it memorized.

1. Lorraine's Butt.  What is the purpose of director David Leitch's decision to introduce the superspy Lorraine naked, with a close-up of her boobs and butt?   I thought it was because the audience, composed entirely of heterosexual men, came to the movie to see Lorraine naked, and he wanted to get it out of the way so they would pay attention to the story.  But no, she's naked twice more.

2. Loraine the Idiot.  Upon arriving in Berlin, Lorraine is approached by two guys: "Your...um...contact couldn't...um...make it....so...um...he sent us instead.  We're on your side...um...not enemy agents who plan to kill you, So just get into the car, ok?"  And she does!

Honey, you wouldn't last five minutes in the spy biz.

3. The Lookalike Men.  Lorraine interacts with a lot of agents, who all dress in 1980s sleazoid costumes, have buzz cuts and scruffy beards, and talk about how much they love/hate Berlin  (the first and second photos are examples).

 I can't tell them apart, and I rather like looking at men.  Imagine the confusion of the heterosexual horndogs in the audience!


4. The Sleazoid Informant.  The informant  who gets the most airtime, Percival (James McAvoy) practically has the word "Heterosexual" tattooed on his forehead.  He's introduced in bed with two girls (they're naked, of course, and he's shirtless). He has a lair full of books and Hustler magazines.  He compares Berlin to "a beautiful woman who's gone bad."  I'm sick to my stomach.

5. Cigarette Fetish.  Close ups of cigarettes between two fingers, lit cigarettes on the edges of ash trays, people taking cigarettes out of each other's mouths to take a whiff.  Ok, ok, I know what a cigarette looks like.  Give it a rest, Leitch!

6. Foot Fetish.  A lot of scenes devoted to women's feet. Even the scenes with their bare butts start at their feet and work up.

7. Surprise!  It's a Woman!  For example, someone gets off a motorcycle.  The camera starts at their daintily-booted feet, moves up their shapely legs, pauses at their butt, then moves up their back to their helmet.  The helmet comes off.  Surprise!  It's a woman!  The oldest cliche in the book, and broadcast so extensively by the heterosexual male gaze that no one could possibly be surprised.

8. Girl on Girl Action.  Helmet Girl turns out to be a French photographer who dates Lorraine, before she is killed during a fight (in her underwear, of course).  I'm no expert on lesbian sex, but their sex scene ain't it.  Unless you have some kind of toy, you're not mounting your partner from behind.  It's just a way for the exclusively heterosexual male audience to see as much of both women's bodies as possible.

9. No Way He Has a Kid! The swishy, elderly Spyglass, who memorized the List, has a wife and a 8-year old daughter.  Impossible!  He's too swishy to be interested in women, and way too old to have an 8-year old daughter!

10. It's Always a Teddy Bear.  Lorraine and some other operatives try to smuggle Spyglass, wife, and kid out of Berlin.  The little girl is carrying an enormous teddy bear.  Why is it always a teddy bear?  Wouldn't a change of clothes be more practical?  I know, I know, it's to tug at the audience's heart strings:sweet, innocent.  It's been done to death.  Make the daughter a kickass in training, for once.

11. The Amazing Shifting Point of View.  There's a frame story in which Lorraine is explaining the events to her superiors 10 days later. They shift back and forth between events and interrogation at the speed of light. Then the interrogation ends, and Lorraine does more double agent stuff.  I think.

12. The Idiotic Cold War. Lorraine turns out to be a double-agent, pretending to work for the British,but actually working for the Americans.  Um...they were allies.  She is also, briefly, a Russian agent, but I think it was just so she could kill 12 professional assassins with a gun she had hidden in ice.

13. Ice Cube Fetish. I won't even go into that.

At least it's not homophobic.  Oh, wait -- Lorraine uses a homophobic slur.

Edd Byrnes: The Ginchiest Gay Hustler

During the 1950s, lots of young musclemen found ways to earn some extra cash with their  biceps and bulges, as bodybuilders, physique models, and hustlers for the newly-organized gay community.  A few of them broke into show biz, usually as Italian sword-and-sandal studs or Western heroes.

But Edd Byrnes became famous as a kook.

Born in 1933 in New York, he began bodybuilding as a teenager, and at age 17 began posing for physique magazines and hustling for a select group of well-moneyed gay clients.  One of his clients became a mentor, taking him to the best nightspots, introducing him literature and the theater, encouraging his interest in acting.

In 1955, Edd moved to Los Angeles at the height of the juvenile delinquent craze, and got some bit parts and surly James Dean-style roles: Reform School Girls (1957), Johnny Trouble (1957), Life Begins at 17 (1958). 

 


In Girl on the Run (1958), he played a killer opposite detective Stuart Bailey (Efrem Zimbalist Jr.).  Zimbalist, later the poster boy for 1970s homophobia,  was so impressed with Edd's work that he suggested him for the spinoff, the swinging detective series 77 Sunset Strip (1958-64).

But not as his partner -- that would be Roger Smith (the older Patrick in Auntie Mame).  He would be comic relief: Kookie Kookson III, a parking lot attendant who spoke nearly impenetrable hipster slang and obsessively combed his greaser hairdo.



Not surprisingly, given his gay-friendly past, he eyed the two detectives with palpable homoerotic appreciation.

Kookie became a standout star, eventually joining the detective team and appearing as "himself" on other swinging detective dramas, Hawaiian Eye and Surfside Six.  

He had a brief teen idol career, with a hit single, "Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb" (1959), actually a slang-heavy dialogue between Kookie and Connie Stevens:

Kookie: I've got smog in my noggin ever since you made the scene
Connie:  You're the utmost!
Kookie: If you ever tool me out, I'm the saddest, like a brain.
Connie: The maximum utmost!

His record also contained such hits as "Kookie's Mad Pad" and "Square Dance for Round Cats."






When 77 Sunset Strip ended, Edd found himself typecast as a slang-spouting hipster.  He starred in the beach movie Beach Ball (1965) and a few Westerns, and displayed his physique as a life guard in tongue-in-cheek slasher Wicked, Wicked (1973).  He did a softcore porn, Erotic Images, in 1983 (he was heterosexual in real life).

He continued to work through the 1990s, playing killers and detectives and aging beachboys.  But in the eyes of his fans, he never stopped being Kookie, his early years as a bodybuilder and gay hustler long forgotten.

Jun 24, 2020

Good Morning, World: Gay DJs in Pre-Stonewall Los Angeles


I don't remember a single moment of Good Morning, World (1967-68), even though it starred Ronnie Schell  (left), who I had a major crush on from his role as best-buddy Duke on Gomer Pyle, USMC.







Let's pause for a moment to relive those pre-erotic, preteen crushes.  Isn't  Ronnie the cutest thing?

Good Morning, World aired for a single season, on Tuesday nights at 8:30 Central time. Most likely I never watched because my bedtime was 8:00.

Ronnie and Joby Baker play Lewis and Clarke, hip, with-it djs at a morning patter radio program in Los Angeles.


They each have romantic partners (Julie Parrish, Goldie Hawn), who happen to be best friends, providing boys-against-girls plotlines.

Their snooty, uptight "what about these expense reports?" boss is played by perennial sitcom swish Billy DeWolfe (who was gay in real life, but died in 1974, before even the swishiest Hollywood actor would Say The Word.

One expects a workplace comedy like WKRP in Cincinnati, or at least a balance between home and work, but the plot synopses on Amazon Prime are mostly about home: visiting relatives, dinner with the boss, returning a defective sweater to the department store.

I watched the episode where the boys do a remote show from a dude ranch, without realizing that it's a nudist dude ranch.  No nudity except for the ranch director, briefly, at a desk, and the guys at the dinner table (top photo), where they discover that nudists dress for dinner.

That makes sense. You don't want to spill hot soup onto your lap without a fabic barrier.

But in 1967, even five minutes of shirtlessness would have been shocking, and in spite of the fade-out boy-girl hug, the guys' interactions are so physical that they come across as a quasi-gay couple.

Gay subtexts in 1967? No wonder it only lasted one season..

Hi, Honey, I'm Home: 1950s Sitcom Transported to the Present

Pundits think that people who watch tv can't tell fiction from reality; they're walking around in a daze, accosting soap opera villains in the supermarket and insisting that only NCIS lawyers take their case.  To capitalize on the presumed blending of fictional worlds, Hi Honey, I'm Home appeared during the summers of 1991 and 1992.

The premise: A family from one of the "perfect" black-and-white nuclear family sitcoms of the 1950s is relocated to the "real" 1990s.

The family consists of wondrously loving Honey and Lloyd Nielson (Charlotte Booker, Stephen C. Bradbury), named after the tv raing system, and their obedient, polite, clean, tidy, and studious children, teenage Babs and preteen Chucky (Julie Benz, Danny Gura).

But next door is an overworked, flustered, fast-food-preparing single mom, Elaine Duff (Susan Cella) and her obnoxious kids, preteen punk rocker Skunk (Eric Kushnick) and teenage nerd Mike (Peter Benson).

Elaine does her best to befriend Honey and bring her into the 20th century. She can think for herself, take a class, get a job.  Their friendship is threatening to Lloyd, who wants to be "the man of the house."

Gee, maybe the 1950s weren't so perfect after all.


Mike, a fan of 1950s tv, is the only one who suspects the family secret (and eventually discovers it).  He has an obligatory crush on Babs, but it seems forced.  He hangs out with the entire family because he feels wanted, and the Nielsons need him to help negotiate the strange new world that they're trapped in.

A selling point of the series was the many guest stars, stars of 1960s sitcoms (in character): Gomer Pyle, Grandpa Munster, Alice from The Brady Bunch, Lisa Douglas from Green Acres, Sally Rogers from The Dick Van Dyke Show, and Mr. Mooney from The Lucy Show.

Erick Kushnick and Danny Gura (top photo)have both retired from acting, but Peter Benson is busy with off-Broadway plays, and Julie Benz went on to play Darla the ditzy vampire on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. Stephen C. Bradbury recently starred in Off the Record, an adaption of the incident where Idaho senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting an undercover cop in a Minneapolis airport men's room.

Jun 23, 2020

Captains Courageous: Boys Alone on a Boat

Literature is full of poor little rich boys, kids raised in unutterable wealth who nevertheless are missing something essential, something elemental -- and find it, either by design or by fortuitous accident.

Rudyard Kipling's 1897 novel Captains Courageous sends snobbish, practical-joking 15-year old Harvey Cheyne Jr. over the side of a steamship.

He is rescued by Captain Disko Troop, a Newfoundland fisherman, who refuses to take him to a port until the season is over -- and forces him to work alongside the rest of the crew.  At first Harvey complains, but then he learns the joy of work and the camaraderie of working men, and especially bonds with the Captain's teenage son, Dan.

When Harvey finally returns to his parents, he brings Dan along. Both go to work for his father's shipping line.  There are no women in the novel except for Harvey's mother.

There have been three movie versions that modify the romance in odd ways.

The 1937 version decreases Harvey's age (played by 13-year old Freddie Bartholomew), and minimized the role of Dan (Mickey Rooney, left and top photo), instead having him saved by an adult fisherman, Manuel (Spencer Tracey).  Their friendship becomes intense and intimate, but it is doomed: during a race with another ship, Manuel is entangled in the rigging and pulled under the water, where he drowns. The movie ends with Harvey back in civilization, throwing a wreath into the sea to honor Manuel's memory.

The 1977 tv version restores Harvey to adolescence (played by 17-year old Jonathan Kahn, right)  and minimizes both Dan (Johnny Doran) and Manuel (Ricardo Montalban), although Manuel still dies.  Harvey doesn't get a romantic partner, just a father figure in the Captain (Karl Malden).







The unwatchable 1996 tv version restores Harvey and Dan to prominence (Kenny Vadas, Kaj-Erik Eriksen), but this time Dan is entangled in the rigging and dies. By the way, the Captain (Robert Ulrich) gets a wife.

I can't even begin to speculate on why the writers or directors decided to transfer the gay subtext from peer to older-younger, but I know why they decided to have Harvey's partner die: to emphasize the heterosexist conceit that same-sex bonds are temporary, mere adolescent fancies.  Just as the Captain has a wife back home, when Harvey returns to port, he will abandon childhood romances and marry.

Jun 22, 2020

Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List: A Woman Turns a Straight Guy Gay

College students Naomi (former Disney teencom girl Victoria Justice) and Ely (soap star Pierson Fodé) are long-time besties.  Their parents, a single mom and two moms, are next door neighbors in a elegant apartment complex just off Washington Park in New York.(apartments in that neighborhood go for $7000 per month, so apparently the moms are loaded).

Ely is flamboyant, fierce, in-your-face fabulous.  One expects him to be competing in the next season of RuPaul's Drag Race.  But Naomi isn't having any of it.  She's ok with gay people, just not with Ely being gay.  She wants some of him; surely there must be a deep-voiced hetero stud buried beneath the layers of swish.  It will just take the love of a good woman to bring him out.

Does anyone in this day and age actually believe that you can "fix" gay men by sleeping with them?   Especially a 18-year old living in New York?

 Well, she does have a precedent. Her Dad had an affair with one of Ely's Moms. Is this an episode of Seinfeld from 20 years ago?

And, to be fair, Ely does give mixed signals.  He is literally all over her, holding, hugging, kissing (on the lips and everything, gazing into her eyes, spooning in bed.  Discussing the hotness of passing guys is apparently just a fun activity to engage in with the love of his life ("I love you more!" "No, I love you more!).

Maybe it's just bad acting from a straight guy ("Ok, my character is gay, so I should swish -- wow, my co-star is hot!").  Or maybe Ely will come out of the closet as a swishy straight man.


While Naomi is waiting for Ely to pop the question, the two have adopted a rule:  no competing over guys. If they both like a guy, they put him on a "no kiss list" (I would actually call it something else).  Thus,the plot.

Bruce 1, a nerdish photography student, has been in love with Naomi since he was five years old, but he's not her type -- not swishy enough.

So she accepts a date with Bruce 2 -- and, of course, brings Ely along.  Why wouldn't you bring the Love of Your Life along on a date?  Although she might want to stop holding hands with, dancing with, hugging, and kissing Ely for just a few minutes.  Really, the "let's demonstrate our favorite kissing scene from a romantic movie!" was uncalled-for.

At the end of the date, after Ely swallows Naomi's tongue for a few minutes, he suggests that she and Bruce 2 go home for sex (alone!).  I'd be running fast in the other direction, but Brruce 2  consents.  The foreplay is clunky and inept  -- he's obviously not interested in her in that way --so they call it off.

The next night Ely and Naomi go out alone, but in the middle of their romantic dance, another guy cuts in, and Ely kisses him!  Naomi is incensed by his "cheating."  Wait -- it's for her to have sex with other guys, but he can't even kiss?   So she visits Bruce 1 and hugs and kisses him.

A few days later, Bruce 2 shows up for a date with the life partners, but Naomi isn't around.  So Ely entertains him by displaying his comic book collection and chest, and they kiss.

No problem, right?  Naomi was just kissing Bruce 1 a minute ago.  But no, she can't find out.  Complications arise, including Bruce 2 hiding in a closet (hint, hint) and the wrong gum (Ely only chews Bubble Yum, so why does he offer Naomi Orbit before they swallow each other's tongues?).

The truth comes out, and  Naomi angrily dumps Ely.  He rebounds into a relationship with Bruce 2. (although we never see them kiss again).

After some huffing and puffing and "what is she doing here,"  Naomi settles down into a romance with the hot doorman Gabriel (Matthew Daddario), who was on the No Kiss List (ergo the title: Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List).

Finally Naomi and Ely reconcile, as friends -- no more tongue-swallowing, just a kisses on the hand and cheek and a nostalgic argument over who loves who more.

I don't understand this movie at all.  Not that I object to Ely staying gay, but he has spent the last 88 minutes being over-the-top heterosexual, or maybe bisexual with a strong preference for women. He has been over-the-top deeply, passionately, erotically in love with Naomi.  He looked like he had an erection every time she got within five feet, and he did everything sexual except actually put it in.  Having him say "I met a guy, and we're in love" doesn't make any sense.

Unless -- this was all from Naomi's point of view, and she's an unreliable narrator. We saw how she wanted Ely to act, not how he was really acting.

Nope.  Too subtle.

The fade out scene, by the way, does not involve Ely.  Naomi and Gabriel the Doorman are kissing and licking each other's lips, while Bruce 1 looks on in disgust.

I can sympathize.

Mount Vernon Musclel


The muscle has moved to A Gay Guide to Small Town America

Jun 21, 2020

Beefcake and Bonding in the Green Library

When I was studying French in high school,  if I ever tired of Tintin, Alix and Enak, Corentin, and Spirou and Fantasio, I could move on to the small square children's books published by the Librairie Hachette, the Bibliotheque Rose (pink) for humor and the Bibliotheque Verte (green) for action/adventure.

I preferred the green, especially Georges Bayard's Michel series, about a 15-year old and his older brother who sleuthed like the Hardy Boys (Michel a Rome, Michel en plongee, Michel et Monsieur X, etc.)  Except there were more kidnappings and last-minute rescues than the Hardy Boys faced, more stories set on boats and at the beach, and  unlike the American adventure boy series of the 1940s and 1950s  Hachette was not skimpy on the beefcake.  He was as physique-intensive as the British boys annuals.  Apparently being a teen sleuth gives you a magnificent physique.





I also liked the Italian street urchin of David Daniell's "By Jiminy" books in his French translation, Cricketto (Cricketto de Napoli, Cricketto et le petite prince, Cricketto dans la foret vierge, and so on).  He became a lean, muscular teenager, who adventured and buddy-bonded with his older friend and benefactor, Tom Trevor.  The illustrations favored black speedos for Tom and red for Cricketto.








Willis Lindquist's Haji of the Elephants is about a young Indian mahout and his Western boyfriend, in the tradition of Sabu, Jonny and Hadji, and Terry and Raji.  But in the French translation, they both became teenagers in dhotis with beautifully drawn chests and shoulders.













Rene Guillot wrote many juvenile adventure stories about massive Tarzans raised in the wilderness, such as Le Chef au masque d'or. 



And I can't even begin to count the homoerotic subtexts in Philippe Ebly's "Conquerants de l'Impossible" series, about three buffed, eternally shirtless teenagers from different time periods: Serge (modern France), Xolotl (Aztec Mexico), and Thibault (Medieval France).  They band together in a complex plot arc that decides the fate of worlds, while never so much as looking at a girl.

Ebly also wrote the "Evades du temps" series (Time Runaways), about two  teenagers, Thierry and Didier, who are hiking through a mysterious woods when they become unstuck in time, like Paul in Spellbinder.  They meet the prehistoric teenager Kouroun, who doesn't own a shirt, and band together to fight supernatural enemies and look for a way home.

They even had gay-themed novels, such as Pierre Loti's Iceland Fisherman.

I wonder if my French teacher noticed that I only borrowed the books with the beefcake covers.

In college I discovered a whole new collection, the Signe de Piste.
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