The icon for Bad Witch, on Amazon Prime, shows two guys talking at a rural cabin, and the blurb says something about a male witch who gets in trouble, flees to the countryside, and meets "a young loner." Sounds like a gay romance, but I'm not sure, so I'm going through on fast forward.
Minute 3: A hunky guy roughed up and tied up in someone's basement. His assailant drips red wax on him while chanting in Latin; he screams. Cut to a little girl asleep with a teddy bear, and in another room, the hunky guy wakes up next to a woman. Beefcake shot of his chest. This must be the Witch's heterosexual nuclear family before he flees to the countryside and gets a boyfriend.
Minute 4: An outdoor barbecue. Two male-female couples sitting down; a male-male couple standing by the grill. The Amazon Prime x-ray identifies them as Tim (Matthew Sharpe) and Xander (Chris Koslowski, top photo), but neither of the photos look like them, so I'll just call them Young Hunk and Leather Guy. They criticize the host, Trish, for wearing high heels to a barbecue. Criticizing a woman's fashion sense? Obvious signal that he's gay.
Young Hunk is outraged when a third guy comes in. "Why did she invite him?" Must be his ex-boyfriend, after a bad breakup. Leather Guy advises him to be cool, but he corners the new guy in the kitchen. New Guy criticizes his hair and outfit. Criticizing a man's fashion sense? Obvious signal that he's gay. They argue. Trish comes in and breaks them up.
Minute 8: Young Hunk awakens in his bed in the middle of the night, goes into the living room, and is ambushed by several men, who beat him up and burn the word "witch" onto his chest. Wait -- I thought it was the Nuclear Family Guy from Scene 1 who had to flee.
Minute 10: Young Hunk talking to middle-aged Henry (James Hennigan), who says "Serves you right for never wanting to teach me." So Young Hunk is the Bad Witch, and Henry is his apprentice?
Minute 19: A dumpster outside a bar. Young Hunk, now the middle-aged Xander, flirts with Roland (Jackson Trent, left). This must be after he runs away to the countryside. He was wearing young-hunk makeup in the earlier scenes, to indicate time passage.
Minute 20: Another young hunk, Conrad (Jonathan Helwig), comes into the kitchen, where his father or boyfriend is cooking some slop. "That looks disgusting," he jokes. "Then you do the cooking." Sounds more like boyfriend talk than father-son talk. "Coach thinks I have a good chance of making the scouts next year." Father-son talk. Is this a new movie? What happened to the guys from Minutes 4-10?
Minute 28: A diner. Conrad from Minute 20 is talking about girls, while his gay bff Hans (Abe Kim, below), a fey Asian guy with bleached hair, rolls his eyes. Roland, the guy who flirted with Xander earlier, works there. He walks past with a tray of drinks. Bully Conrad trips him. The bullies both laugh. A femme gay bully?
Xander helps him up, sits with Bully Conrad and bff Hans, and reveals embarrassing details about Bully Conrad that he couldn't have known, like he had syphillis. Hans criticizes him for stigmatizing STIs.
Minute 30: Xander drops Bullied Roland off at his house and says "I will see you tomorrow." Their first date?
It involves playing video games, hugging, and...talking about the Girl of Roland's Dreams? Hey, that's not what gay guys talk about!
Minute 33: Xander teaching Roland about magic.
Minute 35: They are hanging out in the woods. Xander: "Casting a spell is better than sex. That's why my roommate can't find out about this." This, the magic, or this, the relationship? So Xander is cheating on his partner with Roland?
Lots of scene of Xander helping Roland get a university admission, get revenge on bullies, fly on a broom, wear a cardboard witch's hat, and...go on a date with Veronica? So it's a gay subtext, not a text.
Minute 52: Bleached-Hair Hans, the fey bully, has stolen Xander and Roland's magic book. If he gives it back, they won't tell his bff Conrad that he secretly hates him because girls like him more. Hey, I thought Bleached-Hair Hans was gay.
Minute 64: Things have gone terribly wrong. Roland breaks up with Xander: "You don't care about me. You don't care about anybody but yourself."
Minute 70: Xander tied up, shirtless, being tormented. This must be a recap of Scene 1.
Minute 72: Roland talking to Veronica. Girlfriend or gal pal? There has been no scene of them kissing. They decide to rescue Xander.
Minute 73: Xander tied shirtless to a stake, as his enemies prepare to burn him to death. Veronica and Roland rush in, clobber them, and untie Xander. He hugs Veronica, and goes in for a hug with Roland, but at that moment Roland spurts blood and dies -- one of the enemies killed him! Xander cries over the body. The guy was definitely his boyfriend.
Minute 75: Veronica asks a shirtless Xander if he can use his witchcraft powers to resurrect Roland. "It would be a big mistake." He might come back -- different.
Minute 76: Veronica performs the resurrection ritual anyway. Roland returns from the dead --- different. The end.
Results: I have not seen such a blatant gay subtext in years. But in 2022, why not go all the way? A few minor line changes. and a scene of Roland and Xander kissing, and voila! The Bad Witch is a gay romance.