Gemstones Episode 3.9, Continued: Five plot resolutions and a funeral. With collegiate jock cocks

  

This is the censored version of the review, with no collegiate jock cocks.

Link to the uncensored version.

A swarm of locusts!

Locusts are not unheard-of in South Carolina. In fact, every 13 years, a swarm of the similar cicadas emerges. Ecologists consider them beneficial, since many animals and birds eat them.  And they do not sting or bite.

But these are not ordinary locusts.  The swarm flies directly through the service entrance and into the tv studio, crashing and smashing everything.  They may not sting or bite, but having dozens of buzzing, crawling things splat into your body, hitting your hair and face, must be  disorienting and painful.  People stumble in every direction, crashing into each other. Some are hit by falling lights and sound equipment.  A round image of Baby Billy smashes someone's head.

Could this be God's punishment on the Gemstones for profiting from the Y2K panic?  Revelation 9: 3-9  mentions a plague of locusts as one of the end-time tribulations. but those locusts have human faces and iron breastplates, sting like scorpions, and leave God's Chosen alone.  These locusts crash into everyone.  Maybe God is trying to get everyone out of the church before it blows up?

You can tell who actually cares about their family by who runs away (the Simpkins) and who looks for them (the Gemstones). Jesse saves not only his family, but Eli and Dusty.  The Montgomerys and BJ/Judy save each other.   

The Kelvin/Keefe rescue is the most dramatic:  Looking for Kelvin backstage, Keefe is overcome by the locusts and collapses, coincidentally just behind a girl who has been killed by a falling spotlight.  When Kelvin finds him, he yells "Leave!",  as in "Save yourself!", but Kelvin spreads his heavy woolen coat over the two of them and yells "I got you!"

Intimacy alert: Keefe holds on to Kelvin's hand and thigh.

Green is Kelvin's preferred color, but the Attico with the long green fringes was chosen deliberately to look like grass.  The guys are dead and buried.  Keefe has a symbolic death and resurrection in every season, but this is the first for Kelvin.  Maybe this is his final expiation, burning away the last of his guilt and shame over being gay.

The family stumbles out onto the loading dock.  Everyone else has scattered.  

Intimacy alert: Kelvin keeps his arm on Keefe's back to guide him out of the studio.  

Femme alert: look at Keefe.  Hour glass figure, large pearl necklace. past-shoulder length hair: with a different face, you would mistake him for a lady. This is the second time that he has dressed as a minister's wife. So, Mrs. Lincoln, other than that, how did you like the show?

Resolution 1: Uncle Peter. Uh-oh, one of the locusts has crashed into Peter's fitbit trigger, destroying it, so the van will blow up in one minute.  Run away!  

Peter jumps into the van and drives it to safety. 

Everyone gasps as they see the explosion.  He has sacrificed his life to save them, thus earning his redemption.  

Intimacy alert: Keefe now has his arm around Kelvin, a parallel to BJ with his arm around Judy. 

Left: Since some of the Gemstone kids are off to college in this episode, I'm including some college jock cocks.

More plot resolutions after the break

The Funeral: Cut to Dusty Daniels' funeral, an unspecified amount of time later.  Like no other funeral ever, the siblings sit in the front row, and their partners behind, but seated so that we can see them all in one shot.   

Femme alert: Again a stereotypic minister's wife, Keefe wears weird feminine rose-colored glasses.

Resolution #2: The System.  Remember their long-standing feud?  We see BJ and Judy filming a commercial  for Amber's marital System, and then the two women have a reconciliation.  They're still not best friends, but they vow to get along.

Resolution #3: Smut Busters.  Remember Kelvin taking his job at the church back?   We cut to the guys waiting for other Smut Busters outside a porno store. Apparently it was re-instated, no doubt with changes: no vandalism or assault, just lawful protest on public property.  

Keefe relishes the idea of the protest, "Let them know we're watching.  Judging their lifestyle." Hey, you were using some of those sex toys, you hypocrite!  

Kelvin adds: "What people do in their bedrooms, behind closed doors."  Suddenly he sees the connection to what he and Keefe do "behind closed doors."  

Keefe frowns, seeing the connection, too. 

 "Or...we could give this one a miss."  They could "live and let live," and find some other way to serve the Lord.

In case you still doubt that they have a sexual relationship, they admit it here.  Who still has that doubt? But why don't they come out with the proper terms: "We're gay. People will judge the fucking and sucking we do in the bedroom."  Maybe because homophobes object to the actual word "gay" rather than the identity.  I've seen several programs where people start sentences like "I'm...." and "I thought you were....", only to be cut off before The Word.

Apparently Kelvin and Keefe are no longer youth ministers, or they couldn't just leave.  They would have no choice but to stick around and lead the others.  Maybe they are adult volunteers?  There must be other adult volunteers, too, to drive the teens to the protest. The Smut Busters may not be a teen project at all, anymore.

So, what new way to serve the Lord will they find?  In the HBO photo archive, there are two photos from a cut scene. First, Keefe is at the Gemstone teen center, looking angry, wearing what looks like a Renaissance courtier costume. Next Kelvin, the director of a play, is holding his hand while giving instructions to an actor off stage.  Maybe the scene will be re-used, giving the guys a new mission in the theater.

Resolution #4: Pontius: Remember that Jesse promised to enroll Pontius at The Citadel, the South Carolina military college?  Cut to him dropping Pontius off.  He was rejected by every college he applied to, but The Citadel has a 99% acceptance rate, plus Jesse probably promised to build them a new football stadium.  

As they say goodbye, Jesse notes that he never had to work for anything; he was raised rich.  "I don't want that for you."  Pontius is fine with having everything handed to him, but Jesse insists: "You're going to earn it.  You're going to be a better man than me."  

Resolution #5: Gideon:  Remember, Gideon can't do stunt work anymore, but he doesn't want to be Eli's driver forever.  What else is there?  He's been reading Eli's autobiographies all season, and while they are fishing, he tells Eli, "I want to do what you do." 

"You want to preach?"

"I think so." Presumably this means that he's off to college, then seminary.

Eli tears up with pride.  The end.

The collegiate jock cocks are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

See also: Jak and Kelton visit the Citadel: Beach Day, Dick Day, wrestling, modeling, and a tour of the campus

Next: Season 3 Finale: Kelvin and Keefe married?  Pontius a Dark Lord?  Peter redeemed through the Redeemer?