Oct 26, 2019
I was definitely planning to skip the new Netflix drama Daybreak, about teenagers surviving the apocalypse while the adults are all zapped. Riot Girls, The Last Kids on Earth, Nowhere Boys....I've seen it all before.
More importantly, the promo is all about Josh (Colin Ford) trying to reconnect with the Girl of His Dreams. What does that even mean? It's heterosexist brainwashing. How about a new mantra: so many girls, so little time, how can I choose?
Plus Colin Ford has nice abs, but attended a evangelical Christian school, has starred in heartwarming productions, and "has never been accused as a gay."
So I was noping my way out of there when I read that his sidekick in the show is gay.
It wouldn't hurt to take a look.
Episode #1: A narrating Josh, aka Ferris Bueller, thinks that the post-apocalypse is awesome. Sure, everyone over 18 (and, one assumes, under 10) melted into goo or turned into trudging "ghoulies," roving gangs are kidnapping kids to "turn into hummus," and Sam, the Girl of His Dreams, has vanished, but you can get all the fast cars and glitzy gear you want. It evens out.
Josh hears a girl screaming as Golf-Team cannibals prepare to eat her, and rushes to the rescue. "Let the girl go," he says, "and I'll leave you to whatever circle jerk you have planned for tonight."
Not to worry,they still throw around homophobic slurs. Gay sex is still shameful.
So Josh rescues the foul-mouthed 10-year old Angelica. Then they encounter Wesley (Austin Crute), a gay black bully (I've never seen those three words together before) turned Asian-wisdom spouting street samurai.
After battling the Mad Max-style Turbo Jock, the trio heads to the mall, where reputedly Sam is being held captive by the evil Baron Triumph. No Sam, and the evil baron turns out to be Eli (Gregory Kashyan), a former poor kid now holed up in the mall. The only other resident is The Witch, aka Mrs. Crumble, a deranged, semi-zombified former biology teacher.
Kind of derivative, with boring flashbacks, and why did Josh rush to rescue a girl, when a moment before he just watched while a boy was dragged to his death.
Right -- the Girl.
I'll just sample some other episodes.
They turn the mall into a free zone, for kids who didn't belong to a clique before the apocalypse, and try to live as normally as possible. They even hold a "welcome to being alive" prom, with a gender-neutral ruler instead of a king and queen.
Although ostensibly the "good guy" leader whom everyone loves, Josh is rather jerk-like. When a new Asian refugee is admitted to the sanctuary, he tells her that he's the new ICE, and she has to vote for him in the upcoming election or he'll have her deported.
Not approp, dude.
There's a lot about power struggles in the Turbo Jock tribe.
Wesley turns out to be dating one of the jocks, Turbo Bro Jock (Cody Kearsley, Moose on Riverdale), who is partially melted and cannot speak.
Principal Burris (Matthew Broderick), who somehow survived being melted, wants to finish "cleansing" the world by setting off a bomb.
Fade out kiss? Well, Wesley and Turbo Jock Bro get one, but not Sam and Josh. She rejects him in the end. Turns out that she never needed rescuing, and she never wanted to be his girlfriend; all of this dreamy romance-stuff was in his head.
Who'd have thought, Josh as unreliable narrator? How postmodern! I might have to go back and watch this after all.
Oct 25, 2019
I saw myself at age 50, still making sandwiches and watching the world change around me.
Even the movies from that summer are depressing: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Karate Kid, Revenge of the Nerds.
Except for Gremlins. The story was about cute cuddly creatures who go on a rampage and humorously destroy a small town, just what I needed to channel my aggressions over my failed life.
And Zach Galligan, who played Billy, the boy who opened the Pandora's Box:
Stunning. Breathtaking. A work of art.
Billy got The Girl at the end, but who cared? He was obviously gay anyway.
Well, maybe not as good.
In those days before the internet, I scoured the movie magazines to find out more about him: a 20-year old Columbia University undergraduate with only two previous on-screen roles.
I couldn't wait to see what Zach would appear in next.
It turned out to be a long wait. For the next couple of years, Zach appeared mostly in tv movies, which I never watched or even read about. His next big-screen role was Waxwork (1988), about small town high school students terrorizd by living waxwork monsters: a werewolf, Dracula, the Phantom of the Opera, and so on. Zach's character gets the girl again, and all of his other friends die. Rather a bummer.
And the intensity of his gorgeousness was rather subdued. Attractive, but not breathtaking.
I guess you needed to be in the summer of 1984.
I didn't bother with the sequels, Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990) and Waxwork 2: Lost in Time (1992), but All Tied Up (1993) was a must-rent because of the iconic scene where the three women his character has wronged tie him to the bed and rip his shirt off.
No definition at all, but, and he's got a definite bulge, obvious partially aroused. And he's tied up.
But after all these years, still no gay characters or gay subtexts? Did he even talk to another man on screen?
I never went out of my way to see a Zach Galligan project again. Occasionally a hot guy would appear, on Melrose Place or Star Trek: Voyager, and I would check the credits and see the name "Zach Galligan" and be pleasantly surprised.
No gay characters anywhere in his works, but in 2002 he starred on stage in Judy!, as a homophobic cop who goes undercover as a drag queen impersonating Judy Garland.
There were Judy Garland impersonators in 2002? But she died in 1969.
Today Zach states that he's constantly recognized for Gremlins. Every day someone asks him about it.
I guess a lot of people remember the summer of 1984.
Oct 24, 2019
The kids from The Brady Bunch are trapped on a desert island.
The Nanny and the Professor kids tackle spies.
Gidget (who actually hadn't been on tv for a decade) tackles smugglers.
Ann Marie from That Girl goes to Wonderland.
I watched sometimes -- it was pleasant to see some of my mega-crushes, like Greg Brady and David Doremus (from Nanny and the Professor), even in animated form.
And there was plenty of animated beefcake, like this hunk, a cousin of Tabitha and Adam from Bewitched who plays in a pop group in a circus, or something.
Besides, the only other option was Scooby-Doo.
But the stories varied in the quality of their animation, and their level of ridiculousness.
Yogi Bear flies around with Hanna-Barbera characters in a giant ark, ridding the world of bigotry, greed, sloppiness, and lack of niceness (all caused by mad scientists with ray guns).
Warner Brothers stars Porky and Daffy clash with The Groovy Ghoulies from Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
The absolute worst was Popeye and the Man Who Hated Laughter, which aired on October 7th, 1972.
I would love to hear the conversation in the board room at ABC:
"Let's do a cartoon special about newspaper comics! Kids love reading the newspaper, right?"
Um...no, we didn't.
"Great idea! We can include all of their favorite comic strip characters -- Jiggs and Maggie, Tim Tyler, Mandrake the Magician, The Little King, the Katzenjammer Kids, the Phantom..."
Right, comic strips that were last popular 40 years before we were born!
They added Popeye, another character from ancient days who was having something of a renaissance on Saturday morning cartoons.
The only song I remember is: "Hi, my name is Iodine, and I'm feeling so fine, doing the comic strip rag."
"Rag" was a dance craze from before World War I.
Well, at least you could see The Phantom and Bluto together.
See also: 1970s Saturday Morning Beefcake; Gay Subtexts in "Bringing Up Father."
Oct 23, 2019
Besides, who had time to study? I had just discovered bar pickups. My friend Viju and I were out at Bullwinkel's, or a a gay bar in Indianapolis, two or three times a week, and we never came home alone.
Sometimes I brought a guy home, had sex with him, then went back to the bar to pick up someone else.
Meanwhile my classes faltered, and I squeaked by with B's and an occasional C+. But who cared? I was going to become a book editor, not a literature scholar.
In the spring of 1984, I sent out resumes:130 publishing companies, 48 newspapers, 34 television stations, and 16 translation agencies. No openings, no openings, no openings, no openings.
Classes ended. I received my M.A.. No job. I spent ten days visiting India with Viju, then a week in Rock Island, then returned to Bloomington.
It was fun when I was a student. But as my life's work?. I imagined myself at age 50, still living in that coffin-sized room with the bathroom down the hall, still selling burgers and fries to undergrads.
All of my friends had graduated and moved away. And any new friends I made would graduate and move away, again and again, an every-changing blur of faces and cocks for the rest of my life.
That summer was an endless cold, dark night.
The lunatic in the White House (not as bad as the Orange Goblin, but still a lunatic) almost ended the world by "joking" that the U.S. had launched nuclear missiles at the Soviet Union.
The AIDS crisis was making national news for the first time, and dubbed "a gay disease." Fundamentalist churches latched onto it to decry the "clinically insane, disease-ridden homosexuals" coming for your children.
All four of the factories in Rock Island closed, doubling the unemployment rate. My father and brother were both laid off. I couldn't even fall back on a factory job.
The movies I saw (by myself) are now hailed as classics, but I found them depressing: Ghostbusters, Gremlins, The Karate Kid, The Neverending Story, Revenge of the Nerds, Bachelor Party, Conan the Destroyer
Laura Branigan's "Self Control" was playing on the radio:
I live among the creatures of the night.
I haven't got the will to try and fight.
I must believe in something, so I guess I'll just believe that this night will never go.
Then came my fairy godfather, aka Ben, who worked in the bank downtown. He was my teller when I withdrew some money (this was before ATMs), and two nights later I saw him at Bullwinkle's.
About ten years older than me, a chunky redhead with a long face, a smooth chest, and no biceps to speak of. Not at all my type.
And bisexual -- he mentioned watching Family Ties, not for the hot teen idol Michael J. Fox, but for Meredith Baxter Birney, who played his mother!
I couldn't help imagining Ben screwing the lady. His butt bouncing up and down, squeezing her breasts, kissing her. Gross! Complete turn-off.
But I was depressed, and I would have gone home with Boy George just to avoid going back to my coffin-sized room in Eigenmann Hall.
Ben had a house in Unionville, about 10 miles of dark, scary country roads from campus. An old-fashioned wood-and-plaster living room, a four-poster bed with black sheets, a drawer-ful of porn magazines, both gay and straight. Very cold for July.
[Sex scene is censored]
Afterwards, it was too early to sleep, and I didn't want leave, so we sat up and turned on Saturday Night Live. I told Ben about my master's degree, my dismal job prospects, and my future at the Eigenmann Hall snack bar. He said that he was working on a Ph.D. in sociology --- very slowly. This was his seventh year in the program, and he wasn't nearly ready to start his dissertation. The job at the bank took up most of his time. But he still planned to finish, and get a job as a college professor.
"Yuck!" I exclaimed. "I taught during my first year. Ssurly students who didn't read their assignments, didn't know even the basics about...well, anything, and made homophobic comments."
"It beats making hamburgers, I bet. Besides, just think of the beefcake!"
"But it's July. Won't they have all the teachers they need for the fall?"
"Let's find out." Ben walked naked into the next room and came back with The Chronicle of Higher Education. 5 English teaching jobs available in the fall that required just a M.A.
A month later, I was heading for Hell-fer-Sartain, Texas, an English instructor. It would be horrible, but later, I would teach as an adjunct, then get my Ph.D. (not in English), and spend the next twenty years standing in the front of classrooms.
It definitely beats making hamburgers
The full story, with nude photos and explicit sexual situations, is on Tales of West Hollywood.
Oct 22, 2019
We open at a lover's lane, where some of the parked cars are not occupied by boy-girl couples! There are two guys, and two guys and a girl!
Mike (Grant Cramer) and his girlfriend Debbie (Suzanne Snyder) are parked, but not kissing!
Why have I never heard of Grant Cramer before? I thought I was up on all the 1980s hunks. It was my decade!
An ice cream truck passes by, run by the Lenny and Squiggy-like the Terenzi Brothers, Rich and Paul (Michael Siegel, Peter Licassi): "We'll give you the stick -- you give it a lick." Promises, promises.
Mike notes that he knew the boys from high school. "Whenever you want a good time, you call Rich and Paul. A night out with those guys is a real adventure."
Um...so you like hanging out with guys? Is Debbie actually your girlfriend, or a buddy?
Meanwhile, at the sheriff's station, two college boys are brought in for "boozing it up in the park." One is wearing a New York t-shirt. They had a bottle of wine. Were they, like, on a date?
And we're only 12 minutes into this movie
Deputy Sheriff Dave is played by John Allen Nelson, seen here on Baywatch, but with blond hair.
Ok, I've got to ask, who did the casting for this movie, and why did they hire two super-hunks, when neither actually shows any skin?
On camera, anyway.
Mike and Debbie stumble upon an alien spaceship that looks like a circus tent, where aliens who look like scary clowns attack them with popcorn-guns and a balloon animal that comes to life.
You have to admire the dedication to the premise.
They barely escape, and rush to tell Deputy Dave. He leads them into the station, his arm around....Mike's shoulders.
They take Debbie home and go off to investigate, Mike's hand never far from Dave's shoulder. Dave appears to be Debbie's ex-boyfriend, and goes into a little spiel about how he still loves her, etc., etc.
Lenny & Squiggy join the battle, using the clown statue on their ice cream truck to distract the Klowns.
They act like a gay couple, too.
Somehow Debbie is cocooned but still alive, so they rush to Klown headquarters to rescue her, Mike's hand on Dave's shoulder Did those guys only just meet?
Fade out to pies in the face.
I count three gay-subtext couples and no heterosexual hijinks except for a brief kiss. Not even any female nudity.
On the other hand, I was unable to find any reference to Charles Chiodo having a wife. Maybe he's gay.
Oct 20, 2019
His jerk coworker Dan (Desmin Borges, below) tells him about a spa where, for $50,000, you get a "full cleansing," body, mind, and soul." So, in a midlife-crisis desperation move, Miles decides to empty his savings and go.
Even after it turns out to be in a dingy galleria, run by two sinister-looking mad scientists playing on anti-Asian stereotypes, who strap him to a guerney and administer an anaesthetic.
He awakens in his underwear, in a plastic bag, buried in a shallow grave in the woods.
Wait -- if he was in the plastic bag for a long time, wouldn't he suffocate?
Just go with it.
Miles finally makes it home, only to discover a doppelganger in bed with his wife.
Turns out that the spa produces a clone of their clients, ages it to adulthood, adds all of its memories, and fixes all of its genetic defects, resulting in a duplicate who is stronger, smarter, more enthusiastic, more confident, and better in bed. Then they kill the original.
Just go with it.
Except somehow original Miles survived, so now there are two Miles: the original, signified by his bad hair, belly, glasses, and slouch, and the fresh-scrubbed, powerlifting, green tea-drinking, first-name-using clone. They will have to learn to live together while hiding their secret from the world.
So Living with Myself turns out to be a "my secret" comedy. I've only seen two episodes, but I can imagine the others from Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, and The Patty Duke Show.
"Take my place at the big presentation"
"Go on a romantic weekend with my wife,but don't have sex with her."
There is a deliberate gay subtext: Miles and New Miles are often mistaken for a gay couple. When determining if New Miles has an appendectomy scar, Miles gets on his knees, and a passerby thinks they are having sex and yells "Get a room!"
When New Miles decides to go off by himself, they "break up," complete with returning the wedding ring.
But no gay characters. Even Miles' ultra-butch sister (Alia Shawkat) has a heterosexual partner.
Miles visits Left (Rob Yang), one of the mad scientists, and finds him living with his small daughter.
"And wife?" Miles asked.
Left hesitates. "No." Does he mean his wife is gone, or that he never had a wife because he's gay?
The wife is gone. Gay people don't exist in this world.
Tom Brady, whoever that is, playing himself ("I've had the treatment six times.")
Rob Yang as the mad scientist.
Hopefully there will be some buddy bonding down the line, or some gay references other than jokes.