Eight staunch Scotsmen with right proper stauners under their sporrans

 

Since Baby Reindeer features a Scotch comedian trapped in London, and one of Robert Oberst's strong men was Scottish, I figured it was time for some Scots studs. 

Link to the nude photos

St. Andrews, site of the most prestigious university in Scotland.

Pub mates

A stauner is a semi. 

There are about 60,000 Scots Gaelic speakers in Scotland, mostly in the Hebrides.  You often hear it spoken in Stornoway, on the Isle of Lewis. 

More Scotsmen after the break

Guy Madison: the Strong Silent Type

Hollywood hunks of the 1950s were often gay or gay-friendly; whole cadres hung out at talent agent Henry Willson's infamous all-male parties in the Hollywood Hills.  In a studio attempt to quell gay rumors, Willson gave them "manly" names consisting of  a single-syllable (Van, Rock, Tab, Nick, Guy) followed by a recognizable Anglo sirname  (Williams, Hudson, Hunter, Adams, Madison).

Born in 1922, former physique model Guy Madison (second from left) stood out from the crowd of Hollywood hunks by displaying his physique whenever possible.  He had no qualms about shirtless and swimsuit shots and even full frontal nudity.  In fact, he was the inspiration for the term "beefcake," first introduced in 1949.

As an actor, Guy played the strong, silent type in many Westerns of the 1950s, but he is best remembered by the first Boomer generation for The Adventures of Wild Bill Hickok (1951-58).  There was a real Wild Bill, a morally ambiguous lawman and gunfighter who died in 1876, but Guy's Wild Bill was a strictly white-hat proponent of law and order.
Andy Devine, who played his hefty, braying sidekick, went on to star in Andy's Gang on 1950s children's tv.

Hickok was immensely popular among the Ovaltine set.  There were feature films (spliced from the tv series), a radio program, toys, games, and lots of advertising tie-ins.  I haven't seen it, but apparently Wild Bill did a bit of 1950s Western buddy-bonding and wasn't particularly interested in girls.

During the 1960s and 1970s, Guy starred in some Italian sword-and-sandal movies, such as Slave of Rome (1961) and Blood of the Executioner (1963), plus some Westerns and actioners.  He played James Bond-style secret agent Rex Miller in the anti-counterculture LSD: Flesh of the Devil (1967).  But mostly he appeared as himself, a Western icon fondly remembered by millions of Boomer kids.

Although rumored to be gay, Guy was married and divorced twice.  He died in 1996.

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates: Bulges and biceps, but where's the plot?

  

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016) gets a 36% on Rotten Tomatoes. A reviewer says that "It's definitely a movie to watch when you don't want to think too much." 

 I always want to think while watching a movie; structural analysis is the fun part. But it stars Adam Devine and his bromantic partner Zac Efron, who is also sort of cute, so here goes.

Scene 1:  Mike (Adam) is trying to sell his brand of tequila to a bar owner, using Dave (Zac) as a plant.  Except the bartender knows him -- they hang out! And the guys try this every couple of weeks.  He buys the tequila anyway.  The guys hug.  Zac is established as heterosexual in Minute 1.

Scene 2: Montage of the guys frolicking at parties -- trampoline, fireworks, kissing girls.. Beefcake shots of both. . Cut to them returning to their apartment to find two heterosexual couples -- Mom and Dad!  I'm guessing Mom and Dad got divorced and married other people, so there are four parents. 

They complan that the guys keep going to parties stag, htting on girls, and ruining things.  Wait -- in the montage, everyone was having fun. Nothing was ruined.  And the "hitting on girls" was a mutual flirtation, not a sleazy come-on.  Mom and Dad are being unreasonable.

Uh-oh, the montage was an unreliable narrator.  A lot of those parties turned into disasters. So Mom and Dad lay down the law: at the upcoming wedding, they must each bring a date (they specify a girl).  How will that keep the fireworks from destroying a camper, or grandpa from being pushed into his birthday cake?

Oh, and it turns out that the second couple is their sister Jeannie and her fiance Erik (Sam Richardson)

Character development: Mike is aggressive, easily-angered, and a schemer, while Dave is quiet, stable, and has to be talked into the craziness.  Mike saved Dave from bullies when they were in school. Shouldn't Dave be saving Mike?  Zac Efron is about twice as muscular as Adam Devine, and has a bigger dick, and everybody knows that you need a big dick to fight bullies.

Scene 3:  Betty and Veronica (um...I mean Alice and Tatiana) working in a sleazy bar. Alice gets drunk and dances on a table, so the boss fires them both.  They go home and watch a video of Alice getting dumped at the altar (by Kyle Smigielski, left), and exclaim "Fuck him right in the dick!"  I'm not sure a dick can get fucked by anothe dick.  Sounded, maybe. They reminisce about vodka brownies and wet t-shirt contests.

Meanwhile, the guys wonder where they can find nice, respectable girls to take to the wedding: Match.com, Tinder, Grindr (really?), Craigslist? 

They post their ad - two incredibly gorgeous guys offer a free weekend in Hawaii -- and the number of responses breaks the internet. 

Bob (Bob Turton) sees the ad. His friends tell him it's just for girls; he replies "that's not a dealbreaker," and goes to the interview in drag. He explains that he's new to drag, but he just got out of a divorce, and wants to fuck. They refuse graciously. 

Two lesbians respond: "I'm not really looking for a heteronormative relationship."  That's not what heteronormative means, ladies. 

Other responses: druggies, sleazoids, prostitutes, a racist. Check, please!

The full review, with three nude photos (one of Zac's butt), is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Gemstones Episode 3.6, Continued: Kelvin and Keefe fight, Stephen and BJ fight, and no one likes hologram Aimee-Leigh

 

This is the censored version of the review, with no nude photos or explicit sex.  

Link to the nude photos and explicit sex

In the earlier scenes of this episode, Kelvin attempts a reconciliation, but when he sees that Keefe is doing fine without him, he gets all bitchy and flubs it.  Later, he "works some things out," apparently decides to pursue the heterosexual trajectory, and prepares to ask Taryn for a date. As they are putting away gym mats and flirting....

The Second Reconciliation Attempt: Keefe enters with a rocking chair carved with Kelvin's name on a tree. This is way too much for a "let's stay friends" gift: he is attempting a reconciliation. You're the one who left, dude. You could just ask to get back together.

He is not wearing a sexy outfit; actually he is sweaty and rather disheveled, as if he rushed over the moment he finished the chair.  

Why a rocking chair for an athletic 34-year old?  "This is true love: we'll be together forever."  I am reminded of Robert Browning's famous lines from "Rabbi ben Ezra": "Grow old with me -- the best is yet to be."  But viewers may be more familiar with John Lennon's version:

Grow old along with me. Two branches of one tree.

Face the setting sun when the day is done

Keefe expected Kelvin to be alone to accept his gesture.  Nope, Taryn is there.  He knows that the youth group has just ended out, and that Taryn is the new assistant youth minister; why wouldn't she be there?

Kelvin looks nervous and decidedly guilty, as if he has been caught cheating; he pulls Keefe into a bro-hug, asks inane questions ("Is that chair made of wood?"), and stammers "We were just...um...we..." until Taryn takes over and explains that they are just working together.  

Platonic pal advocates, pay attention:  Taryn wouldn't think it necessary to inform Kelvin's buddy that he has nothing to worry about, they are not having an affair.  Either she has inferred that they are lovers, or one of the guys told her.   

Keefe turns on the jealousy, and asks if Taryn has replaced him. As assistant youth minister, of course. But he means as a romantic partner.

Angry at the implication, maybe feeling guilty because he was planning to start a relationship, Kelvin plays along: he asks Taryn to give them a moment alone, touching her affectionately on the back to usher her out, exactly as you would ask your girlfriend to give you a moment to talk to your ex.  

Keefe continues to lash out, demanding to know if Kelvin and Taryn have had a "physical connection."   Romantic but not sexual partner advocates, pay attention: Kelvin and Keefe must have had a sexual relationship, or Keefe wouldn't think to ask about sex with his "replicant."  

More fighting after the break

"Ripley": Long, slow, artistic version of the gay-subtext con-man/murderer. With Tom's bum and Dickie's dick.

The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999) stars Matt Damon as the charming con-artist Tom Ripley, who has a gay-subtext romance with Jude Law's Dickie before murdering him and adopting his identity.  The 2024 version is a tv series, and reputedly overtly queer, taking the gay subtext into text.  I reviewed the first episode.

Link to the bums and dicks

Scene 1: Rome, 1961, atmospheric black and white.  Having just killed someone, a man with his face obscured puts on his shoes and hat and starts dragging the body down a palatial staircase.  

Scene 2: Six months earlier, New York. Tom (Andrew Scott) gets up in his run-down room in a residential hotel, walks the mean streets, steals someone's mail, and writes out a fake "payment overdue" notice

Then he goes to a bar and starts one of those highly-closeted 1960s hookups with a guy named Al (Bokeem Woodbine) Whoops, no, Al is a private detective, hired to find him and hook him up with the wealthy Mr. Herbert Greenleaf.  Tom refuses, then leaves to ride the subway and walk the mean streets some more.  

Back home, someone left his business card: From the IRS!  

Scene 3: Tom continues his scam: he steals payment checks, then calls or writes the sender, claims that it was lost in the mail, and has them send a new check to his own post office box. Nice establishing shots of the art deco post office and bank.  

Uh-oh, the clerk thinks something is wrong, and goes to consult the manager. Tom has to run away, and close down the whole collection agency scam!  What to do next?  Maybe Herbert Greenleaf's job won't be so bad...

Scene 4: Greenleaf Shipbuilders.  Tom is escorted past the big ships to the office, where Herbert Greenleaf tells him about the job: his son Dickie,  Tom's old acquaintance, has been living in Italy for years, pretending to be a writer or a painter, but really just goofing off.  Greenleaf wants Tom to convince Dickie to come home.

Why Tom?  They didn't know each other well.  Because none of Dickie's other friends wanted the job. Why would someone on the bottom of Dickie's friends list, who he doesn't know well and doesn't care about, be able to talk him into leaving Italy?  Tom must have a really big dick.

Scene 5: While he's considering the job, Tom has dinner with the Greenleafs. Back story dump: He went to Princeton. When he was young, his parents drowned. Uh-oh, maybe he killed them. Then they look at some photos of Dickie when he was young, in college, and now, in Atrapi, with Marge -- "girlfriend, friend, who knows?"  So Dickie is gay.

Scene 6: Tom at the tailor's, inspecting the clothes the Greenleafs bought for him. He gets his passport, signs travelers' checks, throws out his scam checks, and we're on the Orient Express!  In the Swiss alps; I guess in those days you flew in through Paris?   

He writes to his Aunt Dottie, who is getting a dental procedure -- which we see, for some reason: "You're free of me now, and I of you." I like the slow, moody structure, with the beautiful, weird shots of fire escapes, catwalks, and sculptures, but it's a little too slow.  How much time do we need to devote to Tom brooding?.

Scene 7: Naples. Tom gets off the train, changes some travelers' checks, and asks for a bus to Atrapi.  He is pushed into a cab instead, and arrives at a darkened station in the middle of the night.  Nothing to do but wait until morning, then get on the real bus -- for a trecherous drive through the mountains!

Atrapi, finally!  He asks someone, in bad Italian, for Richard Greenleaf, and is directed up endless stairs, through arches and corridors, up more stairs. to a villa.  Where he is told that Richard is down on the beach!  Is this supposed to be a comedy?

Scene 8: Tom at a shop, trying on a very bulging swimsuit, while ladies giggle at him. He asks for something a little less revealing. 

The beach is deserted -- oh, there in the distance is Dickie, lying down, fully clothed, with Marge's head on his thigh.  Tom wakes them and introduces himself, pretending that this is a chance meeting. Dickie doesn't remember him, but invites him to go for a swim.  Uh-oh, Tom is afraid of the water, since his parents drowned.  He won't set foot into the water.

More Dickie after the break

"Baby Reindeer": Comedian is turned gay by a sexual predator, but manages to turn straight again. No baby reindeer.

 Baby Reindeer -- why do British tv series often have titles that sound memorable, but you actually forget instantly because they are just nonsense words?  Remember Drop the Dead Donkey?  Anyhow, it's a thriller about a male comedian being stalked by a deranged female fan, which causes problems with his girlfriend.  So far it's heterosexuals all the way down, but listen to the Episode 4 blurb: "As Donny reports Martha (his stalker) to the police, it triggers the memory of a traumatic experience he had with a man he met at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival years before."

Ulp, surely we're not going to learn that all gay men are sexual predators out to seduce or assault hapless straight guys.  I thought that myth faded into oblivion back in the 1970s.  I'd better review the episode.

Scene 1: Looking very haggard, wild-eyed, sleazy, like a drug addict in search of a fix, Donny (Richard Gad) bursts into the police station to report his stalker. He wonders why he can't tell the cop about Martha groping him and attacking his girlfriend, or about her history of arrests?  He's suddenly reliving a traumatic event that happened at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in 2011.

Scene 2: Nice establishing shots of Edinburgh and the Fringe Festival, "one of the greatest celebrations of art and culture on the planet."   Donny has to perform comedy at a pub with no stage, just standing in front of three or four people who didn't know he was coming.  And his act is dreadful: he prances around in a dress and fright wig, then announces "My mother died today."  Then he explains that it's incongruous, so it's funny.  

Ok, so "I got circumcized today" -- pulling out gigantic scissors.  "See, I'm saying I have a big penis. It's funny."  Did this guy even workshop his material?

Scene 3: The pubkeeper gives him an admission card to the Luna Bar -- fell out of someone's wallet.  He goes, hoping to schmooze with the Fringe Festival elites. Still looking haggard, wild-eyed, and sleazy. Maybe he could, like, wear a nice shirt?   He latches onto a guy who was on the writing staff of the fringe movie Cottonmouth, and invites him to his show, "LOL on Cancer".  Nope, not interested.

A bearded bear, Darrien (Tom Goodman-Hill), approaches.  They diss the Cottonmouth guy and wish they could slip poison in this drink. Turns out that Darrien actually wrote the script -- the Cottonmouth snob was his assistant!  They're standing very close together.  Is this a hookup? Was Donny bi, back before he found true hetero-love?  

Scene 4: Darrien comes to his show, listens to his ridiculous jokes and performance bits, and offers to give him some pointers. 

Montage of Darrien's tips, like "Make eye contact," and the pub gradually fills up as people like the performance.  Donny tells us that he went out with Darrien every night to a private club (not gay). So, are we supposed to conclude that they're dating?  Why not just say so, or have them kiss?  

We do learn that Darrien is a "polyamorous pansexual."  Um...polyamorous means that you have more than one permanent romantic partner.

Scene 5: Darrien pushes Donny into the pub bathroom, stands kissing-close, and asks "Are you ready?" Donny: "Ready for anything." Sounds like he's up for some snogging. But it's not sex, it's cocaine.

Then Darrien returns to London, and stops contacting Donny.  "It felt strange."

Scene 6:  When the festival ends, Donny goes to acting class at Oxford. We see some of their ridiculous exercises: be a flame; mimic an ape. He gets a girlfriend, but he misses Darrien. So are you interested in him, or not?  Then out of nowhere Darrien calls and asks him to collaborate on a project.

Scene 7: Donny arrives at Darrien's elite flat, gets a tour, and shows his script: about a lawyer who decides to become a pro wrestler at age 50, and is torn between two worlds. Darrien is not impressed, but humors him. I'm guessing we're supposed to be reading them as straight buddies.  

Darrien asks if he wants to get really high, and gives him MDMA and GHB.  Hey GHB is a date rape drug!  But if you want to have sex with him, why not just ask?

More homophobia after the break

Gemstones Episode 3.6: BJ swallows a lot, Keefe learns about hard wood, and Kelvin gets a girlfriend. With nude boxer bonus

 

This is the censored version of the review, with no nude boxers or explicit sexual discussions.  

Link to the nude boxers.

In the last episode (before the interlude), we saw the family shattered, with Judy/BJ and Kelvin/Keefe breaking up and the Montgomery boys plotting against Eli.  Now we're going to see life amid the ruins.

Title: "For Out of the Heart Come Evil Thoughts." Matthew 15:19: "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies." We don't need to match the Gemstone with the sin: they are all guilty of false witness, lying to others or to themselves.

How to Make Things Right: BJ didn't move out, after all,  but the two are barely speaking. Judy asks what she can do to make things right. BJ doesn't know.  She is despondent. Remember that in 2000, she worried that she would never find anyone who would love her.  It took 18 years, but she finally found someone, and now it's over.

Gay joke: "I swallow a lot, but this may be something I can't choke down."  You just need a little practice.  Ask Keefe for some pointers. 

The Montgomery Boys Leave:  At Eli's mansion, the Montgomerys thank the family for "straightening them out."   Kelvin suggests that it happened "when we dressed them up."  That sounds like a gay reference.  

Jesse says "They're ready to fuck": their next steps should be girlfriends,  intercourse, wives and kids, the whole heterosexual trajectory.  To start them out, he gives them his monster truck, the Redeemer.

 As they drive away, Kelvin takes off his "wedding ring."  If he leaves it off, the relationship will really be over.  He'll be single again.  He puts it back on.  But maybe he is thinking of a heterosexual trajectory of his own. 

Taryn is Back: We cut to Kelvin introducing Taryn, who we last saw at Keefe's "wieners and ice cream" party, as his new assistant youth pastor.  A kid asks about Keefe, and he gets all bitchy: "He is leaving to pursue other opportunities.  Not even sure why you keep bringing that up!" -- while fiddling with his wedding ring again.  He continues to fiddle -- and look despondent -- as Taryn leads the kids in a dance. 

Paying off the Scandal:  The siblings meet with Stephen, his wife, and their lawyer.  They want $500,000 for "damages and emotional distress," or the affair goes viral.  So it's like the blackmail over Jesse's sex-and-drugs party in Season 1, but this time there's no tape.  Judy could just deny that anything happened.  She could even sue him for slander.

Martin suggests paying the money, along with an apology.  Kelvin must be wondering: if it's worth $500,000 to keep an extramarital affair under wraps, how much damage would he cause the church by coming out  -- or being outed.  He doesn't like Taryn in that way -- he doesn't like women in that way -- but what choice does he have?  

After scenes where Baby Billy and Jesse discuss the hologram Aimee-Leigh idea, and BJ stalks Stephen, Kelvin tries to find out if the relationship is really over.

The First Reconciliation Attempt:  We find Keefe working at Woodpecker's Carpentry.  Wood-pecker, har har, the first of many phallic references in this scene.  His earing, necklaces, and rings are gone -- for safety, or to keep closeted?  

Suddenly Kelvin appears. Looking around nervously, Keefe asks "Brother Kelvin, what are you doing here?" Note that he uses formal titles to reaffirm that they have broken up: they are just pastor and parishioner.  No doubt he's worried that Kelvin will out him by referencing their relationship or just being flamboyant.  Kelvin does try his usual titty-tweak, but Keefe doesn't respond.  You're broken up!  You're not allowed to take liberties anymore!

Gay joke: "Master Bishop has taught me a lot in the ways of hard wood." Tell me more about your...um...hard wood.  The odd title "Master," not used for master carpeters, led some fans to speculate that he and Keefer were involved in a BDSM relationship. 

 Wait -- how long has he worked there?  Surely it's only been a few days since the breakup.

Kelvin asks "Have you found happiness?" An odd question. Why not just ask if he likes his new job.?  Keefe says that he has, but of course he's lying.  He's busy working on a reconciliation rocking chair.  He uses the  punching gesture that straight guys sometimes use to ward off physical contact: a bro-hug would be too painful.

Apparently Kelvin expected Keefe to be crying and miserable, lost without him, like in the Season 1 breakup.  Seeing that his ex is doing ok, he becomes bitchy, denigrating the carpentry job and declaring that he's having lots of fun with Taryn: "everybody loves her...no one misses you at all." The happiness facade fails: Keefe frowns and orders him to leave. 

We cut to Judy asking Eli for the bribe money. He exclaims "Can't you children figure out your lives?" and refuses.  

Then the Montgomery Boys zoom the Redeemer into Peter's new militia compound, claiming that they stole it.  But in Episode 2, he sent goons to kill them.  When did they start working for him again?

BJ Trains: BJ bursts into tears while working at his Church Welcome Center job. Jesse and his crew sympathize: Stephen has cuckolded him, taken away his power.  He needs to fight the guy, "knock his dick in the dirt, show him who is the man."  

They take him down to the basement for punching-bag training.

Top photo: Michael O'Hearn works out with boxer Paulo Costa. 

Left: Punching bag

Crash! BJ complains that he broke his wrist on the punching bag.  "It was limp already," Jesse says: his first homophobic slur ever, again suggesting that Kelvin will have trouble coming out.  The family certainly knows, but they do not want the whole church to know. 

More advice and boxers after the break

"Redeeming Dave": Church for losers features a jerk, a drag queen, and a porn star

Redeeming Dave was a 2012 tv pilot by Dominic Russo (one of the creators of Workaholics). Comedian Aaron Rice starred as Dave, a guy who fails at everything, so he starts a church for losers.  Tony Cavalero played his friend Josh.

Who belongs to this church for losers?  An infographic word cloud in the show's trailer tells us: a smart ass, an ex, a police officer, a drag queen, a Sunday school teacher, a stripper, a bartender, and a failure.

The pilot is not available to be streamed, but Dominic Russo brings it up during an interview about Workaholics, and shows us two scenes:

In the first, Dave and Josh discuss how the "he/she has a tiny little baby dick."  "He/She" is transphobic, of course. Then she walks by, and they are embarrassed.

I'm wondering if the "drag queen" is actually a trans woman.

In the second scene, Josh is telling a grade school class that his friend got a hamster shoved all the way up his butt.  This is based on the homophobic urban legend that gay men like shoving rodents up there.

I can't really tell if the pilot is homophobic or transphobic based on two brief scenes, but since these were the scenes that Dominic Russo used to draw viewer interest, it seems likely that gay/trans identity was going to be a major focus.

The cast list includes Ryan Hughes as "Racist Cop" (must be one of the losers in the church).  I don't know if it's the same Ryan Hughes featured in Adonis Male in 2017, but just to be on the safe side, I included some nude photos on the NSFW version of this review.