Sep 26, 2020

The Most Boring, Stupid, and Heterosexist State Songs

At every school assembly when I was a kid in Rock Island, we had to sing the state song.  You were also forced to sing it at football games, wrestling matches, and political rallies:

By thy rivers gently flowing, Illinois, Illinois,
O'er the prairies verdant growing, Illinois, Illinois,
Comes an echo on the breeze.
Rustling through the leafy trees, and its mellow tones are these, Illinois, Illinois.

Has any state song been more reviled and made fun of?

Yep.  Across the river, Iowa's state song is just as bad, if not worse:

From yonder Misissippi's stream
To where Missouri's waters gleam
O! fair it is as poet's dream, Iowa, oh  Iowa.

Who decided that states should have official songs to be foisted upon schoolchildren and the audiences of football teams, and who decided that they should be uniformly so awful?  And heterosexist?

I took it upon myself to read the lyrics of all 50+ state songs (some have more than one).

It was dismal.  Song after song of nonsense.

This state is full of badgers, this state is full of sod,
This state is full of sandwiches, this state is under God.

Ok, I just made that one up.

New York's is hands-down the stupidest:

New York is special. New York is diff'rent' cause there's no place else on Earth quite like New York and that's why I love New York.

What, "Start spreading the word, I'm leaving today" was taken?

Contrary to what you might think, that nonsense was not composed by a 5-year old, but by Steve Karmen, an accomplished tv commercial jingle writer: "Aren't you glad you use Dial?", "When you say Budweiser," "The Great American chocolate bar."

Maryland's state song is grotesquely bloody:

Avenge the patriotic gore that flecked the streets of Baltimore,
And be the battle queen of yore, Maryland! My Maryland!

Colorado's is all about mass extinction due to over-hunting:

The bison is gone from the upland, the deer from the canyon has fled,
The home of the wolf is deserted, the antelope moans for his dead

Fortunately, they replaced it with John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High" in 2007.

Over half of the state songs are disgustingly heterosexist, making schoolkids and football teams sing about "Aren't you glad everybody is heterosexual?  Aren't you glad those pesky gay people don't exist?"

 How many times have you heard Indiana's "On the Banks of the Wabash, Far Away," without knowing who ir what was on that riverbank?  Some guy's dead girlfriend:

Long years have passed since I strolled thro' the churchyard.
She's sleeping there, my angel, Mary dear,
I loved her, but she thought I didn't mean it,
Still I'd give my future were she only here.

Georgia has Ray Charles' "Georgia On My Mind," in which the guy thinks of his ex-girlfriend while he's in bed with other women.

Other arms reach out to me, other eyes smile tenderly
Still in the peaceful dreams I see the road leads back to you

By the way, when you google "Georgia football player shirtless," what you get is Darian Alvarez, a soccer player from Honduras.  Not that I'm complaining.

Before countering with "South Carolina On My Mind" in 1984, South Carolina's state song was a little more graphic about the guy's girlfriend getting with other guys..

Thy skirts indeed the foe may part,
Thy robe be pierced with sword and dart,
They shall not touch thy noble heart!

After that, Michigan's state song about lost love is sort of a relief.  The girlfriend is receding into the distance, while the guy moans  "What am I supposed to do without you?"

Tennessee has "The Tennessee Waltz," which we had to sing in grade-school music class; "I was dancing with my darling, etc., etc."  Missouri has "The Missouri Waltz," which has a whole complicated story about a father reminiscing to his children about his dead wife.

Oklahoma adopted "Oklahoma!" from the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, which is all about getting married and moving to the land stolen from the Indians:

Ev'ry night my honey lamb and I
Sit alone and talk and watch a hawk makin' lazy circles in the sky know that hawk is searching for small animals to kill and eat, right?

Utah's state song is all about Brigham Young, Family with a capital F, and the "No Child Left Behind" Act.

Utah! With its focus on family,
Utah! Helps each child to succeed.
People care how they live.
Each has so much to give.
This is the place!

I just wish these guys were from Mississippi, so there'd be ten of them.

No state song extolled same-sex friendship, and the only one with any beefcake was Alabama's, mentioning two Native American heroes with muscular physiques:

Fair thy Coosa-Tallapoosa
Bold thy Warrior, dark and strong,
Alabama, Alabama, we will aye be true to thee!

Whoops, my mistake.  Those are both rivers.

Still, I imagine that grade school kids in Alabama have a lot of fun thinking of dirty meanings to Coosa-Tallapoosa.

"Why Don't Ya Come Ovah?": Tarik Hooks Up with a Ghost

Norfolk, July 2000

Tarik was 32 years old, working as a dietician in a hospital and cruising for older white guys, preferably cops.

Norfolk was a rough town, and rather homophobic, so you had to be careful: a lot of the cops would let you go down on them, then rob you or beat you up.  But there weren't a lot of gay venues other than the bars: he went to the MCC, the gay church, and wrote for Our Own Community Press, the local gay newspaper.

It was at the MCC that he met Mitchy: in his 50s, short, thin, greying, a bit on the femme side  (I have an image of Leslie Jordan), and something of a dollar-dropper (trying to attract guys with an ostentatious display of wealth).  Three minutes into the conversation, he had mentioned that he lived in Linkhorn, the wealthiest neighborhood in Virginia Beach, and that he owned a Rembrandt.  All in a thick Tidewater accent: "Hello theah, deah.  Ahm'm from Linhohn.  Ah own a pictuah by Rembrandt."

Maybe because he grew up poor and a member of the black-supremacist Nation of Islam, Tarik always found topping rich white guys very erotic, so he accepted Mitchy's invitation to "come ovah."

Not a great hookup.  A 45 minute drive, and turns out that Mitchy wasn't into anal; he was an oral top, and not even hung.  Plus his house was very cold, the Rembrandt was of a woman, there was another picture of a naked woman in the bedroom, he had torch songs playing constantly, and he was a bit racist: "Would you lakh to heah something else?  I know y'all lakh rap..."

But Tarik was not used to being pursued, so when Mitchy called two nights later and asked "Why don't yah come ovah?", he agreed.

More boring oral sex while a naked woman looked down on them and torch songs played, and it was so cold that they had to stay under the covers.

Three nights later "Why don't yah cove ovah for dinnah?"

Mitchy served pork chops!  Tarik didn't belong to the Nation of Islam anymore, but he still avoided pork.  He filled up on mashed potatoes and green beans, and then there was more oral sex right at the dining room table, before dessert.

And Mitchy insisted that he spend the night.

This was turning into a full-fledged relationship, except Mitchy never wanted to go out.  Apparently he was too closeted to go to the bars, and the day they met was the only time he attended the MCC.  He looked up in online chatrooms, and went out to First Landing State Park, the outdoor cruising area in Virginia Beach.

Great, an unwanted boyfriend who wasn't into anal, who wasn't hung and who was in the closet!

Tarik accepted "Why don't yah come ovah?" invitations two or three more times before getting the gumption to say "No.  Sorry, I don't feel like it tonight."

"But deah, I'm horney.  I have needs."

It was always about Mitchy's needs, wasn't it?  "Sorry, I don't feel like it."

"But deah, if you won't come ovah, I'll have to go to the park to meet a fella."

"Do what you want.  I'm not coming over."  Tarik hung up on him.

The next day when he went to the office of Our Own Community press, they were talking about a newspaper article. "Does anyone know if he was gay?  Was it really a bashing incident?"

Mitchy's housekeeper found him dead in his bedroom.  He had been beaten and strangled.  Nothing was taken. The police were baffled, but Tarik figured that he had gone out cruising and propositioned the wrong guy. 

Tarik felt guilty, of course.  If he hadn't said "no" that night.  But Mitchy made the decision to pick up rough trade.  He made the decision to stay in the closet.

A few weeks later, Tarik was lying in bed, just dozing off, when the phone rang. 

"Hello, deah.  Why don't yah come ovah?"

A prank call? But Tarik had told only a few people about his hookup/dates, and no one about Mitch's signature phrase or thick Tidewater accent.

Mitchy still pestering him for a hookup from beyond the grave?

The full story, with explicit sex and nude photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood.

Sep 25, 2020

"Ratched": Icky Murders, Aquamarine Gloves, "Nummy Num" Dinners, and Puppets

The new Netflix tv series Ratched is promoted as a prequel, covering the early life of Nurse Ratched in the 1963 Ken Kesey novel One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (and the 1978 movie version, where she was played by Louise Fletcher).  It's just a promotion; the Mildred Ratched of the Netflix series has no connection to the bullying, tyrannical, battle-axe nurse, unless she completely changed personalities between 1950 and 1963. 

Which is possible.  In this series, people change personalities, lovers, allies, enemies, motives, and goals at the drop of a fedora.

This is actually a season of American Horror Story, with the familiar cast members, gorgeous sets, looney rich people, and endless icky violence.  Except only a bit of supernatural, an occasional premonition.

It's 1948, and after insulting a few people on the road, young nurse Mildred Ratched (Sarah Paulson) arrives at the small town of Lucia in Northern California in a stylish aquamarine car (her gloves match the upholstered steering wheel).  She moves into the only hotel in town, run by the blowsy "I don't allow no fornication!" Louise (Amanda Plummer), who will become important later, and then goes to the St. Lucia Psychiatric Hospital, a gorgous mansion with offices as big as ballrooms.  

Oddly, although cars are shown parked right next to the mansion, everyone parks far away and walks across a field to get there. Also, there are only three nurses on staff in early episodes, and about 300 later on.

Mildred cons her way into a meeting with the hospital administrator, Dr. Hanover (Jon Jon Briones), and then bullies, insinuates, and insults her way into a job as a nurse, where she runs afoul of the mean, petty, bigoted head nurse Betsy Buckley (Judy Davis).  Well, for awhile anyway.  About halfway through the season, Betsy suddenly becomes very nice.  So does Mildred.  They end up best friends.

Mildred has a secret agenda (well, the first of several; she keeps changing them): her brother Edmund (Finn Wittrock, right) has been charged with the murders of five priests, and she wants to make sure that he is found incompetent to stand trial so he won't be executed (if he's found competent to stand trial, there should be a trial, not an execution!  Did anyone check on criminal procedures?). 

Then she wants him to escape, and then she wants to kill him for some reason.  Meanwhile he starts a romance with a nurse after one meeting, and they escape together, and....

Everyone else has secrets, too.  Dr. Hanover is hiding from his past life, when wacky heiress Lenore (Sharon Stone) hired him to cure her psycho son Henry (Brandon Flynn).  But instead, they started partying, took too much LSD (it's impossible to overdose on LSD.  Did anyone check on the drug's properties?) and ended up with  Henry a quadruple amputee.  Lenore feeds him, and asks after every bite if it was "nummy-num," which I actually found more disgusting then the various gouged-out eyes and boiling-water hydrotherapies of other scenes.

Lenore sends a hit man (Corey Stoll) to find and kill Hanover, but before that, he meets Mildred, and they start a crazy sexual relationship: "While we're doing it, let's pretend  that you have had your legs amputated, and there's no morphine, so you're screaming in pain."

Meanwhile the boorish, bigoted, Southern redneck, s"you have a nice ass, honey, but you should smile more" governor (Vincent D'Onofrio) is depending on Edmund's execution to get him re-elected for some reason. (The governor of California in 1948 was Earl Warren, who would become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, and did not have a Southern accent.)

 His assistant Gwendolyn (Cynthia Nixon) has her own secret: she's a lesbian, and in a marriage-of-convenience with a swishy gay man (Michael Benjamin Washington).

Who is black.  There are several interracial relationships in this series, which no one gives a second thought to.  In the era of miscegenation laws and Jim Crow, that seems like a ridiculous oversight.  But why add more drama?

Gwendolyn meets Mildred, assumes that she is gay, and brings her to a lesbian bar.  Mildred is disgusted by the rampant decadence and immorality.  But after an episode or two, she does a complete about-face, is completely fine with being a lesbian, and expects Gwendolyn to be her life-partner before they even get around to a second date.  Gwendolyn is not up for it, due to the drama, secret agendas, and gratuitous violence in Mildred's life, so she rejects her outright.  But in the next episode, they are together without comment.  

Strangely, everyone they come out to, without exception, is totally fine with it.  Even Nurse Betsy, who was promoting torturous gay conversion therapy literally five minutes before.  Even the boorish Governor, upon discovering that his assistant and the "nice ass!" Mildred are lovers, merely says "My sister is like that.  It's a hard life.  Good luck to you."

More drama occurs when Gwendolyn wants to go to a puppet show.  Mildred refuses, and Gwendolyn childishly breaks up with her for the fifteenth time. (Geez, she doesn't like puppet shows! Do something else!).  But the puppet show give us the opportunity to see Edmund and Mildred's ghoulish back story, and to hear Mildred tell it all over again later (repeating the exact same story twice was a good idea because?)

I forgot about Charlotte (Sophia Okoneda), who suffers from multiple personalities, including an athlete who was at the 1936 Olympics and now wants to kill Hitler, and the diva Ondine ("I played first chair at the New York Symphony!  I performed for Prince Louis II of Monaco!  You are nothing!  You are garbage!").  She will become important later, and even shows up in the last teaser scene.

There are a few other guys who are not particularly important to the various ridiculous plotlines, but are cute:  Huck Finnegan (Charlie Carver), an orderly-turned-head-nurse with a partially melted-off face; and Father Andrew (Hunter Parrish), a priest who survived Edmund's mass murder, only to have things shoved into places you don't want to know about.  

Huck Finnegan?  Really?

Ratched is stylish, beautifully flimed, lesbian-friendly, with nonsensical plots, little awareness of late 1940s culture other than the costumes, and no consistency in characterization.  But stylish.  My grade: B-.

The Mystery of Lee Kinsolving Solved

You asked about the hunk on the left in this publicity shot from The Explosive Generation (1961).

Short answer: 

He's high school student Dan Carlyle (Lee Kinsolving), helping classmate  Bobby Herman (Billy Gray) hold up a girl in a scene that doesn't appear in the movie (it's about teaching sex education).

You're probably more interested whether there are any more beefcake shots.

So am I.

Long answer:

Arthur Lee Kinsolving Jr. was born in Boston on August 30, 1938, son of Rev. Arthur Lee Kinsolving, Rector of Trinity Church, and Mary Kemp Blagden.  He had three younger siblings (born in 1940, 1942, and 1948).  In 1947, Rev. Kinsolving became Rector of the extremely prestigious St. James Episcopal Church at Madison and 71st in Manhattan.

Going by "Lee" to distinguish himself from his father, the younger Kinsolving graduated from Episcopal High School, an exclusive private boarding school in Alexandria, Virginia, in 1956.

He enrolled at Trinity College, an exclusive private college in Hartford, Connecticut. The summer after his freshman year, he was performing at the Westchester Playhouse, when a Broadway scout signed him on to star in Winesburg, Ohio (which ran from February 5th to 15th, 1958, at the National Theater).  He played Seth.

 Next Agent Richard Clayton, the gay agent who signed on such gay and gay-vague stars as James Dean, Tab Hunter, and Richard Chamberlain, signed Lee on and got him gigs on some East Coast tv programs (Playhouse 90, Alcoa Theater).  

I wonder if Richard Clayton had a casting couch.

After graduating from Trinity in 1959, Lee moved to Hollywood, and  appeared in a variety of tv programs, mostly in dramatic roles and Westerns (Have Gun -- Will Travel, The Rifleman).

His movie credits include: All the Young Men, The Dark at the Top of the Stairs (which won him a Golden Globe nomination), Ah Wilderness, and The Explosive Generation.

He retired from acting in 1966 due to "personal frustrations with the business."  That is, he hadn't worked in 2 years.

He managed the hip restaurant Toad Hall in Manhattan from 1968 to 1969.  I wonder if it's the same Toad Hall in Soho today.

In 1969 he moved to Palm Beach, Florida, where he managed the Lillian Phipps Gallery and later the Wally Findlay Gallery, which "became the opulent setting for flamboyant openings for socially prominent artists."

Must have been some gay people wandering around.  Wally Findlay himself died in 1996 at the age of  92, never married.

Lee also raced speedboats and acted as the captain of the DuPont Family yacht.

This guy was well-connected!

He was linked romantically with Tuesday Weld and Candace Bergen, and was married to  model Lillian Bishop Crawford from 1969 to 1972.  I don't know what "linked romantically" means, but such a short marriage may indicate that he was gay and closeted.

Sometime in 1974, he contracted a respiratory disease that didn't display any symptoms, so no one was aware that he was sick until, on December 4th, he collapsed at his apartment and died.  He was 36.

The Photos of Celebrities Website claims that the following shirtless and nude photos are of Lee Kinsolving.  Which ones are real?

1. Doubtful.

2. No way.

3.  Not even the right hair color.

Sep 24, 2020

Searching for Water Polo Teams Outside of California


What Florida is to weightlifting, California is to water polo.  Nearly every high school and college has a water polo team.  But outside of California, they're as rare as boxing teams.  After a lot of searches, I just put random towns in the search engine with "water polo" and "high school" or "college," to see what popped up.

1. Denver:  The mom of the eleven-year old kid is advertising his cat-sitting and plant-sitting service.  She specifies: "hot water polo players not included."  

Not even if I tip them?

The kid is wearing a t-shirt from the Broncos water polo team in...California.

2. Chicago showed only girls, and St. Louis showed a lacrosse team --- not the same thing.  This is  Bluff City Water Polo in Memphis.  Doesn't this team look a little young?

3. A search for Harvard University water polo yielded this very shiny team.  wait -- it's actually not Harvard University, it's California.

4. A  search on Albuquerque high school water polo yielded two New Mexico baseball teams and this 25-year old water polo player turned bodybuilder.  From California.

The full post is on A Gay Guide to Small Town America

Sep 23, 2020

Searching for Non-Heterosexist Amazon Recommendations, Part 2


It's time for another game of "finding something to watch on Amazon Prime that's not about the Girl of Your Dreams."

The Hippopotamus.  Sounds like something Ionesco would write, but it's actually Based On The Best-Selling Novel by Stephen Fry (all in caps). A semi-famous poet investigates a series of miracle healings.  And, apparently, a pink hippopotamus. The trailer shows none of that, however.  The aging ex-poet drinks, meets four women, and falls out  of a boat.  

The trailer also shows a cute guy named David, who is bisexual.  According to the plot synopsis on wikipedia, he has "morally dubious sex" with two girls and a guy. Whoa, homophobia.  Or biphobia.  And no pink hippo.  At least there are two beefcake shots.

The Hungover Games. 
Four guys go to Laughlin, Nevada to celebrate the upcoming wedding of their buddy to Tracey, who "has an Adam's apple and a penis."  None of them are particularly attractive, but Damien Bray (left) plays a scuba driver.

They find themselves transported to the future for a parody of The Hunger Games. Goiing through it on fast forward, I find no other gay references, but a lot of boobs, and a last scene where one of he guys meets the Girl of His Dreams.

Drowning Mona. 
When a woman (Bette Midler) drives her car into the river and drowns, everybody in town is suspect. There are several recognizable stars, including Danny DeVito, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Casey Affleck.  But the icon shows Danny DeVito surrounded by hot babes.  And it ends with a wedding. Next!

The Courier.  A female motorcycle courier must fight off a sadistic....  Next!

Dirty Thirty.  On the eve of Katie's thirtieth birthday, her friends Eve and Charlie (a girl) throw her a party that goes out of control.  According to the plot synopsis on wikipedia, Charlie is a lesbian, about to marry the Girl of Her Dreams. Not heterosexist, but I still don't want to see it.

The New Guy.
  Is this a take on The New Girl tv series?  No, the guy is shown with two hot babes hanging over him.  In the wikipedia page, it's three, one naked.  He's a high school student who seeks out the advice of a prison inmate on how to get babes.  

Butt Boy
.  A guy is killing kids and stuffing them up his butt.  What?  Sounds homophobic, or bottom-phobic, or something grotesque.  This picture doesn't seem to have anything to do with the movie, but beefcake is beefcake.

  Two "deliberate vagabonds," a "pirate" named Dirty Freddy and  a "peak oil fanatic" named Bruho (it's spelled "brujo") loot vacation houses in the Catskills.  Until they meet a runaway teenage boy and a young woman.  

"Peak oil" is the point in time when oil reserves start to decline, and eventually run out.  Depending on the rate of extraction, oil will run out between 2100 and 2200.  Why is that a fanatic obsession?  Won't we all be dead due to global warming long before that?

The trailer flashes "doomsdays" a hundred times and shows them hitting each other, but I don't see any actual post-Apocalyptic, psycho-slasher , or peak oil doom going on.

I wonder if they are a gay couple.  No, according to a review, Fred falls in love with The Girl.

It's 3:00 am, and I have Season 1 of Designing Women waiting downstairs.

Sep 22, 2020

The Feathered Serpent: Gay British Aztecs

During the "British tv invasion" of the late 1970s, I discovered The Prisoner, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Upstairs Downstairs, and The Tomorrow People, but I missed The Feathered Serpent (1976-78).  It was never broadcast in the U.S., maybe because it's not set in Britain.  It's set in a mythic pre-Columbian kingdom that mixes Maya and Aztec (and a little Inca), stage-bound -- no exteriors, but with some nicely decorated sets.

The Emperor Kulkulkhan (Tony Steedman) wants to ensure peace with the neighboring Toltecs by having his daughter, Chimalma (Diane Keen), marry the young Toltec prince Heumac (27-year old Brian Deacon).  Meanwhile the evil priest Nasca (Patrick Troughton) tries to sabotage the wedding and generally make trouble, sometimes with supernatural assistance.

Although their wedding is an overarching goal of the series, Heumac and Chimalma do not behave at all like lovers; they are diplomatic allies about to create an alliance.  They become friends -- especially when they must work together to fight Nasca -- but there is no tenderness or  longing between them.

Instead, Heumac devotes all of his attention to his young servant, Tozo (19-year old Richard Willis, right).  Twice Tozo is captured by the bad guys and tortured, prompting Heumac to attempt a daring rescue.  They also go on a perilous quest together.  As the series ends, Heumac, Tozo, and Chimalma sit on the royal platform together, as if they will be co-rulers.

There is also significant beefcake.  In the first season, Tozo's long hair and two-piece servant costume make him somewhat too much like a girl to be of interest, but in the second season he drops the suit, often wearing only a revealing Mayan pouch.

Heumac usually wears a sleeveless robe, but during the perilous quest he strips down to another revealing Mayan pouch.

And other characters often display muscular physiques, or at least revealing pouches.

Brian Deacon was very busy on British tv before and after Feathered Serpent, with roles in Love and Mr. Levisham, Good Girls,The Emigrant, and Jesus.  The movie Zed and Two Noughts (1986), about twin brothers (played by Brian and his brother Eric) involved in a three-way relationship, features frontal nudity.

Richard Sheridan Willis, who was born on Stratford-on-Avon and named after the famous playwright Richard Brinsley Sheridan, is mostly active in theater in Britain, Canada, and the U.S., though he occasionally performs on television and in movies.  Here he encounters pirate Peter Sellers in Ghost in the Noonday Sun (1973).

Buster Brown Comics: 1940s Beefcake at the Shoe Store

The first generation of Baby Boomers watched some crazy kids' shows on their brand-new black and white tvs, like Andy's Gang, aka Smilin' Ed's Gang (1951-1960), with the screechy-voiced hosts Andy Devine or Smilin' Ed McConnll, the demonic hell-beast Froggy the Gremlin, and the live action adventures of a very Nordic "Indian boy" named Gunga (1955-60).

It was sponsored by Buster Brown Shoes, an attempt to get kids interested in the most boring item of clothing imaginable:  an elderly Little Person in an Edwardian sailor suit would say -- very slowly:

"I'm Buster Brown....I live in a sho....He's my dog Tige....He lives in there too.

The crazy advertising mascot derives from Buster Brown, an early 20th century comic strip (1902-1921) about a mischievous boy who has adventures and then writes a "resolution" to behave more appropriately in the future.

Like many tv series of the 1950s, it had a predecessor on radio, Smilin' Ed's Buster Brown Show (1944-1953), with Smilin' Ed McConnell hawking the shoes and reading the adventure stories.

With a tie-in comic book, Buster Brown Comics.  45 issues were published between 1945 to 1946.  You could get them for free at local shoe stores and department stores, which conveniently printed their addresses on the front cover -- presumably while picking up your comic, you (or Mom) would do some shopping.

Each issue featured a humorous story starring Smilin' Ed and the Gang, plus an adventure story starring a muscular teenage boy: "Leathern Cord of Magic," "Dude Ranch Desperado," "Leopard Men," "Desert Raiders," "Ghanga the Elephant Boy."

Most were scripted by Hobart Donovan, the head writer of Smilin' Ed's gang, and the husband of voice actress June Foray (best known for Rocky and Bullwinkle).  A number of artists drew the stories, including Ruben Moreira, Ray Willner, and future fantasy illustrator Frank Frazetta.

Remember, this was an era where movies never showed shirtless men except an occasional Tarzan or Bomba the Jungle Boy, and tv was a small black-and-white box with ghostly, hard-to-see images.  Comic books were your only source of beefcake images.

And you could get free beefcake comics every other month just by dropping in to a shoe store.

Sounds bizarre, but sign me up!

See also: Andy's Gang

Sep 21, 2020

Young Rebels: Hippie Spies of the American Revolution

In the wake of Woodstock, ABC wanted to capitalize on the hippie counterculture, and someone noticed that the key players of the American Revolution were young, too: in 1776, Alexander Hamilton was 21, James Madison 25, and Thomas Jefferson 33.  But somebody asked for spies, too, to capitalize on the Cold War spy craze.  The result was The Young Rebels (1970-71), about a trio of young-adult spies working to undermine the evil Redcoats.

1. Jeremy (Rick Ely, right), son of the local pro-British mayor.  (No relation to Ron Ely, the first tv Tarzan).

2. Isaak (Louis Gossett, Jr., bottom), a former slave and Civil Rights advocate.
3. Elizabeth (Hilary Johnson), a Women's Rights advocate.

Their mentor, Henry, was an elderly Ben Franklin clone (though played by 28-year old Alex Henteloff, left).

Most of the buddy-bonding occurred between Jeremy and Isak, who went on most of the missions together (and Isak required lots of rescuing).  But I liked the interaction between Jeremy and the Marquis de Lafayette (Philippe Forquet), a real historical figure who came to the U.S. to fight in the Revolutionary War.

The network had high hopes for the program, and heavily invested in tie-in novels, lunch boxes, and comics.  Rick Ely and Philippe Forquet got significant teen idol treatment, sharing the teen magazines with David Cassidy and Davey Jones (Rick Ely even released a teen idol album). My social studies teacher even discussed the series, the first time I had ever heard any teacher talk about tv except in a sneering dismissal of "Brain-rotting junk!"

But there was a problem: Sunday night was already crowded with kid-friendly series, Lassie on CBS and The Wonderful World of Disney on NBC.  Besides, if you wanted a trio of hippies, you could watch Mod Squad. 14 episodes aired in the fall of 1970, and a 15th in January 1971, and that was all.

Afterwards Rick Ely had guest spots on Marcus Welby, MASH, and Gunsmoke, did some soaps, and played a gay prisoner on I Escaped from Devil's Island (1973).  His IMDB filmography ends in the early 1980s. I heard some rumors that he is still alive, still living in Los Angeles, and gay.

Philippe Forquet, who was a French aristocrat in real life, was heralded as the most handsome man in France, and had been busily playing sultry boyfriends to sexually-liberated women: In the French Style (1963), Three Nights of Love (1967), Camille 2000 (1969), and so on.  Afterwards he worked on several tv series before retiring to oversee the family estate and businesses.

Louis Gossett Jr. and Alex Henteloff have both had long careers before the camera. 

Bob Morane: James Bond without the Girls

French class offered a practically infinite amount of riches for the beefcake-and-bonding devotee.  If you tired of the Green Library, you could always move on to the Marabout Junior series, which featured adventurer Bob Morane.

Bob Morane was a former RAF pilot who worked as a reporter and freelance adventurer, often accepting secret-agent or detective assignments.  In later volumes he worked for the Time Patrol, going back to dinosaur times or fighting androids in outer space.

 There weren't a lot of illustrations, but those the books had displayed Bob with a massive chest, usually when one of the bad guys, usually Ming "The Yellow Shadow," had him strung up for weird torture.

Bob's best buddy, a Scotch bodybuilder  usually traveled with him to provide the gay subtexts, and get strung up for a series of "my hero!" rescues.

Ok, there were some girls. But I don't remember Bob actually having sex, and the girl-chasing was minimal, far less than in James Bond.

Belgian author Henri Vernes published 12 volumes of Bob Morane's adventures (1958-67).  Most have been translated into English. There have also been over 100 bandes-dessinee (which I haven't read), a 1964-5 tv series (with Claude Titre as Bob Morane and Billy Kearns as Bob Ballantine), a 1998 animated series, and some tie-in video games and toys.

Sep 20, 2020

Parasite: Grifters, Frisky Heterosexuals, and a Disgusting Plot Twist


Friday night is date night.  During the pandemic, that means Chinese food and a red-envelope Netflix dvd.  Bob populates the list, so I have no idea what the movie will be in advance.  But his tastes run to science fiction, superhero, and horror, so when I saw the title Parasite, I assumed it was like Robert Heinlein's puppet masters, slimey bogies that attach to your spinal cord and turn you into a zombie. 

Until we started watching.  It's a parable, about class struggles, the highest grossing South Korean movie in history, and the only one to win best picture at the Academy Awards.  

I still didn't like it.  I hate movies that suddenly shift from comedy to horror.

The Kims, a family of grifters -- Mom, Dad, young adult son and daughter -- live at the bottom of the bottom of Korean society, literally -- in a basement apartment at the bug end of an alley where homeless guys come to piss.  They have jobs as pizza-box folders while waiting for their next score.  

It comes from the ultra-rich Park family, who live at the top of the top in an impossibly elegant house where every room is the size of a football field.  We don't know where Dad Park Dong-ik (Lee Sun-kyun, left, old photo) acquired his wealth; there's a framed magazine article on the wall about him playing in Central Park, so a musician; but he's also shown evaluating electronic gadgets, so an entrepreneur.

1. Old friend Min-hyuk (Park Seo-joon) is going away for a year, and suggests that son Kim Ki-woo (Choi Woo-shik) fake a university degree and take over his job tutoring the Parks' 16-year old daughter.  

Kim Ki-woo gets the job.  He and the daughter also start kissing, which I found distasteful.  He's at least 23 (the actor is 30), and in a position of authority.  Besides, the daughter doesn't seem to be all there.

He suggests that the Parks' 10-year old son, a troubled, hyperactive boy who paints disturbing surreal pictures (how does he sit still long enough?), could benefit from expensive art therapy from:

2. Daughter Kim Ki-jeung.  He pretends that they don't know each other (and 20% of the Korean population is named Kim, so no one comments on the similar name).  

Daughter  gets the chauffeur (Park geun-rok, top photo) fired by leaving her panties in the car, and recommends a new chauffeur:

3. Father Kim Ki-taek (Song Kang-ho, left, old photo).  

Then they get the housekeeper, Gook Moon-gwang, fired by making everyone think that she has tuberculosis.  And recommend as a new housekeeper:

4. Mother Choong-sook.

They've conned their way into their jobs, but they are perfectly competent, so not much of a problem, right?  

Then things start to get bizarre.

The Parks are not aware that there is a secret door in the lower kitchen that leads through a maze of tunnels and stairways to a bunker, where the ex-housekeeper's husband Oh Geun-sae (Park Myung-hoon) has been hiding from loan sharks for four years.  He's gone a bit daffy due to isolation.  Well, a lot daffy.

Each group of grifters wants to expose the other's secrets.  There is a lot of slapstick comedy  violence.  Then suddenly the tone shifts, and things get deadly.  A lot of people get brutally murdered.  I'm not sure who -- people who were lying in pools of blood turn up alive later, and people who were stabbed in the shoulder end up kaput.  According to wikipedia, ex-housekeeper, her husband, the Kim daughter, and Mr. Park, but there could have been others.  

I hate it when you're expecting a comedy and you end up with a tragedy, 

A lot of hunky Korean actors, but no one takes off a shirt.  

Other Sights: The house is a work of art.

Gay Characters: When Min-hyuk suggests the tutoring job, he tells the Kim son, "I know you won't try anything with her."  I interpreted that to mean that Kim Ki-woo was gay, until the kissing begain.

Heterosexism: Rampant frisky hetero-horniness: "let's do it in the kitchen! Pretend that you're the chauffeur...put on daughter's panties...."  

Disgusting Plot Twists: From Benny Hill hijinks to a stage littered with blood-soaked bodies.

My Grade: D-

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