"Pitch Perfect": Nerd Ben Platt, hunk Skylar Astin, and jerk Adam Devine. What could go wrong? With nude dudes.

 Pitch Perfect (2012) is comedy about dueling a capella choirs.  I didn't even know that a capella groups were a thing, but wikipedia lists dozens of them, and Music Grotto ranks the best groups (#1 is Pentatonix).  Regardless, if it's about music, there's bound to be some gay characters.  

Link to the nude dudes

Scene 1: An all-male a capella choir, the Barden University Treblemakers led by Bumper (Adam Devine), performs "Don't Stop the Music" at Lincoln Center, to rousing applause!  

In the booth, the judges discuss how perfect they are for the International Championship of Collegiate A Capella Groups (I want this to spell something dirty, but it doesn't), and how all the ladies in the room are hot for them.  Ugh, heterosexism in the first second: the only reason a man does anything is to get ladies.  

They perform some cool moves. Bumper does a "sexy man-split", struts for the fangirls, and insults the next group: an all-female choir.  They're the first girl group to get this far in the competition because, according to the judges, girls just don't have the range.  I think we're supposed to condemn the judges for being sexist.

Dressed like 1960s stewardesses, the Bellas sing a snoozefest song. Then one throws up.  Projectile vomiting in the first five minutes!  Yuck! The judges actually like this: it add excitement to their act.

Scene 2:  This must be a flashback.  Beca takes a taxi to move-in day at the stately, ivy-halled university.  She meets her new roommate, who hates her from the start, even more when she brings out her DJ equipment.  

Her dad drops by: Dr. Mitchell, a Professor of Comparative Literature.  I majored in that in grad school, for about ten minutes. It was stiflingly elitist. He insists that she give college a chance; she can move to California and become a dj later.

Meanwhile, the hunky Jesse  (Skylar Astin, left) meets his new roommate, Benji (Ben Platt, below), a Star Wars nerd and amateur magician.  To his credit, Jesse doesn't insult him.  (Ben Platt is gay in real life, so maybe his character is gay).

Scene 3: The Activities Fair.  Hunky Jesse tells Magician Benji that the hottest club on campus is Bumper's A Capella Group. It's what being a man is all about.  He points to where Bumper is asking passing girls if they want him to whip it out. But they're sexist jerks!

Meanwhile the head Barden Bella rejects a girl because her boobs are inadequate.  More sexist jerks!  She only wants "super-hot girls with bikini bodies who can harmonize and have perfect pitch." Her assistant suggests maybe recruiting girls who can sing, like Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson).  Yes, she calls herself that.  

Scene 4: An incredible hunk in a swimsuit is passing out fliers, but Beca ignores him.  Maybe we're supposed to conclude that she's gay?   

She stops at a booth called the Barden DJs, since she wants to be a DJ, but it's actually a group for Deaf Jews, har har.

Head Barden Bella tries to recruit her for the Bellas, but she refuses: it sounds tremendously lame. 

Meanwhile, Nerd Benji is desperate to join the Treblemakers, but Bumper says no.  But Bumper's singing changed his life!  Maybe they could hang out sometime?  Nope: "The smell of your weird is affecting my vocal chords."  Dude, pick someone who doesn't sneer all the time.  Your new roommate seems nice.  

Scene 5:  Beca finds a campus radio station that plays funky alternative music. Wait, she has a job there.  On move-in day?  Turns out that Hunk Jesse works there too.    Time for a meet-cute?  Nope, she hates him. Station manager Luke (Freddie Stroma, left) tells them that, as freshmen, they can't go into the DJ booth; their job is to sort CDs.  Ugh!  

Scene 6: Dad wakes Beca up.  "You've been here a month, and still no friends?  Geez, I thought it was the next day.  "Get with the program."   "I work at the radio station?" "With those weirdos?"  He forces her to join a student club. 

She heads to the shower room (fortunately, we don't see anything.)  Surprise -- she's being stalked by the Bella Aubrey, who gets way too close as she importunes Beca to join.  Ok, ok, just get your hands off my junk!

Scene 6:  The auditions for all four a capella groups at once.  I guess you sing for all of them, and we can watch Bumper insulting more people. 

The host, Kolio (David Del Rio), specifies that this is not a high school club, where you "can sing and dance your way through any social issue or confused sexuality."  Ok, that's homophobic, claiming that gay people are "confused."   "This isn't high school, it's real life."  I get it: gay people do not exist in real life.  

The auditions are mostly awful.  I expected Beca to nail it, but she does a weird thing with clapping and a cup.  Everyone is shocked by how awful she is, but she's in anyway.  Almost everyone who auditioned gets in. 

More a capella after the break

Steve Zahn: From 1990s golden boy to 2020s depressed dad, with nudity all the way down

  

Link to the nudity

Steve Zahn started his career in theater Biloxi Blues, Bye, Bye, Birdie, and the off-Broadway Sopistry: "a beloved philosophy professor is charged with sexually assaulting a male student. Gay themes are starting early.  

Both Steve and his costar Ethan Hawke were cast in Reality Bites (1994), about depressed Gen X-ers in Houston. Steve plays one of those endlessly depressed gay guys you see in movies of the era, who doesn't actually do anything gay except come out to his mother.

 More weird, experimental, and depressing bits followed, such as SubUrbia (1996): Steve plays Buff, one of a group of disillusioned teens in the bleak urban wastelands of the 1990s.  I didn't live in a bleak urban wasteland, and there were no gay characters, so I couldn't relate. 

In a 1995 episode of Friends, we learn that Phoebe married a gay Canadian ice hockey player (Steve), so he can get his green card.  Except he decides that he's not gay after all.  Seems like a pattern developing. 

Next came The Object of My Affection (1998), which I didn't see because it seemed homophobic: a gay guy turns straight because women are so hot, but then goes back to gay again.  Steve plays the gay-straight-gay guy's brother.

I avoided Saving Silverman (2001), thinking that it was about a lesbian who changes to straight. That appears to be another movie: this Silverman is a guy about to make a disastrous marriage, so his friends try to reunite him with the Girl of His Dreams.  One of the friends, J.D. (Jack Black), comes out and marries his high school Coach (R. Lee Ermy), but I think it's played for homophobic laughs.  Steve plays one of the friends, who here is trying to become flexible enough to perform oral sex on himself.  Just ask JD to do it for you.

In the thriller Joy Ride (2001),  Lewis (Paul Walker), traveling cross-country to pursue the Girl of His Dreams, of course, stops to pick up his estranged brother (Steve).  

They run afoul of a road-rage driven trucker, but meet a girl for Steve to fade-out with.  Plus they have to walk into a gas station nude.

More Steve after the break

Gemstones Episode 3.4: Wieners, betrayal, a burning a-hole, and Kelvin at his jerkiest. With a nude Steve Zahn bonus

This is the G-rated version of the review, with no nudity or explicit sexual discussions.  

Link to the NSFW version.

Episode 3.3 ended on a positive note, with Kelvin/Keefe, and BJ/Judy reconciled and Jesse/Amber admitting the Montgomery Boys to the family.  In Episode 3.4, the midpoint of the season,  things fall apart, with betrayal after betrayal and two destroyed relationships.

Title: "I Am Come Not to Bring Peace But a Sword." A famous quote from Jesus in Matthew 10:34.  Things are going to get dark. 

Some premium sex dolls:  Keefe and Taryn are leading a Teen and Parents Together "ice cream and wieners" party.  Keefe has apparently never done any ministry without Kelvin, so he is very nervous.  He is not wearing his "wedding ring," maybe worried that it would out him.

The parents point out that they know very little about Keefe, even though he is a youth minister, in charge of nurturing their children.   Before Keefe has a chance to answer any questions, Biker Clarence, the owner of the store that he bought out drops by to praise him for buying "every last butt buzzer I had in stock!"   He invites Keefe to check out the new merchandise coming in: "We got some premium sex dolls!"  Inappropriate, dude! You're in an ice cream shop. Don't you notice the kids around? 

Taryn and Keefe assure the parents that "it's not what you think."  That is, Keefe isn't actually gay, he bought the toys for a project "we did with your kids."  Even worse!  But didn't the parents know about Smut Busters?  You have to get permission slips every time you take the kids off church property.

The boys at the Citadel: Next, Jesse and Amber complain to their teenage son Pontius that he has too many tattoos,  he shouldn't be having sex with his girlfriend, and he's been rejected by every college he applied to.Come on, lots of colleges have open admission.  Jesse wants to send him to the Citadel, the South Carolina military college.

Sunday mrning: after  "getting ready for church" scenes, the Gemstones and Montgomerys walk down a hallway the Salvation Center. The shots in the trailer caused considerable fan speculation: why do Kelvin and Keefe look so angry?  I still don't know.

Loud and Proud:  We see the beginning of the service, a Christian rock number, with May-May disapproving and Cousin Karl loving it.  Then it's time for the family dinner at Jason's Steakhouse, and a practically endless series of queer codes.  Interesting that the guys start being obviously a couple immediately after the Cousin's Night romantic interlude.

May-May disapproves of her sons' silk suits: too shiny, "like a lady's neglige.  A little loud and proud for me."  In other words, they make the boys look gay.  Jesse yells at her for "talking trash." Implying that someone is gay constitutes "talking trash"? That's homophobic, dude.

Judy defends the boys from the "accusation," saying that they are attractive to women. So you turn gay because you can't find a woman?  Laying on the homophobia, aren't we?

As he listens to his family's homophobic banter, Kelvin looks like he's about to cry.   And Keefe -- that's the look your boyfriend gets at Thanksgiving Dinner, when your parents told you to not "cause a scene" by coming out, and then Uncle Bob starts complaining about "fags taking over." Cavalero got it exactly right.

.

Holding Hands under the Table:  Peter Montgomery (Steve Zahn, top photo) enters, announces that he has a new militia compound "on a farm," and invites his sons to join him.  They refuse, so he circles the table, threatening that retribution is coming.  

As he circles, Keefe moves his right hand under the table.  Then Kelvin moves his left hand under the table. These are not random acts:  Boyfriends who are scared (and closeted) would look for reassurance by holding hands.

Their hands stay under the table until Peter threatens Judy, and Eli steps in, telling him to leave or he'll be shot.  Everyone in the family except Gideon, Kelvin, and Keefe pulls out a gun.  A gun expert on the fan board pointed out that only Amber and BJ are holding them properly.  Then Kelvin,  frightened (of his family's guns?), says something indecipherable to Keefe, who moves his hand back to the table top and makes a finger-gun.  Kelvin looks around for a weapon, and brandishes a fork.  His left hand is still under the table, and stays there, holding Keefe, until Peter circles the table again.  

Now the "wedding rings" are fully visible, matching men's silver wedding bands with black diamond inlay (the real thing sells for over $4000),  on the ring finger of Kelvin's left and Keefe's right hand.  

They will be emphasized several times during the season, especially when Kelvin is thinking about or talking about Keefe.  They are symbols of the relationship, which means that the guys exchanged them deliberately.  They have a permanent commitment.  Kelvin can't say that they are lovers, but he can show it.

For a little while, anyway.

Things get worse after the break.

"The People We Hate at the Wedding": Two sisters and their mum find love, the gay guy doesn't, and there's only one penis

  

Link to NSFW version

The 2017 novel The People We Hate at the Wedding is about a wealthy British girl, Eloise, hoping to reconcile with her two American half-siblings, Alice and Paul, by inviting them to her lavish wedding.  Paul is gay, complete with longsuffering boyfriend. 

 Knowing how much Hollywood loves to straighten gay characters, I watched the 2022 movie version on Amazon Prime to make sure that Paul stays gay.

Scene 1: Various childhood antics of the half-siblings, including a disastrous Santa Claus-sitting with a very cute, harried harried Elf photographer (Brandon Johnston, left).

Scene 2: The young adult Alice, who works at a small desk in a big office, checks her mail: the invitation to her half-sister Eloise's wedding!   She calls her brother, Paul (Ben Platt), who works at some sort of counseling center, to see if he got one.  Yep.  "But We're not going.  We hate her!"  

Scene 3: The siblings' Mom tries on clothes and plot-dumps on the sales clerk: Her husband is dead, so her romantic life is over (she'll find love by Act 2). Also, her kids aren't going to Eloise's wedding because they hate her.

Scene 4: At work, Alice gets summoned by the Boss (Jorma Taccone), to screw in the supply closet, followed by lunch.  Jonathan wonders if she just likes him for his money.  "Of course not.  I like you for your dick."  

Scene 5: Paul is out with a straight guy(Randall Park) and three femme, double-entendre-spouting gay guys (Greg Barnett, Karan Soni, Pedro Minas), who brag about the new guy they've added to their threesome. Wait -- they are already a threesome, aren't they?

Three guys doing gay stuff together!  Paul is sick of gay hypersexuality and flamboyance, so he hangs back to talk to the straight guy. So this Paul is straight, too? 

 Then they all go to see King Lear.  At the line "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!," Mom texts Paul, asking him to please come to the wedding. 

Scene 6:  Alice drops Boss off at his house, pretending to be an Uber driver so his wife doesn't get suspicious.  He wants a permanent relationship, so he's going to ask for a separation -- sometime.  Wife comes out of the house carrying a baby, making Alice feel guilty.

Scene 7:  Paul in bed with his boyfriend, discussing their disapproval of the three-way relationship. Wait -- he was one of the flamboyant three-way guys.  I'm confused.   

All they do is hug and chat, but I guess that's enough to make Paul canonically gay at Minute 14.

Paul explains why he hates his Mom: after his dad died, she threw out all of his stuff, and never mentioned him again.  Boyfriend talks him into the wedding anyway, because it's in London.  Ugh!  London is my least favorite city in Europe. I've visited 5 or 6 times, and never had a positive experience. 

Scene 8:  Alice watches her boss/boyfriend living a public life without her and decides to go to the wedding after all.  Then she goes into his office and slips off her underwear -- just as the housekeeper shows up.  Hey, the housekeeper is D'Arcy Carden, who starred with Kristen Bell in The Good Place!  I wonder who else from that show will appear.  Maybe Ted Danson?

Scene 9:   Paul at work.  He mentioned that he doesn't like scones, so the Boyfriend sent him a scone basket to be mean. Mom calls; he hangs up on her.  

Next, the Counseling Center boss, Dr. Goulding (Tony Goldwyn), found security-cam footage of him hugging a patient after an emotional breakthrough. Inappropriate!  A month of unpaid leave!  Now Paul has no choice but to go to the wedding. 

I'm bored.  I'll fast-forward to the good parts after the break

"The Other Two," Episode 1.6: Cary goes shirtless, Chase twerks, and there's enough bulges and butts for everyone

 

Link to NSFW version

The Other Two are the struggling, closeted actor Cary  (Drew Tarver, left) and his sister, failed dancer Brooke.  When their little brother Chase (Case Walker) suddenly becomes the pop sensation ChaseDreams, the Other Two are torn between jealousy, pride, and over-protectiveness: "You can't perform at the White House unless your math grades improve."

I prefer the first season, when the family dynamics take precedence, and we can see some genuine affection between the siblings and their teen idol brother.  In later seasons, delayed due to COVID, Chase is grown up and wacky, and eventually doesn't appear at all, as episodes concentrate on the stardom of the siblings and their Mom Pat.

I'm reviewing Episode 1.6, because of guest star Patrick Wilson, Prince Orm in the Aquaman series. There are two plotlines, featuring Cary/Mom and Brooke/Chase, so I'll review each separately.

Cary/Mom's Plot: Chase recently outed Cary with the music video "My Brother's Gay, and That's OK."  This led to an offer to play Shirtless Bartender on the real-life talk show Watch What Happens Live, hosted by Andy Cohen (playing himself)  

He complains that he doesn't have any lines; they just hired him for his looks.  "Big deal, you'll be seen, and you can meet the guest stars."  Who are they, anyway?  He looks it up: Patrick Wilson...and Mom Pat!  She'll be talking about her children's book based on Chase's rise to fame.  Uh-oh, being shirtless in front of his Mom!  

Plus he was cast without anyone asking him to take his shirt off.  What if he doesn't have the pecs for the job? 

The only gay guy on Earth who never works out, Cary drops into a gym and asks to "get jacked fast" for his Shirtless Bartender gig.   Um..it's going to take at least a year, buddy.  Turns out that the Receptionist (David Arquilla) has been the Shirtless Bartender, too; he's not an actor, but he has pecs.  Uh-oh.

We cut to Cary using the equipment wrong and getting sneered at by muscle studs. The staff will be happy to demonstrate. He wants to give up after one minute, but he can't leave and have the Receptionist see him, so he hides out in the locker room and runs into Lance  (Josh Segarra), his sister's on-off boyfriend.

Lance encourages Cary to pose, and gives him a self-actualization talk: "You are a sexy and beautiful man, thin but tight." 

We cut to filming Watch What Happens. Andy Cohen introduces Patrick Wilson as the star of Candy Land, and Pat Dubek, as mother of ChaseDreams -- "I'm obsessed with your son," he admits.  In a non-erotic way: unlike most teen idols, Chase has fans in every age group.  Nearly everyone the siblings meet gushes over him.

Next Andy introduces Pat's other son, the Shirtless Bartender, and asks: "What do you have for us tonight?"

Uh-oh, Cary didn't know that he would have to perform.  He doesn't have anything ready except an angsty monologue from Rosencranz and Guildenstern are Dead: "We are born with an intuition of mortality..."  Ulp, Andy meant what cocktail is he preparing.

As the interviews continue, Cary knows that he's supposed to just look hot and laugh at the guests' jokes, but he can't help interrupting with bits of his own.  Patrick takes pity on him and asks if he has any projects he would like to promote -- but he doesn't.  

Later they bond while waiting for the elevator.  Well, Cary thinks that they bond; Patrick is just trying to get rid of him.

My grade: I didn't feel the stakes, and Patrick suddenly withdrawing support seemed a little forced, but I liked seeing Cary shirtless for the entire scene. B+

Brooke/Chases Plot after the break

Gemstones Episode 3.3, Continued: A fire dance, a limp wrist, a phallic sword, and Balkan sex gods.

 This is the censored version of the review, with no nude photos or explicit sexual discussions.

  Link to the nude photos and explicit sexual discussions.

Cousins' Afternoon:  The Gemstone siblings and their partners sits on cabana chairs, insulting their cousins, the Montgomery boys,  while they swim in the trout pond.   Kelvin lays on the femme stereotyping, even flashing a limp wrist.  This will be important later.

Keefe, who of course looks at men's crotches a lot, points out that Cousin Karl has a lot of pubic hair.  Kelvin quips "Looks like he's got a chinchilla up there!"  It sounds like he is making a mean joke to draw attention away from his interest in what men really have up there.

The Fire Dance: For their entertainment, Keefe performs a highly erotic fire dance in the waning light, near a path lit by a thousand fires.  I am reminded of Coleridge's "Kublai Khan":

A savage place! as holy and enchanted as e’er beneath a waning moon was haunted by a man wailing for his demon lover.

Keefe here is the demon lover, pure erotic energy, offering his mouth, butt, and penis simultaneously. He is the new Messiah of Muscle, rejecting cozy, tepid phileo, friendship, for the eros, erotic desire, that promises ecstasy or damnation.

Top photo: the real Fire Dancer

Why would anyone perform a highly erotic dance for his boyfriend's family?  What does Keefe hope to accomplish?  I think he is showing the family -- and Kelvin himself -- that he is a sexual being, Kelvin's lover, not a "good buddy." 

Early in the episode, Kelvin couldn't admit that they were lovers. Now Demon Keefe shows him that they are.   He has never been sure if his desire for Keefe will lead him to heaven or hell.  Now he knows -- both. 

Background note: The dark, disturbing music playing is "Balkan Sex God" from A Serbian Film, 2010, which regularly appears on lists of "the most disturbing films of all time."  It features Srđan Todorović as a retired porn actor drawn into starring in a snuff film. 

Todorovic dick

Cousins' Evening:  A huge dining hall, with the family and cousins using just one table, Keefe and Kelvin sitting across from each other instead of side by side!  Why does the staging back off from depicting them as a couple?

Kelvin pours on the femme stereotypes thickly, limping his wrists constantly as if he's in a 1920s pansy act, and coincidentally or not puts his "wedding ring" on full display.

Uncle Baby Billy pretends he's the host of his Bible Bonkers game show, where families compete at Bible trivia. He goes around the table and asks  each of the "contestants" their name and what they do for a living.  The Montgomery boys work in landscaping.  Then it's Keefe's turn.  He is ready to speak, but Baby Billy skips him with a rude "nuh-huh," angering him.  But it's not a homophobic snub: Baby Billy skips over BJ, too: "You ain't family."  Only born Gemstones count. 

Next it's "the weirdo boy with the puffy muscles," the second and last reference to Kelvin's physique this season, and maybe a euphemism for "gay." But Kelvin refuses to participate. 

More Balkan sex gods after the break

"The Santa Clarita Diet": Witty dialogue, zombies, gross-out humor, and Skyler Gisondo

 

Someone on a fan board said that Skyler Gisondo's character on The Santa Clarita Diet, Eric Bemis, is gay, but after a glance at the fan wiki, I can't see how.  He has a will-they-or-won't-they romance going on with Abby, the daughter of the zombified Sheila Hammond,  that lasts through three seasons before becoming canonical in the series finale; plus he has sex with other women and  female zombies.  But I'm game, so I'll review the first episode. 

See the NSFW version of this review

Scene 1: Establishing shots of the stereotypic "idyllic" Santa Clarita. Heterosexual husband Joel (Timothy Olyphant) awakens and sniffs Sheila, signaling how aroused he is, but she only likes to do it in a romantic setting -- no "humping."  

Anyway, time for breakfast: toast and a green liquid. They have two different conversations without interacting with each other. Teenage daughter Abby enters and demands a car, because they live in the middle of "freakin' nowhere."  I know the feeling.

Suddenly Sheila keels over with sharp pain in her stomach.  Abby wants to know if she's dying, but she insists that it's food poisoning. 

Scene 2: As everyone leaves for the day, they run into snoopy heterosexual neighbor Dan (Ricardo Chavira, left), and his wife.  They want to know why the light in the study was on all night; didn't Dan and Sheila have sex?  No, Sheila couldn't sleep, if it's any of his business. 

Dan points out that he's in the L.A. Sheriff's Department, far superior to the "dickless" cops, like Rick (Richard T. Jones), who happens to be walking by with his wife and baby.  Geez, they are establishing that everyone is heterosexual at first introduction.  What are they afraid of?  

Dan calls Rick "honeybunch," suggesting that he is a woman because he has such a feminine job.  Being a cop is feminine?  Then: "Suck me!", an insult, because of course gay sex would be terribly humiliating.

The men all leave, while Dan's kid Eric (Skyler Gisondo), in his Mom's car, gazes wistfully at Abby.  Mom tell her, "He worships you.  You're the queen of his spank bank."  So much for Eric being gay. Wait -- did his mom just tell his crush that he masturbates while thinking about her?  How would she know?  Why would she think this information was important to share?

She then invites Sheila for a girl's night out which may or may not involve "banging dudes."  Sheila refuses.

Are we done introducing the heterosexual characters yet?  I'm getting bored.

Scene 3: Whoops, more players.  They're really piling on the cast: A realtor, Sheila runs afoul of her mean-tempered, sexually-harassing boss and Gary West (Nathan Fillion, left), her new coworker. "Sell the Peterson house!  Do it today!" 

Scene 4: Sheila and Joel showing the house to a heterosexual couple. Disgust alert: suddenly she throws up green gunk. Joel pushes the couple into continuing the tour, and Sheila goes to the bathroom to vomit.  

When the couple finally manages to leave, Joel checks: Sheila is unconscious in a bathroom splattered with green gunk.  No pulse: dead.  Joel hugs her and says "no" while grinning enthusiastically.  Now he can call off the hit man? But she awakens and feels fine.

Scene 5: They've been waiting at the Emergency Room for three hours, due to being low priority ("Your wife threw up."),  Joel gives up and drives Sheila home. She sniffs him.  Weird -- a lot of sniffing in this show.

Gary, their new coworker, appears with get-well flowers.  He called a cleaning crew to take care of the mess in the house.  Sheila thanks him; Joel is jealous and possessive.

When she leaves, Gary reveals that the homeowners disliked their house being vomited on, and fired Sheila and Joel. They will be working with him now.  Listing poaching -- the biggest sin in realty.

Scene 6:  Joel brings Sheila chicken soup in bed.  She wonders why she has no heartbeat. When he checks, she pushes him down into oral sex. But I thought she only liked sex in a romantic setting.  She's changing into...

Cut to Joel buying a stethoscope. He opens up about Sheila's physical and mental changes to the bored clerk. 

Back to Sheila.  No heartbeat.  She tries to push him into sex again, but he complains that his jaw is sore.  Wait -- I thought your jaw only got sore when you had to open wide to accommodate a guy.  Ladies don't have anything big.....never mind, I've thought about lady sex way more than I want to already. 

Scene 7: Daughter Abby tries out the stethoscope. No heartbeat, and Sheila's blood is black.  Also she wants to eat raw hamburger.  But she doesn't want to go to the hospital: she feels great, and they're having spectacular sex.  Well, if Joel is a bottom, I guess. Wait -- did she tell him this in front of their daughter?

Abby suggests that they consult a creeper -- a nerd who specializes in disturbing, gruesome stuff. 

Scene 8: Yep, its Eric, the next-door neighbor who masturbates while thinking of Abby.  He interviews her, hears about the spectacular sex, and concludes that she's undead ("zombie" is demeaning, so they agree not to use it), living totally in the moment, controlled by her id.   Just keep her fed, and realize that if she deteriorates, you will probably have to kill her.

On the way home, Sheila is enthusing over the sky and flowers and a snail, when macho, sexist Sheriff Dan drives up.  Eat him first!  He's a jerk!  He wants to know why they were visiting his teenage son (reasonable). 

Joel: "Um...um...we found a football in our yard, and thought it might be his."

Dan: "That pussy pansy little feminine girly boy?  No way!"  I may have added a few adjectives, but you get the idea. He's macho.  

Scene 9:  Joel wants to discuss how to keep the Zombie Secret.  What if Eric blabs?  "No -- he hates his stepfather."  With good reason. 

Sheila interrupts his planning with "I'm hungry!" (Pure id, remember?)  Joel promises to get her something.  Is there a butcher shop nearby? Or a fraternity house?

Scene 10: While Joel is out buying hamburger, Sheila and Abby test-drive a Range Rover, driving way too fast while the dealer cringes. Then she decides to take up the offer of a girl's night out (Remember Scene 2?).  Sheila praises everything.

Ulp, Gary (her new co-worker) is giving her the eye.  The girls get up to dance together, with Gary still staring.  Why doesn't he go over and say hello? Just staring is pervy.

Joel appears to drag her away.  Gary gets the wrong idea and rushes to the rescue: "She doesn't want to go with you." Macho posturing, chest butts, but Joel leaves, and Gary grabs on Sheila.

Scene 11:  The next day, Sheila is gardening when Gary drops by to see why she refused sex with him last night.  "I had a lot on my mind."  He tries to force her, so she pretends to acquiesce (grossness alert -- she licks his fingers! Yuck!), then bites his fingers off.  kills and eats him. He's a jerk,too, but I was really hoping to see Dan offed.

Joel returns to see Sheila bent over Gary's body, with all his entrails out. "I really want to make this work!" she exclaims. 

Beefcake: A little of Gary's chest as she pulls his shirt open to eat his guts.  These butt photos are from other projects.

Gay Characters: Not a one.  Every single person is identified as heterosexual from the get-go, either through having a partner or making sleazy innuendos. Eventually we discover that next-door-neighbor Lisa is bisexual, and dating sheriff's deputy Anne.  Plus Liv Hewson (Abby) is gay and nonbinary in real life, but a cisgender woman on the show.  Doesn't help.

Left: Matt Shively, who appears in three episodes. He played the gay son on The Real O'Neals, but is straight in real life.

Heterosexism: Yep.

Grossness:  The finger-licking was too disgusting for words.  There's also a lot of vomiting, entrails, and blood.

My Grade: The dialogue is actually very funny, but the lack of gay representation and the grossness are too much of a turn-off for regular viewing.  D

The NSFW version of this review on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends contains at least three rear nude shots of the cast members.

"Bloodhounds": Strong Gay Subtext among Korean Boxers

 Gay subtexts occur when two guys not specifically identified as gay through statements or displays of affection have a relationship that is exclusive (no significant interest in women), domestic (living together), emotionally intense, and permanent (they stay together at the end of the adventure).  Platonic pals could have a similar relationship, of course: that's why it's called a subtext rather than a text.  A casual glance at the Korean action-adventure series Bloodhounds revealed a lot of gay subtext potential, so here goes:

Scene 1: Innocent-looking Geon-Wu (Woo Doh-Hwan, left) and rowdy-looking Woo-Jin (Lee Sang-Yi, below) practicing boxing in separate empty gyms. Later, on a bus, Geon-Wu intervenes when a passenger refuses to wear a mask and starts assaulting the driver. 

He goes home to find his mother begging creditors for more time to pay, and leaves to avoid embarrassing her.

Scene 2: Some suit guys discussing how COVID is threatening their hotel business. Loan shark Kim Myeung-Gil (Park Sung-Wong) passes out his business card to everyone. 

Scene 3: The Rookie of the Year Tournament, in a giant stadium (empty due to COVID).  Rowdy-looking Woo Jin (left), who specializes in weird noises, Maori haka-dancing, and punching himself in the groin, beats two opponents.   

Geon-woo beats his opponent, then rushes to see if he is ok (a really nice guy, apparently).  

Next the guys fight each other.  Rowdy Woo Jin loses, and is devastated.  How could this by-the-books upstart beat him?  He is dishonored forever.

Scene 4:  Geon-woo waits for Rowdy Woo Jin outside the locker room, and invites him to dinner.  "Why, to rub it in?  You won, now get lost!"  But he consents.

Dinner consists of ten minutes of flirting, being way over-impressed by each other's back stories, and figuring out ways to touch each other.   The sexual tension is intense, but the conversation is boring.  

The only statement of interest is when Woo Jin reminisces about being in the marines.  He loved "taking showers together...soaping each other up..."  Geon Woo, surprised, says "So you're...."  Woo Jin: "Of course not!  I was just messing with you."

Scene 5:  They walk to the bus stop very slowly, each trying to figure out how to get the other into the bedroom; instead, Woo Jin just asks for a second date.  They discuss the loan sharks who are exploiting everyone, now that COVID is making everyone lose their businesses.  Like Geon-woo's mother, who can't make the rent on her coffee shop.  

Scene 6: Mom on the phone to her creditors. Geon-woo comes in, all excited over the money he won today, and the cute guy he met, not in that order.  But Mom won't take the money to cover the rent: it would be dishonorable.  

Cut to the loan shark crew going from business to business, grinning hungrily as the owners sign the papers.

Scene 7:  Geon-woo's gym is closed due to a COVID exposure!  But his coach tells him to take a week off anyway, and rest after his big tournament.  So he calls Woo Jin.  So early in the morning? If you're too over-eager, you'll scare him off.  "I'm sleeping!"  Woo Jin tells him. "But I'm bored.  Let's hang out."  "So clingy! Ok, you can come over and sleep with me."  

On the way to Woo-Jin's house, Geon-woo stumbles upon a guy getting beat up.  He chases the assailant, who fights back with a taser.  "Who sent you?" the guy wants to know.  "No one -- I just wanted to help."  The guy lets him go.

Cut to a lady trying to pay back an old guy in a library for the loan that allowed her to get her daughter some life-saving surgery.  He refuses: pay off your urgent debts first.  Is this a comparison of "nice" loan guys with evil loan sharks?  When she leaves, he takes out his ledge and cancels the loan.

Scene 8: The assailant, who turns out to be a girl, returns to headquarters and reports that the client didn't have any money, so she took his gold watch instead.  Gasp -- she worksfor the nice library guy, her Grandpa!  "But the watch is worth 20 million won, and I only loaned him 10 million!" Grandpa exclaims, demonstrating his honesty.  

They discuss the evil loan shark gang.  Granddaughter wants to do some recon, but Grandpa thinks it's too dangerous.

Scene 9:  The guys having breakfast, discussing boxing, and finding new ways to touch each other. They end up wrestling or hugging or something, and chase each other off-camera, where presumably they are kissing. 

Cut to the wealthy Mr. Park celebrating his birthday with dinner and a show: can Kang in-beom (Tae won-suk) smash a watermelon with his bare hands?  He can.  His gift is some golden turtles worth billions of won, and so clean that no one will know they are stolen.  

Scene 10: Kang in-beom also works for the loan sharks: he is tasked with taking fifteen goons and smashing the storefronts of business owners who aren't paying up, including Mom!  

 She calls Geon-woo for help.  He jumps out of Woo-Jin's bed, runs home, and fights the goons.  After he finishes clobbering them, head loan shark Myeung Gil shows up to explain the loan agreement and send in Kang in-beom, who bashes him repeatedly with his head, strangles him, and squeezes him into unconsciousness.  Myeung Gil then slashes his cheek while "laughing sinisterly" according to the subtitles.  The End.

Beefcake: The guys box shirtless.

Gay Subtext:  I went through a couple of episodes on fast-forward. By Episode 3, they're all living with the friendly librarian.  They always appear as a pair.  Neither ever expresses any interest in a girl.  And at the end of the adventure, they (and Mom) go home together.  

That's every characteristic of a gay subtext.  It's almost text, except there are no overtly romantic displays of affection, like holding hands, kissing, or having sex, and the lack of expressed interest in women is not unusual in Korean dramas.  

Dad/son actors James and Kelton Dumont: Their hunky costars and hung heartthrobs

 

Father and son James and Kelton Dumont have appeared together in Mosaic, the short Laugh along the Way, and The Righteous Gemstones, where they both have nude scenes (not togethe), probably making them the only father and son in tv history to display their stuff in the same series.

Link to NSFW version

I've already posted several photo collections of the guys, including nude and beefcake photos, so instead of looking for more, I'll be checking out the physiques and penises of their costars. 

James plays a sheriff in an episode of Black Bird, 2022, a crime drama based on the autobiography of James Killeen.  Joey Bicicchi, top photo, plays a lifer whom Jimmy meets in prison.

The First Lady, 2022, features fictionalized adventures of U.S. First Ladies Michelle Obama, Betty Ford, and Eleanor Roosevelt.  James plays the manager at Herpolsheimer's, the department store where the young Betty Bloomer, soon to be Betty Ford, gets a job.  Jake Picking is the young Gerald Ford.

I figured that City on the Hill, 2021, would be about Puritans, since John Winthrop, who led the first Puritan colonists to the New World, planned to build a "City on the Hill," a model of godliness.  No, it's about corruption in the criminal justice system in Boston in the 1990s. 

 James plays Randy Finch in two episodes, but we also see the legendary Kevin Bacon as focus character Jackie Rohr.

James plays Thomas Wallace on an episode of Blue Bloods, 2020, starringTom Selleck, the Castro Clone- stach and short-shorts wearing heartthrob of the 1980s, as the patriarch of a family of police officers. 

Kelton's costars next. Note: he did not appear in nude scenes with any of them.

"It's Always Sunny," Episode 7.10: Mac gets fat, Charlie refuses sex, and Michael O'Hearn flexes. With bonus Sunny butts

Looking for Michael O'Hearn muscle, I found an appearance in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Episode 7.10 (2011).  It's been on for like a century, so you've probably seen it: four sociopathic pals and their anti-father figure run a sleazy, always-deserted bar in Philadelphia, where they argue, fight, scheme against each other, and work together on elaborate money-making scams

Dennis (Glen Howerton, right), the bartender, prides himself on his attractiveness. .

His sister Dee (Kaitlyn Olson), the bar's waitress, fancies herself an actress.

Mac (Rob McElhenney, left), the bouncer, is obsessed with muscles, and rather homophobic.  He gets a lot of "is he or isn't he?" jokes, until he finally comes out, then goes back in, and comes out again.

Frank (Danny DeVito, the moon), Dennis and Dee's rich con-artist sort-of-father, bankrolls the schemes.

He and Charlie (Charlie Day, center), the bar's janitor, live together, share a bed, and get a lot of "are they or aren't they?" jokes, but it's also hinted that Frank is Charlie's biological father, not his boyfriend.

Link to NSFW version

Scene 1: Mac is in a Catholic confession booth (where you confess your sins to the priest, who gives you a penance to perform).  His confession: he's fat. Not a sin, dude.

Scene 2: Next Mac asks the priest to have God smite his enemies...um, friends...well, friends who want to destroy him.  Not what confession is for, dude. He explains: they became wildly successful, which made them monsters (um...they've been monsters since Season 1), which made them want Mac to be fat. Confused?

Flashback:  Frank, the anti-father, returns from a trip to sell illegal fireworks in North Carolina to find the bar packed.  What happened?  Mac thinks that they just "tipped": if you make the right decisions long enough, eventually things tip in your favor.  Charlie thinks it's his cleaning, Dee her jokes, Dennis his hotness.  They don't know which it is, so they have to continue doing everything.

Scene 3: In bed that night, Charlie just wants to go to sleep so he can work tomorrow, but Frank wants to blow up a lamb with his remaining fireworks.  They argue until Charlie makes a barrier between them, so they can't have sex, which hurts Frank's feelings.  Mac calls and invites them to go on a rager, but they can't because they're fighting.

Scene 4: The next day, Dennis won't come out of the bathroom, so Charlie has to bartend, which he's not qualified for. Meanwhile, Dee tries to be funny, ignoring customers' orders to tell lame half-jokes and berating them when they don't laugh, and Mac comes late in after a rager involving three bottles of champaign and a stray dog. Everything is in chaos. 

They all go into the bathroom to see what's wrong with Dennis: he found a couple of gray hairs and tried to eradicate them, ending with a terrible haircut.  He's afraid to be seen in public. 

Scene 5: After bartending all night, Charlie is exhausted; plus he hasn't had time to clean. Frank has come up with a new prank: four stop signs at an intersection, so no one can move, har har. Charlie points out that he built a four-way stop, actually making the neighborhood safer. "Ok, then, why don't we go around and hit people with sticks?"  Charlie doesn't want to do that, either. Not the best ideas for Date Night, buddy.

Scene 6: Mac is planning places to avoid when he sails around the world with the profits from their new successful bar.  He'll avoid Africa -- too poor, the Middle East -- too hot, and well, everywhere.  Meanwhile, Dennis applied a chemical peel to his face, and now looks disfigured, so he can't be attractive anymore. 

Dee suggests hiring  replacements, or avatars, to dp all the dirty work, so they can concentrate on being attractive, funny, and successful.  Of course the avatars have to look like the gang.

 Scene 7: Mac and Dee interview Michael O'Hearn as a potential avatar.  Dee thinks he'd be good playing Dennis, the attractive bartender, but Mac wants him for himself, the buffed bouncer.  Of course, he needs to put on some bulk so he'll look exactly like O'Hearn.  

More after the break

Ricardo Gomez: Three gay roles, a gay actor, and some frontal nudity, but is there anything to watch?

 Link to NSFW version

While researching that other Brandon Johnson, I came across Ricardo Gómez kissing a guy. Plus he had a lot of nude photos online.  So I went through his work on the IMDB to find something available in the U.S., with gay content, and not awful.

His first work available in the U.S. is the tv series Unauthorized Living, Spanish Vivir sin permiso, 2018. A drug lord with a respectable businessman facade is diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, and has to decide which of his kids will take over the business before everything goes dark.  Nope.

Bringing Him Back, Spanish Mia & Moi, 2021.  The IMDB synopsis says that the siblings Moi and Mia move to the countryside after their mother dies, but the TLA synopsis says that Moi brings his boyfriend home to meet his sister.  Looks like somebody wanted the movie closeted. 

But "a deeply affecting film about love, loss, and human connection"?  Nope.  I don't care if we do see sister's boyfriend Joe Manjon's man-jon.  And his man-rear.  And Ricardo's bulge.

More the Merrier, Spanish Donde caben dos, 2021: "A diverse group of people share a night of sexual self-discovery." A comedy con final feliz -- a happy ending. 

The trailer shows a lot of people being shocked by two girls kissing and an old guy in his underwear. Also a man licks a shoe, a man puts his hand on his buddy's chest but is rebuffed, a guy puts his dong through a glory-hole but doesn't get any action, and there's a jockstrap band. In the only gay male relationship in the movie, Ricardo kisses Alvero Cervantes, who has a nude frontal scene in another movie.  Not here.

Maybe.

Wait -- no frontal nudity.  Never mind.

The House among the Cactuses, 2022: A mysterious stranger disrupts the lives of a cactus-growing family consisting of a husband, a wife, and five daughters. Is this a lengthy "farmer's daughter" joke? 

No: according to the trailer, the girls are all young. The mysterious stranger hits on the wife.  Nope.

Romancero, 2023: A girl-vampire saves a boy  Jordán (Sasha Cocola), from his abusive father by killing him.  They have to run from an angry mob, including disgruntled cops Guillermo Toledo and Ricardo, who don't have a buddy-bond: they hate each other. Plus they're both aggressively heterosexual -- we see Ricardo's butt as he sexes a lady -- and they both die.  

What about the kids? I think Sasha Cocola is gay because he models mesh Goth shirts, but his character is heterosexual.  He dies,  and the girl revives him so they can pursue their preteen romance forever. 

Nope. Sometimes it takes more than beefcake and boyfriends.

The frontal and rear nude photos are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Searching for Brandon Johnston through twins, Elves, fitness instructors, various naked guys, and the Mayor of Chicago

  

Link to NSFW version

I've been going through the posts on the RG Beefcake and Boyfriends site, trying to make them appeal to a general audience. I did it with Dylan B., and I couldn't even use his last name.  But Brandon Johnston turned out to be a problem: 

1. The original post called him  "Johnson."

2. It records his roles rather than titles of his projects: Elf Photo Clerk,  Valet, College Student 2, Audience Member, Golf Caddie Twin, and Genius Clone.  

A search for "Brandon Johnson" on the IMDB yielded this guy, known for Ingrid Goes West and Rick and Morty.  He's middle-aged and black.  My Brandon is young and white.

Although I wouldn't mind researching this Brandon next.

Googling revealed Brandon Johnson, the mayor of Chicago.  Probably not the same guy.

"Brandon Johnston"?  Nothing.

Searching on Facebook yielded 16,000 Brandon Johnsons/ Johnstons, including this fitness coach from Ogden Utah.  

How about "Brandon Johnson/Johnston" and "nude"?  Warning: the first hit is a big-breasted naked lady. 

The second is Bryce Johnston, who must be famous for something, since "Naked Celebrity" websites gushed over a video of him skinny-dipping, showing his butt and a very blurry dick.

But when I googled "Bryce Johnston," all I found was the owner of the Philadelphia Eagles and the heavily tattooed Father Midnight.

The original post also mentions that Brandon Johnson/Johnston is interested in gay Hollywood History. 
"His Instagram videos tell the stories of many LGBTQ pioneers in the industry, such as Dorthy Arzner, William Haines, and James Whale."

More Brandon, probably, after the break

Some Bunny Ears and Easter Baskets

How did bunnies become associated with the solemn religious holiday of Easter?  There's speculation that the rabbit was an ancient symbol of fertility, the companion of the Goddess Ostara (from whom we get the name Easter).  But there's no direct evidence.  And how did an ancient Germanic goddess last through the centuries, becoming a story of a hare who lays eggs that German immigrants brought to America in the 18th century?

By the early 20th century, there was enough bunny and egg paraphernalia to transform Easter into a bona fide secular holiday,  celebrated without any Christian beliefs.  Giving us the opportunity to see countless men dressed as bunnies.

An Easter Bunny costume is easy to make.  You just need two floppy ears coming out of your head. 

Paws and crotches optional.

They can be made of any material you like.  Color coordination is not necessary.

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Sorry, a full rabbit head is creepy.












More bunnies after the break