The Top Five Buffed Big Brothers of Nuclear Family Sitcoms

 Ever since Tony Dow started flexing as the hunky big brother on Leave It to Beaver (1957-63), nuclear family sitcoms have been juxtaposing shy, weird, un-athletic, intellectual, or otherwise outsider boys and their popular, athletic, muscular, and often dimwitted older brothers.  Sometimes Big Brother is deliberately cast with a bicep boy, but more often it happens organically, as little brother hits the books and big brother hits the gym.  A few recent examples come to mind. Oddly, they are all in gay-free or gay-skittish shows.  I wonder if there is a connection.

1. Malcolm in the Middle (2000-2006). Malcolm is a beset-upon genius with two older and a younger brother. Bully Reese (Justin Berfield) turned into a veritable bodybuilder with a strong gay subtext before the showrunners got scared and turned him straight.

 

2. Everybody Hates Chris (2005-2009). Drew (Tequan Richmond) was so beautiful that everyone, not just teenagers, dissolved into a slurry of hormones when he smiled at them.  Women only, I think: this show was extremely skittish about the g-word.

3. The Middle (2009-2018): Axl Heck (Charlie McDermott) hung around the house in his underwear all the time.  This was supposed to be a weird quirk, not a turn-on.  They didn't know the audience very well, did they? I don't remember if he liked girls or not; I was too busy looking at his "happy trail" to pay attention to the plots. (Except for the one where the sister's friend wants to come out, but doesn't get to say the g-word.)

4. The Goldbergs (2013-2023): Barry (Troy Gentile), wrestler and all-around hunk paired with the shy intellectual boy in a gay-free 1980s.

5. Young Sheldon (2017-).  Georgie Cooper (Montana Jordan) is all brawn to Sheldon's brains in a gay-free 1990s.  Unfortunately, they abandoned the muscle-building plotline to concentrate on Georgie as a teen dad.

Eastbound & Down: The water park and cocaine party episode, with some naked guys

I haven't done a review for a few weeks -- busy with work assignments, and besides, not much out there that seems promising.  But I reviewed the first episode of Eastbound & Down a long time ago, so let's see if foul-mouthed, homophobic washed-up baseball player Kenny Powers gets any character development.  I'm reviewing Episode 4.3, because it takes place in a water park.

Scene 1: The washed-up baseball player now has a wife and a boyfriend, Stevie, played by Steve Little.  They praise him for "killing it" in an interview to become a tv sports commentator.  Stevie makes a vulgar comment about the wife's vagina, which makes Kenny angry, but Stevie thinks he's over-reacting.  He's just very excited.  He eagerly punches a car window, and screams in agony at his now-broken hand. 

The wife goes home so Kenny can take care of the mess.

Scene 2: Breakfast. Even though this is only Season 4, Kenny has two five-year old kids.  He tells them that, due to his newfound showbiz fame, they're going to be rich.  He has gifts: a candle for mom, a backpack for the girl, a growling wolf for the boy: "A strong male role model, so he doesn't turn out weird." Presumably he means "gay."   Um...how about a puppy?

Scene 3: Kenny and Boyfriend Stevie arrive for his first day at his tv star job.  They brought gift baskets for the Star (Ken Marino).

Star: "Who's this handsome dude?  Is it your fuck buddy?"

Boyfriend: "I wish!"

Ok, so they're not boyfriends. A gay friend who is openly in love with Kenny, who doesn't mind because he likes the attention? This means that he's not homophobic, anyway.

Scene 4: Kenny bursts into his brother's house wearing a stocking, claiming that "ths is a home invasion."  They don't believe him.  His nephew Wayne (Bo Mitchell) is being photographed in graduation robes, but he's just getting a GED.   Kenny criticizes him for it, then gets down to business: the family is estranged, so he wants to buy their love with tickets to the Congo Canyon Resort.

They don't think he's really changed, so he rescinds the invitation: "The only people who get to get wet are people who are nice to me." 

Scene 5: Kenny bought a robot.  Wife thinks he should take it slow, but he talks her into going to the water park.

Scene 6: At the water park. No beefcake except a little of Stevie.  He looks at five preteen kids and says "Look at my family, so smiling and loyal.  They love me so much."  He has kids?  I thought he was gay, and in love with Kenny?

He passes out drinks to the gang, saying "Celebrate, don't masturbate."  Then a toast, to the new tv star, "The love of my life, Kenny Powers."  Why does he keep saying things like this?  

Kenny complains that Tel wore a speedo (obscured closeup, no bulge).  "Tel" isn't in the IMDB.  A fan blog lists a Dontel, played by Omar J. Dorsey, but Omar is tall and black, and this guy is short and Hispanic.

The ladies start to get drunk, and wonder who's looking after the kids.  Kenny points out that the water is only ankle deep; if they drown in that, they deserve to die.  Everyone is horrified.

Scene 7: Montage of several boy-girl massages, girls in bikinis in the pool, a girl in a bikini smiling seductively at Kenny, a fat guy going down a water slide. closeup of boobs, another closeup of boobs.  

More after the break

Picco: A lot of male nudity among the brutal, homophobic inmates of a German youth prison

Link to the male nudity

Someone recommended the German psychological horror movie Picco, about the inmates at a juvenile detention center  -- "lots of naked bodies on display."  There's bound to be some buddy-bonding, and maybe some homoerotic relations, right? 

Wikipedia says that it features a "troubled young man" named Jakub, who becomes enmeshed in a "harsh social hierarchy" and "the brutal realities of life behind bars."  That's like every prison movie ever made.

The IMDB doesn't mention a Jakob.  Here it's Kevin, a new boy in the prison, played by Constantine Jascheroff, who may be in the top photo -- one website says that it's Constantine, and another, that it's Martin Kiefer.  Anyway, he has to deal with three surthly, belligerant, homophobic cellmates. The Variety review names them:

1. The psycho-violent Marc, played by Frederick Lau. This is from another movie.

2. His belligerant crony, Andy, played by Martin Kiefer

3. The weak, sensitive Tommy, played by Joel Basman.  I don't know why everyone in a German movie has an English name.

They brutalize Kevin, over and over, until he eventually realizes that he can acquire social capital by helping them brutalize the weaker  boys.

They devise a plan to torture the weakest boy, either Tommy or someone unspecified, so brutally that he will commit suicide to escape.  The torture is apparently relentless. The Hollywood Reporter states that : "Many walkouts occurred during the Cannes screening I attended, and one Frenchman angrily shouted out as he left, “they might as well show scenes of torture from Auschwitz!” and others seemed to agree."

Buddy bonding: Not likely.  The boy interact only to insult each other, discuss the girls they would like to rape, and gang up on someone they want to brutalize.

Left Aram Arami, playing Miguel.

 Gay characters?  No. The boys talk about heterosexual sex all the time, and call each other homophobic slurs, although none is actually gay. 

So two hours of homophobic torture porn.

Why is male nudity common only when the guy is about to have sex with a lady, or being brutalized?  

The person who recommended Picco must be from Germany.  It's not available for streaming in the U.S., except on the JustDial website.

Most of the cast is nude on RG Beefcake and Bonding

See also: Bumper in Berlin Episode 1.3: Bumper saves the day by doing everything wrong

Hannah Montana and the Real Daniel Booko

Hannah Montana (2006-2011) was very good at gay subtexts, like many teencoms on the Disney Channel (check out Wizards of Waverly Place or Even Stevens).  And very good at beefcake.  So I wasn't surprised at the episode where everyone wonders why Hannah is always hanging out with Jackson (Jason Earles, who went on to play the gay-vague Rudy on Kickin' It).

He's actually the brother of her alter ego Miley Stuart, but admitting that would give the secret away, so they pretend to be dating.  Jackson goes on a talk show and proclaims “I love Hannah!” while jumping on a couch, parodying Tom Cruise’s well-publicized exploit on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and inviting parallel speculation about his sexual identity.  He then fuels speculation by admitting that he can't continue the charade anymore; he loves Hannah “like a sister.”

And I wasn't surprised when Jackson got a boyfriend.  "Hanging out" with Hannah after one of her concerts, Jackson meets Stavros (Daniel Booko), who loves another female celebrity "like a sister."  Stavros leers at him, says “awesome” in appreciation of his beauty, and bluntly asks him out.  A subsequent montage shows the boys delighted in each other’s company and ignoring the pop star Hannah.  But Stavros turns out to be shallow, and drops Jackson when a better opportunity arises.

But I was surprised that Stavros never took his shirt off -- unusual for a guest star on Hannah Montana.  I soon found out why.  If Stavros displayed this physique while aggressively courting Jackson, if Jackson got a silly grin on his face while gazing at this physique, the subtext would become text, it would be impossible to hide the attraction under the guise of friendship.

Daniel Booko, a minister's son from Three Rivers, Michigan,  played the friend of Maddie's boyfriend on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, a dumb lunk hired to take his shirt off on ICarly, and a champion skater on Kickin' It.  

Outside of the teencom circuit, he has an impressive range of projects, from teen sex comedy to horror to adventure, most recently in the Jersey Shore spoof Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012) and Christmas Wedding Date (2012).  Surprisingly, his characters almost never gets the girl.

But he did get a boy, playing a gay character on The O.C. 

No word on whether he's gay or a gay ally in real life, but he talks about the kind of girls he likes in an interview.

Tony Cavalero's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: A leather jockstrap, an isolation tank, the sausage god, and honeymoon with the hubbie

  

Link to the nude photos

This is a collection of hot or humorous photos of Tony Cavalero, best known as Dewey on The School of Rock,  Ozzie Ozbourne in Dirt, and Keefe on The Righteous Gemstones, with a few of his friends.

1. "Wait -- if I'm supposed to be advertising this ball pouch why do you want me to take it off?"

2. When Tony dates other guys, they ski down blue-diamond mountains, ride bikes around the Hollywood Sign, and hang-glide off cliffs.  When he dates Skyler, they go shopping.  

3. Dude, they used that isolation tank for one scene.  You don't need to continue using it, unless you have a mummification kink.

4. Ok then, carry on.

5. How did you get that portable sauna zipped up?

6. When you can't take a cold plunge after your sauna, roll around in the snow instead.

More Tony after the break