Jul 19, 2019

Is Dora the Explorer's City of Gold Worth Exploring?

Dora the Explorer (2000-2015) was a Nickelodeon cartoon series aimed at preschoolers, starring an 8-year old girl who had adventures in a Latin American jungle.  I never watched  -- preschool-oriented, and besides, the rhyme irks me: "explorer" is pronounced "explorer," not "explorah."

But I understand that it has become quite a media empire, broadcast in 35 languages (including Irish and Maori, even though all of the speakers are bilingual in English), spun off into toys, books, games, videos, and a series starring Dora's cousin Diego (2005-2011).  And now a live-action movie, Dora the Explorer and the City of Gold, with Dora as a teenager (played by 18-year old Isabel Moner, far right).

Wait -- a teenager?  What audience are they trying to reach with fart jokes and hetero-horniness?  Preschoolers who are still watching the show?  Young adults who grew up with Dora?  Teen idol fans?

Let's see if there are any teen idols or beefcake actors in the cast.

The top photo suggests that  Dora goes explorah-ing with three guy friends and an adult guide.  From the right, they are:

1. Jeffrey Wahlberg as Cousin Diego.  Even though he's the son of former underwear model Mark Wahlberg, I can't find any shirtless shots.

2. Nicholas Coombe, "va new face in the entertainment industry," as Randy.  According to his instagram, Nicholas is a "part-time actor, full time iced mocha connoisseur," and he has a girlfriend.

This is as close as I could find to a shirtless shot, Nicholas made up to be killed in the Australian zombie movie Infected Paradise.

3. Madeleine Madden as Sammy.  Madeleine seems to identify as  a woman, but Sammy is a boy's name and the character looks like a boy.  Maybe they're nonbinary.

4. No other potential teen idols except, down near the end of the cast list, Joey Vieira as Nico.  His favorite acting job so far has been an episode of The Simpsons.  When I search for shirtless or nude pics, all that comes up is his namesake, the Joey Vieira who played the sidekick on Lassie in the 1960s, and a female bodybuilder.

That's it, unless you look way down in the cast list for the Australian actors cast in "blink and you miss it" scenes:
Jace Fleming as Mean Kid
Lachlan Winters as High School Kid
Cameron Jackson as High School Student #23.

Well, maybe there are some adult beefcake actors?






5.  The adult guide, Alejandro, is played by Eugeno Derbez.  He's known for a lot of Mexican tv, Aztec Warrior (which is not about an Aztec), Geostorm, Overboard, and How to Be a Latin Lover.  Nice hairy chest, stupid expression.















6. Michael Peña with a beard play Dora's Dad.  You can also see him or hear him in Narcos, My Little Pony, Family Guy, and CHIPS (the remake; he plays Ponch, but never takes off his shirt).






7. Kiwi actor Temuera Morrison, as Powell, who I'm guessing is a baddie.  He's been in Star Wars, Aquaman, and other superhero movies, as well as Tatau (2015), a supernatural murder miniseries set in the Cook Islands.

We'll have to wait to see if there are any gay subtexts, but so far it looks like Dora the Explorah is a dud.








Jul 17, 2019

Hale Lytle: Beefcake and Buddy Bonding at Age 18

18-year old indie actor Hale Lytle has four traits that warrant fandom:

  • An androgynous, glam appearance
  • 35 photos on imdb, a third of which involve someone with his shirt off
  •  7 movie and tv credits, every one of which is about a same-sex relationship
  • And every one of which displays the physique of Hale or a buffed costar, or both.


1. Hale made his acting debut in the Sundance Award-winning short Henley, about a young young road-kill entrepreneur.  I haven't been able to find a streaming version.





2. The short Weasel (2013) is about "man, boy, and rope."  Hale plays the Boy, and Michael Joseph Robinson (left) plays the Man.  











3. Fort Apache (2013) is not related to the cop drama Fort Apache: The Bronx.  It's a coming of age story set in 1941, when a Boy must decide whether to "follow his brother down a path of violence and destruction" or leave town.

Brother is played by Josh Salatin, seen here taking off his shirt in order to have sex with a girl.  That must be the path of destruction.  Leave town, kid.



4. Hale's first full length movie, Young Bodies Heal Quickly (2014) has a weird surreal plot.  Older Brother (Gabriel Croft, left) on the run from some sort of institution,  grabs Younger Brother (Hale, who already has his androgynous look down).

While raising a ruckus, they go too far, accidentally killing a girl that they are harassing, and light out for the territory.




5. In the short Killer (2016), Dusty (Hale) discovers that anyone he looks at while masturbating dies.  He uses his newfound power to get even with the school bully.











6. In a change of pace from the indie films, Hale next guest-starred in the "Demon's Lair" episode (2016) of The Haunting (a series that recreates real paranormal experiences): A family gets a Catholic priest to exorcise a malevolent demon from their house.

Hale plays the teenage son David, who here comes down to breakfast shirtless so everyone can examine the demon claw marks on his back.


7. In the surreal indie film Don't Come Back from the Moon (2017), all of the fathers in town abandon their families, and the mothers left behind are utterly incompetent at raisng kids alone.  Neglected and abandoned, the kids turn to drinking, crime, and sex.

I haven't actually seen it, but according to the trailer, Jeffrey Wahlberg (Marky Mark's son) kisses a girl with his shirt off about 300 times.  Hale's character, Mark Mark Junior's cousin, meanwhile channels his rage into raising a wild parrot.

That's it except for some projects in post-production.  I can't wait to see what  Hale will come up with now that he's old for his same-sex relationships to have gay subtexts. 

Jul 16, 2019

Freddie from ICarly Finally Shows Us His Chest

Remember Freddie, the nerdish video engineer on Nickelodeon's ICarly (2007-12)?  It had some rather homophobic scenes, including a queer-coded Big Bad, but at least Carly and Sam had a gay subtext relationship, big brother Stuart was obviously bisexual, and Freddie was cute.

Then actor Nathan Kress started to bulk up.

Fans waited patiently for some shirtless shots, if not on the show, then on Instagram, Facebook, Myspace, Snapchat...anywhere?  On the beach?  Demonstrating your workout?  Taking a selfie?

Nothing.  Nathan never even wore a sleeveless shirt.

Did he think muscles were incongruous with Freddie's nerd image?  Or as a fundamentalist Christian, was he worried about his body sparking lustful thoughts in teenage fans?

Who knows?  Physique aficionados eventually gave up on him, and moved on to guys who weren't so stingy with muscle displays.

Well, it's been six years since ICarly ended,  and Nathan is 26 years old, still buffed, still fundamentalist, only now with a beard, wife, and kid (I mean an actual beard).

He's done guest shots on other Nickelodeon shows, some voice work, some directing, and some acting.  His major projects include disaster (Into the Storm), horror (Tell Me How I Die), something about teen dancers (Breaking Brooklyn),  and a web comedy about an Apocalypse that didn't happen (Alive in Denver).

His new show, RadioActive Dads, will premiere on July 24th.

He's still shy about displaying his physique, but there are two shirtless shots amid the hundreds on his Instagram site.  Both taken at the same time.

Here he seems to be saying, "Ok, fine, here I am with my shirt off.  Happy?"













Not really.  I mean, you're hot and all, but was it worth all the secrecy? What's the big deal? Everybody has a chest.

See also: ICarly


Jul 15, 2019

Summertime Car Washes

One of the joys of summer is the car wash fundraiser.  Check your local event calendar, and you'll find one or two per week: a club, class, team, or church group is raising money by washing cars.

The attraction, of course, is that they're washing with their shirts off, allowing you to gawk at their spectacular physiques.

They know it.  They plan on it.  It's the one time in the Straight World where everyone acknowledges the existence of same sex desire.



Well, not really.  Everyone is supposed to pretend that it's all about the cars.

A lot of the car wash fundraisers feature women instead of men, so you have to be careful.  Is it a male team or club?  Is it being advertised by men?  Especially men who wrap the signs around their waists, implying that they are naked.

You also have to worry about the age of the guys.  They are typically in high school or college, but occasionally younger groups host car washes.  No point in gawking at a group of 12 year olds.




If you're lucky, they'll be even older than college age.










I stay away from car washes with both male and female participants.  They invariably try to steer male drivers toward the females, and female drivers toward the male.  If you insist on the "male" group, they act as if they have never heard of anything so outrageous.













And what's up with the car washers who leave their shirts on?  I understand that when you're out in the sun for hours, you can get burnt, but that's what sunscreen is for.













You're not allowed to just stand and watch the workers. That would make the real reason for the car wash fundraisers too obvious.














But nobody says you can't bring your car in to be washed several times.

See also: The Nude Car Wash; A Week of Beefcake and Bulges on the Plains

Jul 14, 2019

Duke Van Patten's Beefcake and Romance Photos

Duke Van Patten (the one on the left) was recommended to me as a Facebook friend because we have one "mutual friend," Christopher Atkins.

Could he be related to the famous Van Patten brood of 1970s hunks?

Maybe, but before I click on "Yes! Add me!" I always check to see if the prospect is gay.

I've never met a gay guy named Duke, but that's probably not his fault.

He's an actor living in New York.  Otherwise his "likes" are empty: no music, no tv shows, no sports, friends other than Christopher invisible.

Not much to go on.

A lot of photos of Duke with guys.  This one may be joke.  He comments "I love snapchat captions."

















But not this one under the Christmas tree.

















Or this one.  They're engaging in the macho sport of fishing, but look -- seven guys, no girls.  My kind of vacation!









There are about a thousand pictures posted of Duke in a boy-boy pair.  Or in this case, a trio.









But what am I to make of this meme? Granted, there's a nice chest and biceps, and the girl is far in the background, but she's still a girl.

Ok, time to check Duke's other social media.












Instagram: 2 pictures of Duke in a group that includes girls, and 85,000 of Duke with guys, including this take on the "On top of the world!" scene from Titanic.  Comment; "10% of our brains?  I think we use only 10% of our hearts."

Twitter: He watches a lot of movies, he saw Angels in America in London, his dream dinner guest is Aslan, and he states "I'm glad I'm not a 12-year old girl anymore."











One more place to check.  If he's an actor, maybe he's on IMDB.

Hey, he's the son of Vince Van Patten, the 1970s movie hunk and tennis player, part of a whole show biz dynasty.

Five on-screen credits: two walk-ons, The Adventures of Velvet Prozac (sounds campy), The Guest House (about a guy with a gay stalker), and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (playing himself)

I'm convinced.  Sign me up.  I don't have any friends left in New York -- maybe he'll invite me for a visit. 

I could tell him my Vince Van Patten hookup story.

See also: The Van Patten Brothers.
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