Jan 29, 2022

"The Eternals": The First Gay Character in a Marvel Movie, Plus Conversations in Ancient Babylonian


I have seen The Eternals (2021), the first movie in the Marvel Universe to depict a gay character (although the comic books have been doing it for years).  It is a very plot-heavy movie, with characters not given enough time to distinguish and lots of unjustified squabbles.  Maybe a trilogy would have been more appropriate.

The premise: A Celestial (God) creates a group of Eternals (immortal superheroes) and gives them the task of saving humans from Deviants (monsters). I found the name Deviant disturbing, since it actually refers to someone who breaks a social norm, especially a sexual norm, and historically it has usually been applied to gay people.  

So the Eternals appear in Neolitic Mesopotamia and save villagers from some monsters by zapping and pushing them out of the way. I'm not sure who has what power, or if they all have everything.  When the monsters are all toast, an Eternal gives a Neolitic boy (Zain Al Rafeea)  an ornate knife, which one expects to become important, but the plotline is dropped.

Too bad -- 18-year old Zain Al Rafeea has an interesting biography.  A Syrian refugee, he was discovered on the streets of Beirut by director Nadine Labaki.  He was cast as the star of Capernaim (2018), for which he won five "best actor" or "breakout actor" awards. He and his family have since settled in Norway.  The Eterrnals is only his second movie role.

On through the centuries, with Eternals zapping monsters but not allowed to do anything else to help humanity.  Really, how many people could be killed by a handful of monsters, compared to drought, disease, earthquakes, wars, and general evil?  They chafe at their limitations, and finally, at the fall of Tenochtitlan in 1521, they split up.  Or else their god tells them that the coast is clear, they've killed all the monsters.

Sersei (sounds like Circe) and Ikarus (the boy who flew too close to the sun)(Richard Maden, top photo) live as romantic partners for several generations, before Ikarus leaves the planet.  Sersei becomes a biologist working at the British Museum, and dates a mortal named Dane (Kit Harrington, left).  She also "adopts" Sprite, who is a perpetual child, but sometimes can appear in adult form or something.

I don't know what Ajak does.  (Sounds like Ajax, but a girl).

Kingo (Kumali Nanjiani, below right) becomes a Bollywood star.  So he was created as South Asian in 7000 BC, long before the Indo-Aryans settled in South Asia?  He is flamboyantly feminine, so I figured he was gay, and actually he doesn't display any heterosexual interest.

Phastos (Bryan Tyree Henry) settles in America, where he gets married, buys a house, and starts a family, the whole heterosexist American dream, except that he has a husband. not a wife.  It's not hidden: they have two scenes together, and kiss.  Nothing like the extensive groping, grabbing, and tongue-swallowing of Ikarus and Sersei, but 100 times more than anything Marvel has shown on screen before.

Makkari, who is deaf, hangs out in a Dom in the ruins of a Babylonian city.  Why create a superhero with a disability?

Druig (Barry Keoghan, left) has a strong Irish accent, even though he was created thousands of years before there were Irish accents, or Druids.  He settles in the Amazon to help the descendants of the Aztecs.  Wait -- wrong continent.

Gilgamesh (Ma Dong-seok) settles in the Australian outback with another Eternal, maybe Thena (Athena, get it?), who suffers from an Eternal-only mental disorder.

In the present, things start to go terribly wrong.  Deviants return, only now they're sentient. Some of the Eternals go to the Dark Side.  Others have to be convinced to come out of retirement and join the team (this happens in virtually every Marvel movie).  Old rivalries that we didn't know about surface again.  Unrequited crushes that we didn't know about surface again.  Their God is not what he seems.  

And the writers keep confusing "millions" and "billions." 

It's all very confusing, but at least there are fun references to other Marvel characters and events.  

And there is an extended scene set in ancient Babylonia, where conversations take place in Babylonian (actually Akkadian, but why quibble?).  they hired an Akkadian expert to translate, which turned out to be problematic. We have many legal and religious documents in the dead language, but nothing colloquial.  They probably used a phrase similar to "May I help you?", but they never wrote it down.  See this interesting article in "The Conversation."

My Grade: A for the gay character and ancient Akkadian, D for the convoluted plot.

Jan 28, 2022

"The Woman Getting Drunk in the Stalking Chair in the House Across the Street from the Girl and the Hunky Dad Taking His Shirt Off in the Window"


The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window
.  An absurdly long title, but after years of 1-word Netflix titles, it comes as something of a relief.  With two women mentioned, I'm not hoping for any gay characters.  But maybe one of the women will have a cute boyfriend.

Scene 1: Closeup of a woman in a white bathrobe preparing to cook fish.  With Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup.  This commercial break has been brought to you by....  She is so flustered by a flashback of sex and death that she drops her casserole and screams.

She sits down and voice-overs us about her husband's criticism of her over-active imagination, her lack of focus, her alcohol abuse, and so on.  Sounds like a real jerk.  Fortunately, he dumped her.  Then why is she making the fish-and-mushroom-soup casserole?  Just order Chinese.

Scene 2:  Next day.  White Bathrobe is still sitting in her chair, ruminating and watching people have lives out the window.  She sees a nuclear-family moms taking her kids to school and exclaims "Shit!'  Then:  "Elizabeth, let's go!  You'll be late for school!!"  Great, so far four women and nary a penis in sight.

Scene 3:  Standing outside the school, White Bathrobe ruminates: "We tell our kids not to be afraid of monsters.  Why don't we tell them the truth?  There are monsters."  

The other nuclear family moms stare and gossip.  Well, she's still wearing a bathrobe!  She tries to scram, but one of the moms, Carol, approaches to ask how she's holding up after the breakup -- three years ago!  I usually need about 24 hours and a self-pity hookup.  

Also, you never called Mark back to confirm your date tonight.  Girl, she's way too broken for a date!  Maybe after a few years of therapy!

White Bathrobe tries to cancel, but Carol insists: Mark is a client of her husband, and if she flakes out, he'll probably cancel his big account.  Aha, Carol isn't really a friend, she's pimping out White Bathrobe for money.

Scene 4: 
 Back home, White Bathrobe sees movers carrying boxes into the gigantic Georgian mansion -- um, I mean middle-class home -- across the street.  She stops to ask the working-class Buell how his repair of the mail box is coming.  Finally, a man!

Inside, White Bathrobe starts her daily routine of boozing and window-staring.  She checks out some photos of her and her ex, Doug (Michael Ealy), on her phone, flashes back to their wedding reception, and gets even more depressed.  Delete them!  

Oh, boy: a cute nuclear family dad and his daughter emerge from the house across the street, to ask the movers for a cliche teddy bear.  White Bathrobe perks up, thinking "Yum!  And he's single!"  Or maybe his partner is inside, or at work, or at the gym, or at a meeting of the LGBTQ Alliance....

The phone rings.  It's Sloane, another woman, asking why she hasn't been in contact for a few days.  Also, she wants one of White Bathrobe's paintings for her new exhibition at her ritzy gallery. 

White Bathrobe checks out her paintings -- a lot of Georgia O'Keefe vagina-flowers -- and ruminates "I was so talented once."  Before hubbie left, or before you started hitting the booze at 9:00 am?

Scene 5:  Hey, White Bathrobe owns clothes.  She puts on a red dress and earrings, and asks Daughter what she thinks.  Daughter won't say, and when pressed notes that she can't do much because she's dead.  

"Oh, right.  Why do I keep forgetting that?"  So the Moms were gossipping because White Bathrobe tried to drop her dead daughter off at school.

Scene 6: In the bathtub. Carol calls, irate because White Bathrobe stood Mark up, and now her husband's business will tank.  It's Carol's fault for making the entire account depend on the action of someone who is clearly unstable.  

Suddenly there's a thud and a creak, and the trap door to the basement is swinging.  White Bathrobe walks carefully to the trap door, considers opening it, and decides to get drunker instead.  She sits in her stalking chair and watches while, across the street, Hunky Neighbor takes off his shirt -- in front of the window!  After we get a good look, he closes the curtains.  Darn!

Scene 7: 
 Morning.  White Bathrobe awakens to a knock at the door.  It's Hunky Neighbor (Tom Riley, with a beard), bringing her flowers. Nope, he doesn't have a secret crush on her -- they were delivered to his house by mistake!  You could have said that first, instead of the super-misleading "These are for you."   He introduces himself as Neil.  They gaze in hetero-horniness. No husband at home, darn! He leaves.

The flowers are actually from Sloane the Gallery Owner, to turn into a vagina painting.  

Scene 8: White Bathrobe visiting her daughter's grave, which she does every day.  Once a week would be more than enough.   

Back home, the Girl from Across the Street is selling chocolate bars for a school fundraiser.  She needs to sell a lot to get the other kids to like her.  Great, another severely broken person.  White Bathrobe orders five boxes and interrogates the Girl about her hunky dad.  Dead wife, naturally.  She offers to bring over a chicken casserole for dinner tonight.

Scene 9:  Bringing over the casserole.  Buford is still fixing the mailbox.  Isn't that like an hour-long job, tops?  Is he really there?

It starts to rain, which upsets White Bathrobe so much that she collapses in the middle of the street.  Hunky Neil rushes to her aid.   She explains that she suffers from ombrophobia, fear of rain.  Wouldn't you run away instead of collapsing into it?

Hunky Neil decides that this is the perfect moment to describe his wife's tragic death: she drowned at the lake house.  That's how the victim dies in 3,000 murder mysteries. But I bet the little girl did it, not Neil.

White Bathrobe counters with her daughter's tragic death.  That's not going to get you laid, girl.   They flirt a bit, and Hunky Neil leaves.

Scene 10: White Bathrobe decides to investigate the attic after all.  Nothing important up there.  She's scared by a bird, rushes to take some pills, and sits in her stalking chair.  

Across the street, Hunky Neil is on an exercise bike in front of the window.  He sees White Bathrobe watching.  Girl, you have to keep the lights off for night-time stalking.   He comes over, furious.   No -- horny. They kiss and sexify.

Wait -- nope, White Bathrobe imagined the whole thing.

Scene 11:  Morning.  Rufus is still working on that darn mailbox.  White Bathrobe brings over a new casserole, and gets invited to dinner.  Cut to the three laughing and joking and not being depressed.  Upon discovering that White Bathrobe is an artist, Little Girl displays some of her art: a duck.  I expected something scary.

Scene 12:  Dishes are done, Little Girl is in bed, it's time to sexify for real.  Well, just some accidental hand-touching, whish is apparently a major turn-on for heterosexuals.  

Scene 13:  White Bathrobe in bed, reading The Woman Across the Lake (from the Girl in the Window?).  She voice-overs that she's happy that she can finally dream of a future where she is "no longer alone."  Meanwhile, there's a shadowy figure flitting through the attic.  The end.

Beefcake: Neil takes his shirt off twice.

Gay Characters: Probably not.  Maybe Sloane the Gallery Owner.

This is all about White Bathrobe Finding Love Again, but doubtless Neil is a murderer.  Or maybe his daughter.

Buell:  Cameron Britton appears only in the first episode, so I don't know whether he's really repairing a mailbox forever, or a figment of White Bathrobe's imagination.

Top Photo: Benjamin Levy Aguilar, who appears in one episode.

My Grade:  This was actually a lot of fun.  These characters don't behave anything like real people, and the dead wives/daughters all the way down was stunningly ridiculous.  I wonder if it was intentional.  Is this supposed to be a comedy?  B.

"Archive 81": Aren't You Glad Those Pesky Gays Don't Exist? With Time Travel


Archive 81, a sort of high-concept paranormal thriller, is #2 on Netflix this week. It stars a cute guy, and there's no hetero-romance in the trailer, so let's take a look.

Scene 1:  Flatiron Building, Manhattan.  A street vendor is selling old VHS tapes.  Dan, a regular customer, buys some.  The vendor tells him that Jill stopped by earlier, and said hello.  "You can still catch her, if you hurry."  Gulp, the trailer was wrong.  Hetero-romance in the third line of the friggin' series!  Or maybe it's just to assure the audience that he's heterosexual.

Scene 2: Instead of rushing after the Girl of His Dreams, Dan visits another old tape dealer, sits by the Brooklyn Bridge looking depressed, and goes to work at the Museum of the Moving Image, where there's a package waiting for him: an old, heavily damaged movie reel!  He carefully begins the job of reconstruction.  

The reel shows a horror anthology series produced in 1958, but never aired. William Crest died, and the tapes were destroyed.

Dan and his unnnamed female coworker know all about William Crest, but they explain who he is anyway: a famous actor in 1930s movies who dabbled in tv in the 1950s.  His daughter Evie found a box of old, decaying tapes buried on his estate, and sent them to Dan to be restored. 

After the plot dump, coworker gives Dan another package, this one from Karen: "Please restore and digitize this tape for tomorrow morning."  

Scene 3: At home, surrounded by old movies and a photo of a smiling family (dead wife?), Dan starts restoring Karen's tape.  Wait -- why didn't he do it at work?  It displays Melody, a grad student in anthropology in the 1990s, talking to her best friend about her upcoming ethnography of the residents of the Visser Building in the East Village.  In real life, that's a gay neighborhood, but I'll bet in this world it's heterosexual only.

Dan is intrigued.  Is he falling in love with her?  She'll be in her 50s now, if she wasn't sacrified by a weird cult.  But maybe he'll travel back in time to save the Damsel in Distress.

He googles "The Visser Building," and finds a new story: it burned down, leaving 13 residents missing and assumed dead.  

Scene 4:
  "Mystery Signals," a podcast about paranormal investigation, run by Mark Higgins (Matt McGorry, the hunky guard from Season 1 of Orange is the New Black, with about 20 pounds and a beard added). But who cares what he looks like?  After Jill, Evie, the unnamed coworker, Karen, Melody, and her bestie, just hearing a masculine name is a welcome relief!

After the broadcast, Dan and Mark walk down the street, being chummy.  Mark wants to hang out, but Dan blows him off; "I have an early day tomorrow."  That's what you say to avoid spending the night.  Maybe I can wrangle a gay subtext out of these guys.   

Scene 5: At the museum the next day, Karen explains why she needed the tape of the grad student restored: it's for a Big Shot donor. "He wants to thank you in person."

Cut to Dan entering the fantabulous office to shake hands with the Big Shot.  He wants to hire Dan to restore a lot of tapes damaged in the fire at the Vissir Building.  Strictly confidential.  But they're so heavily damaged that you have to work in our research facility in the Catskills, which has no internet or cell phone access.  Sounds like The Shining.  

"We think you would be interested in finding out what happened to the 13 missing residents, because you lost your family in a fire."

Scene 6:  Dan refuses the job and storms out.  He calls Mark: "How the fuck would he know about the fire that killed my family?  It's confidential!  We kept it out of the papers!"

Flashback to the child Dan watching his house go up in flames, interspliced with a dog walking through the woods.

Dan awakens in the middle of the night (no beefcake) and looks at the Melody tape again.  There's the dog!  But it's the same dog he had as a kid.  He's astonished.  How is it possible?  Um....because dogs of the same breed look alike?    

Scene 7: Mark comes over to talk about the dog mystery.  How could "a random, hot grad student," whom you didn't know, be photographed with your dog?  They just had to throw in a heterosexual dig, didn't they?  Can't I have a moment of gay subtext?  

Also, Dan tried looking up Melody on the internet, and there's no record.  

Mark asks pointedly: "Is this about Jill?"  OMG, does every single statement have to be about being heterosexual?

Scene 8:  Dan takes the job.  Driving through a desolate, creepy woods while Big Shot says "Beautiful country, isn't it."  More back story: Dan grew up in this area.  And he's had a nervous breakdown (does that diagnosis exist anymore?).

Dan gets a tour of his dreary brutopian research facility, where someone with a history of mental illness will be all alone, with no internet or cell phone service, restoring tapes about people who died in a fire, like his family.  What could possibly go wrong?

Dan goes to work, restoring the tapes.  First up: Melody's first day at the Vissir Building.

Scene 9:  Melody's timeline, 1994.  She fills in the details about the Vissir: construction date uncertain, architect unknown, built on the ruins of a mansion that burned down in the 1920s (and an Indian burial ground?).  John, the stern, snarling manager, shows her to her apartment (why does she have to stay there, just to conduct some interviews?).   He refuses to introduce her to any of the residents.

That night, Melody hears weird chanting coming from the walls.  She yells for them to knock it off -- it's late.  Suddenly it gets very loud.  Back in 2022, Dan has to turn off the recording; it's so loud it fries his equipment.

Scene 10: Melody knocks on doors to solicit interviews, but gets suspicious stares and grimaces.  Finally, she meets 14-year old Jess, a girl who runs errands for the residents: walks dogs, gets newspapers, and so on (don't the residents ever leave?  Are they like the ghosts in American Horror Story).  Jess offers to introduce her to some residents.

Scene 11: First up: creepy bohemian  Tamara Stefano, who is working on a weird esoteric opera.  She plays some: it's the same chanting Melody heard last night!  But this time it makes her sick; she collapses.  

Back in 2022, Dan calls Mark on the landline and asks him to google Tamara Stefano.  He realizes that the phone line is being tapped, so he hangs up and goes outside to look for cell phone reception. He reaches a high fence. Nothing.  Is he not allowed to leave?  Drive into town for dinner and a movie? Maybe meet someone to hook up with?

Scene 12:  Dan unpacking in his horrible brutopian living quarters.  While browsing among the dog-eared paperbacks in the library, he finds a diary!  Whoops, no, it's a handwritten novel, apparently not important.  Dan puts it back and selects an old movie instead.

Scene 13:
Back in 1994, Melody interviews Jess (she's 14!  You can't interview her without her parents' permission!).  Jess tells her that the Visser draws people in, and won't let you leave.  "Wait -- did Samuel send you?"  she asks.  Who's Samuel?  

Spoiler alert: He's a hot but evil occultist played by Evan Jonigkeit, whom Melody will fall in love with.

Suddenly Jess has an epileptic fit.  Back in 2022, the tape gets distorted, and then a snarling face appears!

Dan runs outside, looking for a cell phone signal. Finally he finds enough bars to get through to Mark, back home: "This place is screwing with my head."  At least there's no kid saying "redrum."  

Mark's intel: there was never a composer or musician of any sort named Tamara Stefano.  So, she died before she had time to make a name for herself.

Flashback to the young Dan playing a song on the piano that outrages his father.  It's probably the same song Tamara Stefano composed.  He orders Dan to stop, so Dan decides to take the dog for a walk instead.  It's a very long walk -- afternoon when they set out, evening when they return, and the house is burning down.

Scene 14:  He puts in the Jess tape again, but this time it plays perfectly.  Jess recovers, and explains that this happens occasionally.  Her Mom has brought her to doctors and priests, but no one can explain why.  

Who's Samuel?  Melody wants to know.

Jess explains that he is from an alternate world. 

Next tape: Melody moaning that they took Jess.  She confronts the apartment manager: "What did you do with her?"  Several other guys in uniforms approach and grab her.  One of them is Dan's father!

The end. 

Beefcake: None.

Gay Characters: Absolutely none.

Heterosexism: Incessant, which is quite a feat, considering that no one is shown actually engaging in heterosexual romance in this episode.  Just constant references.  "I'm heterosexual. Are you heterosexual?  I'm heterosexual.  Isn't being heterosexual great?  Don't you wish everybody was heterosexual?  Wait -- in this world, everybody is!  So why do we have to constantly bring it up?"

Evil Building: The Visser draws you in, and then "you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave."  

Postscript:  I just found out that this ferplunginen series is based on a podcast, in which Melody HAS. A. WIFE.  Who plays an essential role in the plot, but does not exist in the tv series.  And Melody has been de-gayed.  Of all the dirty, low-down, underhanded, homophobic tricks.

My Grade: If I could storm out of the theater, I would.

Jan 26, 2022

The Bob Cummings Show: Uncle Bob and Chuck

Dwayne Hickman (right) of The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis and 1960s beach movies started his tv career as Chuck, a high school boy who lives with his widowed mother and sleazy photographer uncle Bob (former film noir star Bob Cummings) in Love That Bob (1955-1959), aka The Bob Cummings Show. 

At first Chuck is interested in hot rods and rock music but not girls, so Uncle Bob tries to instill in him an appreciation of "the important things in life."  Since Bob's job involves drooling over, gaping at, and sometimes photographing girls, he's something of an expert on girl-craziness, and he has spent many episodes promoting heterosexual desire among gay-coded colleagues: his butch lesbian secretary (Ann B. Davis, later  Brady Bunch); a butch lesbian buddy (Nancy Kulp, later on The Beverly Hillbillies); and a "girl-shy" male buddy (King Donovan).

Bob's overenthusiastic attempts to induce girl-craziness in Chuck looks unconfortably like an attempt to displace his own homoerotic attraction.  Even the teen magazines seemed to notice, treating the two as a couple of "bachelors out on the town."  The December 1957 issue of Teen shows Bob and Chuck slurping ice cream sundaeas, gazing into each other's eyes while wearing matching effeminate fur coats.

Eventually Chuck went off to college, his girl-craziness still tentative, in spite of Uncle Bob's constant girl-ogling, and Dwayne Hickman went off to play high schooler Dobie Gillis.

Jan 25, 2022

The Top 10 Hunks of "Brassic"

 Brassic (slang for "insolvent") follows a gang of working-class lads in the town of Hawley, in the north of England.  Their escapades involve mostly thefts that go wrong, marijuana deals that go wrong,  and brawling -- lots of beefy guys sweating in barns.  A lot of male nudity.  And, surprisingly, some gay representation.  

Here are the top ten hunks: 

The Gang

1. Vinnie (Joe Gilgun), the leader, grew up in a safe-blowing family.  He suffers from bipolar disorder, and has a son with his best friend Dylan's girlfriend.  

2. Dylan (Damien Molony), Vinnie's best friend, passed up a chance to go to uni to stay with the lads.  

3. Ash (Aaron Heffernan) grew up in a fighting family of Irish travelers (nomads).  He is still a bare-knuckle boxer and the muscle of the gang, and gay (out to his friends, but not to his family).  Nothing in the episode synopsis about getting a boyfriend.

4. Tommo (Ryan Sampson) enjoys shagging.  He runs secret S&M nights for the town's businessmen.  Presumably heterosexual S&M, although actor Ryan Sampson is gay.  He came out while starring in the comedy Plebs, and introduced the world to his boyfriend on instagram.

5. Cardi (Tom Hanson) got his nickname from "cardiac arrest" due to his weight (although you'd never know it from his nude scene).  He appears to be cognitively disabled, and acts as the runner for the gang.

6. JJ (Parth Thakarer) grew up in an overachieving family, dropped out of college, and joined the gang.  He runs a chop shop for stolen cars.


7.  Chris Cox (Dominic West) is Vinnie's doctor, who pervs on his female patients.

8. Terence McCann (Ramon Thikaran) is a shady businessman whom Vinnie often works for or runs afoul of.

9.  Jake (Anthony Welsh) competes with Dylan for the heart of his girlfriend.

10. Gary (Tadhg Murphy) is a fighter who appears in Season 3.  Worth the wait. 

Jan 23, 2022

"Summer Heat": Not Much Heat, But a Tragic Gay Guy Named Maicon


Summer Heat (Tempora da Verao
) is a Brazilian teen soap set in a "paradisical resort."  I don't understand why anyone would want to watch except to see young adult muscles glistening in the sun.  I'll fill you in on the plot, such that it is, so you can fast-forward to the muscles.

Premise: Employees having soapy adventures at the Mariesa Hotel on an island resort in Brazil.

Focus Character:  Catarina, a rich guest en route to grad school, who suddenly becomes poor when her mother is arrested and her assets frozen.  With nowhere else to turn, she takes a job at the hotel.  

Other Drama:

1. Catarina's fiance Rodrigo (Leon Bittencourt) decides that he wants to get into the hotel business, probably so he has an excuse to stick around.

2. Employee Yasmin believes that hotel owner Mariesa (Felipe Roche, left) is her biological father.  Photo is from another series; he's heterosexual here.

3. Diego (Jorge Lopez), who has a tragic secret in his past, has to decide if he wants to get serious with his girlfriend, who has a dark secret in her past.

4. Miguel (Andre Luis Frambach) is a drug dealer who reforms under the guidance of his friend Conrado.  

5. Aspiring singer Conrado (Malcon Rodrigues) falls in love with Miguel, who isn't into it, but still wants to be friends.  Unfortunately, Conrado doesn't find a boyfriend;  he's stuck in the tragic "gay guy in love with straight guy" trope.

Beefcake:  Surprisingly little.  They are employees, usually working, and we rarely see any guests.

Gay Characters: The tragic Conrado.

Heterosexual Hijinks:  I expected them to be hooking up constantly, but there's surprisingly little hetero-romance going on.  Most of the drama concerns clashing career goals, dark secrets from one's past, and hotel development plans, with an occasional near-drowning.

Malcon:  Have you ever tried searching for someone named Malcon?  Google absolutely will not permit it.

Me: Search for Malcon

Google: Did you mean Malcolm?

Me: No.  Search for Malcon.

Google: Here are results for Malcolm.

Me:  No.  Search for Malcon.

Google: Did you mean Malcolm?

Whoops, I read it wrong.  His actual name is Maicon, and he's famous in Brazil, with a dozen tv series and 400,000 Instagram followers.  

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