"Mall Rats": Not as Homophobic as You Think

 

For movie night this week, we saw Mallrats (1995), the second movie set in Kevin Smith's View Askew universe.  I wasn't pleased with it -- too many gross-out moments, not enough beefcake, a nonsensical plotline.  But at least there was a gay connection.

The plot:

College student T.S. Quint (former teen idol Jeremy London) gets angry because his girlfriend Brandi has agreed to appear on her father's dating program (Dad, played by Michael Rooker, gives us some nice chest and butt shots, but I think they are supposed to be gross-out moments).  So they break up.

Meanwhile, slacker Brodie (Jason Lee, about ten years before My Name is Earl) gets dumped by his girlfriend Rene because...well, he's a slacker. 

She immediately starts dating Shannon (Ben Affleck), who works at a high-end men's clothing store at the mall.

The duo descend upon the mall for a day of set-pieces and interactions with mall regulars, including Jay and Silent Bob, the dimwitted Willem, and Stan Lee of comic book fame.  Their main goal is to sabotage the dating program, which will be filmed live at the mall, by causing the stage to collapse.  Instead they compete on the dating game and convince their respective girlfriends to take them back.

The gross-outs:

Fast-forward past the opening credits -- five minutes of boobs! boobs! boobs! 

A five minute scene with a "topless psychic." Otherwise the women in this movie are tastefully clothed.

Scenes involving farting, sticking your hand up your butt and then shaking hands with someone else, and impled coprophagia.

A fifteen-year old girl is doing a research project where she has sex with a lot of guys, aged 14 to 30, and evaluates their prowess.

The gay connections:

Male duos are told "You like each other so much, why don't you date?"  Twice.  As a joke, but still...

Jay and Silent Bob hug, and I think there's a kiss on the cheek.

During the dating game, a question comes up about kissing.  Contestant 2 (Brodie) tells Contestant 3 (played by Brian O'Halloran), "I've seen you kiss.  Some dude backstage.  He seemed to be into it."  

Contestant 3 protests that he is not gay.  Brodie responds: "See how upset he got?  He's homophobic!"  

Contestant 3 protests again: "I don't hate gay people."  Brodie counters: "Ok, so you love gay people." It goes on like that for awhile.

Jay and Silent Bob are known for their homophobia, but in this movie they are "silent."  However, there's a final homophobic joke: Shannon sent to prison for having sex with the15-year old girl ("she told me she was 31!"), gets a "boyfriend."

See also: Jay and Silent Bob are Gay-Positive;  My Name is Earl

The Key to Ultimate Happiness is the Back End of a Car

I've seen this commercial a dozen times while watching tv on Amazon Prime.  I don't understand it at all.

A lot of extremely delighted people are walking out of their houses and into the streets, and eventually into rugged mountains, while singing the 1968 classic "Nah Nah Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye," by the one-hit-wonder rock band Steam.   

I first saw the commercial shortly after the 2020 presidential election, and thought they were saying goodbye to Donald Trump.  But why are they carrying the back ends of cars?

Meanwhile, on a high mountaintop, an extremely delighted cowboy opens the back end of his truck and stands on it, gazing down on the culmination of all of his hopes and dreams.  This is it!  Ultimate happiness!  Paradise!

Then the narrator says some gibberish very quickly: 3.9% APR financing sasquatch Armageddon hatchback tailgate $5000 authorized macadamia nut financing available Ford marshmallow today!

After a few viewings and some internet research, I figured out that the procession is carrying the back end of a truck that slides down.  It's called a tailgate, like the parties they have in the parking lots of sports stadiums!

The crowd has achieved ultimate happiness because they can replace their old, horrible "tailgate" with a new, wondrous one that will solve all of the world's problems.

But I still don't understand.  Are you supposed to take your old tailgate to the car dealership, get the new happiness-inducing one, and install it yourself?  Or do you have to buy a whole new car?   If you have to buy a new car, why did they take off the old tailgate?  Wouldn't that reduce the trade-in value?  And why are they walking hundreds of miles through the desert heat with the old tailgate?  Where are they going?  

I guess you have to be heterosexual to understand.

In gay communities, you either don't own a car at all, or it is a means of transportation.  Company, style, APR, PRB, trans-world steering, ranglefraz interior, multiple stereo gizmos, and tailgate type are not happiness-inducing.  They are irrelevent.  No one ever says "Hey, the guy in the Ford Bronco XLX 397 is cute."  At most it's "The guy in the blue car is cute."

At least the song has a gay connotation. Although most of the songs on Steam's only album are about girls! girls! girls!, the cover of "Na Na Hey Hey" depicts six hippies naked in a bathhouse.

"For the Love of Jason": Does Jason Have Any Gay Loves?

 

Amazon Prime has pulled out a lot of black-oriented movies and tv shows for Black History Month.  For the Love of Jason, advertised as a six-episode comedy (we'll see), drew my attention because it omitted pronouns throughout the entire episode guide: Jason has "just broke off a long-term relationship"; there's an "unexpected guest" at a wedding; Jason runs into "his friend's ex"; "Jason "goes on a bad date."  

Dropped pronouns usually mean that the character is gay, and the producers are afraid that you will scream "next!" in homophobic horror uless they trick you into watching.  But in this case, it is probably just sloppy writing: other key phrases, like "the bachelor lifestyle" and "settle down", are usually applied to heterosexuals.  We'll see.

I watched Episode 4, "Something New," becausse it gives Jason a workplace plotline  That way, if he turns out to be  heterosexual, there won't be a lot of boy-girl tongue-swallowing.

Scene 1: Bryan (B.J. Britt) is conducting therapy with a married couple (husband played by Lathan Ford). Suddenly Alicia bursts in, irate.  They leave, and the married couple continues to argue.

Scene 2: Jason (Trell Woodberry) at work.  His 11:00 appointment has arrived: Lola Lane, a famous actress whose divorce is all over the media.  His job is to tell her side of the story: her husband/manager was giving her bad roles and cheating on her.  She advises: "Never let anyone make you their pawn."

Gay hint: Jason has a photo of his mom, not a girlfriend or wife, on his desk. 

Scene 3: Out in the hallway, Jason overhears Richard (Tom Jenkins) and  Blake (Hays McEchern, left) his father and son bosses, discussing how important the Lola Lane account is to the agency (I'm deducing public relations), and how important it is to have a black guy on the staff to win her over.  They can talk to their own kind.  "All this diversity and inclusion isn't all bad."  Jason recoils from the racism and leaves.

Scene 4: Jason at a bar, complaining to Bryan and Lacey (the bartender) about his racist bosses: "I always thought they felt that way, but today confirmed it."  He's had to deal with so much racism in his career that he "can't let this shit pass."  

They move the conversation to Lacey: she's in a good mood, so someone must be "hitting that." She doesn't want to say who because they are judgmental, and "he doesn't run in your circle."  

Gay hint: Bryan keeps cruising women, but Jason doesn't.

Scene 5:  Bryan at home, trying to call Alicia (the girlfriend or wife who burst into his session earlier).  She texts him: dinner tomorrow night at 7:00 pm to "talk it through."

Scene 6: Lacey in bed.  Her roommate or friend Kara comes in and asks why she hasn't met Lacey's new boyfriend yet.  "Because he's ....um...different."  

I'm intrigued.  Is he white?  An octogenarian? Gay?

Kara is intrigued, too.  "Is he short...corny...broke...weird?"  Then she leaves, and Lacey calls the new bf, Steven.

Scene 7: Jason at work, interviewing Lola (the famous actress) on his computer.  His coworker  Cody (Iker Amaya) comes in to announce that he has signed on a famous baseball player who was arrested and charged with domestic violence.  The firm is going to clean up his image (um...that sounds shady).

Gay hint; The player just signed a big contract, and Cody "can't wait to get a piece of that."  He technically means the money, but there's a homoerotic double-entendre.

Jason tells Cody about the racist incident from yesterday.  He's not going to confront them, but "I've been thinking about my future.  And yours as well."

Gay hint: he means that he wants to start a new public relations firm with Cody and their new high-profile clients, but there's a romantic subtext.  He might easily be proposing marriage.

Cody is not sure -- it's a big step!  But finally he agrees.

Scene 8: Bryan and Alicia at dinner.  What is she so upset about? "I found a speed dating app on your phone!"  Bryan claims that it was research for his therapist job.

Cut to Lacey, apparently at the same restaurant, with the mysterious Steven (Ryan Scharoun). They discuss how much they like each other, and he invites her to his brother's "event" next week. 

Bryan notices that Lacey is there, and is anxious to see the "mystery man."  But Alicia gets jealous, so he can't look.  

She continues: They've been engaged for three years, and he still refuses to set a date for the wedding.

He gets up to "go to the bathroom" and spy on Lacey, while Alicia fumes.  She takes off her engagement ring and leaves.

Meanwhile, Bryan is getting snarky with Steven: "Is this an actors' meetup, or am I late to the Farmer's Market."  Those are meant to be insults, but I don't understand why.  Lacey, embarrassed to be dating a white person, introduces Steve as "a friend."

Gay symbolism:  Introducing your boyfriend as "a friend."

After Bryan leaves, Steven confronts Lacey over closeting their relationship.  Is it because he's white.  She explains: "Yes.  It's not like that. It's complicated."   Steven is ok with her discomfort, and still wants to date.

Bryan goes back to the table and texts Jason: "You not going to believe this! Lacey here with Prince Harry!"  A server brings him Alicia's engagement ring (Well, she could hardly leave it laying on the table for someone to steal!).  The end

Beefcake: Lots of cute guys, always fully clothed.

Other Sights: All interiors: the office, the bar, the restaurant, Lacey's bedroom.

Gay Characters: All of the male characters except Jason do double-takes at women or discuss relationships with women.  Jason doesn't display any heterosexual interests, and never discusses a heterosexual relationship.  He treats his coworker Cody as a boyfriend, and the famous actress Lola as a maternal figure.  

Of course, I stacked the deck by choosing a work-related episode.  In Episode #5, Jason goes on a bad date "that leads him back to Carmen."  He'll end up with a girl.

Is It At Least Funny: No.

Male Nudity in English Class: The Canterbury Tales

During my junior year in college, I heard The Word in my college class for the first time.  My Culture and Civilization of Modern Germany class was devoted to proving that no German ever wrote about homosexualitat, but the professor in my Chaucer class, a big, hoarse-voiced woman named Dr. Dorothy, thought that The Canterbury Tales was all about how terrible "homosexuality" was.

Ok, but the Pasolini adaption of The Canterbury Tales had the most impressive male nudity I had ever seen at that point.  I can't show a picture on a G-rated blog, but those guys were huge.


















The Pardoner, one of the pilgrims who tell stories on the road to Canterbury, was thin and willowy, beardless, with long yellow hair and a high pitched voice.

"An effeminate homosexual!" Dr. Dorothy cried, obviously delighted to say a forbidden word.  "How grotesque!"

Ok, but look at the Squire: a powerfully built young man of about twenty.  But instead of jousting and fighting dragons, he spends his time dancing, singing, and embroidering, quite feminine pursuits. He is a "lover and a lusty bachelor," so busy having sex that he doesn't sleep much at night.  Yet who does he have sex with?  Chaucer leaves this vague, but traditionally squires were devoted to the knights they served.






In The Miller's Tale, a parish clerk named Absolon is infatuated with the Miller's wife, and asks her for a kiss through a peep-hole.  Instead, the Miller shoves his bare butt through and farts in Absolon's face.  But Absolon gets revenge by shoving a red-hot poker into the Miller's butt.

"Symbolic homosexuality!" Dr. Dorothy cried, enjoying the shocked expressions on the students' faces. "How humiliating for the Miller!"

Ok, but look at The Knight's Tale, about two bosom buddies, Arcite and Palamon, who are both in love with Emily.  A classic triangulation, with the quarrel over the girl an impediment to their love, which is described in lushly romantic terms:

Sworn as we are, and each unto the other,
That never, though for death in any pain,
Never, indeed, till death shall part us twain.

Medieval literature was filled with men in love, like Roland and Oliver.  Shakespeare and John Fletcher used the same story as the basis for The Two Noble Kinsmen (1634), here performed by Tyler Neale and Tim Elliott.

A Knight's Tale (2001), starring Heath Ledger, tells a different story, but it does feature a nude Geoffrey Chaucer (Paul Bettany), plus a homoromantic couple, the Knight's humorous sidekicks, Roland and Wat (Mark Addy, Alan Tudyk).

As I discovered in my classes in Modern British and American Literature, you can't always believe what you hear from a college professor.

WKRP in Cincinnati

During the late 1970s, there was a fad of hip, urban workplace sitcoms that were very popular but had little to offer gay teens.  The office setting meant no shirtless scenes, the business plots meant no daring rescues, and buddy-bonding was all but absent in casts full of New Sensitive Men seeking out boogie nights.

WKRP in Cincinnati (1978-82), about a struggling radio station, was the worst of the lot.  I watched it -- everybody watched it -- but I didn't like much except the catchy theme song: "Got kind of tired of packing and unpacking, in town to town, up and down the dial").

1. The male actors not only displayed no beefcake, they weren't even cute to look at fully-clothed. Rock dj Dr. Johnny Fever (Howard Hesseman) was scraggly, reporter Les Nessman (Richard Sanders) mousy, and advertising manager Herb Tarlek (Frank Bonner) smarmy.  That left station manager Andy Travis (Gary Sandy), who at least could fill out a flannel shirt and pair of 1970s extra-tight jeans (and appeared fully nude in Playgirl). 

2. No buddy-bonding, not even a lot of same-sex friendships.  Most of the conflict involved not external threats, but the various on-air personalities and support staff bickering with each other.

3. Most of the hip urban comedies had at least one "very special episode" with someone's visiting brother or college buddy informing the cast that he was gay, resulting in "hilarious" spit-takes, denials, some homophobic comments, and finally tolerance.  Not WKRP. Instead, tt had:

Les Nessman so upset by an unfounded "accusation" that he tries to commit suicide (see "Most Homophobic Moments in College #4).

A smarmy photographer with incriminating photos claims to be gay, so Herb Tarlek puts on his most effeminate facade to flirt with him and try to retrieve them.  

Dr. Johnny Fever wants to get out of his condo lease, so he pretends to be gay, and the condo board, aghast, practically kicks him out the door.

4. No gay-friendly actors.  Howard Hesseman had played gay before, but only negative stereotypes.  Gary Sandy had a few connections with gay people: he shared an apartment with gay superstar Sal Mineo, and got his start playing a hustler who beats up Candy Darling in Some of My Best Friends Are (1971).  But, all accounts suggest that he is even more homophobic in real life than his character was.

Better stick to the catchy theme song.

See also: Frasier, another sitcom about a radio station.

"Scenes of a Sexual Nature": Saturday in the Park with a Gay Couple

Scenes of a Sexual Nature just appeared on my Amazon Prime "movies we think you'll like list."  The trailer showed a gay couple amid the scenes, so I turned it on.  

I watched about ten minutes and fast-forwarded through the rest.  Some middle-aged and elderly couples are hanging out in the park.  They can see other couples, but they don't know each other, don't interact, and aren't connected in any way.  There is no plot.  Nothing happens.  It's as if the director just filmed random people on a random Saturday afternoon.

1. Andrew Lincoln (four years before The Walking Dead) and Holly Aird, (recongizable from British tv) discuss sex.  Holly gets angry when Andrew looks at a passing woman.

2. Eileen Atkins (Queen Mary on The Crown) and Benjamin Whitrow (on British tv since 1963) meet on a park bench.  They discuss getting older and how everything changes, and visit Eileen's husband's grave.

3. Sophie Okenodo (Hotel Rwanda) argues with her boyfriend Nick Sid  (don't get excited -- he's not a punk rocker, he's a 54-year old dramatic actor).  .  She runs off, meets Tom Hardy (Peaky Blinders), decides to have sex with him, and then runs off agian.

4. Ewan McGregor (last seen as the villain Sionis in the Batman spin-off Birds of Prey) and his boyfriend Douglas Hodge (last scene as Alfred the Butler in the Batman spin-off Joker) discuss adopting children and giving up hookups.  But then Ewan sees a hot guy and rushes off for a hookup.

5.  Adrian Lester (last seen in a tv series with the pompous title Life) and Catherine Tate discuss getting a divorce.

6. Mark Strong chats with Polly Walker, the sex worker he has hired.  Sorry, I got tired of looking up the actors.  They've all been in hundreds of movies and tv shows, but nothing I've seen.

7. Hugh Bonneville and Gina McKee are on a blind date, until Hugh gets upset at Gina looking at another guy, and leaves.  Which is sort of what happened to Couple #1.  See how nicely it all ties together?

The actors apparently signed up thinking that they were going to be in a pompous, pretentious movie about Life.  But movies aren't real life; that's the first thing they tell you in Film Appreciation 101.

I have an idea: instead of watching this, go to the park with your partner.  I guarantee that you'll see more attractive people, and have a more interesting conversation.