Mar 2, 2024

Adam Devine's Ginormous Glutes

 Some guys like looking at guys' backsides.  I prefer the front: .face, pecs, biceps, abs....

And other things.  But I'm all about accommodating, so if you want to see Adam's butt, you can see Adam's butt.

I can't show any bare butts here, of course.  The NSFW post is on Righteous Gemstones Beefcake and Boyfriends.

"Jexi": Dull romcom enlivened by Adam Devine's comic delivery and nudity


I'm going to review Jexi (2019) in spite of its 19% score on Rotten Tomatoes and awful reviews.  Adam Devine's movies often emphasize gay subtexts and minimize heterosexual hijinks (does he ever actually kiss a girl), and besides, he's fun to watch in almost anything.

See the NSFW version of this review here.

Scene 1: The boy Phil is having dinner with his parents, bored by their adult heterosexual conversation, so they give him a phone. Not a smart phone, but still, he is mesmerized. 

Cut to a few years later: parents still ignoring Phil, who escapes through the cell phone.  

Cut to the adult Phil (Adam Devine) sleeping alone in a double bed (aww, he's lonely).  He picks up his cell phone and continues looking at it while brushing his teeth, pooping, showering, and walking through San Francisco.  Gay Mecca?  Bound to be some gay characters.  But he's not alone: he's in a sea of humanity, all of them staring at their cell phones.  No human interaction at all.  Gee, the message of this movie is so subtle, it's hard for me to figure out.  Are they pro or anti cell phone?

Scene 2:
He works at Chatterbox, some sort of web service, making lists. The Boss (Michael Peña) upbraids the staff for not creating lists "that break the internet."   So: "Beautiful Asian girl, what you got?" Sexist jerk. "Ten reasons that cupcakes are over."

 "Prison lips?" "Cats that look like Ryan Gosling." Why is Phil "prison lips"?  What are prison lips?  

Answer: lips that look like you'd be good at oral sex. Great, now the image of Adam doing that will be in my head all day.

Phil tells his back story to coworker Craig: Journalism degree from UC Davis, wanted to be a serious journalist, stuck writing clickbait lists. So, I wanted to teach seminars in gay history at an Ivy League college, not grade 500 intro papers where the students think that 1956 was in the 19th century.

Craig and an androgynous coworker who may be gay invite Phil him to play kickball tonight, but he refuses: Sorry, I can't make it.  I got a thing."  I don't get it.  Why doesn't he want to make friends?  

Scene 3:  Phil at home, telling Siri to order him Chinese food and turn on Netflix.  Then he posts a picture of the San Francisco skyline on Facebook and goes to bed, being sad and lonely.  You're in the gay capital of the world. Go to a gay bar, or a sex club, or a meeting of the gay kickball league.  There might be ladies out there, too, if you're into that.

Scene 4:  Next day in the cell phone-infused world.  Whoops, Phil bumps into a woman, knocking her over and dropping his cell phone. He panics: "Oh God, are you ok?"  But he's talking to his cell phone, har har!  Dude, you could have had a meet-cute!   

She is angry at first, but then notices his hotness and starts to flirt.  Her name is Cate, and she owns a bike shop. It took 8 minutes for Phil to be established as probably heterosexual.  That's a record.  As they continue their embarrasingly awkward flirtation, a biker crashes into Phil, destroying his cell phone!

Scene 5: Wanda Sykes, the cell phone lady, says that they can't repair Phil's phone.  She complains that hipsters are constantly coming in, crying over their broken cell phones like crackheads.  "I'm not a crackhead!" Phil exclaims.  "No, you're worse. Crackheads get off the couch every now and then." 

Cut to Phil unpacking his new phone.  His AT assistant, Jexi, downloads his info from the cloud.  Then he asks her to order him Chinese food, but she orders a "child-sized kale salad."   "See, the user agreement gave me permission to override your commands." Uh-oh.

Scene 6:
Jexi changes Phil's usual alarm to "Wake up, Bitch!"  She laughs at his dick in the shower (no beefcake).  He's driving to work today instead of taking a cable car like before, and she disapproves of his choice of easy-listening car music -- "This song sucks a bag of dicks!" Hey, Jexi is homophobic!  She changes it to a rap song about a playa having sex with a ho.

Then she wants him to turn left onto the 6-lane bumper-to-bumper Market Street -- I've had the GPS tell me to do things like that, too -- and when he refuses, calls him a "fucking pussy" and tells him to "strap on a sack" (get balls?).  

Left: Kenny Lorenzetti, who plays a security guard at the Fillmore during the Kid Cudi concert scene.  Not much beefcake in this movie except for Adam's penis and butt.

Scene 7: The Boss lecturing on the pillars of internet click-bait lists: cute animals, pizza, and the British royal family.  The androgynous coworker may be wearing a rainbow-flag t-shirt.  While Phil sits bored, Jexi chimes in with another appointment.  He doesn't have one: she just wanted to get him out of "this dumb fucking meeting.  Also, this powerpoint presentation sucks, and your boss is a moron."  She won't turn off, so Phil has to run out of the meeting.

He asks Jexi to run a diagnostic: "200,000 defects."  But when Phil tries to exchange her for a new phone, she claims "0 defects.  Also it's time for your butt waxing appointment." He wants a new phone anyway. Jexi threatens him: "Snitches get stitches."  

Scene 8: Phil unwraps his new phone.  But the new Jexi is as abrasive and controlling as the old one: She explains that, as software, she is in the cloud, and can download herself into any phone.  Plus she controls all of his accounts: "If you try to get rid of me or stop using me, I will destroy your fucking life!"  She intends to make his life better, whether he wants it or not. Shouldn't there be thousands of people with similar problems?

Scene 9: Phil decides to internet-stalk Love Interest Cate, but Jexi disapproves: "Do not be a sex pervert", and besides, he's so unattractive that she will never agree to sex with him. "You are completely unfuckable."  Ok, that's not believable.  Adam's characters always have massive personality flaws to counterbalance his jaw-dropping hotness, but the hotness is still noticeable.  Phil could walk into any bar in San Francisco, ask "who wants to buy me dinner?", and choose someone from the 50 raised hands.

Jexi does the search anyway, but Cate is not on social media.  "You will have to talk to her with your weird little mouth."  He's too socially awkward for that, but  Jexi calls her anyway.  After a few awkward exchanges, Cate says "Don't call women who don't give you their phone number -- super creepy," and hangs up.  Didn't he call the bike shop? Maybe he's a customer.

Scene 10:  Getting him a girlfriend didn't work out, so Jexi turns her attention to his career. "You are a good journalist, so last night I emailed your boss and demanded a promotion. Also I called him a virgin."  Heterosexist AI, equating heterosexual activity with self-worth.. 

Wait -- the boss calls him in irate, and says that "being a virgin is a beautiful lifestyle choice. I have an untouched penis, unlikely you, fucking dirty dick."  Who's been touching Phil's penis?

The boss doesn't fire him, but he demotes him to answering viewer comments.  Whoa, that sounds awful. 

Scene 11: The horrible basement room where elderly employees answer comments.  Phil's coworkers drop by to ask him to play kickball again.  He tries to claim that he has a thing tonight, but Jexi tells him that "your only plan is to go home, furiously masturbate, and then cry yourself to sleep." I still don't get it. Why doesn't he want to make friends?   So of course he has to go.

Scene 12: Playing kickball -- like baseball except kicking.  He is lousy at it, so his coworkers rescind their offer of drinks afterwards. Geez, what did you expect?  He's never played before.  Try being a little supportive! 

I'm out of room, so I'll stop the scene by scene now.

Phil takes his shirt off and displays his dick and bare butt. There aresome incidental chest shots.

Gay Characters: None specified, except maybe, possibly, the coworker.

Homophobia: Jexi makes some homophobic comments, but she's like evil, so I'll let it pass.

Heterosexism: The romance between Phil and Cate, of course. No one else expresses heterosexual interest.  

Premise Problem: Why is Phil so afraid of social contact?    He's addicted to cell phones, but that's the result of his social isolation, not the cause.

Plot Problem: Phil's life needs to spin out of control, with increasingly bigger and bolder consequences of Jexi's malevolence. He should be hanging off the Golden Gate Bridge with lions released from the zoo approaching.  Instead, we get some insipid plot complications, Jexi sending his dick pic to everybody he knows and making Cate's ex-boyfriend (Justin Hartley) show up.

My Grade
: In spite of various problems, any 90 minutes spent watching Adam Devine is a good 90 minutes, not only for the hotness but for his comedic delivery.  I especially like his slow-burn response to catastrophes.  No silent movie comedian did it better;  I laughed out loud several times.  Points off for the lack of LGBTQ representation, especially in San Francisco.  B.

The NSFW version is on Righteous Gemstones Beefcake and Boyfriends

Harry Hamlin Making Love

Harry Hamlin hirsute, handsome, and pleasantly muscular, but not a bodybuilder -- he was kin more to Tom Selleck and  Gregory Harrison than Sylvester Stallone. But gay teenagers in the early 1980s looked beyond his muscles, for his role as the first positive gay character in a Hollywood movie.

Aspiring to be a great actor, not a hunk-of-the-week, Harry graduated from Yale with a degree in drama and then received his Master of Fine Arts degree.  He appeared in two serious adaptations of the classics: The Taming of the Shrew (1976) and Studs Lonigan (1979) before relenting and appearing in a toga, or out of a toga, in Clash of the Titans (1981), a retelling of the Perseus myth of ancient Greece.

It's heterosexist, with Perseus getting the girl at the end, and there is little or no buddy-bonding, but it was one of the few movies of the period where the hero was nude or shirtless throughout.

The next summer Harry starred in Making Love (1982), as successful writer Bart McGuire. The producers really, really wanted us to like him.  There is a long montage at the beginning that demonstrated just how good, noble, and kind he is.  Also not at all stereotypic, except he likes Gilbert and Sullivan, the precursor to show tunes.

Another long montage establishes that successful doctor Zack Elliot (Michael Ontkean), is also good, noble, and kind.  So is his wife, Claire (Kate Jackson, then famous for the babe-detective series Charlie's Angels).  

The superhuman virtue of the three main characters established, Bart and Zack become friends.  Bart tells Zack he's gay. He responds nobly. Bart offers Zack a back rub that turns into sex.

Zack tells Claire that he's gay.  She responds nobly.  They break up so Zack can move in with Bart.

Bart wasn't really looking for a romance, so they break up. But not to worry, Zack finds a new boyfriend instantly.

Everyone is affluent, tolerant, noble, and perfectly coiffed, with no anxieties, no conflict; everything works out fabulously.  It's awful.  I can't watch it today.  But in 1982, we were watching and saying: "Look, a gay character on a movie screen!  Who isn't leering and decadent, and doesn't die at the end!"

Harry Hamlin has been busy, starring in over 30 movies and 12 tv series.  Michael Ontkean, too. But Boomer kids will always remember the summer of 1982, when they were Making Love.

Jozin z Bazin: The Czech Swamp Monster and His Boyfriend

The Czechs and the Slovaks were joined into Czechoslovakia from 1918 to 1993 because they have similar histories, cultures, and religions.  Their languages are mutually intelligible:

English: My penis is as big as a baseball bat
Czech:  Můj penis je stejně velká jako baseballovou pálkou
Slovak: Môj penis je rovnako veľká ako baseballovou pálkou

They have the same pop culture icons, like model Jozef Mikovčák (left).

Pop singer Miroslav Šmajda (aka Max Jason Mai), a contestant in the 2012 Eurovision Song Contest.

And Ivan Mládek, the Weird Al Yankovich of Eastern Europe, whose novelty song Jožin z bažin (Joey of the Swamp) has been popular since its tv premiere in 1978.

Like the American Monster Mash parodies monster movies, Jožin z bažin  parodies Czech heroic sagas, in which a swordsman kills a dragon and thereby win "half of my kingdom and my daughter's hand in marriage."

Except instead of a dragon, it's a swamp monster named Jožin (Joey), who lives in Moravia (near Brno) but mostly eats people from Prague.  The mayor of the village of Vizovice  offers the narrator half of the collective farm and his daughter's hand in marriage for capturing the beast.  So he drops sleeping powder from a crop duster, putsJoey to sleep, and sells him to a zoo.

Sounds heterosexist, except it's typically acted out with men playing all the parts.

Sometimes the daughter is never mentioned again.

And sometimes the narrator marries the monster.

You can see versions in Czech, Lithuanian, Polish, German, and Hungarian on youtube. With the proper tweaking of the lyrics, it can be turned into a political satire.

By the way, the older guy who pops up out of nowhere and makes frenetic dance moves is Ivo Pešák (1944-2011), who performed in Mládek's Banjo Band in the 1970s, and was a familiar face on Czech tv.  Want to see him with his shirt off?

"Top Gun: Maverick": Is beefcake enough?


Remember the shirtless volleyball scene in Top Gun (1986)?  Who doesn't?  In an era when you rarely saw men's bodies on screen, except maybe a glimpse of chest while they were schtumping ladies, we got closeups of perfectly chiseled men, with no women anywhere around.  The Daily Beast says: "If you were a certain kind of teenage boy in 1986, the beach volleyball scene spoke directly to you.  And what it said was 'You're gay now.  Good luck.'" 

Of course, the guys themselves are written as straight; the main plot is a hetero-romance; Tom Cruise is aggressively homophobic.  The queer code was all in the beefcake.  Decider says that it "encompasses the sexual repression of the decade."

In 2022, a sequel, Top Gun: Maverick, featured some of the original cast and actors playing their children.  The guys are still written as straight, with a hetero-romance as the main plot, and Tom Cruise is still aggressively homophobic.  Nevertheless, The Daily Beast calls it the "gayest movie of the year," due to a shirtless football scene.  40 years have passed, and we still get nothing but beefcake?

Ok, then, let's look at the beefcake.

1. Tom Cruise as "Maverick," the focus character in the original, now a flight instructor teaching other Top Guns.

2. Miles Teller, left , as "Rooster," son of his best friend in the original.

3, Jon Hamm, left, as "Cyclone," the commander.

4. Glen Powell  as "Hangman," a pilot

5. Ed Harris as "Hammer," Maverick's superior officer. 

6. Val Kilmer, left, as "Iceman," Maverick's former rival

More beefcake after the break

Mar 1, 2024

Get Out

African-American photographer Chris (Daniel Kaluuya) reluctantly accepts his white girlfriend  Rose's invitation to visit her ultra-rich family for the weekend.  They're not at all racist!  she assures him.  They have black friends.  They voted for Obama -- twice!

Chris knows that white people often suffer from unconscious racism that allows them to congratulate themselves for just saying hello to a black person.  He expects to spend the weekend hearing about black friends and becoming a spokesperson for the black condition.  But he goes.

The family, passive-aggressive Mom and Dad and crazy-aggressive "let's wrestle!" Jeremy (Caleb Landry Jones), are pleased as punch to meet Chris. They say all of the things that liberal white people say to prove they are not racist.  Jeremy compliments Chris on his genetics, but...ok.   Just the usual microaggressions.

The black servants, Georgina and Walter, act like zombies, like Stepford Servants.

That weekend, the Armitages invite a lot of their wealthy white friends to a party, where they all but drool over Chris. They obviously want him -- physically.  Is this a club for black fetishists?

There is only one other black man at the party, a young guy named Logan King (LaKeith Stanfield).  He has the same vacant zombie vibe as the servants.  Plus he dresses and acts elderly, and he has a much older wife. Gigolo?  Or hypnotized?

Turns out to be much worse.  Spoiler alert:

Rich white people are transferring their brains into young black bodies, so they can be younger, stronger, more talented, more athletic, more hung, better in bed, better at practically everything.

Aha!  Black people have always suspected that white racism is rooted in jealousy.

Afterwards the old personality is still there, but stuck inside, unable to act.  That's why all of the transferred people act like zombies.

Georgina and Walter actually have the brains of Grandma and Grandpa Armitage in them.

Wait -- they wanted black bodies just so they could become servants?

Sometimes they kidnap the bodies they need, and sometimes Rose procures them by dating them and inviting them up "for the weekend."

Chris is next!  Both Jeremy and Jim Hudson (Stephen Root),  a blind art dealer (rather a poor career choice) want him.  A desperate escape attempt follows, with everyone in hot pursuit, getting offed by Chris as he struggles to Get Out!

Beefcake:  Not much.

Gay references:

Rose's previous conquests include 14 men and a woman (if each wooing takes about six months, that's a lot of work for someone of her age).

Chris calls his comic-relief buddy, Rod (comedian Lil Rel Howery), who suspects that something nefarious is going on. Remember Jeffrey Dahmer?  Some black dudes went to his house, thinking "I'm just gonna suck some dick, maybe jiggle some balls," and they got decapitated.

Gay subtexts:  Where to begin?  Every white man in the movie is arguably gay, leering at Chris, commenting on his attractiveness.  One assumes that they desire Chris's body. Only later do we discover that they want to live in it. 

Plus Chris and Rod work together to solve the mystery.  In the last, scene, Rod saves Chris, and they drive off into the sunset together, subverting the trope of male-female fade-out kiss.

Gemstones Episode 2.7: Holding hands among the yurts, and eating pizza for deserts. With a nude Jonathan Bennett bonus

 This is the G-rated version of the Episode 2.7 review, with the nudity and some of the sexual descriptions omitted.

Go to the nude version

In the last episode, Kelvin and Keefe were ejected from the God Squad and kicked out of their house, and Eli was shot several tis and crashed his car. Gulp, he's dead!

When you get tired of discussing sex: Whew, Eli's not dead after all, but he's in a coma. Jesse/Amber and Judy/BJ hug and cry at his bedside.  Kelvin is noticeably absent.  Then the siblings go out into the parking lot and throw up multiple times. followed by the partners.   Is this a common response to grief, or did they all have bad sushi for dinner?

Ok, we're not tired of discussing sex yet:  We cut to Keefe trapped in the God Squad's tiger cage.  There are several openings to look through, but he prefers the glory hole, as if awaiting his next customer.  This time, Sky pushes through, hitting him in the eye!  

Sky didn't really want sex,  He wanted to tease Keefe, demonstrating what he couldn't have.  The God Squad guys laugh and high-five each other.  In gay communities, and actually among heterosexuals also, the person who performs is often denigrated, considered physically and socially inferior. Keefe's activity with Kelvin apparently brands him as "a bottom." 

Keefe collapses, screaming in pain, and starts to cry.  He has died and gone to hell, being punished for Kelvin's sins -- a veritable Christ figure.  Note that Keefe undergoes a symbolic death and resurrection in every season.

When the God Squad guys leave, Kelvin appears with food and toiletries.  Interestingly, Keefe calls him by the formal "Brother Kelvin."  He isn't sure that he wants a romantic relationship with this guy who lets him suffer in a tiger cage instead of saying "Game's over! Let Keefe out!" and calling security if the God Squad resists.  But Christ-Keefe doesn't even suggest release; instead, he advises Kelvin that he's as powerful as Eli, just as Jesus was as powerful as his Father.  

Beauty and the Beast:  In church, Jesse announces that Eli was gunned down while driving on Long Point Road. Trivia note: This is a real road in a suburb of Charleston.  It leads past the Seacoast Church, a megachurch that closely resembles the Salvation Center. 

Afterwards, the family is at their post-church dinner at Jason's Steakhouse, when Kelvin arrives, wearing a dark purple robe, carefully holding his glass of orange drink. 

They yell at him for not being around late;y, but he isn't ready to show himself in public yet. "I am a beast!"  Jesse quips that the robe makes him look like the beauty from Beauty and the Beast.

Next they argue over who will fill the power vacuum left by Eli's absence, until Martin has had enough: "Can't you just be kind to each other? Self-absorbed, loud, arrogant fucking assholes."  That's about the size of it.

Kelvin agrees:"Y'all are a bunch of a-holes."  Jesse points out that he was talking about "you, too, dick-lips."  The term refers to lips that would be especially nice to have sex with: a call-back to the glory hole scene earlier, and yet another reference to Kelvin being gay.  

The Return of Baby Billy: After scenes where Judy promises to become a better person and Gideon announces that he's leaving to take a stunt job, BJ and Tiffany track Baby Billy's movements from his credit card statement.  He's in Winston-Salem, spending money at Sbarro, Bojangles, Tommy Hilfinger, Aeropostale, and the Fossil Watch Store.  Trivia alert: the dates were all in mid October, 2022. This episode aired on February 13, 2022.  

Tiffany can sound out most of the words; apparently BJ has been teaching her to read.  He has become a father figure. 

In Winston-Salem, Baby Billy is recording a commercial for his new scam, a coconut-flavored health elixir that will cure every disease, even COVID.  Dude, that's false advertising, a criminal offense. On his way out of the studio, BJ, Judy, and Tiffany accost him.  First he tries to hide; then he claims that he was trying to make money to support Tiffany and their son; then he assaults BJ and runs away. 

Jesse's Plan:  After discussing the possibility of blowing up Junior's house and having a heart-to-heart with Martin, Jesse reveals to the siblings his new plan: he'll tell the congregation and the news media that Eli is recovering, and give them his hospital and room number, so the listening Cycle Ninjas will know to where to strike again.  Except Eli won't be there: Jesse will clear the hospital and lay in wait, ready to gun them down. Can you really clear an entire hospital? The siblings think that it's a crazy idea, but he talks them into it: "Let's lie to the church like a fucking family." 

Cut to the ambulances and army jeeps moving Eli to the safe house. Which happens to be his own mansion; is that wise?  Judy, Amber, and the kids join him.

On the third day he rose from the dead:  Meanwhile, Keefe sneaks back to the God Squad compound and tells Keefe: "I'm busting you out of here."  

Wait. When Eli visited, Keefe was already in the tiger cage.  Then he was shot, and they announced that he was in a coma in the Sunday service.  IT'S SUNDAY AGAIN!  Has Keefe been in that cage for over a week?  That would be inconceivably brutal.  Besides it wouldn't fit with the Christ motif: Keefe has to descend "into hell" on Friday, and get resurrected on Sunday.   I think there is a problem with the show's continuity

"Are we taking back the house?" Keefe  asks.  I'd be asking a lot more than that, just before I called the police and my lawyer.

"We are ejecting," Kelvin answers. "We'll move in with the rest of the family in the safe house." They run hand-in-hand through the yard to freedom. 

This is a significant scene: Kelvin admits that Keefe is a member of the family, and invites a public display of affection that establishes them as a romantic couple.  A scene ago he yelled at Keefe for trying to hold his hand.  Now he initiates it.  

Question: Keefe is wearing only a jockstrap.  Where do they intend to find clothes? Kelvin had to move their stuff out of the master bedroom suite,  but it would still be in the house, right?  

Pizza and Cycle Ninjas:  
At the safe house, Keefe goes to work on embedding himself into the family.  First he advises Kelvin to visit his father (and calls him Brother instead of the formal Brother Kelvin).  Then he tries to distract Jesse's kids from the crisis with what he thinks are funny stories.  While they are eating pizza, he notes that as a young boy, he often had pizza for every meal, even for dessert. That's not funny, it's sad.  Where were your parents? 

They are not impressed. 

We cut to Kelvin visiting the comatose Eli.  He admits that the God Squad was kind of dumb, but he just started it to make Eli proud. And invite a lot of musclemen to the steam showers.  He prays, promising to "never succumb to hubris again" if  God heals Eli.  And Eli speaks!  A miracle! The end.

Oh, right, we still have 15 minutes to go.  Jesse, the men in the family, and the mercenaries waiting in the cleared hospital.   Four Cycle Ninjas appear, armed with rifles. One is shot, and the others flee.  Jesse follows, knocks a second off his motorcycle, and shoves a taser up his butt, enacting an anal rape. Gideon chases and subdues the others.  The end.

Nude Shaun Lynch and Jonathan Bennett on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Letterkenny: On a Scale of One to America, How Homophobic is Small-Town Canada?


I heard that the Canadian sitcom Letterkenny was "quietly queer," with a variety of pansexual characters whose shenanigans were "no big deal."  It's apparently about a small town where "there's not a lot going on," sort of like Corner Gas, except the dialogue goes extremely fast, and the accent is incomprehensible without subtitles.

Scene 1: Two hunks (Dylan Playfair, Andrew Herr, below)) drop off their girlfriend at a farm, where a fruit stand is staffed by the tall, stone-faced Wayne (Jared Keeso, left) and his friend.

Wayne's friend jokes that the hunks are actually women.  Ugh!  Why is being like a woman an insult?  What's wrong with women?   They counter by "accusing" Wayne of being gay.  Ugh!  This is "quietly queer"? Only 30 seconds in, and I'm sick to my stomach.  

They continue to insult Wayne, claiming that his girlfriend dumped him because he was too wimpy to fight.  They take off their shirts to challenge him (sigh...I'd challenge them to something...).  

But instead of fighting, he criticizes their threat-technique and treasure trails (line of hair leading from the belly to the crotch): "You look like a 12-year old Dutch girl."  Why does having a treasure trail make you feminine?  I don't get it.

Girlfriend returns and tells them to put their shirts back on. They leave. She's dating them both?

Wayne breaks the fourth wall and tells us: "It's a hard life, pickin' stones and pullin' teats, but it sure beats fightin' fellas with treasure trails."  I had to read that several times to figure out: he's given up professional fighting to become a farmer.

Scene 2: Wayne, his friend (Darryl), and the girl (Katy) at breakfast.  They criticize Wayne's girlfriend, who dumped him: "she made you soft.  You're not even fighting anymore."  Then they suggest that he should rebound with "sex.  With a girl."  

He storms out.  Katy follows to suggest meeting someone on Tindr. If you like someone, you just say "On a scale of one to America, how free are you right now?"  Huh?

The hunks arrive.  Katy wants to know why Wayne hates them so much: "Because they would grab a monkey by the teat if they could." Huh?

Scene 3:  Wayne, Daryl, Katy, and a hefty bearded guy (Squirly Dan?)  at the produce stand. Squirly Dan tells a story about how they fought some dudes with a Confederate flag on their truck, and Dan got a taser on his nipple ring.  Why are people driving around Canada with Confederate flags?  It was a rebellion against another country.

Scene 4:
 Wayne and his friend Daryl go the bar and drink.  While Wayne is in the bathroom, he runs into McMurray (Dan Petronjevic, left)  Sigh!  I'd challenge him to something...

McMurry criticizes the new boyfriend of Wayne's ex for being feminine.  I'm getting really tired of these retro "being like a woman is despicable" slurs. 

He makes a face to demonstrate how girly the guy is, but Wayne won't look over while they're at the urinal.  He might see a man's penis and be traumatized for life!

Alexander comes in and stands at the urinal.  He drops his pants to pee (nice butt!)  McMurry criticizes his penis: "like a mushroom in a corn field."

Scene 5: Back in the bar, Daryl invites them to the Burning Bush Christian Youth Group, where he met his girlfriend, "a good Christian girl."  They call him a pervert.  So..,I get that some straight guys think women are vastly inferior to men, but aren't they supposed to want to do sex things with them anyhow? 

Scene 6:  Ontside the church where the youth group is meeting. Some Goth/vampires are dancing.  Inside, Christian youth are mingling.  Daryl's girlfriend tries basic soul-winning on Wayne,'s too disgusting to write about.

She criticizes his proposed use of Tindr to meet girls: "It was originally called Grindr!  It was for gay men to sodomize each other!  They snort drugs off each other's penises -- that have just been in their bums!"  This is quietly queer?  On a scale of 1 to America, I'd call it America-homophobic!  

The preacher start the meeting: "Isn't God the best?  There's almost no one I like more!"  He insults his girlfriend.  Then a band called Salty Treats perform.  The Christian youth start dancing

Wayne is depressed.  He didn't realize that Tindr/Grindr is for gays.  

Scene 7:
Wayne goes outside to "have a dart" (cigarette) and investigate, to see if Tindr/Grindr really exists.  The Goth/vampires, led by Stewart (Tyler Johnstone) notice and conclude that "you've been so agonized by women that you now prefer the company of men. Good for you for doubling down!  Although I didn't peg you for a pipe fitter."  Ancient myth that you "turn" gay because you can't get women. At least they're only mildly homophobic.  

"Who knew that he liked the chutney ferret? Knob jockey!  Backdoor bandit!" Peals of laughter. Whoops, I was wrong.  Way homophobic.  "Rear admiral!  Oklahomo!"  My God, I'm in pre-Stonewall era. 

One of the Goth vampires states that he is gay, and doesn't like the barrage of homophobic slurs.  Head Goth vampire Stewart says "We know, and we support you," but they continue the homophobic slurs until Wayne goes back inside.

Scene 8: Inside, the preacher is playing an Australin didjeridoo.  Wayne notices that most of the boys are looking at muscular torsos on their phones. So they're all gay, and coming to the youth group so they won't be pressured into sex with girls?  Or is it just Wayne's fear that Tindr is for meeting men?  

Scene 9:  After the youth meeting. Wayne, Daryl, and his girlfriend are at the bar.  The Goth/vampires wonder what he's doing with "a fertile" (an anti-woman slur?)  when he is "gay."  Um..she's my friend's girlfriend.  

Two hunks overhear the gay reference, and start with the homophobic slurs; "Looking for love over the rainbow, Dorothy?" And so on ad nauseam.

Wayne storms out.  This story appears to be about calling Wayne gay or a woman, booth reprehensible beings, so he'll get angry and start fighting again.

The new boyfriend of Wayne's ex -- Troy -- comes in, so they turn their attention to him, by calling him a girl, of course: "What a skirt!"  

Scene 10: Outside, Wayne runs into his sister Katy, who tells him about the texts she's been getting all night. "Ur bro is GAY!!! Har-har!"   Only four minutes to go!  I can't take much more of this rabid homophobia!

She reminds him of occasions where she or Darryl was insulted, and he clobbered the offenders.  Now he's suffering the worst insult a man can hear -- GAY!!! -- and he won't fight back?  "I miss the old Wayne." 

A drunk guy comes out to pee, and drops his pants (nice butt).   Troy the Ex Girlfriend's Boyfriend. follows him to take a picture of the butt, then beat him up.  I guess to post the picture and humiliate him?

Wayne approaches.  Troy insults him: "I stole your girl because you couldn't satisfy her."  Dude, you can't steal a girl.  She's not an object.  She gets to decide who to spend time with.  "I've fucked her a lot.  I'll do it in front of you, if you like.  Maybe your sister would like to join us."  

That did it.  Wayne grabs him by the dick and punches him in the face a lot, while Katy praises him for fighting again.  The whole bar comes out to watch. Um...Troy is not fighting back.  that's actually an assault. 

Why no gay "accusations" to finally make Wayne snap?  Because Spencer Maybee (Troy) is a gay ally, and refused to say them?

Scene 11: The hunks drop off Katy after another date, but this time they treat Wayne with respect. The end.

Beefcake: Lots.

Subculture of Violence: Violence is an appropriate way to solve personal conflicts.

Sexism:  Women are objects.  The preacher actually refers to his girlfriend as "it."  Being called a woman is the worst possible insult.

Homophobia.  Wait -- no, being called gay is the worst possible insult.

My Grade:  I need a shower.  Next I'll watch something a little more gay-friendly, like a Jerry Falwell sermon.

Scream Queens: Glen Powell and John Stamos compare dicks at a sinister hospital. And there's a serial killer. And some butts


I was recommended Glen Powell's shower scene in Episode 2.2 of the horror-comedy Scream Queens.  I watched ten minutes of the first episode when it premiered in 2015, and turned it off, but for a shower-scnee, why not give it another chance?

Link to NSFW version

The premise: this is a genre-bending horror-comedy about a serial killer stalking co-eds, all named Chanel, with the headmistress played by Jaime Lee Curtis, the Last Girl from Halloween.  

Scene 1: In the last episode, a swamp monster played by Jeremy Batiste killed a patient at the C.U.R.E. Institute, where "the incurable are curable." Wait, I thought we were at a college. The cop is not impressed, and thinks that Outcast Chanel did it..  Evil Dean Munsch, played by Jaime Lee Curtis, thinks that  thecop  is an idiot.

The other two Chanels also think that Outcast Chanel did it, out of frustration because she's so ugly no one will screw her: "The closest shes gotten to sex is when a bookshelf fell on her."  Why, did it have a book about sex? I don't get the joke.   And jealous because they scored hot dates with the Sleazoid Doctors, Brock and Cascade(Taylor Lautner, top photo, John Stamos).

Scene 2:
 The Sleazoid Doctors and Chanels are interviewing Tyler, played by Colton Haynes, who is covered with large orange tumors, actually not disgusting.  So the Chanels have graduated with nursing degrees, and all gone to work at the Institute, and the headmistress became their boss?  That's not at all unlikely.   

His  regular doctors say that it is incurable, but the Sleazoid Doctors think that  they can remove the tumors with a CO2 Laser.  Except they're too expensive; there aren't any at the center. So just transfer him to a facility that has one.

Scene 3
: A non-Chanel nurse and Chamberlain, played by James Earl, wonder why, if Evil Dr. Munsch was upstairs during the murders, she didn't hear the screams and growling?  She must be in on it.

Last season, she was in charge of a college, and did some crazy shenanigans, but the Chanels foiled her scheme.  Dr. Munsch must have brought them here for revenge, sending the swamp monster  to pick them off one by one. So, what are her qualifications?  All she has is the honorary Ph.D. that the University of Pittxburgh took from Bill Cosby.

Scene 4:  Sleazoid Doctor #1 on his movie date with the Head Chanel. She reveals her favorite hobby: dropping popcorn on the floor, so the fatties feel bad about themselves.  He loves the idea!  

Meanwhile, Orange Boy and Outcast Chanel bond over stories of being the outcast in their cliques. He shows her a picture from before the orange tumors: he was hot!  She vows to get him the money for the CO2 Laser. 

More screaming after the break

John Stamos

Gay boys all but ignored 20-year old John Stamos when he was playing streetwise Blackie on General Hospital (1983-84).  Not many watched soap operas, and his pleasantly slender physique seemed bit too androgynous as Nautilus-toned man-mountains came into style. Besides, he had a girlfriend.

Some started to notice when John starred as aspiring rock star Gino Minnelli on Dreams (1984-85), which aired after Charles in Charge on Wednesday nights.  It offered lots of shirtless shots -- by this time John had joined a gym -- plus buddy-bonding episodes like "Friends" and "Boys are the Best."  But it only lasted for 12 episodes.

After 25 episodes of You Again? (1986-87), playing Jack Klugman's estranged teenage son -- which was switched around so often that no one saw it -- John finally found a place in gay teenagers' hearts in Full House (1987-95) on the TGIF ("Thank God it's Friday) block of kid-friendly Friday-night shows. 

He played Uncle Jesse, who moved in with his brother-in-law Danny (Bob Saget) and another male friend, Dave (Joey Gladstone), to help raise Danny's three daughters after his wife died.  

Alternative families are a standby on tv, but aside from the basic non-heteronormative family structure -- and John's smile -- there was little for gay teenagers to like.

He rarely took off a shirt -- when he did, the moments were mostly cute rather than hot. Only one episode showed him in a swimsuit.

 Nor did the friendships result in much buddy-bonding.  The guys all got girlfriends, and the daughters got boyfriends, and gay people were not mentioned, ever, even though the show was set in gay mecca San Francisco.  

In an Advocate interview, John states that he wasn't really aware that he had gay fan at the time -- "people weren't as out back then."  But he's made up for it since, as one of the most gay-friendly actors in Hollywood, even when depicted in TV Guide.  He played a gay wedding planner in the tv-movie Wedding Wars (2006).  He engaged in a same-sex kiss for charity at the GLAAD Awards.  

When The Office refused to air a joke in which a character pretends to be gay by imagining that he was "in a steam room with John Stamos," the blogosphere assumed that the screen hunk had objected -- but he quickly proclaimed that he had nothing to do with it, he loved the joke, and he would be more than happy to film any attendant fantasy sequence.

N.C. Wyeth: Keeping Gay Desire Hidden

During the first half of the twentieth century, kids who got adventure books as presents, or checked them out of the library, were sure to find beautiful illustrations by N.C. Wyeth (1882-1945), like this naked warrior in a biography of Charlemagne.

The American regionalist illustrated over 100 books, including The Last of the Mohicans, Treasure Island, Kidnapped, Robinson Crusoe, The Yearling -- just about everything that boys read for pleasure during that era, making him as famous as Norman Rockwell or J.C. Leyendecker.

He also drew hundreds of magazine covers, advertisements, patriotic images, and murals, as well as a repertoire of 1,000 paintings.

N.C. (Newell) Wyeth belonged to the Brandywine School, known for its dependence on bright, vivid colors, realism to the point of grotesqueness, and serious, ponderous themes.  He frequently offered beefcake images -- two or three pictures in nearly every book display the interplay of muscles on a bare torso or nude backside.  But with two odd quirks:

1. N.C.'s nude men are almost always obscured, their faces hidden or their bodies engulfed in shadow, as in the illustrations from The White Company (left) or The Mysterious Island (below). It's as if displaying the face and physique together would be too dangerous, give too much voice to secret desires.

2. They are almost always in conflict, wrestling, fighting, attacking, subduing or being subdued, as in this illustration from Drums. It's as if he feared what would happen if two men approached each other in respect, friendship, or love.

In real life, N.C. was nothing like his stolid, stable, respectable illustrations would suggest.  He was an aesthete, a gourmand and a bon vivant, who held court in his house in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania and summer home in Maine, partying with all of the greats of the Jazz Age, including Lillian Gish, Charlie Chaplin, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and gay novelist Hugh Walpole.  

More after the break

DH Lawrence and the Naked Cornish Farmer

D.H. Lawrence (1885-1930) was the darling of the grad English students when I was at Bloomington, maybe because he was more accessible than James Joyce or T.S. Elliot, but still Great Literature, and he wrote about sex.

A lot.

The heterosexual girls seemed to gravitate toward Lady Chatterley's Lover (1926), a Harlequin Romance with bad words.

The heterosexual boys liked Sons and Lovers (1913), about a boy who is in love with his mother.

No one ever mentioned Women in Love (1920), and I hadn't yet seen the 1969 movie starring Oliver Reed and Alan Bates (top photo).

Turns out it's about two sisters who become involved with a gay couple.  Actually they're all bisexual.  One of the men dies, and the other is told, "There can't be two kinds of love."

Aaron's Rod (1922) is about a flutist who leaves his wife and kids to go to Florence with his boyfriend and show his "rod" to men and women.

Lawrence was rather critical of heterosexual romance, Instead spinning wild fantasies of all-male Arcadias.

But he also created horribly homophobic characters, and criticized Walt Whitman for his gay subtexts in Studies in Classic American Literature. 

D.H. Lawrence had several same-sex relationships, notably with a farmer named William Henry Hocking, whom he apparently encountered naked on the beach in Cornwall.  He spent the rest of life searching for someone as perfect, just as Ernst Josephson spent his life searching for the "beautiful boy with a violin" he met in Norway.

But he also warned writer David Garnett against pursuing his "homosexual tendencies," and he hated the gay men he met in the Bloomsbury Group, such as Duncan Grant and John Maynard Keynes; they made him "mad with misery and hostility and rage."

Do you get the impression that this guy was a little nuts?

He tried his hand at painting, and exhibited 25 works at the Warren Gallery in London in 1929.  But they were mostly of nude Italian men with their penises flapping around, including his lover Piero Pini.

The police raided the gallery and seized 13 paintings. They were later returned, on the condition that Lawrence never again show them in England.   When his wife, Freda Lawrence, died in 1956, she willed them to her friend Saki, who willed them to Taos art collector George Sahd.  They're in Taos, New Mexico today.

Priest of Love (1982) stars gay actor Ian McKellen as D.H. Lawrence, Graham Faulkner in a five-second flashback as a nameless Cornish farmer, and Massimo Ranieri (left) as Piero Pini.  It displays his bisexuality in a couple of "you have to be looking for it" scenes.

Feb 29, 2024

My job as an athletic trainer


When I was a kid, I hated sports -- who would willingly submit to having hard round projectiles hurled at them? -- but my parents wouldn't believe me.  "You're a boy!  Boys like sports!" they kept insisting as I unwrapped Christmas presents of basketballs and baseball bats.

Denkmann Elementary School didn't offer gym classes, so they insisted that I choose something from the Parks & Recreations Department "Kids' Sports" program.  So I took judo for three years, stopping only when the dojo moved across the river to Davenport.

Washington Junior High offered a full range of team sports, so they began pushing me toward baseball, basketball, I compromised with wrestling, but dropped out after an unfortunate penis incident during a match. 

When I was about to start tenth grade at Rocky High, home of the Rocks, the litany began again: play a sport, play a sport, play a sport.  With even more urgency, since a boy with an aversion to athletics might be a "swish."  My Dad even forced me to try out for junior varsity football!

Noticing my dismay, my gym teacher, who was also the football coach, came up with another idea.  He asked if I had my Red Cross First Aid certificate.  I did. Then he suggested that I might like a job as an athletic trainer.

What do they do?

1. Run tape measures over athlete's muscular bodies to measure them for uniforms
2. Make sure the cups are snug but not so tight that they squeeze their extra-large sex organs
3. Massage their muscles if they get a cramp
4. Watch them carefully in the locker room after games to make sure they're feeling ok
5. Pass out towels as they walk naked toward the showers.
6. Tape and splint their muscles if they are injured.

Um...there are jobs like that, and not just in gay fantasy novels? Why didn't anybody tell me about this before? Sign me up!

Oh, and you get to watch all of the games from the sidelines.

Well, every job has its drawbacks.  I worked as an athletic trainer through my sophomore and junior years, until my parents insisted that I get a "real job," one that paid in bucks instead of biceps.

I've often wondered why the coach thought of me for the job.  

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