Michael O'Hearn: bodybuilder, barbarian, nude model, backside annihilator.

 

Michael O'Hearn (no connection to Brock O'Hurn) played the bodybuilder who harassed Adam Devine on Workaholics.  Recently he had a gym date with Tony Cavalero: "After an intense couple of weeks of flirting online, we went at it at the gym like true barbarians."

Link to the nude photos 

He specifies: "Tony brings the business in the front and the party in the back, and I don't just mean the hair."  Funny, I always thought Tony was more into oral. But when you have Michael O'Hearn behind you, who's going to say no?

Tony returns the compliment: "Honored to have you annihilate my back!  Such a blast bustin' some smut with you."  How many ways can you make a gym workout sound like sex?

You might not  want to see Mike's first star vehicle, Barbarian (2003): ?An ancient land suffocates in the shadow of evil. A dark lord rules unopposed. One warrior will become legend. He is the Barbarian... the last great warrior king."  Did anyone actually write a script, or did they watch a 1980s sword-and-sorcery movie and say "Here -- act this out."

The Keeper of Time 2004) is more of the same, with characters named Bullrock, Anu, Udo...and Daniel? 

Then Mike moved into comedy, with roles on Workaholics, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Lab Rats, Mighty Meds, and Epic Rap Battles of History.  Plus he performed on two seasons of American Gladiators, the beefcake game show, as Thor and Titan.

But his main career is in bodybuilding and modeling. 4 time Mr. Universe, 7 time Fitness Nake Model of the Year, 470 magazine covers.  Plus the cover model for Topaz romance novels.

More Mike, including his..um...size, on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Jeremy Lerner: Six-pack abs, some costars' bulges and dicks, and a lot of premiere parties for movies he wasn't in

 

Link to the costars' bulges and dicks.

 I stumbled across Julian Lerner while researching someone else. I don't know who he is, but anybody with abs like that gets a profile.

But I don't profile singers. How about some acting roles?

He's in Disney's Descendants: Rise of the Red,  a 2024 movie in which Red, the teenage daughter of the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland, and Chloe, the teenage daughter of her bitter enemy Cinderella, go back in time to meet their mothers as teenagers, to forestall their life-long feud. 

It also stars:

1. Joshua Colley., left, as Captain Hook's son.  I thought Captain Hook was gay. Kid must be adopted.

2. Peder Lindell as Morgana Le Fay's son.

3. Paolo Montalban as King Charming -- Prince Charming after he inherited the throne, get it?  I always thought that was a description, not his actual name.

4. Levin Valyali, left, as the middle-aged Aladdin.

5. Kabir Bery as the teen Aladdin

6. Leonardo Nam as the Mad Hatter's son.  Come on, that guy was too looney to establish a permanent romantic relationship.

7. Anthony Pyatt as the teenage Hades.  

More after the break

Pasolini's Arabian Nights: The less well-known tales told with penises and homophobia

Link to the penises

Between 1971 and 1974, Italian filmmaker Piers Paolo Pasolini produced and directed three adaptions of famous Medieval stories.  The Arabian Nights (Il fiore delle Mille et una Notte) was the last, and the most ambitious, with filming locations in Yemen, Iran, and Nepal.  

If you've seen the other two (The Decameron and The Canterbury Tales), this one will be familiar; most of the same actors, especially Pasolini's lover Ninetto Davoli (left) and his protege Franco Merli, whom he discovered working at a gas station in Sicily.

Some of the same annoying bits as in the previous movies: dozens of people sitting around singing for no reason; lengthy closeups of random people with bad teeth grinning idiotically at the camera; stories that merge into other stories, so you're never sure what you're watching.

Pasolini eschews the more familiar stories, like Aladdin and Ali Baba, to concentrate on Nur Ed Din (Franco Merli, left) who loses his favorite slave girl, and wanders around, crying and having erotic adventures while searching for her.

Inside that story is another, about Aziz (Ninetto Davoli), who depends on his girlfriend for advice on how to win The Girl of His Dreams.  It ends badly.

And a few others.  Prince Tagi (Francesco Paolo Governale) falls in love with a girl through hearing a story about her, but she doesn't like men. So he makes a tapestry in the garden that convinces her to give heterosexual love a try.

A man, Alberto Argentino, tries to save a woman from a demon, but ends up being turned into an ape.

More after the break

Jeremy Renner: A gay serial killer, some gay subtext roles, some homophobia, and a penis

  

Like to the nude photos

I wanted to do a profile of Jeremy Renner, the one-time roommate of Kristoffer Winter, who may or may not have dated my friend Infinite Chazz in West Hollywood.  But there are problems: few nude photos, not much beefcake, and he's extremely homophobic. 

Addressing the rumors that he's bisexual because he was living with a man and a woman, he cursed "they're not f*** true!"  Same thing when he dumped both to move in with Kristoffer Winters, who may or may not have dated my friend Infinite Chazz in West Hollywood: "Believe whatever you f*king want!"

By the way, his favorite movie is the deeply homophobic Braveheart, which he's seen 35 times.  

Jeremy will not be playing a gay character anytime soon -- God help the agent who suggests it! -- but oddly, there are obviously unintentional gay subtexts in some of his movies, beginning with the first, National Lampoon's Senior Trip, 1995: stoner Dags has a buddy.

And A Friend's Betrayal, 1996. He's not the one doing the betraying, but he does have a buddy, Brian Austin Green.

How about a fey vampire who preys on teenage boys in a 2000 episode of Angel?

Or a 2002 biopic of Jeffrey Dahmer, the serial killer who preyed on teenage boys?  Why would the homophobic Jeremy accept such a role?

He gives us some rear nudity in Twelve and Holding, 2005:  "A 12-year old boy and his friends face the harsh realities of death, teenage hormones, and family dysfunction." 100 to 1 the "hormones" mean the 12-year old gets down with a girl.

More Jeremy after the break

Six degrees of Kevin Bacon's penis. With Billy Crudup, Mickey Rourke, and others

 

Link to the penises

I was trying to combine the "six degrees of Kevin Bacon" game, where any actor in any random movie is six movies or less away from Kevin, plus a double-entendre on "bacon" meaning "penis."  

It didn't work, so I'll just post six penises, some of Kevin Bacon, some of his costars.

Born in 1958, Kevin graduated from high school at age 15, attended Bucknell University, and hit the New York theater scene in 1975.  He was in some plays and some New York-based soap operas, and he played one of the fratboy pledges in Animal House, 1978.  You know you saw it, and didn't notice anything problematic.  It was the 70s.

He bulged in the teen slasher Friday the 13th, 1980, but I just saw it recently, and didn't notice.  A few more plays, including Forty Deuce, which won him an Obie, and he was ready for fame in the angst vehicle Diner, 1982, with Steve Guttenberg, Mickey Roarke, and Daniel Stern.

Penis #1: Actually Mickey Rourke's.

Footloose, 1984, is an icon of the 1980s generation, where televangelists like Jerry Falwell were calling down God's wrath on America for such sins as teen pregnancy, the Equal Rights Amendment, and homa-sekshusl: a conservative preacher has banned dancing in his small town.  I didn't see it, but there's a buddy-bonding gay subtext between Ren and Willard (Kevin, Chris Penn) in the play.

White Water Summer, 1987: Kevin plays a sadistic wilderness guide who almost sends Sean Astin to his death.  But there aren't any girls in it, at least.

Kevin shows his butt in He Said, She Said, 1991, a romance with the gimmick of showing every scene twice, from his and her point of view.

Another butt in Pyrates, 1991, which is not about pirates.  The hetero couple starts fire when they have sex.  

That reminds me of an old joke, either from Talulah Bankhead or Elvira, Mistress of the Dark: 

Guy: "Do you smoke after sex?"

Talulah/Elvira: "Darling, I don't know.  I never looked."

More after the break

Advertising Movies on Amazon Prime: It's Heteronormativity All The Way Down

 

Have you ever noticed that movie/tv icons on streaming services are over-loaded with heteronormativity? The heterosexual is privileged to such an extent that nearly every icon shows a man and a woman together, even if they  aren't lovers in the movie or tv series.  

I checked the first 30 icons displayed under "Your Recommendations" or "We Think You'll Love These" on Amazon Prime.   47% showed a man and a woman or two women together, including The Lake, which stars a gay man.  You'd never know from the two women in his life.

17% depicted a group, including With Love, which has a gay couple that you'd never notice.

17% featured two women together, including The Boys, which is about boys.

13% no humans

10% featured one woman by herself, including The Wheel of Time, which could have shown this buddy-bonding scene insted.

10% one man by himself, with his body usually obscured or dissolving.

And only one, 3%, two men together, Frank of Ireland.  They are not standing side by side, or even looking at each other.

Workaholics Episode 4.13: "Do you think the guys having sex upstairs might be gay?" With bonus bear cocks

Link to bonus bear cocks

 Workaholics Episode 4.13, "Friendship Anniversary," is an excellent illustration of heteronormativity, the assertion that heterosexual desire, behavior, and identity are universal human experience, and LGBT people do not exist, or at least there are none here.   

You ask a new female acquaintance if she has a boyfriend, forgetting that she could be a lesbian. 

The teacher tells the class, "If you boys got your minds off girls, you'd get better grades," forgetting that some of could have their mind on boys.

TV viewers insist that a same-sex pair cannot be gay unless they actually say so on screen.  Otherwise everything they say and do is what heterosexuals say and do. "So they hold hands. Can't a straight guy hold his buddy's hand?"

The Dude Husbands: After a scene where the guys, Anders, Blake, and Adam, play American Gladiator,  they discover that they have been living together for seven years, so they are "common law husbands."  To celebrate their anniversary, Blake gives them homemade gifts: seashells on Ders' headphones and macaroni on Adam's weight belt, ruining them!  Ders serves horrible Norwegian food hidden in a bait-and-switch KFC box.  They argue, have a food fight, destroy each other's stuff, and criticize Adam's weight: "You're a chubby bitch, as fat as John Candy and not half as cool."  Finally they break up. Everyone leaves the house.

Blake's Night:  Crashing with his work friend, Jillian, Blake has a fun evening planned: beer, listening to the Yin Yang Twins (a rap duo), and "artsin' and craftin'"  But she's engrossed in a dog show on tv (that she is betting a lot of money on).  He makes her a "thanks for letting me stay here" gift, arts-and-crafting her favorite dress, ruining it. Plus he makes fajitas with sour cream, enraging her (that's a little harsh, girl). 

Jillian puts him to bed in the bathtub, and when he casually mentions that she is acting crazy, goes ballistic: "We leave the shower on and the lights off."  

Ders' Night: Apparently he has no credit cards to get a hotel room, and no friends, so Ders tries to sleep in the back seat of his car.  He hears some teens drinking beer at the play station in the park -- after hours!  He tells them to scram, but they just make fun of him, so he gives them an ultimatum: they have to be gone by the time he finishes taking a dump, or he's calling the cops. 

Once he gets into the porta-a-potty, the teenagers knock it over, dousing him with a flood of blue toilet water

Adam's Night: He goes to a bar to drink and look for friends who won't reject him for being overweight.  It turns out to be a gay bear bar. He comes on too loud and too strong for the first guys he approaches: "50 beers for my new friends, who I love now!"  When Trevor (Stephen Kramer Glickman) calls him a "rowdy little bear cub," he insists on a full-body bear hug, and accepts an invitation home. Heteronormativity: Adam has no idea that these guys are gay, or that he has agreed to a hook-up.

At home, they go right to bed.  When Trevor presses his hard cock against him, Adam thinks that it's just morning wood, and congratulates the guy for being so virile.  Trevor starts to go downtown, but Adam reveals that he just broke up with a partner of seven years, like a few hours ago.  A rebound hookup woud be a bad idea; Trevor announces that he's going to masturbate in the bathroom instead. Heteronormativity again: a guy climbs in bed with you naked and presses his hard cock against you, but same-sex desire does not exist, so you must find a heterosexual explanation.

The guys start texting but change their minds, look for texts from their partners, and are miserable. 

The Rat Catchers: The next day, they have cordoned off their cubicle, and aren't speaking to each other, except to brag about how great their nights alone were and criticize their performance as husbands.  They decide to go back to the house, split up the security deposit, and part forever.

Except the house is overrrun with rats.  They have to get rid of them, or they won't get the security deposit back.  They try various gross and unhygeniec strategies which allow each to use his skills: Anders' organizational ability, Blake's arts-and-crafting, and Adam's muscles.  Afterwards, although they are splattered with rat blood and will probably die of rabies, they realize that they enjoyed the adventure, and decide to stay dude husbands. 

Another Anniversary Dinner:  They celebrate being dude husbands with real KFC.  Each tells the others how much he loves them, with lots of queer codes. Blake: "If I ever get a lover, she'll have go to with you guys first."  Adam admits that he's a bit overweight, but Blake says "I'll take you as you are."  

Adam's hookup from last night, Trevor, found a new guy, and they're going to go upstairs and f*k.  He tells the guys that they can come up, too, or they can stay downstairs and f*k if they prefer.  What is he doing there? Did Adam accidentally invite him over for a sex party?

As Trevor and his hookup make loud sex noises upstairs, Adam says "I'm getting a little gay vibe from him."  The others agree.  Blake: "Whatever. Let's eat." Over-the-top heteronormativity: Guys state that they're going to have sex, and demonstrate, and you get a "little gay vibe"

See also: Robert Oberst's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 1

Bonus bear cocks on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends