Gemstone Season 1 Memes: Kelvin bottoms, Gideon falls in love, and Keefe checks for semen loads

 

This is a series of memes -- jokes -- featuring Kelvin and Keefe of The Righteous Gemstones, their friends, and a few random nude hunks.  Most don't require you to have any background knowledge of the show

Link to the random nude hunks

1. Big Vic.  

His biceps aren't so big, but...

2. Kelvin and Keefe meet on Grinder. 

PreacherKid28: Hot dick pic!

BabyQueef: Thnks. You got a dick pic?

PreacherKid28: No, but I'll take one now.  Like it?

BabyQueef: Nice.  You a bottom or a top?

PreacherKid28: Top.

3. A top

4. It's just random, not trying to tell you anything.

Kelton: Why do I have to be homophobic in my first scene?  Viewers will hate me.

Danny: We need an excuse to reveal that Jesse has gay friends.

Kelton:  But why now?  Gideon won't show up for a long time. This is right ater the first scene between Kelvin and Keefe.

Danny: Oh, is it?  I hadn't noticed.

5. I like your outfit too, girlfriend

More memes and some cocks after the break.

Arabic and Class Rings: Cruising at West Point during my junior year of high school

Link to the nude photos

It's the beginning of my junior year in high school, time to register for the ACT and the SAT, the college entrance exams.  But my parents are vehemently opposed to the idea of college.

They can't afford it.

It's unnecessary -- I'm already smart enough to go to work in the factory.

It's un-Christian, full of Catholics and atheists.

But I've been insistent, littering the house with catalogs and brochures, and finally Dad gives in:  "Ok, you can go to college, as long as it's Olivet.  Or West Point."

A dull, Sunday school-like Bible  college on the prarie or the U.S. Military Academy?  "I understand why you want me to go to Olivet," I tell him, "But why West Point?"

"I'll tell you why: full tuition, room and board, plus a stipend.  All you have to do is sign up for five years of active duty afterwards."

"Five years in the Army!  That sounds awful!"

Dad's eyes narrow.  "I was in the Navy for four years.  It was the best time of my life.  A real man's world.  You don't know what real friends are until you've fought side by side."

"Um...a man's world?  Real friends?"  I imagine sitting in class surrounded by hunky collegiate athletes, the cream of the crop, the most muscular in America, stripping down next to them in the locker room, sleeping beside them in the dorms...  "But...um... I'm not big on military science.  I want to major in Arabic."

"They have Arabic," Dad says, leafing through the catalog.  "And Chinese.  You can major in both, if you're that into languages.  Plus, it's only an hour from Manhattan.  You like all that Broadway musical stuff, right?"

Arabic, Broadway musicals, and army hunks?  It wouldn't hurt to apply....

The application process begins during your junior year, with the SAT, a medical exam, and a physical fitness test: push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups, a 400-yard dash, a mile run, and a basketball throw (you don't actually have to make a basket).

In April, I receive a letter stating that I've passed the first set of requirements.  Now I have to get a nomination from my Senator, Representative, or the President of the United States.

No problem: I already know Tom Railsback,  the representative from the 19th district for as long as I can remember.  He is a local boy, and a counterculture hero, having drafted the articles of impeachment against President Richard Nixon.

He says that there are four guys in the 19th district asking to be nominated, the most in a decade.

Just to be on the safe side, I approach our senator, Charles H. Percy, too, even though he's a Republican and I'm a staunch Democrat.

In June, my acceptance into the official applicant pool arrives.  Now I have to fill out some more forms, submit some letters attesting to my moral character, get a psychological evaluation, and come in for an interview.

 "More hoops to jump through, just to join the army!" I complain.  "You know, Olivet offered me a scholarship, and I'll bet I could get one at Augustana, too."

"Do they offer Arabic?" Dad asks. 

I keep silent and continue the application process.

The psychological evaluation is  administered by the school counselor: MMPI, with several questions designed to weed out the gay prospects, some blatant ("I am attracted to members of my own sex") and some keying into gay stereotypes ("I am closer to my mother than to my father.").

This actually comes as a relief.  I have not yet figured "it" out, and I am immersed in the homophobic Evangelical subculture.  I am literally afraid of gay men. If a feminine guy appears on tv, I leave the room..  No way could I go to any college that allows gays in!

Admissions interviews are being held in Chicago and Des Moines. but Dad insists that we go to West Point itself, so I can see how great it is.

In July, we leave Mom and my brother and sister visiting our family in Indiana, and drive out with my Uncle Paul: twelve hours on the highway, a very long trip even with the three of us sharing the driving.  Then a day at West Point, and another very long day driving back.

The campus is very beautiful, stately Gothic architecture on a bluff overlooking the Hudson River.  Some of the buildings date from the Revolutionary Era.

 But soon I notice some problems:

Arabic is no longer offered as a major.  You can take two years of classes while you major in something else.

The full story, with nude photos, some explicit, is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

"I Heart Arlo": Gay Alligator Boy in the Big City?

 

Arlo is a 15-year old alligator-boy who grew up in the swamps of Louisiana, but now lives in Seaside, New York.  He has a Southern accent that keeps slipping away, a penchant for bursting into song, the innocent joie-de-vivre of Spongebob Squarepants, and the friend-making obsession of Casper the Friendly Ghost.  Most of the episodes in I Heart Arlo (2021) involve Arlo trying to help a friend who is facing a crisis:

From left to right:

1. Alia, an irresponsbile tiger-girl, struggles to hold down a job.

2. Marcellus, a grumpy fish-man, tries to profit financially from other people's problems.

3. Tony, an Italian rat, doesn't want his parents to find out that he runs a pizza place instead of being a gangster.

4. Furnecia, a drag queen furball, is so stressed from working overtime at her hair salon that she begins losing her hair.

5. The giantess Bertie (not shown) wants "a room of her own," but every refuge she finds soon gets overrun by her friends.

Arlo also has problems of his own: he sheds his scales, causing his friends to think he is a ghost; he gets sick with "swamp itch"; he tries to relate to his estranged father, a wealthy bird-man (Vincent Rodriguez III of My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend).

Vincent Rodriguez III is gay, of course.  So are Michael Woodard (Arlo), Mary Lambert (Bertie), Jonathan Van Ness (Furlecia), and Ryan Crego (the executive producer).  

Their Seaside community is built on friendship and acceptance of nonconformity, gender and otherwise.  When Dad finds Arlo wearing a dress, his only concern is that he will need a new pet name.  How about "Pumpkin"?

In the episodes I watched, no one expressed any heterosexual interest.  Or any same-sex interest, for that matter.  Romance does not appear to exist in this world.

Some reviews have suggested that, in addition to the general acceptance of difference, Arlo is gay, and his earlier movie (Arlo the Alligator Boy) a coming-out story.  What about his lack of expressed same-sex interest?  They explain that he is a kid, too young to have sex.

I've heard that one before: boys can gaze in awe at the girl next door a decade or more before they hit puberty, but you can't be gay unless you are sexually active. It's nonsense.  Gay boys have crushes in kindergarten.   For a fictional character to be identified as gay, they have to say or do something that indicates an experience of same sex desire.  Arlo doesn't.

However, lots of kids are nonbinary, transgender, asexual, aromantic, or simply gender-noncomforming.  They can respond message of radical inclusion rather than alienation and rejection, regardless of whether Arlo actually dates anyone.

Daniel Cudmore: Colossus, Felix, fitness model, and the God of War. Plus his colossal Colossus cock.

Link to the colossal Colossus cock

Canadian actor Dan Cudmore has 51 credits on the IMDB, including Peter Rasputin, aka Colossus, in the X-Men franchise, Felix in the Twilight franchise, Jackhammer in Arrow, Gridlock in The Flash, and Behemoth Thing in Superman & Lois.

He specializes in superheroes and supervillains like Colossus, but he's done other projects.  I first saw him in Magicians, as the God of War.  Apprised that a gay-stereotype god called the Nameless is looking for something the other gods stole from him, he responds "I don't know what it is, but you have my permission to search my ball sack with your tongue."  Sure, that sounds like fun, I'd be happy to...oh, you're being homophobic.

I know he's just playing a character, but still, his homophobic quip left a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak.

His other projects include comedies like Fresh Off the Boat, romcoms like All of My Heart (as the romantic lead's friend who devotes his life to getting him laid, and horror like Rites of Passage, which appears to have a gay subtext -- not his. 

Also 14 stunt credits including Psych, The Predator, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

And a stunt cock at least once.

Some fitness modeling from early in his career

More Daniel after the break

Van Helsing: A single mom, a military guy, and some vampires face a zombie apocalypse

  

#5 in the new crop of paranormal tv shows on Netflix: Van Helsing.  You may recall that Van Helsing is the vampire hunter gunning for Dracula in many renditions of the myth.  Here a female Van faces a vampire apocalypse, where the fanged have taken over the world in wake of a supervolcano eruption.  Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me, either, so I'm starting with Episode 2, where we see the start of the apocalypse.

Scene 1: Seattle, 2016.  Men in suits crossing streets at high-speed, reminiscent of Koyaaniqatsi, "life out of balance."  Van getting blood drawn; the phlebotomist, Aidan Kahn, flirts with her, then asks her out.  She rejects him. You could do worse, girl.  Out in the waiting room, her preteen daughter is watching the news: a volcano has erupted in Wyoming. 

Uh-oh, turns out that Van is not giving blood, she's so desperate for money that she's selling it.

The phlebotomist brings the bags of Van Blood to the store room.  A vampire has broken in, and is emitting "feral growls."  But it doesn't attack him.  No fair!  A vampire story has to have somebody bitten on the neck!

Scene 2: The vampire sits in a car parked under the freeway, sniffing and slurping its blood bags. It pants, roars, and explodes!  So Van Helsing blood makes vampires explode?

Scene 3: A vampire Bigwig, Dmitri -- Paul Johansson -- tells his group that they have survived only because of the shadows.  But: "The mystery of existence is not only in staying alive, but in finding something to live for."  Wait, the last vampire was feral, like a zombie.  

Turns out that the exploding was a misdirection -- the feral vampire just threw up.  And the feral part was a misdirection, too.  He's perfectly civilized, just an addict.  He arrives with a metal suitcase, which contains "Everything you asked for," presumably blood, and complains that he's not feeling well.  They taste his blood: he's turning human!  

This has never happened before, but it is terrible news, a threat to all vampires, and must be stopped before it's too late.  Without apocalyptic urgency, be lousy story.

Dmitri comes close and hugs the courier with homoerotic tenderness, singing about how he is "my love, my family," but he's actually planning to eat him.  The vampire Balthezar is assigned to find the source of the tainted blood.

Scene 5: In a coffee shop, single Mom Van assures her daughter that the volcano is nothing to worry about, because it's "100 miles away in Wyoming."  Look at a map, writers -- more like 1,000.  Besides, they have a birthday party to get home for. Then why stop for coffee?

They point out the black ash falling outside the window

Scene 6: Back to their horrible, run-down apartment.  Next door neighbor Tommy is just leaving after beating up his girlfriend, who asks Vanessa to not say anything. But she decides to pummel him anyway.  Girl, with those pummelling skills, you could get a job as a bodyguard or bouncer easily.

Inside the apartment, they have what I guess is a touching mother-daughter romp. Deadbeat Dad Gary face-times them.  He's played by Kirby Morrow, who died in 2020 after a long struggle with alcohol addiction and mental illness.

Deadbeat Dad cancels Daughter's trip to visit him in Denver.  She notices a pink purse behind him, but doesn't conclude that he's secretly a drag queen.   Mom concludes that he's ditching his daughter for "a hookup with some random skank." While they are fighting, Daughter grabs her teddy bear and hides in the closet. 

The girlfriend from next door wants to hookup, but Van says it's Daughter's birthday, so no thanks.  Is there a point to any of this?

Daughter is still hiding in the closet.  Carrying the birthday cake, Van snoops around, looking for her The scene is choreographed like a psycho-slasher movie. 

Is Van going to turn vamp and kill her daughter?  No, Balthazar the Vampire has discovered that she has the tainted blood, and has come to kill her.  Their fight takes about five minutes of screen time.  I'm fast-forwarding.

Wait --Van is killed.  But I thought she was the star of the show?  

More after the break

Zev A.: Tony's gym boyfriend, Phuket diver, grandson of a Hollywood legend. With Phuket penises

  

Tony announces that he has recruited a new God Squad member.  He probably means a gym buddy, or gym boyfriend, or gym buddy that he treats like a boyfriend.

  Link to the nude dudes

He's Zev, an  EMT, divemaster with the American Divers of Phuket, baseball player, and bodybuilder.   I wonder if he can attest to the veracity of that "Cowboys Do It Better" cap.

Zev is a civilian, with no acting credits.  But his grandfather was Charles Aidikoff (1915-2016), who ran a famous screening room on Rodeo Drive  in Beverly Hills.  Movie stars, producers, and critics came to the 57-seat auditorium to see early versions and works in progress. eat the candy that he provided -- Mars Bars and Red Vines -- and exchange Hollywood gossip.

 

Charlie claims that he screened  50,000 films between 1966 amd 2011, when his grandson Josh took over the screening room. It closed with his death in 2016.

His Facebook memorial page contains photos of him with Betty White, Raquel Welch, Peter Fonda, Danny DeVito, Mel Brooks, Ryan Gosling, Wes Bentley, Ice Cube, King Charles...well, everybody.

But let's get back to Bodybuilder Zev, who grew up in Phuket, the gay capital of Thailand, and now lives in Los Angeles.  Some highlights of his social media pages:

Zev: "The posing room goes hard."  I can see why, buddy.

 "Fitness motivation."  Yours, or ours?

More Zev after the break

"Run the Burbs": A queer daughter, a gay jerk, and the guy from "Kim's Convenience" naked

 

Link to the nude photos

 
If you like chubby guys -- and who doesn't?  -- the Canadian sitcom Run the Burbs  provides more in 20 minutes than most tv series give you in three seasons.  Andrew Phung, best known as the comic-relief Kimchi on Kim's Convenience, plays Andrew Pham, a stay-at-home Dad with a wife who longs to leave her soul-destroying corporate job; a teenage daughter who crushes on girls; and a preteen son who, going against sitcom protocol, doesn't crush on girls.  That's a lot of representation, but I'm holding out for a gay male character.  Bob, played by "openly gay" Gavin Crawford, becomes a regular in Season 2, so I'm reviewing Episode 2.1, "In Phocus" Each episode title in Season 2 has a ph-  replacing an f: "Phamily Ties," "Phresh Start," "Phlash Back."

Scene 1: At some kind of community festival, two women walk past holding hands. Then we see Andrew, wife Camille, and preteen son Leo face-timing their daughter, who is in Paris.  Maybe written out of the show?

When they stop for ice cream, Camille has trouble deciding, and the racist behind her in line sneers that there's no chicken-butter flavor, "so pick a normal flavor or go back to your country."  Dude, look around you.  Almost everybody in that park is Black, Middle Eastern, or Asian, including the ice cream vendor!  You think you're going to get any Rocky Road that way?   

Camille lays him out with unheard profanity that has everyone covering their ears, then applauding.  Andrew brags that she is the "sexiest woman in the world." Well, that was a superheroic response to a microaggression.

Scene 2: Andrew is getting dressed to apply for a job as Rockridge's new Community Development Coordinator.  Meanwhile, Camille is starting a focus group for her new business, Cam Pham Eats, and preteen son Leo hangs out in his sister's bedroom because she's in Paris and can't stop him.  He gets a face-time from his buddy, who invites him to a dead skunk viewing.  

Scene 3: At City Hall, Andrew is told to kiss up to Robin, since she'll be deciding who is going to replace Bob, the retiring Community Development Coordinator.  He'll have a say, too.  "Got it -- make Robin and Bob fall in love with me." Bisexual joke.

Into the interview, with Bad Cop Robin "I hate everything about you!" and Good Cop Bob "You're perfect!" He offers to take them on a walking tour of the improvements he's planning.  Robin: "Absolutely not!" Bob: "I'm in!"

Scene 4: First stop: those little libraries where people get rid of their books. The problem is, they're full of erotics, so Andrew proposes adding an adult section. Robin: "That's a stupid idea!" Bob: "What a wonderful idea!"

Meanwhile, at home, Camille and her assistant have invited her friend who runs the Bubble Bae hangout, her neighbor Hudson (Jonathan Langdon, left) , and her Dad Ramesh, to a tasting session for her new catering business. Shouldn't you have strangers in a focus group?  

They don't like the logo: "Campham," one word, looks like "Camp Ham," and Dad is a conservative Muslim!  But they love the food.

Camille invites her preteen son Leo to be in the focus group, but he's busy: "Going to poke the skunk."  "Um...I don't think you're ready for that." She thinks he means sex, har har

Scene 5: The interview over, Good Cop Bob invites Adam to his office. We see a closeup of a framed photograph: he explains that they are his husband and two kids -- Tina and Turner, har har. After assuring him that "Bad Cop Robin loved you!" and "I like you!", he drops a bombshell: "You're not getting the job."

Say what?  

"I was so inspired by all of your creative ideas that I want to stay on and do more for the community."  People often fail to get the job because they're too good -- "He's a superstar -- he'll make me look bad."

"But don't you want to spend more time with your family?"

"No, I hate them.  The twins are into crypto, and Vance forces me to watch RuPaul's Drag Race.  Aren't families the worst?"  Uh-oh, Family Man Andrew roils.

More after the break

Nhut Le: Gay activist, model, potter, superhero. With a Thai dick bonus

  

Link to Thai dick bonus

1. Vietnamese-American actor Nhut Le (pronounced "Nuh Lee") studied drama at the University of the Arts and honed his comedic skills in the Groundling.  

2, He has 15 credits on the IMDB, including several gay roles, such as Gay #2 on Los Feliz 90027.   

3. He wrote, produced, and starred in Gey Gardens (2018), a gay parody of the tv soap Gray Gardens

4. He played the Judomaster in 4 episodes of the Superhero comedy Peacemaker.  Judomaster is a mean-tempered, spiteful supervillain who is trounced by John Cena's Peacemaker.  

5. Nhu is also a writer, a gamer, and a potter.  

6. The bestsellers on 3CirclePotter, on Etsy, are a sweetheart mug and a ghost face mug.

7. He came to the 2017 San Diego Comics Con as Iceman.

8. Nhut is deeply involved in gay and Asian activism. In 2022, he presented on Diversity in Comics, TV, Film, and Games at Wondercon.

9. He is gay in real life, and currently single. 

10.  He has never been naked on screen, that I know of.  But there are lots of other naked Asian guys out there.

See also:

Zev A: Tony's gym boyfriend, Phuket diver, ball player, bodybuilder, grandson of a Hollywood legend.  With Phuket penises

Pretty Dudes: Gay Asian erasure, Spiderman, a car hookup, and hamburger sex.

"Run the Burbs": They're run by the Pham family, with a queer daughter, a gay jerk, and phine Phung penis.

Walker Satterwhite: Sorry, no movie or tv reviews, just beefcake photos and a Ryan Cooper cock

 

Usually I review the movie or tv show, then look for beefcake photos of the cast.  But in this case I couldn't find the tv show.  It was Day 5, about an epidemic that kills you when you fall asleep.  So, apparently, people try to find ways to stay awake. 

Link to nude photos

Here focus characters Jake, a meth head turned hero (Jesse C. Boyd) and a kid from the neighborhood (Walker Satterwhite) jump into a swimming pool.

They also watch a porno starring the butt of Aaron Marcus

Pilot Aiden (Ryan Cooper) searches for the Sandman's Oasis, where sleep is possible,

Problem: I couldn't find the series. A google search for Day 5 led to Day 6, about the World Athletic Championships, or 6 Days, about a terrorist plot.  I had to search for "Day 5" and "Jesse C. Boyd" to determine that the series appeared on the Rooster Teeth website. Look, I already subscribe to Netflix, Vudu, Hulu, Disney Plus, MAX, and Amazon Prime,  That's enough

Another problem: Since 2016, neighborhood kid Ian Satterwhite has grown up.  He is now over 18, a high school graduate, buffed, and apparently gay.  At least, his Instagram shows him getting chummy with another guy -- a lot. 

I only post beefcake photos if they are connected to a movie or tv review (with an exception for Gemstone alums), so I checked Walker's projects on IMDB.

208 episodes of Junk Drawer Magic, where Walker and his buds show you "crazy tricks using things only from your junk drawer,"  Nope.

Wonderama, "the best in music, dance, DIY, and games for the entire family." Nope.

Schneck and Eck Crack the Case? The No Life Guys? OMG?  Ty the Pie Guy?

That's about it.  I guess I won't be able to post beefcake photos of Walker Satterwhite.  Sorry.

Just kidding.  There are more beefcake photos, plus some nudes, on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

And beefcake photo collections:

Robert Oberst: Two Halloweens, five bulges, and the love of his life: 

Adam Devine: forehead presses, bulging drawers, and Kermit the Frog

Tony Cavalero: Fourth of July bulge, baby bulge, cock Keefe, donut Keefe

Skyler Gisondo: birthday cat, biceps, infinity shirt, and Liberace

Gavin Munn: Gavin with his dog, his boat, Skyler Gisondo, Robert Oberst, and his Dad.

Kelton Dumont: James Dean, Orson Wells, and Bam-Bam Rubble

Eight simple rules for determining if Martin Spanjers is gay

  

Link to the nude photos

Rule 1: Does his character gawk at guys in the shower?

This is a still from Epiosde 3.1 of the  TGIF sitcom Eight Simple Rules (2002-2005).  It was originally Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter, about an overprotective Dad played by John Ritter, but when Ritter died, it became a general family-angst dramedy.  I never watched, but in 2004 you could hardly turn on your computer without seeing Martin Spanjers as the teenage Rory gawking at Sam Horrigan.  

Only Seasons 1-2 are available to stream on Disney Plus, so I don't know what's going on in the scene, except that Rory doesn't want to shower after gym class due to his less than adequate package.  Maybe Sam Horrigan is a high school jock?  

2. Does he play a gay-vague teenager?

Fan consensus is that Rory is one of those gay-vague sitcom kids, soft, shy, pretty, and struggling valiantly to act girl-crazy because on American sitcoms, all teenage boys must be girl-crazy.

3. Does he show his butt on screen?

The next time I saw Martin Spanjers, he was still naked, playing the teenage shapeshifter Sam Merlotte in a 2009 episode of True Blood, about vampires, werewolves, and various other magical beings in rural Louisiana.  When you shift back to human form, you lose your clothes, so he's naked when he breaks into a house looking for food or something to steal.

4. Does he have a gay-subtext role?

The house happens to belong to a maenid (minor goddess) named Maryanne, who naturally wants to have sex with him.  He steals $10,000 on his way out, which causes the adult Sam Merlotte a lot of headaches.  

Although the encounter is heterosexual, we can still see a gay subtext. Sam was thrown out of the house when his parents discovered his "secret," like gay kids ejected by homophobic parents. About 40% of homeless youth are LGBT.

5. Does he avoid roles involving hetero-romance?

After Eight Simple Rules, Martin did the usual guest star bit, appearing on as a barista 90210, a chicken restaurant employee on Good Luck Charlie, a kid accused of killing cows on Saving Grace, a rich boy who the Griffins eat on Family Guy,  Well, he had already frozen to death while trying to climb Mount Everest.

He had minor roles in Just Peck, about teen angst, and Little Fish, Strange Pond, about existential angst.

More after the break

Pain & Glory: An aging director recalls his first crush and first boyfriend, with nostalgia and dicks

   Link to the dicks

For forty years, Pedro Almodóvar has been giving us raucous, irreverent, sometimes funny glimpses into the sexual and social freedom of post-Franco Spain: Bad Education; Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!; A Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown; What Have I Done to Deserve This? He's not exactly a proponent of essentialist gay identity: his gay men are usually there to have affairs with the female focus character, when she's not busy seducing her stepson.  Or maybe she'll seduce her stepson and his boyfriend, or join her sister in having the affair with the gay man.  There will be male nudity, urination, pop culture references, and kitsch. And these aren't comedies. 

Pedro went through similar machinations in his private life, being closeted, then stating that he was bisexual, and finally coming out as gay.  He's been with his partner, Fernando Iglesias, since 2002.

Dolor y gloria, Pain and Glory, is the 74-year old director's swan song, a summary and perhaps a justification of his work, touching on all of his major themes:  "sentimientos, costumbrismo, reencuentros, homosexualidad, sensibilidad, pasión, familia, drogas… "

Almodóvar stand-in Salvador, played by regular star Antonio Banderas, is an aging director, in physical and mental decline.  His chronic pain has kept him from new projects for several years.

Left: A misty memory of Banderas, fully nude in his first film appearance in 1982.

Asked to speak at the restoration of one of his old films, Flavor, he decides to look up the star, Alberto (Asier Etxeandia, left), whom he hasn't seen since the filming.  They had a falling out over Alberto's use of heroin on the set.

While reconciling, and trying heroin himself to ease his chronic pain, he tells the story of his first boyfriend.  

His First Boyfriend:  Director Salvador was in a relationship with Federico, played by Leonardo Sbaraglia, in the 1980s, but ended it due to his heroin use.  

Federico turned out to be one of Almodovar's temporary gay men: he left the "lifestyle" behind, moved to Argentina, married a woman, and had children.

Flavor star Alberto turns this story into a play that draws the attention of the real life Federico.  He returns to Madrid and wants to start the relationship again, but Director Salvador wants to keep the past in the past.

More after the break

Preacher: Tortured former thug and bi vampire compete for the Girl, search for God, show their butts and His dick

  

Another of the new paranormal shows on Netflix, with the standard Netflix one-word title: Preacher.  I've heard of this one: a bleak, gritty series about outcasts in an endless desert, some of whom are gods and demons?

Prologue: A baby in a spaceship zaps through an animated solar system, and lands in Chad, while The Preacher (Irugu Mutu), who wears a clerical collar although he seems to be evangelical,  says "Something's coming."  He  yells about the coming Battle Between Good and Evil.  But they're not afraid, because a Prophet has been foretold.  Then the baby-spaceship zaps into the church and explodes him.  I guess he wasn't the titular Preacher.

Scene 1: A guy covered in scars lies shirtless on the bed, while a little boy promises his daddy, The Preacher (Nathan Darrow, top photo), something that we don't hear, and the background song tells us that "It was the time of the preacher, when the story began. Of the choice of a lady and the love of a man."  That's horribly heterosexist.  Is the paranormal stuff just going to be an excuse for a hetero-romance?

The tattooed guy  stumbles past the bottles of booze indicating that he's a drunand puts on his clerical collar.  This is the third preacher in three minutes: Jesse, played by Dominic Cooper.  Could he be the titular Preacher?

He walks through the wilderness outside of  All Saints Congregational Church.  The sign reads "Open your ass and holes to Jesus."  He changes it to "hearts and souls," so apparently it wasn't intentional.  Darn, I thought he was being rackish. 

By the way, this is TEXAS.  

Scene 2: The horrible, dusty, redneck-ridden town of Annville.  Preacher Jesse  is preaching a sermon on Tom Landry -- a sports person of some sort?  Except he's distracted, he can't read his notes, and the congregation is bored.  1000 to 1 he's mourning a dead wife.

Sermon ends, time for a barbecue in the endless desert.  With beer?  What kind of Christians are these?  A little boy, who may be the kid from The Mick, grabs one and heads past the shootin' range to bring it to Jesse.  He complains that his dad, Donnie (Derek Wilson), is abusive, and asks Jesse to "hurt him."  So this Preacher has magical powers?

No, he just has a violent past, but he doesn't crack heads anymore.  How about counseling?

Scene 3:  An Indian is fighting a guy in a prairie dog suit about who should be the new mascot.

Mayor Miles (Ricky Mabe) gets punched by a girl, so everyone makes fun of him for being a sissy. 

The Redneck Sheriff complains to the drunken Preacher Jesse that the Japanese let a guy marry his own pillow, so civilization has ended.  Hey, that's a homophobic allusion to gay marriage!   Jesse complains about the abusive Donnie, but the Sheriff refuses to investigate.

God's penis and a guy who can do oral and anal at the same time after the break