Apr 9, 2020

Experience the Heart-Pounding Thrills of the Greatest Legend of Our Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"A science fiction event so big it's a phenomenon!!!!! Experience the thrills and heart-pounding suspense of the greatest legend of our time!!!!!!!!!!"

I've read a lot of movie blogs, but this one, from Vudu, wins the prize for over-the-top hyperbole!!!!!!!

I'll bet you are anxious to know what they are selling!!!!!! Lost?  Twin Peaks?  My Favorite Martian? 

Nope, it's The Triangle, a miniseries that originally aired on the Sci-Fi Channel!!!!!! Tbe home of shlock so bad it's not even laughable, like Sharknado and Stonehenge: Apocalypse!!!!!! Hardly a phenomenon: it aired on December 5-7, 2005, aired again in case you missed it the first time, got mixed reviews, and faded into oblivion!!!!!

Ok, I'll stop the gratuitous exclamation points.

And the greatest legend of our time?

The Bermuda Triangle.

A non-mystery of the 1970s based on a 1962 magazine article.  It claimed that a heavily-traveled triangle-shaped region just east of Bermuda was a portal to another universe. Many ships and planes disappear after reporting on strange sights: "Nothing looks right.  Those islands shouldn't be there. The water is green, not white.  What the hell is that?"

It was completely debunked: the region does not have a greater than usual number of missing planes or boats.  The disappearances are ordinary tragedies: ships go down in storms, pilots-in-training get lost.

But during the 1970s, there was a Bermuda Triangle buzz, with many patched-together books rehashing the same tired cases.  And a ton of  schlocky movies (The Bermuda Triangle, Beyond the Bermuda Triangle, The Bermuda Depths).  

Then it faded into oblivion exept for an occasional joke: "I lost my homework in the Bermuda Triangle."

Only to be revived with a horrible movie in 2006, which was revived with breathless exaggeration on a streaming service in 2020.

Aren't you anxious to watch?

The Plot: A disparate group of investigators played by has-been stars is hired to investigate "the mystery." They discover that it's manmade: a secret government installation has been conducting time-travel experiments.  But they manage to go back in time and stop the installation, so that the Bermuda Triangle never existed.  As collateral consequences, they discover that all of their dreams have come true.

Heterosexism alert: most of those dreams involve heterosexual marriage and children.  The investigators are:

Howard (Eric Stoltz, top photo), a paranormal debunker who works for a supermarket tabloid (they debunk paranormal stories?).  After, he is reconciled with his ex-wife, whom, true to tv tradition, he divorced just so they could get back together again.

Bruce (Michael E. Rogers,left) is a "thrill-seeking professor of meteorology"  I don't believe that such beings exist.   After,he gets a wife and kids.

Emily (Catherine Bell), an oceanic engineer of some sort.  After, she gets a boyfriend.

Meeno (Lou Diamond Phillips), a sailor who survived a Bermuda Triangle incident.  After, he has two sons instead of just one.

Two guys have non-heterosexist dreams coming true:

Eric (Sam Neill): a shipping tycoon who wants the mystery solved so he won't lose so many ships.  He also lost a twin brother in the Triangle.  After, they are reconciled. 

Stan (Bruce Davison), an eldery psychic.  He dies but gets revived After.

 Beefcake:  Surprisingly little for people on boats.

Gay Characters: Are you kidding?

My grade: D

1 comment:

  1. Seriously, why does nobody make a movie based on Tunguska while we're hitting these things at the height of their popularity?


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