David Cassidy

The oldest of a show biz family (his brothers are Shaun, Patrick, and Ryan), David Cassidy got his start on The Partridge Family (1970-74), about a family of pop singers who tour the country in a psychedelic bus (Danny Bonaduce played his younger brother). It aired on Friday nights in a block of gay teen "Must See TV," including The Brady Bunch, Room 222, and The Odd Couple.

His character, Keith Partridge, was interested in girls, but never portrayed as a absurdly girl-crazy, like most teenagers on prime-time in the 1970s. And, although pop superstars were presumably dream dates for every girl on earth, Keith frequently encountered girls who disliked pop music, who had never heard of his group, or who simply did not find him attractive. This self-deferential parody, a teen idol who can’t get a date, destabilized the myth of universal heterosexual desire; if some girls are not attracted to Keith, perhaps some boys are.

In “Days of Acne and Roses” (November 1971), Keith teaches a shy delivery boy named Wendell (Jay Ripley) how to date girls. He demonstrates the “yawn, stretch, and arm around” maneuver on Wendell, and then pretends to be a girl so that Wendell can practice his pick-up lines. Keith is remarkably unself-conscious about the physical contact and the mock flirtation, and he is not the least worried about someone overhearing and thinking that he is gay. When most of his fellow television teens recoiled in heart-pounding terror at a buddy’s touch, Keith’s nonchalance seems aggressively gay-friendly.

The teen magazines went wild with shirtless, swimsuit, and towel-shots, revealing David's slim, androgynous body, but in this case they were justified in praising his talent: his music was good.

And gay-friendly.  Songs credited to The Partridge Family (studio musicians except for David and his mother, Shirley Jones) almost entirely eliminated the incessant “girl!” that deadened most bubblegum pop lyrics in the 1970s. In the emblematic “I Think I Love You,” David awakens to the disturbing realization that he is in love:

I just decided to myself, I'd hide it from myself
And never talk about it, and [so I] didn't go and shout it
When you walked in to the room.

Why does he “never talk about it”? Heterosexual teenagers in love do nothing but talk about it. In 1971 I concluded that there must be something more to “a love there is no cure for,” perhaps a love that dares not speak its name.

David’s solo numbers also eliminate almost all gender-specific pronoun or refrainsof “girl!”  For instance in“Where is the Morning,” he laments a failed hookup that could be with either a boy or a girl:

I can’t sleep tonight. I found someone.
You smiled at me and said you were free. And I was alone.

Would you meet me again? 

My friend Derek claimed to have dated him, but David doesn't mention any same-sex relationships in his memoirs, C’mon, Get Happy (1994).

He does graciously acknowledges his appeal to gay boys: “I had a pretty strong gay following. I kind of liked it. Gay publications ran pictures of me; I was named gay pinup of the year by one. I’d get fan letters from gay guys saying things like ‘I can tell by the look in your eyes that you’re one of us.’”

And in a sense, he was “one of us,” an ally, demonstrating that same-sex desire was not only possible, but valid and worthwhile.

David spent most of his later career in Las Vegas, where he wrote songs and performed for audiences of both men and women.  He died in 2017

See also: Derek and the Pop Star.

"It Ends with Us": Not a post-Apocalyptic thriller, a drama about a lady with clunk rings and a hunk named Atlas

    

Link to the n*de photos

It Ends With Us showed up in my Netflix recommendations.  Obviously a post-Apocalyptic movie about the last generation of humanity struggling for survival. The icon shows an elegantly dressed woman talking through her fingers at an elegantly-dressed man, but that must be before society falls apart.

Scene 1: The woman who talks through her fingers in the icon is driving through an autumnal road to a quaint New England town with a sign saying Plethora, Maine.  Maybe the  human race goes extinct due to a vampire outbreak. 

 She stops in front of one of those gigantic "middle class" homes, and hugs and cries with the woman inside.  Geez, she's wearing like a gold ring the size of a baseball on each finger. How will she stake vampires that way?

Wait -- according to IMDB, this isn't about vampires.  It's a drama about domestic abuse!  Why such a misleading title, almost identical to The Last of Us, about survivors of a zombie Apocalypse?

I'm still watching.  I never see dramas, so this will be an adventure in snarky comments. And it will be fun to watch a movie produced by, for, and about straight people, like going undercover in a foreign country.

The lady in the house tells the Finger-Talking Woman -- who has the ridiculous name Lily Bloom  -- that this is her father's funeral (thanks for letting her know!), then criticizes her for taking a job out of town, so she couldn't be by his side every second.  Oh, and she informs Lily that she is her mother. She acts so oddly that I thought she was the housekeeper.  Why would the wife of the dead guy say "your father's funeral" instead of using his name?  

Scene 2: Lily Bloom goes up to her room -- huge, cluttered with girly stuff like pictures of fairies and a ballerina music box.  She brought nothing with her when she moved out?

Mom follows her upstairs to say "He really loved you." Yeah, that's what all abusers say.  "At the funeral, you're going to have to say five things that you loved about him."  Um...er...he was...um...

Left: Dad Kevin McKidd, in 1996. 

Time for the funeral, at city hall, super-crowded -- Dad was the mayor, also a husband and a father.  Give him a medal!  Time for Lily's eulogy, but she can't think of anything, so she steps down from the podium.  Murmur, murmur.  

Scene 3: Back in Boston, Lily sits on the roof of a high-rise apartment building, no doubt planning to jump, but The Man of Her Dreams, Ryle (Justin Baldoni, top photo) bursts in, angry, kicking over chairs.  He joins her on the ledge to discuss how much he hates maraschino cherries.  She wants to know if he is upset over "a woman...or a man."  Acknowledging that gay people exist!  But I'll bet that's all the representation we'll see.  

They exchange job information, which I understand is common for straight people in their first meeting:  Florist, neurosurgeon.  Guess which Lily is. 

Their falling-in-love conversation takes up the next seven minutes of screen time, but they don't make a date for later. Are you sure there won't be any vampires?

Scene 4: Adolescent Lily in her bed,putting flowers into a scrap book. Gratuitous leg shot as she gets up, brushes her teeth, writes in her diary, and puts on her starter set of huge, clunky rings -- well, she couldn't write in her diary with them on, could she?  

Looking out the window, she sees a young man sneaking out of the abandoned house next door and sorting through the garbage for food.  

He gets on her bus!  She gazes in Boy-of-Her-Dreams longing.  Lily's going to have two abusive boyfriends? 

It takes about five minutes of screen time for her to arrange a meeting and get his story: "My Mom kicked me out...because..."  You're gay?  Nope: because she doesn't like him interfering with her boyfriends "beating the shit out of her."  They beat him up, too, but he can't mention it because he's macho.

Lily invites him home to shower and change clothes, and watch Ellen.  A lesbian exists in their world.  He stares at her clunker rings; she criticizes the outfit that she gave him.  So, for straight people, is criticism like flirting?

Scene 5: The adult Lily heads toward the store she's leasing for her new flower shop, while Mom tries to discourage her on the phone: she saw on the internet that "45% of all flowers die."  Just 45% ?

As Lily is cleaning out the old stuff, a woman named Alyssa comes in to ask about the "help wanted" sign.  It's leftover from the previous owner, but Lily might need some help soon: "I'm opening a flower shop." 

"Ugh!  Never mind, I hate flower shops.  They're depressing, full of dying things." 

"You're hired!"  So you get a job by criticizing the job.

Montage of the two bonding over cleaning out stuff, painting, and so on.  

Alyssa's husband Marshall (Hasan Minaj) calls  -- darn, I thought she was a lesbian.  He's across the street with her brother, watching the Big Game, but she drafts him into helping out. 

Ulp: Alyssa's brother is -- Ryle the neurosurgeon!  

They gaze at each other for about three minutes of screen time.  Don't straight people, like, talk?  Finally Alyssa and Marshall get tired of it and suggest a double date.  

Cut to a karaoke bar, with Ryle and Lily trying to ignore their mutual attraction -- they're single adults, what's the problem? --  and Alyssa and Marshall aggressively pushing them together -- they've known Lily for like three hours, why do they care?  After about ten minute of screen time, they kiss.

Scene 6: Adolescent Lily on a picnic with the Abused Guy, whose name is Atlas (Alex Neustaedter).  The Greek god who is holding up the world, not the book of maps. 

Left: Atlas

They discuss Lily's Dad beating up her mom.  In other news, Atlas will be joining the Marines, so they can't continue their relationship. 

Scene 7: BFF Alyssa's birthday party, at her gigantic palace, with a living room bigger than a hotel atrium.  Around a thousand people there, all heterosexual couples.  Why does she want to work in a flower shop, again?

Lily runs into Ryle the Neurosurgeon again, and tells him, "Stop flirting with me."  Then they go up to his room. Mixed signals, lady.

Scene 8: In the morning, Lily walks the six miles down to a kitchen big enough to prepare meals for the population of a medium-sized city.  Apprised that she has spent the night, Alyssa cautions that Ryle the Neurosurgeon goes through women like candy mints.  He's ok for a hookup, but if you're looking for a serious relationship, forget it.  Then why were you so aggressively pushing them together?

More after the break

Jeff East: Tom Sawyer's boyfriend, Disney teen, young Superman, n*de fratboy, Pumpkinhead prey

Link to the n*de photos.

If you were  a kid in the 1970s, Sunday night meant either church or The Wonderful World of Disney, countless movies set in the wilderness chopped up into 40-minute segments.  It was dreadful, but at least you got to see a cadre of teenagers personally selected by Walt or Roy Disney to represent "youthful masculinity":  Tommy Kirk, Kurt Russell, Tim Considine, James MacArthur.  

And if you could tell your fundamentalist, "movies are sinful" parents that you were going to the library downtown and sneak into a matinee, you could see Jeff East and Johnny Whitaker playng boyfriends.

Born in 1957 in Kansas City, Jeff had virtually no acting experience when he was chosen from among 1,000 hopefuls in open auditions to play Huck Finn in Tom Sawyer (1973), with Johnny Whitaker as Tom.

They appeared together again in Huckleberry Finn (1974), with a romance that would be impossibly overt today.

Plus they both showed bare chests and backsides, which would never be permitted today.  

Jeff went on three Wonderful World of Disney movies about big animals.  Disney loved animal stars.

Return of the Big Cat (1974): he has to save his sister from a cougar.

The Flight of the Grey Wolf (1975): he tries to re-introduce a wolf into the wild.  Nobody flies.

The Ghost of Cypress Swamp (1977): he has to save his dog from a panther, and runs afoul of a crazy guy.

This was the era of the big name teen idols like Shawn Cassidy, and a guy who fought panthers couldn't compete.  Jeff got very little attention in the teen magazines.

Jeff moved on to his first "adult" role as a college student who participates in a deadly hazing in The Hazing (1977),  also released as The Case of the Campus Corpse to make it seem like a comedy.  

Again he takes everything off -- he spends about half the movie in nothing but a jockstrap.

And he has a painfully intense, gay-subtext romance with his costar, fellow college student Charles Martin Smith.

Charles Martin Smith went on to display his goods in Never Cry Wolf (1983), about a government researcher living with wolves.  

What's with these guys and their wildlife?

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.9, Continued: Kelvin goes dark, Keefe goes down, and Captain America saves the day

 

Link to the uncensored version

He's not my boyfriend:  Earlier in the episode, Kelvin reveals that "he's coming apart," certain that his lack of interest in women and recent forays into "darkness" signify that he is the Devil.  The siblings tried to comfort him, but apparently it didn't help: he shows up at the teen group wearing a Goth teddy boy outfit, mascara, pale lipstick, dark glasses, and shiny vinyl pants, and announces "I have transformed myself into something Dark."  He's not Jesus, but a vile creature of sin.  He must leave them.  

But his replacement, Ronald Meyers (Josh Warren), is "pure": chubby, greasy-haired, an assistant manager at the GameStop.  One can't help but conclude that "pure" means "never had s*x," a contrast with Kelvin, who obvioulsy has. 

Kelvin makes a dramatic exit.  Dot Nancy, whom he rescued from Club Sinister, scoffs, as if to say "What an idiot!", and follows. "Is this about your boyfriend?"  Notice that she is not being pejorative; she honestly believes that they are a gay couple.  

Kelvin corrects her:  "Ok, no, he's not my boyfriend. We're just a couple dudes who like to hang out. Why?"  He's being awfully nonchalant -- compare Season 3, where "rumors swirling around" drive him into a panic.  He's already the Dark Lord, a being infused by homoerotic desire, so why get upset over a simple mistake?

Fans who insist that "Kelvin is straight!" often point to this statement, but maybe they're not "boyfriends," partners in a caring, emotionally-fulfilling relationship.  Kelvin believes that Satan is all about s*x, not love, so whatever he feels for Keefe -- whatever he does with Keefe -- must be driven solely by lust.   

That will all change in a moment, when Dot shows him Keefe's instagram page. He has returned to his old job as a performance artist at Club Sinister: "The baby is back!"  and "Haven't I fallen far enough?"  

Responses from fans: "I'm psyched!  I can't wait!"  "We're off to never-never land!" 

Yelling "No, no, no," Kelvin rushes off. Why is he fine with turning into the Dark Lord, but upset when Keefe becomes one of his followers?  Maybe because his transformation was all about wallowing in self-pity, while Keefe's is for real. He is about to be destroyed, spiritually, psychologically, and maybe even physically.

Gideon in Haiti: Before we can find out what happens next with Kelvin and Keefe, we cut to Gideon in Haiti: colorful "third world" shots of goats, a taverna, Gideon  meeting a group of kids, and so on.  The Water 2 Haiti ministry reflects the real Water for Life, which has been sponsoring well digging and irrigation since 1983. 

Jesse tracks Gideon down and asks him to come home. He refuses: he's doing missionary work to expiate his sins, so he can find peace.   Jesse will have to find anothe way to reconcile with Amber.

Check out his reaction when Jesse notes that Scotty has died: eyes wide, mouth agape, trying to restrain a whimper.  Sure, the guy robbed and assaulted him, but he was still Gideon's first boyfriend, and apparently really good in bed.

BJ is Shocked:  Back to the Gemstone Compound, night.  BJ wants to do a grand gesture to get Judy back (you dumped her, remember?), but Brock the Security Guard makes fun of his name and won't let him in (he lived there before the breakup -- wouldn't Brock know him and let him by default?).  

Rejected at the gate, BJ says "It's time to be a man" and finds an isolated place with a fence he can climb over.  We get a good view of the amusement park as he sneaks through.   But the stealth plan doesn't work:  he is surrounded by security guards and tazed, killed in a death-and-resurrection scene.

A Transitive State: Meanwhile, Kelvin is trying a grand gesture of his own (you dumped him, remember?). He arrives at Club Sinister with yet another party going on (or is there always a party in the Satanic realm?)  He pushes through the crowd (and, significantly, shrinks back with audible “Ewww!” at the sight of a n*de lady), and finds Keefe's old friend Daedalus.  

"Keefe is discovering some things about himself," he says. What does Keefe not know about himself?  Surely he knew that he was gay.  

Then: "I transformed him back into the earliest state of his being. He's sinking beneath his reality as we speak.  He's regressing to a transitive state."  I couldn't find an exact meaning for this phrase, but it probably means a state where you can be transformed into a different person.  

Kelvin threatens him: “Take me to him right now! I will f*ck you up!”  

The Isolation Tank after the break

"The Third Day": Jude Law in "The Wicker Man," with scissor goblins, a dead son, and Will Rogers

  

Link to the n*de dudes

The Third Day, on Netflix, had an interesting premise: an island where "you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave."  The "third day" is when Jesus rose from the dead, so there may be some people coming back to life.  Plus it stars Jude Law, who played gay characters in Wilde (1996) and The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999), so I'm in.

Update:  It's hard to find.  It keeps changing streaming services, from Netflix to Hulu to MAX, as if the universe doesn't want me to see it.  

Scene 1: Sam (Jude Law) stops his car on a deserted road to call a woman: the money is in the office, 40,000 pounds cash.  Don't call the police; don't let Amboy in the house.  He stares into space for a long time, then walks into the woods.  Everything goes blurry.  Is he entering an alternate universe?

He stops at a brook, and lets a small striped shirt float away.  Mourning a dead son.

Scene 2: Suddenly Sam hears a girl yelling at her friend to let go of the rope.  He rushes over just in time for a friend let go and run away.  She is hanging herself!  He cuts her down and asks if she wants to go to the hospital, but she just wants to go home.  

On the way, he gives his back story: he used to work with troubled youth in social services, but now he runs a garden center in London; he's married with two daughters.  Heterosexual identity established, he asks if someone is hurting or scaring her at home, but she won't say.

Weird detail: she asks for water, and then puts salt in it.  Who drinks salt water?  Are her people aliens out of the Cthulhu Mythos?

Home is Osea Island, across a narrow, winding causeway that's only open at low tide.  Very stressful to get across.

Back story: Osea is a real island in Essex, accessible by a causeway at low tide twice a day.  Over the years it has been home to a naval base and a rehab clinic, but now it's privately owned.

They pass a amphitheater, a lot of porta-potties, weird giant figures, and brown-robed goblins attacking townsfolk with scissors.  The Girl says that there are only 93 people living on the island, but this year they are opening their pagan cult festival to outsiders, hoping to turn it in to a music festival and raise some money.  

Hundreds of people driving on that narrow causeway?  They'll be driving right into the ocean.

Scene 3:  The Girl doesn't want to go home to her dad (uh-oh), she wants to go to the pub, where the Martins take her into the kitchen, whisper anxiously, and occasionally peer out at Sam.  He checks for cell phone reception -- none -- and looks at the pictures on the wall.  Why are there three pictures of corpses?

Mr. Martin (Paddy Considine, below) returns and dumps a hasty explanation: "She wasn't trying to hang herself, it was just fooling around like kids do; she's not afraid of her father or anybody on the island; everything is fine.  Thanks for bringing her home, but you should leave -- NOW!"

But Sam has to get in touch with Aday from Scene 1 right away: he's a planning official who will be deciding on whether they can go forward with their plans to build a new center -- this afternoon!

Mr. Martin doesn't like that name -- "African, innit? Lots of African immigrants on the mainland.  Everyone thinks that they cause trouble, but some are ok."  Dude is racist.

After a long, inappropriate story about how he and his wife always wanted kids, but seven pregnancies didn't come to term, Mr. Martin offers to escort Sam to his car so he can LEAVE, NOW!   

Scene 4:  On the way, Mr. Martin reveals that the music festival will coincide with their "Esus and the Sea" ceremony,. Esus was a Celtic war god, but because of the similarity in the names, everyone thinks that the ceremony is about Jesus.

Mr. Martin begins to interrogate Sam: why were you so far from home, on such an important day?   Also, Mrs. Martin recognized you, so you're not here by accident, are you?

Uh-oh, his car is blocked in, they can't find the driver, and the causeway will be closing in about 15 minutes.  Don't they have ferries?

Mr. Martin changes the urgency of his advice to get out. "You'll have to spend the night.  I'll put you in a room at the pub."

"No, I need to get off this island now!"  Sam reveals that the burglars took 40,000 pounds in cash, that they were going to use to bribe Aday! That's sleazy, but not as sleazy as I ithought.  Maybe he's lying.

Martin reaches the obvious conclusion: Aday stole your money.  But why would he steal the money, when they were going to give it to him anyway?

More after the break

The last gasp of Christmas romcoms: Criminal boyfriends, a chubby Santa Claus, a gay Muslim activist, and Justin Hartley

 

  December 25th, so time for one more Christmas romcom before they vanish.  I'm looking for one with a hidden gay character.  Unfortunately, they all look the same: the same magazine-cover man and woman hugging, or sometimes two men gazing at the same woman, with a plot about finding love while saving something. 

1. The icon of The Good Witch of Christmas, 2022, has a woman with two kids, two men who aren't gazing at her, and Santa Claus, so let's give that one a try.

Trailer first: A heterosexual couple asks a gay couple (Tom Arnold, William Baldwin) to take care of their kids while they go Christmas shopping.  Whoops, the hetero couple crashes into Santa Claus, and a goofy witch knocks on the gay couple's door to teach them the meaning of Christmas.  I don't see the connection.

Is there any possibility that the guys are not a gay couple, like brothers or something? I thought the actors were both homophobic. 

I can't find a plot synopsis, so here goes.

Scene 1: The kids are talking about Christmas as Mom and Dad lead them into a horrible industrial building.  "He lives here?"  The apartment is clutted with kitchy stuff and Christmas decorations and a flag with red, orange, white, and blue stripes -- not a U.S. flag.  The guys are arguing about whether they need an escape hatch and whether they should answer the door.

Frank points out that they're not thieves anymore, but Tony counters that they still need a lookout, which has been his job for 15 years. 

The family comes in.  Frank introduces them to Tony, and they call him "Uncle Tony."  But if they've been together 15 years, surely the kids would know them by now.

They make the request.  Tony offers to teach the kids how to hot-wire a car, but Frank insists that they will show them some "old fashioned Christmas cheer."  He puts his arm around Tony's shoulders.

Tony starts telling a story: "One night we're in Vegas, we pick up a couple of  ladies..."

They're heterosexual life partners!  Next!

2. Under the Christmas Tree, 2021, shows two women hugging: Charlie is looking for a tree for the governor, see, and it happens to be in Alma's back yard.  They closet Charlie, but according to the IMDB, she's a woman.   I'll bet they turn into good buddies, but there may be a residual gay guy.

Scene 1:  Establishing shot of snow.  Charlie is inspired, while her partner just wants to go home.  Meanwhile, a short-haired lady is checking on her chicken coop. She names the darn things.

Charlie and her partner follow their drone to the perfect tree: "It's calling us!"  The short-haired lady notices a disturbance in the Force.

Scene 2: At some sort of Christmas shop, the short-haired lady is instructing her staff on how to gift-wrap: be joyous, but do it perfectly.  It should look like Santa  himself wrapped it.  Doesn't he have Elves for that sort of thing?  

She's holding hands with a guy who notes that a new shipment of ornaments arrived, "hand painted by a grad student in Boston."  Maybe maybe he is her father.

Back story: Yep, her dad.  He and Mom are retiring in January, so like in three weeks, and she'll be in charge of the store.  Much call for hand-crafted Christmas tree ornaments in January?  

She has to leave for a taste test with Marie.  So Marie gets a name, but she doesn't.

Meanwhile, Charlie and her partner Rohan (Shawn Ahmed) discuss how perfect the tree is for the Govenor of Maine's Christmas celebration.  

Shawn Ahmed is gay, and grew up in a conservative Bangladeshi Muslim immigrant family in Canada.  In an article in Macleans, he relates that he was in an abusive relationship, and after he broke him with him, threatened to out him to his parents.  So he came out himself. They wanted him to "pray the gay away," then marry a woman to "cure" him, and then just stay in the closet.   He attempted to kill himself, but was saved by a constable who told him about his own background in a conservative Evangelical family.  

He has been honoured by the Webby Awards and World Economic Forum and his work has been featured on the CBC, BBC, NPR, CNN, Mashable, Globe & Mail, and Toronto Star. 

More after the break

Peter Billingsley: The lingerie lamp kid, a Beverly Hills brat, Whips, ropes, and perhaps a Peter or two

Link to the n*de dudes

Even  though a few years have passed, Peter Billingsley is still know as the kid from A Christmas Story (1983).  You know -- the bespectacled 9-year old in the 1950s, whose only Christmas wish is "a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass and this thing that tells time."  

Hardly anyone saw it in theaters in 1983, but it has become a TV tradition -- TBS usually mounts a 24-hour marathon -- so you've probably seen A Christmas Story as often as the much gayer White Christmas or It's a Wonderful Life.

I don't really care for it. There's a creepy lamp shaped like a lady's leg in lingerie (that turns Ralphie on), a nasty bully, a borderline-abusive Dad, a gun as a major plot point, and no cute guys or discernible homoerotic subplots (although some of the cast has gay connections).

And the mythos hasn't gotten better.

The top photo is Braeden LeMasters, who played Ralphie in A Christmas Story 2 (2012).  Six years later, Ralphie wants a car and the Girl of His Dreams.

I think it got worse.

In The Dirt Bike Kid (1985), a modern retelling of "Jack and the Beanstalk," the 14-year old Jack (Peter) is sent to buy groceries, but gets a magic dirtbike instead.  He uses it to clean up the corrupt town, save a struggling hot dog stand, and become a town hero. He expresses no heterosexual interest, but no same-sex interest, either.  He has a buddy (Chad Sheets), but  his main emotional bond is paternal, with Mike (Patrick Collins), the owner of the hot dog stand.

 In Russkies (1987), it's the heart of the Cold War, Danny (Joaquin Phoenix) and his friends Adam (Peter) and Jason (Stefan DeSalle) find a a Russian sailor, Mischa (Whip Hubley), washed up on the shore. Adam  is obviously entranced by the beefy, bulge-laden Mischa, especially after he takes off his shirt at the doctor's office.

But it is Danny who acts as his friend and protector.  He hatches a scheme to smuggle Mischa to Cuba, whence he could get back home.  When the baddies shoot Danny down over the water, Mischa rushes to the rescue. Later, Danny rescues Mischa.  Though the movie ends with Mischa going  home, the experience changes Danny forever; it is his Summer of '42.

An anti-gay slur (this was the 1980s, after all), but no girls thought of or spoken of.

Left: Whip's butt and back balls.

In Beverly Hills Brats (1989), Scooter (18-year old Peter) is ignored by his rich father (Martin Sheen) and bullied by his siblings, so he fakes his own kidnapping, hiring the bumbling thugs Clive (Burt Young) and Elmo (George Kirby).  The thugs are hostile at first, but soon come to feel sympathy for the lonely Scooter.  Again, an anti-gay slur, but no expressed interest in girls.  Instead, Scooter tries to reach out to the thugs for emotional support.

By this point, Peter was starting to muscle up; in fact, he later played a high school athlete abusing steroids on an Afterschool Special.  But he also started to heterosexualize up.

Here he shows some bicep in VideoZone (1989), a tv commercial series about the merchandise advertised in Full Moon productions.

He appears in 11 episodes of Sherman Oaks (1995-97), an early example of the mockumentary format, as the hetereo-horny teenage son.
 

More after the break

Eight simple rules for determining if Martin Spanjers is gay

  

Link to the nude photos

Rule 1: Does his character gawk at guys in the shower?

This is a still from Epiosde 3.1 of the  TGIF sitcom Eight Simple Rules (2002-2005).  It was originally Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter, about an overprotective Dad played by John Ritter, but when Ritter died, it became a general family-angst dramedy.  I never watched, but in 2004 you could hardly turn on your computer without seeing Martin Spanjers as the teenage Rory gawking at Sam Horrigan.  

Only Seasons 1-2 are available to stream on Disney Plus, so I don't know what's going on in the scene, except that Rory doesn't want to shower after gym class due to his less than adequate package.  Maybe Sam Horrigan is a high school jock?  

2. Does he play a gay-vague teenager?

Fan consensus is that Rory is one of those gay-vague sitcom kids, soft, shy, pretty, and struggling valiantly to act girl-crazy because on American sitcoms, all teenage boys must be girl-crazy.

3. Does he show his butt on screen?

The next time I saw Martin Spanjers, he was still naked, playing the teenage shapeshifter Sam Merlotte in a 2009 episode of True Blood, about vampires, werewolves, and various other magical beings in rural Louisiana.  When you shift back to human form, you lose your clothes, so he's naked when he breaks into a house looking for food or something to steal.

4. Does he have a gay-subtext role?

The house happens to belong to a maenid (minor goddess) named Maryanne, who naturally wants to have sex with him.  He steals $10,000 on his way out, which causes the adult Sam Merlotte a lot of headaches.  

Although the encounter is heterosexual, we can still see a gay subtext. Sam was thrown out of the house when his parents discovered his "secret," like gay kids ejected by homophobic parents. About 40% of homeless youth are LGBT.

5. Does he avoid roles involving hetero-romance?

After Eight Simple Rules, Martin did the usual guest star bit, appearing on as a barista 90210, a chicken restaurant employee on Good Luck Charlie, a kid accused of killing cows on Saving Grace, a rich boy who the Griffins eat on Family Guy,  Well, he had already frozen to death while trying to climb Mount Everest.

He had minor roles in Just Peck, about teen angst, and Little Fish, Strange Pond, about existential angst.

More after the break

Kelvin and Keefe under the Christmas tree

 

This story takes place after Righteous Gemstones Season 1

It was Christmas Day in South Carolina, 85 degrees, so Kelvin and Keefe were sweating in their Santa hats and scarves as they knocked on the door of Daddy Eli's mansion. Kelvin was his youngest son, the youth director at his sprawling megachurch and worldwide television ministry.  Keefe was Kelvin's best friend, an ex-Satanist whom he brought to God two years ago.  And incredibly cute, Kelvin thought.  He could hardly take his eyes off him.  It's a wonder some girl hasn't snatched him away!

 Keefe could barely see over the pile of presents in his arms: they had a big family. Daddy Eli,  his children, Jesse and Judy, who helped in his ministry (along with Kelvin); Jesse's wife and three kids; and Judy's husband.  Even with the couples getting presents together, that's still an armload.

Jesse's wife Amber, answered the door.  "My favorite brother-in law!" she exclaimed, hugging Kelvin.  "And my other favorite brother in law,"  kissing...Keefe's cheek?

"Hey!" Judy's husband BJ yelled from the parlor.

Other favorite brother in law?  "We're not...um...we're not..." Kelvin stammered, but Keefe and Amber were already heading toward the Christmas tree to deposit the presents.  

He checked the seating arrangements: two places on one of the sofas, but they would have to sit very close together.  Gulp!  Maybe someone would get up to go to the bathroom, and he could take their place.  He stopped at the pastry cart in the alcove.  He usually didn't eat sugar, but this was an emergency!

"No time for feeding your face, Brother," Jesse called.  "These presents won't unwrap themselves."

Keefe was already sitting on the white sofa, resting his arm across the back...across Kelvin's spot.  There was no choice!  He trudged across the room, slowly, like a condemned man on the way to the gallows, and squeezed in between Keefe and his nephew Gideon. He relaxed a bit, feeling the familiar hardness of Keefe's chest, his arm against his head, their legs pressed together -- no choice.  

Then Keefe used the "yawn and stretch" maneuver that you saw in movies to wrap his arm around his shoulders. "He's just trying to get comfortable -- it's a tight squeeze," Kelvin thought.  "Just bros being bros."

Time for presents.  Abraham, Jesse and Amber's youngest, was in charge of passing out.  He handed Kelvin a package marked "To Kelvin and Keefe, from Judy and BJ."  Wait -- the rule was, one gift per couple, but he and Keefe weren't a couple.  They should get separate gifts.  Cheapskates!

It was a toaster!  "Your husband can't make you breakfast in bed without a toaster," Judy said with a giggle.

Grr -- they had $26 million in trust, a monthy deposit of $20,000 into the joint checking account, three cars, and a house on the estate.  They could afford their own toaster!  Wait -- your husband?  "We're not...um...", he stuttered, but Keefe said "Thank you, Judy and BJ," and they moved on.

More presents "to both of you": matching Christmas sweaters, a framed photo of two 1950s bodybuilders (from Abraham: "he thought they looked like y'all," Amber explained).  

Keefe didn't have any money of his own, so they had no choice but to give presents together.  Did that give everyone the wrong idea?

It got even worse: his nephew Pontius gave them a Ken doll and a GI Joe on a little stand, shirtless, hugging, with their mouths pasted together so it looked like they were kissing.  "I've never seen you do it, so I figured you didn't know how," he said. 

 "We don't....we're not,..." Kelvin stuttered, but Keefe said "Thank you, Pontius.  It's beautiful.  We'll put it on display in the bedroom."  The bedroom?  They had separate bedrooms; Keefe didn't sleep in the master bedroom more than once or twice a week.  Ok, four or five times a week.  Well, he slept in the guest suite that one time.

Now it was Daddy Eli's turn.  He gave everyone trips: Hawaii for Jesse and Amber and their kids, Disney World for Judy and BJ, and for Kelvin and Keefe, a "romantic" week-long stay at a resort hotel in Myrtle Beach.  

"You boys never had a honeymoon, and I hear it's the gay capital of the South."

  

Keefe said "Thank you, Mr. Gemstone, sir," and they prepared to move on, but Kelvin couldn't take any more.  "We're not married, we're not newlyweds, we're not going on any honeymoon to any gay capital!" he yelled.  "We're best friends! That's it."

The family stared.  Keefe stared.  "Kelvin...." he began,  After a long pause, Jesse spoke: "Sorry, Dude, but what were we to think?  You haven't mentioned a girl since high school, and then Keefe moves in"

The full story, with n*de photos, is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

5 Heterosexist and 5 Gay-Inclusive Christmas Specials

Have you ever noticed that most Christmas specials are annoyingly heterosexist? Here are the worst examples:

1. Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol (1962): Why is Magoo/Scrooge so miserable?  He was so obsessed with money that he lost Belle, the girl of his dreams.  So he atones by helping a heterosexual nuclear family, Bob Cratchett, wife, daughter, and three sons.

2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964):  Ok, it's about accepting difference.  The "misfit toys" are all adopted out, Rudolph uses his glowing red nose to save the day, and Hermey the Elf gets to become a dentist. But Rudolph gets a girlfriend, Clarice ("She thinks I'm cute!") and Hermey dances with a female elf at a party.

In the closing "Holly Jolly Christmas," Burl Ives sings that there's a girl waiting for you (a boy) under the mistletoe: "kiss her once for me."  When a woman sings that song, it becomes "kiss him once for me."

3. Frosty the Snowman (1969): only a subtle a hetero-romantic subtext about a little girl in love with the snowman, but the sequel, Frosty's Winter Wonderland (1976) is all about the snowman finding a wife.

4. Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (1970): a heterosexual love story between the young-adult Santa Claus (then known as Kris Kringle) and the future Mrs. Claus (a teacher named Jessica).  At least Kris (voiced by former teen idol Mickey Rooney) is a cute redhead.

5. The Year without a Santa Claus (1974). Mr.s Claus saves the day.  And heterosexual monogamy.

But not to worry, there are a few inclusive ones.  Here are the best:

1. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965): a reference to the Little Red-Haired Girl and Lucy's obsession with Schroeder, but otherwise about nurturing and friendship.

2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): the Grinch is a green-furred outsider who dislikes Christmas, so he and his dog Max set out to ruin the holiday for the residents of Whoville by stealing all of their stuff.  When he discovers that the townsfolk are happy together even without stuff, he relents, returns everything, and joins in the celebration.

No same-sex plotlines, but at least there's no hetero-romance, and few if any heterosexual nuclear families.

3. Olive the Other Reindeer (1999): a dog (Drew Barrymore), a penguin (Joe Pantoleono), and a flea (Peter MacNichol) save Christmas, and no one falls in love with anyone.

4. Billy and Mandy Save Christmas (2005): the cast of The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy discover that Santa Claus has been transformed into a vampire. While looking for a cure, the Grim Reaper develops a homoromantic bond with a flamboyantly feminine, gay-coded vampire named Baron Von Ghoulish (voiced by gay actor Malcolm McDowell).  They even sing about how much they like each other.

5. Prep & Landing (2009).  Two high-tech Elves buddy-bond while saving Christmas.

Rescue Hi-Surf: Lifeguards rescue surfers, have soap opera problems, and one of them is big. But where are the Speedos?

  

 

   Link to the n*de photos

The purpose of lifeguard shows is to watch pecs, biceps, and Speedos.  There may be some plotlines involving the nearing-retirement guy with the dead son, the Ivy League dropout whose dad wants him to become a lawyer, and the reformed druggie trying to build a new life for himself, but they will be cliched and predictable; you watch to see guys bouncing around in Speedos. 

Sometimes the bikini babes overwhelm the screen, making the show unwatchable, but I have high hopes for Rescue Hi-Surf (2024-5), on Hulu, because showrunner Matt Kester also gave us Animal Kingdom, with muscular men strutting about in Speedos amid fully clothed women.  

Oh, and maybe there will be some rescues, too.

Scene 1: Establishing shots of the ocean off Oahu, and a pipeline: three story waves breaking over a volcanic reef.  Hunky son, played by Kameron Dowis, is going to surf in that stuff while Mom and Dad check out of the airbnb.  

Cut to the beach, where a lot of people are watching about 20 surfers. 

Cut to lifeguard station, with three lifeguards, the woman in a bikini, the men wearing t-shirts and shorts -- no speedos, darn. 

The Ocean Safety Captain says that they've had six rescues already, and the waves are getting bigger. It's getting dangerous, like "high diving into a kiddie pool."

Uh-oh, a guy wipes out and is down.  They count...but he's up, grabbed by a safety officer on jet ski. 

The Air BNB Guy cozies up to some experienced surfers, who give him instructions, especially "Whatever you do, don't get stuck inside," with the wave above and below you. 

Uh-oh, he wipes out, and is floating unconscious.  The Female Lifeguard runs out, her midriff on display.  She finds him, loads him on a jet ski, and they zoom back to the beach, just ahead of the pipeline wave.  The other lifeguards grab him, perform CPR, and then load him into the waiting ambulance.  "You got lucky -- welcome to the North Shore."

Back story; The guy's name is Reef, and he's from Florida.  So a family from Florida is vacationing in Hawaii?  Not Quebec?

Opening credits.

Scene 2: Closeup of the chest of a cute guy swimming. Uh-oh, he's sinking...and Ocean Safety Captain (Robbie Magasifa. top photo) wakes up.  He's sleeping on the couch in his plant-filled living room.  It was a nightmare about his son, who died two years ago.  I called it.

It's time to test the lifeguard recruits.  A Bikini Babe recruit arrives late, arguing with her mother who disapproves of lifeguarding and wants her to return to her Ivy League college.  I called it.

Scene 3:  The test: run, swim, run, 100 yards each, 4000 meter swim, 400 yard paddle. Bikini Babe and Sweater Guy stand in front, but the guys in back are shirtless. Still no Speedos.

Bikini Babe finishes first, followed by Sweater Guy.  They all pass, but she's so great that she gets the plum District 7 assignment.  The disgraced guys grimace and growl. "Don't worry, we'll assign you to the kiddie pool or something."  I may be exaggerating the dialogue a bit.

Sweater Guy approaches Bikini Babe to explain that he almost beat her.  It was just dumb luck that he came in .001 seconds late. She's not having it:  "Just admit that a Bikini Babe is better than you."  I imagine that she'll find him "arrogant" as they embark on a three-season long "will they or won't they" story arc.

Scene 4: At the lifeguard station, they put a firefighters's hat on the Big Guy's stuff.  "Ha-ha, very funny," he says.  Back story: he's retiring from life guarding to become a firefighter, but they disapprove because firefighters never do anything but pose for calendars. 

Also, he's dating the Female Lifeguard.  She concludes that he;s taking the job to get away from her.  The world doesn't revolve around you, girlfriend.

Wait -- they're not dating.  They broke up two years ago, and he's engaged to someone else.  Girlfriend is delusional.

Big Guy is played by Adam Demos.  The reason for his nickname after the break:

"Welcome to Plathville": Beefcake and body parts of a hardcore fundamentalist family, including Micah the "Boylicious" model

 

Link to the NSFW photos

Welcome to Plathville, originally on TLC but recently streamed to Hulu, is a six-season long reality series about the Plaths: "A strikingly blonde, blue-eyed Quiverfull family with 9 children in Southeastern Georgia, who are very passionate about traditional roles, their courtship rituals, music, God, and domestic life."

Brr.  Sounds too scary.  They must be wildly homophobic, but I imagine that they agreed to appear only if there were no "homosexuals" in the crew, so maybe they won't mention them at all.  Episodes appear to be soap-opera like,  with marital problems, career troubles, treks into secular civilization, and lots of clickbait "dark secrets" and "startling revelations."

The elder Plaths belong to the No Greater Joy Ministries, an out-of-the-box fundamentalist cult that, other than hating homos, teaches that women must always be subservient to men -- working outside the home is a major sin, and will turn her into an evil lesbian.  Plus you must beat your children to ensure their subservience -- if you don't, they'll start to talk back and turn gay.

I'm too squeamish to watch, but I'll check for fundamentalist beefcake.

The parents, Barry and Kim, have broken up and gotten a divorce, which means, of course, that they are both headed for hell. In my childhood church, that would get you kicked out.

Their oldest child, Ethan, left,  married the outsider Olivia, who works as a photographer.  A woman working outside the home!  A shocking revelation!

They got divorced, also.

Ethan and a buddy at the gym.

Daughter Hosanna refused to appear on the show.  She has left the family, moved to Ohio, and married an outsider. A dark secret revealed!

Daughter Moriah visited San Francisco and had sex with her boyfriend Max Kallschmidt, left.  A shocking revelation!

 The younger children are Lydia, Isaac, Amber, Cassidy, and Mercy.  

Micah works as a model, which means he has to work with gay people.  Uh-oh, he's doomed. 

Wait -- a model?  He must have some n*de photos out there somewhere.

More after the break.

The Kid Named Moosie

How could you not like a kid named Moosie?

Born in 1964, Moosie Drier was a force to be reckoned with during the 1970s and 1980s.

1. He appeared everywhere.  He had recurring roles a kid-regular on the hip variety show Laugh-In (1971-73) and as Howard Borden's son on The Bob Newhart Show (1972-77).   Plus guest shots on The Waltons, Adam-12, Police Story, Chips, the A-Team, and Hunter. Plus movies: American Hot Wax, Homeward Bound, Hollywood Knights.

2. He was well-known to kids, due to his string of after-school specials, weekend specials, school break specials, and special treats (short, "relevant" dramas aimed at a preteen or early teen audience).  Unfortunately, though sometimes his characters are gay-vague, more often they are paired with a girl..

 Runaway (1974): a streetwise boy assists a runaway teenage girl.
Hewitt's Just Different (1977): a teenage boy befriends a mentally retarded peer.
 If I'm Lost, How Come I Found You? (1978): a runaway orphan finds a surrogate Dad.
The House at 12 Rose Avenue (1980), with Chris Petersen: a white boy befriends a black family.
Student Court (1985): a student court tries a shoplifter.

3. He was especially well-known to gay kids, because of cute smile, cool hair, and total inability to keep his shirt on.

4. He was well-known to adults because he worked with nearly every comedy legend in the business, including George Burns, Tim Conway, Cloris Leachman, Jay Leno, and Dean Jones. And those he didn't work with, he played: Mickey Rooney in Rainbow (1978).

5. He remains especially well known to gay adults, because of his frequent voice over and dialogue work on gay-friendly projects such as American Beauty (1999) and 40 Days and 40 Nights (2002).

Some of his recent work includes The Book of Life (which sounds like a fundamentalist Christian tract, but is actually a heroic fantasy), The Comeback Kids (about former child stars), and The Fur is Gone (behind the scenes at the Actors Co-Op in Hollywood).

He's also been doing theater, including Tennessee Williams' gay-subtext Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.

Here's a 2016 photo.  He's with Erin Murphy of Bewitched at a Christmas tree decorating benefit for A Minor Consideration.

I don't know if Moosie is gay or not, but there's no wife listed on imdb or wikipedia.