"Middle Lower Bogans": Wacko Aussie Mom in one story, wacko race car guys in another. With bonus Aussie blokes

 

Netflix thinks I'll "love" something called  Upper Middle Bogan or Rogan, hard to tell from the font.  Why would I "love," or even click on, a tv program with an icon of a lady's breasts?  Sounds like a hetero-sleaze fest with gyrating ladies on poles.  

Ok, let's take a look, but at the first female body parts, I'm leaving. 

Story #1: Lady is driving through an Australian city, applying makeup and nail polish.  She stops at an elegant suburban house and brings coffee to Hubbie -- Patrick Brammell, below -- who is still asleep. Fully clothed.  Wait - why would you put on makeup and nail polish on the way home?  Are you pretending to go somewhere?

He smooches her all over, but she stops to ask if she looks yellow today, and if she might have bony metastasis. Is something wrong?  Do the breasts on the icon signify breast cancer, not hetero-horniness?  Or is she a hypochondriac? He doesn't care; he still wants some.

Later, they bring lots of birthday presents to the rooms of Oscar and Edwina.  The kids argue over whose room they will celebrate their birthdays in.  Parents note that they dropped Oscar on his head a lot, and besides, he has an e____-- so it will be his room.  Edwina is outraged. Something creepy is going on here.  Do the kids have an immune system disease, or is Mom delusional, and keeping them locked in their rooms?

They compromise with the kitchen, where the kids interact normally.  So all of that creepiness was just to make viewers uncomfortable?  Oscar continues to hide his e___, which makes the parents proud.  They're proud of it?   

Grandma appears, not phased by Oscar's e___ but offended by Dad in underwear -- although she sneaks a peek.  She criticizes everyone else, and gives Oscar a maths tutor for his present.  This enrages Mom -- the monster made her childhood a living hell, and "look how I turned out!  I won't let that happen to Oscar!"

Dad counters that he likes the way she turned out, especially her breasts, which he fondles.  Can't you think of anything else, jerk?  Seriously, though: "I know you're a wacko, but Oscar will be fine.  Besides he's seriously stupid."   He makes an offensive "I'm stupid" face.  Good God, call Child Protective Services.  Dad is seriously abusive.

Mom goes back to the kitchen to prove that Oscar's not stupid by asking him to add 13 and 13.  The answer he gives: 27?

Whoops, Grandma has collapsed, crashing through a glass table.

Story 2: In the emergency room.  You don't get separate cubicles; everyone is in one big room.  The guy in the bed next to Grandma is jerking his arms up and down. 

Mom goes to the lab and checks on Grandma's bloodwork.  Wait -- this seriously mentally ill hypochondriac is a doctor?  How does she examine anyone without freaking out and thinking that she has what they have?

Mom argues with the technician, Sam, about Grandma's diagnosis: "You got the bloodwork wrong. My Mom can't  have Type A, because Dad was Type O and I'm Type B."

"Nope, I drew the blood myself.  She's Type A."

Sam is played by model Kane Felsinger, who doesn't show his chest on screen.

Mom jabs herself to prove that she's Type B.  How is that possible?

She rushes out to confront Grandma: "You can't be my mother. I'm adopted."  After a lot of mishegas, Gradma admits to it.  This is a completely different story from the psycho-parents imprisoning their kids in Scene 1.

At home, Mom breaks the news to the family.  "So she's not our Grandma, she's sort of a friend of the family?"  "No, we'd never want her as a friend."

 Later, in bed, Dad wants to feel her breasts, as usual, but Mom refuses: "What part of you thinks I want to have s_x right now?"  His d*ck, obviously.  "I wonder what my birth parents are like?"  Dad suggests that her mother must have incredibly gorgeous breasts.

More stories after the break

Rating Adam Devine's backside, with DJ Nick's and a few d*cks for comparison

Link to the backsides

In August 2019, Adam Devine, star of Workaholics and soon-to-be star of The Righteous Gemstones,  visited the Tap and Grill Lakeside Brew Haus in Gravois Mills, Missouri, in the Lake of the Ozarks, about two hours from Kansas City. 

DJ Nick (I won't use his real last name) got a photo with him, which he posted on Facebook. Fortunately for fanboys, it's on the lakefront so shirts are optional. 

So far, so hot.  But look at the Facebook comments:

"Very tight b*, my friend."

"That is so tight b*!"

"Tight b*!"

Question: whose b* are they talking about, Adam's or Nick's?  Let's find out.

Nick  a professional DJ working out of Kansas City, and the Lake of the Ozarks during the summer.  Here he plays Captain America in an American flag jockstrap.  Nice bulge, dude, but what about your backside?

My usual hookup sites didn't yield a lot of potential n*de photos, but the one posted on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends might.   

For comparison purposes, I included Tyler Labine's front. 

Nick with his brother Todd.  Maybe we could get a photo of Todd's backside?

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.5: Baby Billy and Eli compete for Aimee-Leigh. Plus water sports and donkey ___

 

Link to the uncensored review

Title: "Interlude."  The interludes, set halfway through each season, are designed to clarify the conflicts and back stories, and to keep you in suspense after a major crisis. Here we flash back to 1989. when Eli and Aimee-Leigh were rich but not mega-rich, Baby Billy was hoping for a come-back after his child-star career, and young Jesse was jealous of his soon-to-be-born brother Kelvin. 

A Hot Piece of Tail:  This is the golden age of televangelism, with Pat Robertson, Jimmy Swaggart, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, and Jerry Falwell eating up the airwaves -- and blaming homa-sekshuls for everything from teen pregnancy to hurricanes/  They were especially eager to proclaim that homa-sekshuls were trying to destroy society by infecting straight people with AIDS.  In 1989, the number of new cases peaked at 80,000. 

Before the broadcast,  Aimee-Leigh walks around, being friendly to the crew.  Very diverse crew: -- old and young, black and white, women in jobs traditionally held by men, probably gay people.  She compliments Eli as "a hot piece of tail," and he agrees: "I'm sizzling hot."This seems a little gender-transgressive.  Men aren't typically referred to in this way.  Just before the curtain rises, Aimee-Leigh tells Eli, "I'm pregnant."  How playful, and borderline mean!

Family Dinner:  Lots of gross closeups of 1980s food.  When Aimee-Leigh says that she has news to share, Jesse guesses that Judy has been put up for adoption, and she guesses that he has AIDS. In 1989 evangelicals -- and most of the general public -- thought that only gay men contracted AIDS, so she is "accusing" him of being gay. 

No, Aimee-Leigh says without disciplining them, she is actually having a baby. Jesse wishes that she has a miscarriage, again without discipline, then backtracks: : "I will never like them.  They will never be my friend."  This is a call-back to the Episode 1.1 scene where Jesse is upset with Kelvin because "we used to be friends."  

Judy hopes that it's a boy, so she can teach him how to pee standing up.  Is she accusing Jesse of being a woman?

The Misbehavin' Tour: At the office, Baby Billy tells the Gemstones about his idea for a Misbehavin' Comeback Tour this spring.  But she can't do it: she is pregnant, due in July (in Season 2, Kelvin says that his birthday is near Christmas, but never mind).

Baby Billy insists that they go on the tour anyway, but she insists that she can't.  How about waiting until after the birth?  Nope.

The screenshot shows Baby Billy in pain, behind window slats that look like bars. He is trapped, unable to move beyond his child-star days, blaming Eli for ruining his life. In Season 3, Eli's other brother-in-law will blame him too, with more violent results.  

The Birthday Party:  After scenes where Jesse is caught arranging little-kid fights and complains that his parents are never around, a we cut to Judy's birthday party.  Kids eating food in disgusting ways (a regular trope in this episode); riding a slip-and-slide; riding ponies.  

More after the break

"It's Florida, Man": Gay guy gets revenge on his ex by blowing up his trailer. Or not. Plus what BBC means

 

The reality series It's Florida, Man, on MAX, has a format similar to Drunken History.   Real-life Floridians tell about doing really stupid things -- agreeing to fill the fantasy of a toe fetishist, swimming in gator-infested waters, fighting the witch next door.  While they and their family and friends are interviewed along the lines of "What were you thinking?", comedians act out the story.  I reviewed the episode with a gay couple.

Scene 1: Deland, Florida.  Derrick Irving / Echo Kellum wants revenge on his ex, so he comes up with the perfect plan.  Early one morning, when it's still dark out and the ex is at work, he goes to the guy's trailer park, with a getaway driver, wearing a mask so the neighbors wouldn't recognize him, and tries to think of evil stuff to do.  Wouldn't you plan this out in advance?Oh, right, it's Florida, man.

He steals his "good stuff" -- air conditioner, vacuum cleaner, and tv set -- and then blows up the trailer!   

Scene 2: Derrick introduces himself: 42 years old, living in a trailer, but cooking outside.  He wasn't looking to date, but he went online with "BBC and Cooking" in his profile, and Denver pinged him. Wait -- if you didn't want to date, why the BBC?

On to an interview with Denver/ John Gries. He had just gotten out of a 20-year relationship, moved to DeLand, and wanted companionship.  And a BBC, right?

They go on a date to the Waffle House -- Denver wanted to impress the guy with high-end dining, har har.  

Derrick says he was turned off by Denver's disgusting eating habits, but Denver says that romance was in the air.

On their second date, Denver invited him to the beach.  Wait -- if you were turned off, why agree to a second date?  He didn't mention that it was a n*de beach.  Then he kept cajoling Derrick into showing his BBC: "He could not stop staring." So why did you keep seeing this guy?

Next, an interview with Derrick's sister, Sheena: Derrick said he really liked him, but "this guy is old as shit." 

Scene 3: They start hanging out, watching Judge Judy and shit.

Derrick: "We were just friends. No way would I agree to sleep with him."   

Denver: "We were in love."

Sheena: "They was definitely f*cking"

Eventually Derrick moves into The Empire, Denver's name for his horrible trailer, that he paid $2300 for.

More after the break

Michael Seater: The "Life with Derek" guy grows up, gets a boyfriend, and displays a Derek d___

  

Link to the Derek d___

Born in Toronto in 1987, Michael Seater first appeared on screen in Night of the Living (1997), a short about a guy whose father turns into a zombie.  Two years of minor roles followed, and then Michael hit YTV/Nickelodeon gold with The Zack Files (2000-2002)

What gay teenager didn't rush home from school to watch the dreamy Zack(Robert Clark), and his buds Cam and Spencer (Jake Epstein, Michael) face bizarre paranormal events?  Like shoes that make it impossible to stop running, a cereal that makes him age rapidly, or an overdue library book that turns him into Alice in Wonderland. 

He went on to play paranormal investigator Lucas in Strange Days at Blake Holsey High (2002-2006). Noah Reid, later Patrick's boyfriend/husband on Schitt's Creek, played his best buddy Marshall, and he also had a love/hate relationship with school bully Vaughn (Robert Clark again).  They are sucked into a wormhole, turn invisible, repeat the same day over and over.  In my favorite episode, a chemistry accident sends Marshall through the periodic table: he becomes hydrogen, oxygen, neon, and so on.  Meanwhile, his older brother Grant arrives at the school and turns into sodium.  Marshall has changed into chlorine, so they stabilize as salt. Just go with it.

Left: Robert Clark

Next Michael moved into the more traditional teencom Life with Derek (2005-2009): He has a sibling rivalry with his adopted sister Casey (Ashley Leggat) and, in the first season, an intense, passionate, joined-at-the-hip best buddy, Sam (Kit Weyman).  Then it's girls, girls, girls every second of every day.

In Regenesis (2006-2007), Michael plays homeless teenager Owen, who moves in with paranormal investigator David (Peter Outerbridge, left), but ends up mentally damaged after an experimental treatment to cure his drug addiction 

Michael's adult roles have involved fewer subtexts:

18 to Life (2010-2011): newlywed18-year olds move in with their parents.

The "virgin getting laid" comedy Sin Bin (2012).  

The "virgin getting laid before the world ends comedy" Sadie's Last Days on Earth (2016).

In 10 episodes of Bomb Girls, 2013, set during World War II, Michael's bomb engineer Ivan dates closeted lesbian Betty, then Betty's crush Kate, then Nazi spy Helen.  Then he dies in a bomb factory explosion.  No gay male characters.

In The Wedding Planners, which aired for seven episodes in March-May 2020, Michael and his sisters plan weddings.  It doesn't look like any of them featured same-sex couples.

Most recently Michael played a gay-coded villain on The Murdoch Mysteries.  In 2009, gay student James Gillies and his boyfriend murder a professor in a reflection of the Leopold and Loeb case.  In 2023, he returns to torment Murdoch, kidnap The Girl, and survive various lethal stunts.  The show features a gay couple, so it's not just queer villains, but still, one doesn't expect such a blatant stereotype in 2023. 

And in Life with Luca, 2023, he returns to Derek as a grown-up.  He and Casey each have children who replicate the sibling-rivalry of their youth -- Luca is Casey's son.

More after the break

Black Friday: Devon Sawa fights holiday shopper-monsters and wins the Girl. WIth a nude dude from the other movie.

 

Devon Sawa was the wunderkind of the 1990s, starring in some iconic coming-of-age movies with strong gay subtexts --  Night of the Twisters, The Boys Club, Wild America -- while getting the full Tiger Beat Fave Rave teen idol treatment.  In the 2000s he moved on to sleazy horror, like many former teen idols, and audiences moved on.  

After filling my review of Hacks with photos of the grown-up, bulked up, heavily inked Devon, I realized that I hadn't seen any of his work since Final Destination.  So I checked out his more recent work on the IMDB, looking for gay characters or subtexts.

No luck: a lot of gritty, hard-bitten cops, criminals, and cowboys who have sex with ladies. Two TV series: Nikita, with the icon of a lady showing her legs and the phrase "Looks do kill": and Somewhere Between, with an icon of a lady's face and bare shoulders looking bemused as she's floating in the air.  

 

The only one that appeared to have gay content was the horror/comedy Black Friday, about the day after Thanksgiving in the U.S., when shoppers mob the big box stores, jostling each other in search of deep discounts on Christmas presents. 

In this case, the shoppers turn into real life monsters, so toy store employees have to fight them off. I can imagine a lot of comedic bits, like a monster shopper using its disembodied arm to pull toys off a high shelf.  The Google AI notes that one of the characters is gay, and mentions a husband back home. 

Note: two movies called Black Friday, both about shoppers turning into monsters, premiered in 2020 and 2021.  This is the 2021 version.

Of course, I need to watch the trailer before investing in the whole thing.  

Scene 1: Pre-dawn, the morning after Thanksgiving. Toy store manager, horror veteran Bruce Campbell, says  "Happy Black Friday" over an intercom as Christmas music plays.  Horndog Devon Sawa makes a date with The Girl to get pancakes after the big rush is over.  It wouldn't be Christmas without the protagonist devoting his first scene to demonstrating that he's not gay.  

Femme Stephen Peck  assigns New Guy Ryan Lee to the registers.  Ryan Lee played Sue's gay friend on "The Middle," but most likely Stephen Peck, second from the left, is the one with the husband.  Unfortunately, the internet is full of another Stephen Peck, film legend Gregory Peck's son, so research is impossible.

Louis Kurtzman, who wears a flowery shirt, skates over to Gruff Michael Jai White,and announces that he's temping tonight. Flowery shirt -- maybe he's the one with the husband?

Left: Michael Jai White's physique.

Scene 2: Store Manager announces "There's no day more harmful than today." I thought stores made 30% of their sales on Black Friday.  New Guy, Gruff Guy, and a third employee pour booze into their coffees.

Scene 3: Showtime!  Everyone takes their places. They keep saying "tonight," but it must be before dawn on Friday.   

After a few shots of beserk, grabby shoppers, The Girl notices a shopper with head injuries growling about.  He rushes toward New Guy, who overturns a display of balls to stop him.

More after the break.

Dakare Chatman: Ballroom dancer, conservative spokesperson, Christ follower, gay ally

  

Link to the n*de photos

Charleston, South Carolina resident Dakare Chatman has four acting credits on the IMDB:

1. Two episodes as an unnamed high school student on the serial-killer drama Mr. Mercedes, 2019.

2. "Youth Group Teen" in Righteous Gemstones Season 1.  He is especially noticeable in Episode 1.9, where Kelvin tells the youth group that he has transformed himself into "something dark."

3. "Kook," uncredited, on an episode of Outer Banks, 2020.

4. In Righteous Gemstones Episode 2.8, 2022, he returns as "Mr. Dukare,"who  buys Junior's defunct video arcade games.   

More about Dakare: he's a singer, ballroom dancer, Christ-follower, traveler, and optimist, active in the AME Church.  He was on the National Youth Advisory Board of the John Locke Foundation, a conservative think tank, and won their Constituting America Contest twice. This got him an interview on the conservative news show Fox and Friends

Dakare is now the artistic director of Practice to Perform, a semi-pro ballroom dancer, and still active in politics.  In 2024, he was the manager of the re-election campaign for Sheriff Kristin Graziano of Charleston, the first lesbian sheriff in South Carolina history. 

Wait -- Kristin Graziano is a Democrat.  Has Dakare changed parties?

Conservative think tank, AME church, Christ-follower, and gay-positive. A very unusual combination.

This photo from Christmas is rousing my gaydar.  Dakare's Instagram contains no photos of him with any ladies except some friends and dance partners.

Gay or not, I'm sure he won't mind fans appreciating his cuteness.  And that cool, campy cutlery on his kitchen wall.

More after the break

Six degrees of Kevin Bacon's bacon. With Billy Crudup, Mickey Rourke, and others

 

Link to the n*de photos

I was trying to combine the "six degrees of Kevin Bacon" game, where any actor in any random movie is six movies or less away from Kevin, plus a double-entendre on "bacon" meaning you know what.

It didn't work, so I'll just post six photos of the instrument, some of Kevin Bacon, some of his costars.

Born in 1958, Kevin graduated from high school at age 15, attended Bucknell University, and hit the New York theater scene in 1975.  He was in some plays and some New York-based soap operas, and he played one of the fratboy pledges in Animal House, 1978.  You know you saw it, and didn't notice anything problematic.  It was the 70s.

He reputedly bulged in the teen slasher Friday the 13th, 1980, but I just saw it recently, and didn't notice.  A few more plays, including Forty Deuce, which won him an Obie, and he was ready for fame in the angst vehicle Diner, 1982, with Steve Guttenberg, Mickey Roarke, and Daniel Stern.

#1: Actually Mickey Rourke's.

Footloose, 1984, is an icon of the 1980s generation, where televangelists like Jerry Falwell were calling down God's wrath on America for such sins as teen pregnancy, the Equal Rights Amendment, and homa-sekshusl: a conservative preacher has banned dancing in his small town.  I didn't see it, but there's a buddy-bonding gay subtext between Ren and Willard (Kevin, Chris Penn) in the play.

White Water Summer, 1987: Kevin plays a sadistic wilderness guide who almost sends Sean Astin to his death.  But there aren't any girls in it, at least.

Kevin shows his stff in He Said, She Said, 1991, a romance with the gimmick of showing every scene twice, from his and her point of view.

Another rear shot in Pyrates, 1991, which is not about pirates.  The hetero couple starts a literal fire when they're burning with passion.  

More after the break

"The Other Two" Episode 3.8: The guy from "AP Bio" tries to bond with an especially jerky Cary. With Ben Platt bonus

Link to the n*de photos

I wanted to know more about Eddie Leavy, below, who plays the queen Anthony on AP Bio, so I reviewed his guest role on The Other Two, Episode 3.8, "Brook Hosts a Night of Undeniable Good."

The premise: The less-than-famous older brother and sister of teen idol ChaseDreams (Case Walker) live in his shadow.

The episode has three plotlines.  I'm reviewing only the third.

A Plot: Chase is getting kickback from his latest bad-boy stunt: "I hate ChaseDreams.  What a loser!"; "Asshole!"  "Everybody thinks I'm a bad guy, he complains.  "And I'm not.  It's giving me anxiety and depression."

His manager gets dollar signs in her eyes as she hatches a new scheme: Chase can become "the face of mental health" and make a fortune!  He's not really suffering from a mental illness, but who cares when there's money to be made?

Sister Brook likes the idea, too.  She has an altruistic boyfriend, and feels guilty about being so selfish, so this will give her an opportunity to prove that she is a good person -- while making money.  

She arranges a telethon to raise money for mental health awareness. Ben Platt, left, and Cameron Kasky, the founder of March for Our Lives, appear as themselves.

B Plot: Mom went from single mother with a famous son to hosting her own talk show to owning a billion-dollar network.  After months in the spotlight, she excitedly plans a trip back to her home town in Ohio, to return to her roots and enjoy everyday activities.

Jacob Dickey, left, appears as Nate.

She hates it.  The small town is boring, her old friends are dolts, and the food is awful.  You can't go home again.

 

C Plot: Cary, Drew Carver, has a 20th year class reunion tonight, but he doesn't want to go because he's not successful enough.  He's in Windweaver, a sword-and-sorcery tv series on Netflix, but it's just a recurring role as "an elf serf," who doesn't even speak.

Then his agent calls: Netflix has picked up the show for three more years, and invited him to be a regular. Turns out that the "elf serf" is actually the Windweaver, orchestrating the events. He'll be speaking.  And he's gay.

Thrilled that he can now "win the reunion." Cary tries to make the eight-hour car trip in six hours by not stopping -- he pees into a bottle and throws it out the window.  Couldn't you use one of your billionaire mother's private planes?

More after the break

"AP Bio": Glenn from "Always Sunny" as a rascally philosophy prof turned high school teacher.

Link to the uncensored review

The television series AP Bio was broadcast on NBC in 2018-19, and then on Peacock in 2020-22, and is now streaming on Netflix.  It stars Glen Howerton, who plays the amoral sociopath Dennis Reyolds on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, so I imagine his AP Biology teacher will be similar.  It may be a nice break from looking for gay characters in endless Christmas romcoms.

Scene 1: Whitlock High School, home of the Rams.  The stereotyped students sit in the classroom, waiting.  Crash!  Jack, played by Glen, has just hit a bicyclist and crashed into the school sign. The biker wants to argue, but Jack scares him away with a crowbar.

In class, he explains that he's an "award winning philosophy scholar" with a free year, so he took a job teaching Advanced Placement Biology.  Ok, that's impossible. College professors can't teach high school; you need a degree in education, plus student teaching experience.  And philosophers can't teach biology; you would need a degree in biology.  How do these tv shows get off, thinking that anybody can be hired as  a teacher?

But he won't be teaching biology.  He also won't be doing any sharing and caring. He's going to be spending the year trying to steal the job of his nemesis as head of Stanford Philosophy, so he can sleep with every woman in California.  I already hate this douchebag.

Scene 2: The students have some questions.  He promises to give them all As if they keep quiet about not learning biology. Upon discovering that a student is named Sarika Sarkar, he starts lecturing on philosopher Prabhat Ranjan Sarkar, but stops when they pull out their notebooks to take notes.  He won't be teaching them philosophy, either. 

Uh-oh, the Principal, Patton Oswalt, would "like a word." At 5' 3", he's a member of the Short Guy Prigade

The Principal is angry about the accident that wrecked the school sign, but Jack fast-talks him into apologizing and promising to be more laid-back.  They hug.  He  asks Jack out for a beer tonight, but Jack will be busy trying to bang his ex.

Scene 3: At home at his "dead mother's house," amid pictures of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, and himself as a geeky teen, Jack is getting drunk-er.   He calls his friend Miles in California while giving 0 stars to his bestselling book of "philosophical rubbish." 

Miles: "It's a shame you were kicked out of Harvard, but stop by anytime you're on the West Coast." Aha, the nemesis!

Next Jack showers.  Beefcake, no nudity.

Scene 4:  The next day, the School Bully, Spence Moore II, knocks down the Troubled Loner Devin,  Jacob McCarthy, and throws his backpack into the river. 

Cut to three lady teachers having lunch and discussing their sex lives: "So my date comes to my house in a sopping wet t-shirt, talking he had just got out of the bath.  What kind of baby-man takes baths?  Let's hear more about that wet t-shirt.

Jack introduces himself, and is asked if he has any interesting dating stories. "No, but tonight I'm going to bang my high school ex."  They are delighted.

Turns out they're all jerks.  "I make the students take a photo of me and show it to their dads." "I make them clean my car to learn about recycling."  Jack is delighted to discover that as a teacher, he make his students do whatever he wants and call it "education."

Scene 5: In class, the students have prepared a rap number about how much they like biology, but Jack cuts them off.  He has a new project: they're going to work together to destroy Miles.  "It's basic utilitarianism.  Jeremy Bentham..." They open their notebooks. "No, don't write that down.  I'm not teaching you!"

The project: catfishing.  Make up fake profiles with pictures of beautiful women, and send him flirty messages.  How will that destroy him?

Scene 6: The students find a video online explaining why Jack was kicked out of Harvard: at his tenure hearing, he attacked an elderly professor, who defended himself and put him in a headlock. Embarrassing tenure fail.

Jack enters and wants to hear their catfish messages.  First up: Troubled Loner Devin: "Dear Miles, you don't know me, but you will. We will marry under the black sun of Satan's breath.  I'll be the final face you see as I wrap my hands around your neck and suck your soul into my mouth."  

Jack likes it, only "make it a bit more feminine."  Sounds like Devin is gay.

More after the break

My Boyfriend and My Satanist Ex-Boyfriend at Thanksgiving Dinner: A Kelvin/Keefe Adventure

 "Mama!" Keefe exclaimed.  "Why on Earth did you invite my ex-boyfriend to Thanksgiving Dinner, when you knew that Kelvin was coming?"

She frowned.  "Well, why not?  Daedalus came to every Thanksgiving and Christmas for five years.  And your nephew Austin's piano recitals. Jimmy called him 'Uncle Daedus.'" He's part of the family.  Just because you broke up for some crazy reason doesn't mean we have to break up with him, too."

"I found God, Mama! Isn't that what you wanted for me?"

"All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.  And you were happy with Daedalus.  A lot happier than you seem now, when every word I say makes you uncomfortable or angry, and the wonderful Reverend Gemstone treats you like his personal servant.  Now, does this casserole get onion rings on top, or not?"

The rest of the story, with n*de photos and explicit s*x scenes, is on Righteous Gemstones Beefcake and Boyfriends

Gemstones Episode 1.4, Continued: Dot drives Kelvin crazy, Keefe refuses the Satanists, and Gideon and Scotty date

  

Link to the n*de photos

Earlier in Episode 1.4, we learned that Keefe is gay, and Kelvin is afraid of the relationship moving to the next level. Next we see a normalization of the Gideon-Scotty relationship.  Instead of being terrorized by Scotty, Gideon seems to be in love with him.  This suggests disagreements among the showrunners about where the characters should go, similar to seeing Kelvin and Keefe as good buddies in one episode and romantic partners in another.

I'll let you buy me dinner: At the campground, Gideon gives Scotty the intel he learned from Martin: they receive an offering of over $1,000,000 on normal Sundays, but on big holidays, $3,000,000.  It's counted and placed in the vault overnight Sunday. On Monday it's deposited into the bank.  Wait -- is that all in cash?  Don't people just throw a few bucks in the offering plate?  If they're going to donate a lot of money, they'll write a check, or just have it deducted automatically from their bank account.

Scotty "goes dark" for a moment, brags about his own stuntwork, and criticizes Gideon's.  Then he becomes downright friendly and says "I'll let you buy me dinner."

You Shine: Cut to Kelvin appearing at Dot's lacrosse practice at North Jackson High School (in-joke: this is where Danny McBride's character worked in his earlier series, Vice Principals).  Like her boyfriend, Dot's friends think that Kelvin has a romantic interest in her.  The background music, Sweet Cheater's "Summer," supports them:

It's driving me crazy, making me wild in the summer,

Spending my time alone with you

Take a ride, baby, to the stars, in the backseat of my car

Ooh yeah, it feels so right, you belong with me tonight

Dot assures them that he’s harmless, “just an a*hole from church.”  He swishes down from the bleachers and squeals “What’s up, girl!” like the flamboyant gay friend in a romcom, a queer code that signifies his utter lack of romantic or sexual intent.

He apologizes for the Satanic Sweep, oddly characterizing it as a “hang” between friends, and invites her to a teen trampoline party at the Sky Zone tonight: “No presh, just come by. If you like it, great.  If not, you’ll never see me again.”  This is the rhetoric of someone who wants to make a friend, not find a girlfriend. 

When she agrees, Kelvin adds: “What if we go no boyfriend tonight. Just you.  You sparkle without him – know that.”  Austin is too old for the teen group, so he wouldn’t be permitted anyway; Kelvin is simply stressing that Dot doesn’t need an older boyfriend, or “semen loads,” He skips off, still the flamboyant gay friend: “It’s gonna be fun, girl!”   

When the episode first aired, some very desperate fans thought that Kelvin was straight, and interested in Dot, but what straight guy makes a date, then skips off with "It's gonna be fun, girl!"?

Dot at the Trampoline Party:  We cut to the youth group meeting at the Sky Zone, an indoor trampoline park on Wando Park Boulevard in Mt. Pleasant, a suburb of Charleston with many Gemstone sites. Lots of kids somersaulting on bouncy-walls, and Keefe stretching Kelvin from behind as he groans "Harder. Harder.   Yeah, oh, that's good."  Acting like they're doing stuff, har har.

Notice that they're both wearing "Faith Factory" T-shirts, but none of the kids are. Keefe is now Kelvin's assistant youth minister. 

Dot appears.  Kelvin is "super-pumped that you didn't bring your idiot boyfriend."  Do you still think he's straight, after the "harder, harder" joke?

He clears a space.  Keefe says: "These feats of physical strength are amazing."  Yeah, Kelvin is hot.   He performs some professional-looking acrobatic stunts.

Gideon and Scotty's Date: Dinner is pizza and beer at the Shem Creek Restaurant in Mount Pleasant, to the  song “You Knock Me Out.”

 

The way you talk when you say what you see

Your smile breaking my words – you knock me out.

The way you shake it, baby -- what’s on your mind?

The way you get when you get down – you knock me out. 

Apparently Scotty or Gideon, or both, are overwhelmed by the intensity of their passion.

 Scotty calls Gideon "Little Lord Fauntleroy,” an archaic phrase for a fragile, polite, feminine-coded “sissy,” named after a character in the 1886 novel by Francis Hodgson Burnett.  In the 1936 movie version, Freddie Bartholomew’s Ceddie is redeemed through a romantic bond with the tough Mickey Rooney    They smile at each other, caring boyfriends far removed from the toxicity of Scotty’s earlier rant.

Knowing what comes after, I wonder if presenting Gideon and Scotty as romantic partners is a holdover from an early draft, in which Gideon is the gay character, and Kelvin begins dating a college-age Dot.  Or it may be a misdirection, to draw attention from the Kelvin/Keefe romance and keep viewers guessing which will turn out to be gay. 

Gideon explains how he came to make the video: things were tense between him and Jesse, so his mom made him go to a prayer convention.  Jesse had his friends in his hotel room, and didn't want Gideon around. "Dude wanted to f*ck," Scotty says.  So Gideon left, but on his way out, he hid  hid his phone with the video on, in case anything interesting happened.  He ended up taping Jesse's s*x-and-drugs party, and decided to blackmail Jesse to "get even."

Scotty envisions their new life in Thailand, after stealing the money from the vault. He mentioned the ladyboys earlier, but it's worth repeating that Thailand is a well-known destination for gay tourism.  He also wants to repair the hard drive containing the s*x-and-drugs party video, so "we f*k your Daddy again."  Very graphic way of putting it. 

Then he recalls their first meeting.  Gideon was wearing a wig to be the stunt double for a woman (wigging," remember?), and Scotty was attracted: he came up behind him and grabbed "like you were a little piece." He means a potential s*xual partner.  Apparently he likes people who are androgynous or nonbinary.  

He continues: "But you weren't.  You were a friend."  Gideon didn't mind being grabbed; apparently he liked it, since he accepted being drawn into a relationship.

 "And I get you.  I know you way better than your family does."  He sounds like an abusive boyfriend: "No one understand you but me." 

We cut to another scene on this busy Friday night: Jesse and Amber counseling Chad and his wife Mandy about the aberrant emails ("we were just fooling around").  Of course they mention intimate activities again.  And we're off to Club Sinister.

Satanist d*ck after the break

The Top 10 Hunks of "The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina"

I'm about halfway through The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, the Netflix series revamping Sabrina the Teenage Witch from Archie Comics, although I must admit to fast-forwarding past the many smarmy scenes where Sabrina and her boyfriend Harvey discuss how much they love each other, care about each other, can't live without each other, would die for each other, etc., etc., etc.

The setting is beautifully realized.  Everybody in town lives in a creepy old house; teachers have offices full of heavy furniture and antique books; it's an antique horror movie bathed in sepia light.

I like the witches' religion, an over-the-top Satanism complete with Black Masses, names signed in blood, cannibalism, human sacrifices, and a grunting, goat-hoofed Dark Lord.  But it comes with many realistic, mundane touches, like casually saying "Praise Satan" the way fundamentalist Christians say "Praise the Lord."

I like the over-the-top acting, especially Sabrina's aunts, the dour "what will the other witches think?" Zelda and the cheery "have a cuppa" Hilda, who seems too nice to be evil.  I guess that's the point? 

Sabrina's Scoobies are also drawn with a very broad brush. There's Roz, the freethinking intellectual, who happens to be the daughter of the town minister (except everybody is Catholic); Suzie, the gender-fluid women's rights activist, who happens to be the daughter of a conservative farmer; and Harvey, a working-class jock whose father is downright abusive.  Daddy issues, anyone?

I'm not a big fan of Sabrina,  however: 16 years old, half mortal, half witch, torn between two worlds, gleefully using her magic to right the wrongs of her high school, while scheming to take down the Dark Lord himself.   Really?  Granted, she is the prophesied Chosen One.  Everyone has a vested interest her witchcraft success; Madame Satan, an Archie comics character from the 1950s, returns from oblivion to guide her; but still, that's a staggering amount of hubris.  Even Luke Skywalker waited until he was old enough to vote.

I really disliked a homophobic scene in which Sabrina and her allies get revenge on some bullying jocks (led by Ty Wood, left) by casting a spell to make them hug and kiss each other, then blackmailing them with the photographs.  Threatening to reveal that someone is gay?  Is being gay that shameful?

But, on the plus side, Cousin Ambrose gets a boyfriend, not a girlfriend.

And there's nearly as much beefcake as on Sabrina's sister show, Riverdale.

1. Longtime shirtless aficionado Ross Lynch as Harvey (top photo, right)

2. Ty Wood as the bully.

3. Chance Perdomo as Cousin Ambrose.

4. Darren Mann (left) as the boyfriend.







More after the break