"Killing Hasselhoff": Three Strikes, and I'm Out

What's worse, a half-naked, oiled-up David Hasselhoff or a bullet in your chest?

If your answer is "a bullet in your chest" and you are a guy, I have good news and bad news.

The bad news: you are heterosexual.
The good news: you will like the movie Killing Hasselhoff

In case you haven't been paying attention, David Hasselhoff was the star of Baywatch (1989-2001), a drama about mostly-female lifeguarts jiggling along the beach and having personal problems.  He's spent the last 20 years judging a lot of talent shows, becoming a pop star in Germany, and doing a lot of self-parodying.  Some people, not understanding parody, think that the aging prettyboy is just full of himself, and get vicarious pleasure out of wishing him ill.  Thus the movie.










Scene 1: Chris (Ken Jeong) doesn't actually dislike Hasselhoff; in fact, he got the Hoff to appear at the After Party at his nightclub this weekend, hoping that the draw will revive the failing business.  But he also happens to belong to a betting pool run by his friend Tommy that will pay out $500,000 to the person who correctly guesses the first celebrity to die.  His celebrity is David Hasselhoff.

Scene 2: The club's main investor Fish is distraught because his girlfriend is cheating on him with a guy with a big penis named Sebastian Hollingbone (Victor Turpin, left). She writes poetry to it.  Plus, as Tommy points out, he is gorgeous, with a massive, chiseled chest.  But Tommy's straight.   He tells Fish to wait for the After Party to revive the nightclub; after that he'll be swimming in....um...dates.

Scene 3: At the After Party.  Chris has a girlfriend who obviously doesn't like him; Tommy has a crush on girlfriend's roommate, but she's not interested.  Wow, heterosexuals have a lot of relationship problems.  

Cut to Fish from Scene 2 is at his day job, imagining that two of his coworkers turn into girlfriend and Big Dick and go at it on the conference table.  He disrupts the meeting and attacks the CEO. Uh-oh, I guess he won't be doing any investing.  And that means that he won't be appearing again.  Neither will Sebastian Hollingbone.  Darn!

Back at the After Party, Tommy, Chris, and a third friend Bill (Run Funches) toast the club's Hasselhoff-induced success.

Scene 4: Hasselhoff's block long limo.  Hasselhoff is kissing half-naked girls, while his agent (Jon Lovitz) tells him how great it is.  They decide to go to Orchid and blow off the After Party. Agent calls the guys to cancel, and calls Chris a "cocksucker."  That's Strike One, jerk.  I expected heterosexism for days, but not a homophobic slur.

Chris has another problem: he invited Gina, a 16-year old kid's tv star to the party, and she's in the VIP Suite, popping quaaludes, having alcohol poured on her, kissing other girls (gasp!).  There are even shirtless fat guys!  She gropes Chris, and when he resists, calls her mother to talk him into it.  Chris is outraged: "I will not have you turn this Judeo-Christian friendly nightclub into a whorehouse!"  Heterosexual kissing, no problem, but two girls kissing is the ultimate in degradation and evil!  That's Strike Two!

Scene 5: The next day, Gina tells all the tabloids that Chris sexually assaulted her.  Girlfriend kicks him out of the house.  Plus Mr. Wasserstein, the parable-spouting, zen-meditating loan shark, wants his $400,000 in 72 hours.  (His bodyguard gropes Chris while searching him for weapons).

Scene 6: Chris discusses his problems with a friendly homeless guy, who offers to give him a free hand job.  Suddenly the night club catches fire.

Scene 7:  Chris goes home to try to talk to his girlfriend, only to find her having sex with his friend Tommy (bare butt close-up is supposed to be disgusting, I suppose)  He runs to his car and has a meltdown (wouldn't you?)

Scene 8: Fish from Scene 2 at the mental hospital where he was sent for evaluationa after attacking the CEO.   He still sees Sebastian (and we do, too, lifting weights in his underweear)  Chris visits, and they discuss killing Hasselhoff to get the death pool  money.

Scene 9: Hasselhoff is lifting weights at his mansion while Chris gathers intel.  Agent brings him some scripts, but he wants to make his own superhero musical: Electric Man, who shoots lightning bolts out of his dick.  Agent wants him to focus on attainable goals.

Hasselhoff, Agent, and assistant get into his car, which he pretends is KITT from Knight Rider

They go to an autograph session at Venice Beach (closeups of girls in bikinis). Some of the fans are male, though.  Hoff tells one guy, "You look just like me.  Get his number -- I'll call you if I ever want to fuck myself."

Chris follows with a pizza loaded with shellfish -- Hoff is allergic.  But he insults the fans, they beat him up, and the pizza is ruined.

Scene 10: Wasserman's bodyguard meets with hired killer Redix, who is gay.  Bodyguard can't believe it because he is big and buffed: "You people confuse the hell out of me."

Scene 11: More close-ups of girls' boobs and legs.  A lot more.  I guess after the trauma of finding out there's a gay character in this movie, the audience needed reassurance.  Chris goes on to his next plan.  He knocks out an Asian dude.  Then, after about more 20 minutes's worth of close-ups of girls' boobs and legs, we're at Hasselhoff's party.  Chris appears as a waiter (why did he have to knock out an Asian dude?)  He poisons a glass of grapefruit juice and gives it to Hoff, but someone else drinks it.


Scene 12:  Long, lingering closeup of a girl's bare legs, up to her thighs, her stomach and -- bare breasts!  A closeup of bare breasts!  Filling the screen!   That's Strike 3.  I'm outta here.