"Father Christmas is Back". And he brought the heterosexism with him.

An arguing extended family stuck together for Christmas is almost as cliched as the "big city girl finds love in a small town" romcom, but they keep churning them out.  The Return of Father Christmas is #4 on Netflix this week. No doubt one of the family members will be gay, or at least there will be some hunks drinking eggnog.

Scene 1: The cast is introduced, grinning in front of a Christmas tree: Kelsley Grammar, John Lithgow, Steve Buscemi, not guys on my list of mega-hunks or even minor hunks.  Then a foot in a high-heel shoe climbs a ladder to put on the ornaments.  She stumbles and falls bringing the tree down with her.  Peter (Steve Buscemi)  comes in.  Instead of asking "Are you hurt?", like a normal human being, he makes a joke about her shagging the tree. 

Sorry; turns out that Peter is not played by Steve Buscemi, but by his identical twin (I assume), Kris Marshall.  I couldn't find a picture of the two together, but the resemblance is spot-on. (The photo below says it's Kris Marshall naked, but it doesn't look anything like the guy in the movie).

They discuss the Perfect Christmas they're going to have this year.  It involves picking up the kids but rejecting their ornament ideas, and buying a new loo brush.  So this must be England, which explains the "Father Christmas."  But nowadays they say Santa Claus there.

Scene 2: Small town, night.   Another woman leaves the store with a wreath and sweets, which she gives to her two kids (teenage daughter, preteen son).  Daughter complains about having to play Mary in the Christmas pageant. 

They go to an ornate mansion, where many people, , mostly elderly, are mulling about.  She apologize to flamboyantly femme Alan for being late.  The oldsters make the usual absent-minded and "in my day" statements.

Although Alan knows her well, the script requires him to say her full name: Caroline Christmas-Hope.  No kidding?

Scene 3: Caroline and kids arrive at their house, an even bigger mansion.  Wait -- what happened to the Christmas pageant?  What were they late for?  Scene 2 was one big tease!  

Inside, Hubbie from Scene 1 is re-decorating the tree.  Ok, so they're the same woman. But the self-centered, indulgent lady from Scene 1 is nothing like the caring, old people visiting lady from Scene 2.   Seeing the tree, she turns back to bitchy, and shrieks her disgust at the kids' non-elegant ornaments.  

Scene 4:  The tree finished, Hubbie leads Caroline into the kitchen, where the kids are making Christmas cookies.  Treacly family moment ensues.  

Scene 5: Caroline phones her Mum to assure her that everything will be perfect.  Guests begin to arrive: Mum; her even bitchier sister, Joanna (who criticizes the gigantic mansion as "lower class"}; Joannna's new husband Felix (Ray Fearon); leather pants wearing wild child Vickie; and repressed, severe Paulina, who looks like the lady who used to say "You're the weakest link, goodbye."   I'm guessing that Wild Child Vickie is the gay one.

 Plot Exposition: Dad abandoned them on Christmas Day, and ever since Caroline has been obsessed with making Christmas Perfect.  She hasn't succeeded yet -- there's always a tiny detail off.  But one day....what?  the perfection will lure Dad back?

Scene 6:  While Joanna is busily criticizing everyone and scfreaming at the kids, Wild Child Vickie kisses Felix right on the mouth.  Ok, she's not a lesbian. That leaves Repressed Paulina.  John Lithgow, dressed in a British hunting costume, complete with gun, trudges toward the mansion.  But it's ok: they all know and hate him (except for Mum, who wants in his pants).

Meanwhile, the teenage girl is helping the preteen boy put on make up.  Maybe he's transgender?

Scene 7: The adults are drinking wine and glowering at each other. Caroline tells them about the Perfect Christmas itinerary: tonight just appetizers (if you want food, go to the village -- surprisingly bad hosting!), tomorrow the Christmas Fair down in the village.  Then on Christmas Day, the pageant at the old people's mansion, then a banquet.  Then on Boxing Day.... No pantomime? 

Joanna hates everything about the itinerary, and insists on staying at the inn in the village instead of at the mansion, which she hates (too lower-class) with her family, whom she also hates.

Ok, this is awful.  No hunks, people screaming at each other, Caroline's neurotic obsession with using "The Perfect Christmas" to win her estranged Dad back, constant sex jokes.  I'm fast forwarding to see if there's any payoff from the makeup scene, or if any hunks show up at the Fair.

Minute 33: A distraught Joanna approaches Ben (Jamie Roche, top photo), the bartender at the pub,  and orders "an old-fashioned.  Straight up."  He jokes "So you've read y Tindr profile."  I guess that's a sex joke. They flirt.

Minute 40:  Felix the Husband is bonding with Repressed Paulina.  So she's not a lesbian, either.

Minute 1.17: Peter and Caroline in bed.  He's shirtless, Yawn.  Meanwhile, the boy is absurdly delighted over the chocolate Santa Claus in his Advent Calendar.

Minute 1.23: The Christmas Pageant.  I'm hoping the boy comes out as transgender or gay, or is playing Mary, or something.  Anytning?  No, we just get 30 seconds of the pageant.  He's playing Joseph.  Tha make-up scene gets no payoff.

Minute 1.35.  Flamboyantly feminine Alan (Lucas Livesley) returns to be absurdly over-enthusiastic about the Christmas banquet and its delicious...DELICIOUS!!!!!!! food. Has this guy had any acting lessons, or did the director instruct him to be ten times more enthusiastic than any real person has ever been?

  All of the original couples have reconciled.  Everybody kisses.  Caroline kisses Kelsey Grammar on the mouth.  i thought he was playing her estranged father?  

I had to go back and forth through the father-daughter smooch several times to get to the split-second final scene, where the two kids are sitting outside, watching it snow (why aren't they eating with the others).  It looked like the boy was in drag, but he's just in his Joseph costume. 

Well, I tried.